Fresh Scribbles

New Voice, New World

Broken Promises June 28, 2008

My foot started cramping as the minutes passed. It was tucked under my legs as I lounged on the couch, wishing everything away. He sat next to me; the piles of papers and books falling from his lap. It was near midnight. And that was when I sighed. We’d been there—same position—for over five hours. And I learned, like, nothing. At all.

“I hate English. Can we please call it quits? Please, I’m begging you.” I asked tiredly.

He laughed softly, stretching his back across the arm rest. “Lauren! You mean, you don’t find this fun?”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh yeah. No, Josh, sorry. Guess I don’t have the brain capacity of you cuz all this was in one ear and out the other.”

“Yeah, well, I guess if we don’t know it now, we’ll never know it. Might as well sleep.”

“Hallelujah.” I whispered, letting a relieved smile slide onto my face. But I didn’t move; I was too tired. I just closed my eyes and leaned my head back.

“So…should I go?”

He looked over at me awkwardly and I laughed.

“Sorry, I’m just tired.”

He nodded, biting his lip. “Ya, the drooling on the couch sorta gave that away.”

I hit him, laughing.

“Funny. At least I don’t keep looking at the kitchen as if I’m gonna die if I don’t get food this second.”

He chuckled. “That noticeable?”

I nodded, standing slowly and falling into a stretch. “Do you want something to eat?”

He stood, “Not to impose…but yes.”

I smiled, nudging him. “It’s fine. My mom would die if you left here hungry. She totally loves you.”

“Ah, yes. The only one in this house who does.”

“Well, can you really blame my dad? I mean, your family moves in, he goes over to say hi and you sick your bulldog on him.”

I could hardly say it without laughing. Josh just blushed.

“I seriously thought he was gonna kill me! He’s huge and he was practically charging at me. It was…instinctual.”

I just laughed, opening some cabinets and looking for any sort of munchies.

“But is he the only one? Who hates me, I mean?”

I glanced over at him, my forehead crinkling. “Well, there’s Balderdash. But he hates everyone.”

“Oh yes, the dog.” He said with a twinkle. His eyes always twinkled—even when he was mad.

“But is that it?” He continued, keeping his eyes on me, “Do you hate me like your dad…or do you love me—like your mom?”

I blushed, turning quickly away.

“Not in a weird way or anything.” he added quickly. “Just curious.”

I chuckled nervously. “Always curious, huh?”

He didn’t laugh. In fact, he didn’t do anything but look at me; his eyes twinkling. I didn’t know why.

We stood for a moment; him just staring, and me, blushing.

“So, what’s on the menu?” he asked finally, slipping onto one of the barstools.

I stuttered, confused and…flustered. “Well, we have peanut butter and…peanut butter.”

He laughed, “Okay then. I’m good with that. As long as it’s chunky.”

I gasped, “Of course! Only real peanut butter.”

“Isn’t that a bit of an oxymoron?”

I scowled, “No more English, kay? And you’re the one who asked for it.”

“I know, I know. I was just…quoting something. I’m surprised you don’t remember. …Sara’s pool party.”

I stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Duh! That little five year old after the food fight. He told your mom that he had oxymoron goo all over him. How could I forget? It was you who got the peanut butter out, huh? And you pretty much threw it all over him when he said he didn’t like it cuz you can’t have chunky butter.” I laughed, digging my spoon into the peanut butter. Sara was his little sister; we had been baby-sitting.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling, “You swore you’d never forget.”

I rolled my eyes, “Well that was nearly three years ago. We were like, what, fifteen. Hey—that was the same day your swimsuit flew off as you jumped from the diving board!”

He groaned, blushing under my laugh. “That, however, you swore you’d never mention.”

“Right.” I laughed. “Well, what good are promises if you can’t break them.”

“Ooo! deep!” he laughed, licking his spoon clean. “Sure your parents appreciate that theory.”

I nodded. And it went strangely quiet. Both of us were focused on swallowing.

“So,” josh said after a moment, “What are more promises we can or have broken?”

I thought for a moment. “How ‘bout how you promised me you’d pay me back for those concert tickets.”

“Oh!” he groaned, “Low blow, Lauren! Geez! well, what about you? You promised me you’d never kiss Jake. And—boom—first date, he got you.”

I gasped, “Man, josh. You are ruthless. Besides, I told you, he’s the one who kissed me. I nearly killed myself after. Pity date gone horribly wrong, remember.”

He just laughed, his eyes twinkling like mad. “Yes, well, I still think it’s funny.”

“Besides, why did it matter so much to you? You pretty much made me write in my own blood that I wouldn’t kiss him.”

He didn’t respond, just quickly thrust his spoon in his mouth. I watched him for a moment, surprised by his silence. He was never quiet; and never without a comeback.

“Well what about ones we still have to break?” he asked, avoiding my eyes. He put the spoon down, pushing the jar of peanut butter away.

I looked at him, surprised at how he totally avoiding what I’d said. but he just waited for me to respond.

“Well, we promised we would pass this test.”

He laughed, “Good one. Totally positive, too.”

I rolled my eyes. “What about you? You’ve got a promise you’re dying to break?”

He looked down, and then straight at me. It took me back; surprised me. And I found I couldn’t breathe. That’s when I realized just how close we were. Our knees were touching under the counter; his hand just by mine on the counter. I could almost smell the peanut butter on his breath.

“How ‘bout when I promised I’d never kiss a girl I didn’t absolutely love?”

I stared at him, suddenly nervous. Especially since he leaned closer.

“Well, who you got in mind, cowboy?” I asked, trying desperately to laugh. But he ignored me.

“Or, how we’d just be friends?”

Suddenly his face was hardly an inch away from mine; his eyes were sparkling again. I still couldn’t breathe. My eyes even closed. And his voice turned to a whisper. A spine tingling, total breathtaking whisper.

“How do those sound?”

I swallowed, my eyes still closed. “Good.” I whispered, losing all control as he sunk closer.

I could feel him—it was the only sense that was working. I could feel his hand slip gently around my neck, pulling me closer. I felt his thumb slowly graze my cheek, his other hand reaching my other one. I could feel his breath dance across my face. I felt my heart stop; I felt myself shiver. And then he kissed me. And I felt that.

It was as if the whole world started to twinkle and I finally felt at home. Everything seemed to be right; everything was as it should be. It was as if, in that tiny moment, years of being friends finally made sense. It was all for that single kiss. That one, beautiful tirade of broken promises. And all I could do was smile. But it was enough, because he still kissed me.

 

My Last Wish June 20, 2008

Filed under: Poetry — inkslinger91 @ 1:25
Tags: , , , , , ,

If I were to die tomorrow,
what would you say
of me?
Would you mention
my dirty-dishwater hair?
Or my emerald green eyes?
Would you go deeper?
Dig farther?
There is no way to hide
the me that I am—I hope you won’t try.
This is me;
The sarcasm,
The teasing
laugh.
I’m the one who
growls in the morning,
Laughs at night.
I have rough edges,
bent corners.
My life is a book of
Coffee stains
And doggy-eared corners.
Its been opened and closed,
Abused
and ignored.
There are dark moments
And sunny times.
I have tasted the 101 flavors of ice cream;
Seen the sunrises and twilights.
I can be loud yet shy,
Outspoken and opinionated.
I’m sure I have my enemies,
Just as I have my friends.
If I am to die,
I pray all will be seen.
Not just the good,
For the bad makes me up as well.
I am no line,
I am a person of many sides.
There are pieces to me
that have yet been fit to the puzzle.
Don’t hide any of it
When I die.
I want to be remembered as me:
Imperfect,
Struggling,
Laughing,
Joking,
Crying,
Sensitive,
Smiling.
There are
so many sides,
I know it’s hard
to mention it all.
But this is my last wish:
that I remain me—even in death.
Do not hide a side;
Do not forget a moment.
I’m happy to be me;
I pray you’ll be happy to remember me.
All of me.

 

Dear Readers, May 29, 2008

Filed under: Shelby Boyer — inkslinger91 @ 1:25
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I will no longer be sharing chapters of “Good Morning, Sunshine” on this blog. Though the outpour of appreciation for it has kept me going, I have personally decided it would be best to hold out on full novels on this site and instead stick to short stories. This decision has come from many reasons and feelings. It was not just decided on a whim; as a writer, I thought it best. I am sorry for any inconvenience this news may cause. I am very grateful for the readers this story has drawn and I hope to keep you around with my short stories, poetry, etc. The outpour of appreciation has been amazing and I really am sorry to leave you hanging for now.

But you may remain sure that this is not the end of GMS. You will hear more of Brooke–I promise you’ll find out (eventually) what happens during the rest of her time in the sunshine state. Just not anymore; not right now.

And please feel free to comment; let me know of complaints or worries. I will try and answer questions or share reasons if you ask.

Thank you again and please continue to enjoy my blog, Fresh Scribbles!

Shelby Boyer

 

Sweet Surrender May 23, 2008

Filed under: Poetry, Shelby Boyer — inkslinger91 @ 1:25
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

The pain can
seem
too much to
bear.

I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.

Life has played
a
cold, cruel
hand.

I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.

The darkness tugs,
pulling
me from the
light.

I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.

But isn’t
surrender
indeed a
journey?

I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.

Light can
come
In sweet
surrender.

I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.

With such a
freefall
Comes the
truth.

We cannot
breathe;
We must
Surrender.

 

Teardrops May 18, 2008

Filed under: Poetry, Shelby Boyer — inkslinger91 @ 1:25
Tags: , , , , ,

Ice drips
in
the light of
the new
day–
even the coldest
is
touched–
and one can see
the trace
of
teardrops
as they
slide
down the
forgotten
face
of a
simple building;
one
might say
it is
just a bit
of nature
acting
out
and,
they are,
in a way,
right,
for
don’t we
all
have
the trace
of
teardrops
slipping slowly,
rusting the
corrupted
walls
within?

 

Good Morning, Sunshine - prt. 15 May 15, 2008

By Monday I was smiling again; life seemed a bit brighter. Cadence seemed relieved my random-emotional-over-kill moments were over. So was I. And school seemed good and nearly normal. I was used to it—most of it—now. Except the food. I don’t think anyone could ever get used to that.

I actually backed off Jason a bit. Not in a bad way, though. We were still together. In fact, we were number one on the Best Valentine’s Ever list. Someone had posted a picture of me sobbing as he had handed me the roses. That sort of made me cringe, because I remembered why I had been crying. But it was still sweet. And Jason looked good. We both seemed better. He had given me a ride and not mentioned anything about what we had talked about. Surprisingly, that just added pressure to my obligation to talk to Todd. Which turned out to be an awful experience—no surprise. But I’m getting ahead of myself. And that was probably the understatement of the year.

I was walking to my next class alone and I saw him—alone. He caught my eye and with a bug-eyed sigh, spun around and started walking the other way. That made me agitated and I ran to his side, determined to get it over with.

“Todd,” I said, coming to a slow stop, “We have to talk.”

He scowled at me, looking ready to bite. “About what, Brooke? Your point was clear—and I’ll have you know my jaw was bruised because of it.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s exactly it—why don’t you just grow up?”

He barked a short laugh. “Yeah, look who’s talking? You are such a friggin’ hypocrite, you know that?”

I stared at him, my jaw dropping. “Excuse me? All I said was that we need to talk; not get in some screaming fight.”

“Well, see if I care about your shallow antics! You think cuz you come and say ‘we have to talk’ that makes you the mature one?”

“Mature—you think you are mature? Like, serious?”

“’Like, serious?’” He mimicked, staring icily at me, “You know what Brooke, how ‘bout you go stick your tongue down my brothers throat and get out of my life?”

I stared, an angry laugh slipping into my words, “Now that is real maturity.”

“Do you really think I care? You think you’ve changed; that because you had your perfect life ripped away from you, you are a new person. You’re not. You are the same snotty bimbo who—”

“How can you even stand there and act as if you know me! You don’t—never will. Todd—just leave me alone and GROW UP.” I spun around, giving up and desperate to get to class; to get away. But he made me turn around.

“There you go again; pretending you’re queen of the world! You’re just this Manhattan prep who’s going for Jason because of his money, his style; even his so-called ‘drive’! You are nothing more than a teenage gold digger.”

That was too much. I shoved him back a step, silencing him immediately. “Don’t you dare accuse me! I am no gold digger.”

“Oh yeah?” he screamed, coming back a step closer, “Then what’s his middle name? How about his favorite color? Do you even know what things he likes to do—I mean, except making out with you.”

“You jealous?” I bit, getting in his face, “Todd, I know Jason. So why don’t you save face and shut up.”

He laughed, still screaming, “If what you know of Jason is considered knowing people, no wonder you have such a shallow existence! I bet you couldn’t list five things about him; what he likes or wants. Yeah—you know he’s going to college, you know he’s hot. But you don’t know him.”

Suddenly I was no longer bold. A growing crowd was surrounding us and I just realized it. My cheeks flushed; I was red and steaming. “That’s not true.” I whispered, willing it all to go away. But Todd wasn’t done.

“No, but its okay; he’s doesn’t know you either.” His words were quieter too, but they still cut at me. And I started to cry; silent, hot tears that made my skin flush more. The silence from the crowd was almost deafening. But not as much as Todd’s quiet accusations.

“You two…you don’t care. You just take. He can’t even say he knows you; listens to you—sees you. You guys just use each other. And I guess that works for you, but, just know, there’s nothing there. And one day that’s gonna hurt.”

“Who do you even think you are?” The words were slow and deep. I was angry. “You think you know me better—Jason told me about you; how you don’t even have your own life! And now you’re telling me that you know more about mine than he does; than I do?”

His eyes fell to the floor. I was fuming, my breaths short and tight. I hoped it was over, that I could turn and run; but he spoke. And it hurt.

“Well, I know he can’t see how beautiful you are. No, he see’s the colors and shapes. But he doesn’t know how, when you’re bored, you start to play with the tips of your hair. He doesn’t see that there’s a face you make for every kind of emotion. Your eyebrows sink just to the left when you’re thinking. And, when you smile, your nose sort of crinkles. There’s a dimple on your right cheek that only shows up when you bite your lip. And I know how you like it when your hair falls across your eyes—it means you can finally breathe; you don’t have to put on a face for everyone.” Every word made me blush. It was making me sick. He didn’t even seem to notice. I don’t think he knew there was a crowd around us. His eyes were on me and me alone.

“I know that you want to be held close—even in a dance. You—you look great in teal; it’s your favorite color. I know you’d rather have PB and J’s than caviar or…quail. You want to be more than a rich snob; you want to get out of this stereotype of fashion and…snootiness! You want to go to prom! You wanna climb a tree—wear jeans that cost less than a three digit number. There’s something in your eyes that tells—everyone—that you want to be you; not the rich girl from Manhattan.”

Now I was tired and officially pissed off. “You are a jerk. A total, bitter jerk who thinks he knows everything. But you don’t. And you just proved it.” My voice started to rise; my stance straightened and I was ready to punch something. Preferably him. “How can you think that, for one second, I would ever want to be with someone who thinks he knows me better than I do? I would never want you; you’re just a little boy making guess work about me. You don’t know me. You, Todd, are an absolute as—”

“What’s going on here?”

It was the principal. He pushed himself through the crowd and into the circle where Todd and I stood. People started to talk and the choking silence around us finally stopped. I could breathe. But then Jason pushed his way through, right next to the principal. His eyes were wide and not at all humored.

“Yeah—what is this, Todd?” His voice was almost malicious. And Todd suddenly looked sheepish.

“I—we…were just…talking.” He stuttered, not daring to look anywhere in particular. I snorted, hot tears still falling down my face. Jason wrapped his arms around me and the principal stared sternly about.

“Todd, you just need to grow up.” Jason said, his voice bringing the silence back.

Todd laughed; it was almost a cruel laugh. “Yeah—I’ve heard that a lot today—”

“That’s because you do. I can’t believe…just…go to hell.”

The principal raised his hands to calm the crowd. Even Todd seemed close to tears. But then it turned ugly. His eyes got venomous and he nearly spat at us.

“Oh, just take your whore and have a happy life.”
Those words by themselves would have been shocking enough, but what happened next blew it overboard.

Jason’s arm was suddenly no longer around my shoulders. In a split second, his fist was thrown forcefully into Todd’s face and he was knocked to the ground. Then the principal was grabbing Jason and holding him back, shoving him into the wall of people that now started freaking out. Todd tried to stand, his hand covering his mouth where blood sputtered out.

Chaos ricocheted through the crowd—people were talking, some were laughing, the principal was yelling at everyone and more teachers showed up; half of them wondering where their students were and the other were curious as to what the noise was. One of the teachers helped Todd up, pulling him to the nurses. Jason was carted off by the principal and the crowd was told to get to class. I just stood, more surprised than anyone. I couldn’t move.

Eventually someone told me to get to class—I don’t remember who. But I wasn’t there for long. Soon I got a note calling me to the principal’s. I was surprised to see a cop; they asked me to tell them what had happened. I didn’t really want to. I avoided the topic of conversation and just explained that we had gotten in a fight. They told me I had to go home; that I was suspended for the rest of the day. Some bull crap about how I had impeded on the education and peace of the school. I was forced to call Cadence; some sort of try at an emotional punishment. But I didn’t really care. Home sounded good to me. So Cadence came—I did feel bad though; she had to leave work—and I left. I didn’t know where Jason was or what his punishment was. But I didn’t really care. I still just wanted to disappear. Cadence wouldn’t let me. She asked what had happened and I knew I had to tell her. It took me so long, we were sitting in the garage for a while. And afterwards she just looked at me and then she whistled. Made a joke about how my life was a soap opera. I didn’t find it funny. She got that and let me get out and go inside. But first she told me I would have to make dinner; that she had to work late because of me. I didn’t really mind. I just went inside and lied down, desperate to forget it all.

 

Good Morning, Sunshine - prt. 14 May 13, 2008

Life was tense for the next week. And Jason seemed to get that. Of course, it wasn’t hard to catch on. Every time I saw Todd, heard his name, or even thought of Todd, I’d hug tighter to Jason. Randomly, in the middle of classes, I’d kiss him. Just willing myself to get Todd out of my head. English was the worst. Jason just thought I was completely in to him, which I was. But even I knew that wasn’t why I would hold tight.

On Saturday night he got it out of me. We were sitting outside on my porch swing and I wasn’t really talking. Jason just held my hand and, sighing deeply, asked me what was wrong. At first I tried to veer the conversation in another direction, but I couldn’t resist those eyes and—slowly—I told him everything. About that one time Todd had given me a ride, about the stares, about the screaming fight, and even about the kiss. I was scared to tell it, afraid Jason would stand up and go shoot his brother. But he just laughed; a slow, sad sort of laugh. I sat back, staring at him and asking what on earth his deal was.

He just shook his head, “That’s just…my brother.”

“Just your brother? Oh, so what, he can just go around kissing your girlfriend and you won’t care?” I pushed myself out of his arms, totally pissed, and scooted across the bench.

His eyes got wide. “No, that’s not what I mean! It’s just…. Todd, he….” He sighed, pulling me back over and forcing hand in his. “Todd has a habit of…wanting to be me. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. Everything I have, he wants. He just…never really was his own self. Like, my classes—he has almost the same exact schedule, but he hates half the stuff. He asks my mom for the same stuff I ask for. He’s like some sort of…leech living off of somebody else’s life.”

“So you mean to say he really doesn’t like me?” It wasn’t a sad question, or even mad. I was just asking, really curious.

He looked at me for a second, a sort of laugh in his eyes, “Who wouldn’t like you?”

I hit him, trying to keep the situation serious.

“I don’t know,” he sighed, “I can’t really say I’m surprised. He did it before. With my last girlfriend.” His voice went all quiet and I didn’t dare breathe. “He just…can’t think for himself. And, yeah, it gets annoying, but it’s him. And I didn’t think he liked you. It was just at lunch that first day that he pointed you out, said you were a nut case—but a gorgeous one. I had laughed, but I was curious. Especially when I saw you. And I told him—I told him he could go for you. And, when he didn’t, I even asked him if I could. And he said yeah—that you weren’t some cow to be bought and paid for. That all is fair in love and that he didn’t even want to try for you. That you were high maintenance and a pain. But I didn’t see that, or at least I didn’t mind it, so I went for it.”

I just watched him, different emotions coming with every word. A cow? High maintenance? Go for it? Nut case? Didn’t mind it? But I didn’t bring any of it up. I just looked down, petting his knuckles and breathing slowly. But he wasn’t done.

He laughed softly, leaning his chin on my head. “So, I just have one question for you….”

I looked up; his sparkling eyes surprisingly close and completely mischievous.

“Who’s the better kisser?”

And finally, I laughed. And he kissed me. And the night finally felt warm again.

We sat there for a while more, listening to nothing more than our own breathing. His hands still clasped mine, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt safe and comfortable. I could have slept, right there, but he had a curfew. So I walked him to his car and we stood there for a while more, sharing a kiss and then he told me something. He said I didn’t have to be awkward around Todd, that eventually Todd would get over himself. I snorted, saying that seemed a lofty hope. But Jason was serious. He told me that Todd really was a nice guy, just slightly immature. But then again, no one could blame him for falling for a girl like me–least of all Jason. He also said that I should talk to Todd, that he trusted me. I didn’t know what he expected me to say, so I just nodded, saying I’d keep it in mind. He chuckled and then, with one last hug, kissed me goodnight and left.

So I went to bed and finally felt normal again, as if the world was righted or the worries were gone. Todd still haunted the corner of my mind, but now it was a little less threatening. Especially since I could still feel Jason. And it felt…good.

 

Collision May 12, 2008

Collision; there are two sorts of it—one more popular than the other. There’s the violent, painful one—the reason it’s so misunderstood. The collision where car meets person, where flame meets oxygen, where rams butt heads. But then there’s a good sort of collision. Imagine life without fireworks or cannonball dives. Those are collisions. Or there’s the magic that comes with the splitting sound of a bat meeting a baseball. There is the collision of oil and potato’s—nothing like some French fries to make you smile. But people don’t think of that as a collision—people pray to never taste collision. I was one of those. For a while.

I was a bachelor; 37 years and still aging. I can’t say I was suave or debonair. Because I wasn’t. I lived in my bachelor pad, I began to bald and wrinkle and grow width-wise. And for the most part, I was okay with it. Or at least used to it. I was an orphan—I had already seen a lot of the bad sort of collision. I was a twin; he had died at seven. But that’s another story in itself; I won’t go there. My parents collided with a semi when I was seventeen. My mom had just unbuckled her seatbelt to get a drink I had refused to—I had been mad at them. The last words I spoke to them—right before the collision—were “You guys can never understand—you don’t even have a life”. I can remember my dad cursing right before, telling me to shut up. And the semi had spun into oncoming traffic and our car had flipped; colliding with a barrier. I can still remember the sound my mom’s neck had made when it collided with the hood. I got a bit bitter, but eventually got over it. Well, came to accept it. I even went to church for a while, but I don’t think I was ever the same. And maybe that’s a good thing. In any case, I was alone and I was fine with that.

I had never been part of the in-crowd. As a young adult, I was attractive. But I was a geek. And that was a turn off to most. I’d get those flirting eyes from girls but as soon as they saw the pen in the pocket, they just started laughing and pointing. But that didn’t really matter to me; I didn’t like any of them. But I don’t really remember why; I can’t figure out why I don’t mind being reclusive or why I never bothered to date or…anything. I mean, I wasn’t one of those super geniuses—I didn’t start my own company or make billions. But, on the other hand, I also wasn’t working at some video game store or selling sci-fi books. I was comfortable, but I wasn’t living. And a collision made me see that—a good one…though it started out a little rough.

It was grocery time and I went to the store, going in for nothing more than green beans and chicken. I went to get a cart, bent down to pick up a piece of trash and suddenly I was lying on the ground, a cart slowly stopping by my head. I heard a curse and then I sort of zoned out—but not completely. A brunette kneeled down, freaking out and asking if everything was fine. She mumbled on about how she hadn’t seen me. Finally I sat up, blinking and looking around. The woman—she couldn’t have been more than thirty—touched my head, feeling the slow drip of blood. By now a small crowd had gathered. I stood, rather drunkenly, asking what had happened. The crowd eyed the woman angrily as she supported me, my arm draped around her neck. She just patted my back, telling me I was fine—she called me sweetie and kissed my cheek, leading me towards a bench. I was really confused and tried to walk away, but I was still seeing stars. She sat me down and told me, which, to her, was synonymous with honey or sweetie, to wait a second. Finally the crowd started to go and I just touched my head gently. She came running back with paper towels and a cop. I don’t think she meant for the latter to follow her because she swore under her breath as she sat next to me, seeing him coming closer.

“Good morning, officer!” she said, a smile tying at her lips. I was really confused. “This was just an awful accident!” she claimed, laughing lightly and touching my cheek again. “My husband here, he tripped right as I pushed my cart back into the…cart thing.” A nervous laugh and then she looked at me, her eyes pleading softly. I could almost see her whisper please, begging me to play along. I just nodded, my head starting to pound. Though I might have confused it with my heart; that was going wild too. Especially as she wrapped her arm around mine.

The officer stared at us, almost bored. “Well, as long as everything’s fine….”

The woman just laughed, pressing the towels to my head again. “It’s just fine…embarrassing, really.” That laugh was starting to get annoying. Luckily, as soon as the cop turned, she stopped. She handed the towels to me, looking nervously for her groceries and asking again if I was all right. I nodded warily and she started to leave. But I grabbed her arm again.

“Wait—what was that?”

“Listen,” she said, her eyes no longer laughing, “I really am sorry but I’ve gotta get going. Do you want money? Did you know someone here—your wife can yell at me later; but I really have to go now!”

“Wife?” I asked, my head starting to scream, “No, uh—no. What; why did you—”

And then I feinted, but not before I heard her curse. She did that a lot.

When I woke up, I was in a car and just as confused as ever. The woman was still by me, her hands pounding nervously on her wheel. I blinked quickly, nearly freaking out. She just looked at me, and whispered “finally”.

“Where do you live—I’ll drop you off.”

I shook my head, saying I would rather just walk. She laughed, a more bitter one than at the store. “Yeah right. I’d probably get arrested if I let you just walk off. Getting you out of the store was hard enough. Just tell me where you live—I promise I won’t stalk you. You’re not really my type.” She smiled at her own joke. I didn’t.

“Who are you?” I asked, not arguing but still scared for my life.

“My name’s Carline. Who are you?”

“Supposedly I’m your husband or your sweetie or something—something I wasn’t aware of before this morning.” She smiled, but it wasn’t a joke.

“Sorry about that, I didn’t want to deal with that crowd or you. I needed to get somewhere. Now, even that is doubtful. Now where do you live?”

“Carline, was it? I guess you’re not from here because you chose the worst street to drive down at this time. And my car—where is my car?”

Suddenly she looked scared. “You drove?” she whispered.

“Yes I drove! I’m not that old; I can still drive!”

“That’s not what I meant…. I just, I wasn’t thinking, okay? Can everyone just calm down?” But she was the only one screaming. I stared, now officially scared she’d rip my throat out or murder me on the highway. So I told her my street address and she cursed again.

“You’ve got to be kidding. Of course—why not? I mean, why would I think this day could be any good?”

I remaindered silent, she didn’t mind. She just went on.

“My boyfriend lives in that building. No, sorry, that would be my ex. The jerk slept with some blonde bimbo who can’t be more than twelve years old—on my birthday. Which was yesterday, which he forgot. And so I go to tell him off and—boom—some chick in a hooker outfit was making out with him. Oh, I told him off then. He almost called the cops, I got so loud. What is it with me and attracting crap?”

I’m not sure if it was a rhetorical question, but I wouldn’t dare answer it. I just stared at her, realizing I was indeed stuck in the twilight zone. I had never been so uncomfortable in my life. But she kept going.

“Does the traffic ever stop?” she screamed, slamming her fists on the horn and getting flipped off multiple times. “My life is some sort of hell-hole right now and what do I do? I go and knock some senior on his butt and now have to drive him to my ex’s place! There is no good in today.”

“Senior?” I scoffed, “I might be old, but not that old! And how can you be talking—your ex couldn’t have strayed that far from where he started! What are you; thirteen?”

She stared at me, a sharp laugh falling. “Oh, so the man has an attitude? No, I am very much not thirteen. I guess it just comes off that way, cuz the only guys I can get aren’t past puberty! What about you? You go for the younger chicks too?”

I rolled my eyes, “No, trust me.”

She sighed, looking back into the frozen traffic. “So what’s your name again?”

“Richard.”

She snorted and I scowled. “What is it now?”

“Nothing—I just can’t believe you’re not a senior with that name. I hope you gave your parents crap about that one.”

I actually laughed, only because it was true. And I had.

“So, Richard, what’s your story?”

“Excuse me?”

“Come on—this is going to take forever and I just told you my entire life! It’s the least you can do; I am driving you home.”

“Only because you threw a cart at my head and kidnapped me!”

She rolled her eyes, “Oh, come on! Real mature thought process. I mean, I would not kidnap you—what a waste of energy.”

I smiled, still not believing I was stuck here. She threw herself on the horn again, oblivious to the curses thrown back at her. “Okay, shy guy, I’ll make this easy for you. Where were you born?”

I sighed, already tired of this game. “Here. I’ve lived here all my life.”

She looked at me, her green eyes dazzling with unbelief. “Holy freak. How can you even stand that? I’ve been everywhere. Can’t stick in one place for more than a year or two. Don’t you wanna see something else? Please tell me you do not live with your parents.”

I shook my head, “They died when I was a kid.”

“Well, okay then. That works.” She didn’t get all depressed or sympathetic. Most people do. But she just smiled and moved on.

“’Kay, how ‘bout work.”

I stuttered for a moment. “Oh, grow up! I’m swear I’m not going to stalk you, steal your identity, none of that. I’m just really bored.”

So I told her. I had a cubicle job at a big company uptown. She found that more disturbing than my hometown history. She started lecturing me on how no one should have to work like that. That a box was so confining, that I should quit and move to Tahiti or something. Then she turned on the radio—really loud. And really not classical.

She laughed at my face, saying I was worse than her dad. But she turned it down. A little.

“Well, it’s my turn. Carline—did you choose that or were your parents just on drugs when you were born.”

“Well, duh. You obviously know little about giving birth—the shot was the first thing my mom got. But no, actually, I chose the name. It’s my middle name—my parent’s let me choose it for my sixteenth birthday. My real name…that, you will never know.”

I stared, suddenly entranced by the way her smile made her eyes crinkle. But I was more intrigued by her name. “I have to know now! You can’t just build me up for such a cut-off, that’s not fair.”

She laughed, “Life’s not fair—didn’t your parents ever tell you that?”

“Dead; remember?” That wasn’t a sullen statement, just fact. Strangely enough, I was comfortable talking about it with her.

“ah, yes.” She smiled, “well, then I guess you’ll have to hear it from me.”

“You’re not old enough to be my mom.”

She scoffed, the laugh falling loudly and dryly. “Isn’t that the truth?”

I smiled, sitting straighter and touching my head gingerly. It still stung, but the blood was dry.

She glanced at me. “So, Mr. Richard of the cubicle and most pathetic life ever, what is it you like to do. And it better be interesting, cuz so far your life is anything but.”

My smile stopped and I started to think about my life; what I did for fun. There was really nothing. I’d never even gone bowling or ever played a sport. My dad had had a useless arm and had never thrown me a ball because of it. My mom hadn’t had time to put me in any classes or teams. All I had were my books, but I didn’t even really like those. When I was at home, I would eat or shower or read a little or watch some T.V. But there was nothing I would really call a hobby. And you know, I had never really thought about it before.

I told her this and her jaw just dropped. “What?” she nearly screamed, “You’ve never been bowling? What do you do here? I mean, you have to live here your whole life and you don’t even have a way to spend it? Richard, it is official, you are pathetic—way worse than my dad.”

“Is that an insult?” I laughed. But she didn’t.

“Yeah. A major one! My dad is the lamest guy ever. That is, he was, until you came along.”

I stared down, trying to smile, but finding it hard to. It was like my life was nothing and I just realized it. I realized that I hadn’t even been living, I had just been breathing.

“Oh, don’t go all depressive on me! You know what, no, we are going bowling.”

And suddenly she pushed her way through two lanes and took the exit. I didn’t even know where we were. But I was scared. She just mumbled under her breath about how pathetic I was. Then she pulled into the first bowling alley we saw and demanded me to get out. She mad me pay, saying she bet I made more than her and I needed it; she didn’t. So I paid for a lane, put on those awful shoes and picked up a ball. It was heavy. She just rolled her eyes, saying that if I couldn’t pick up a bowling ball, I might as well call myself a senior and get the discount.

Then she bowled, getting an easy ‘spare’. I went up, almost nervous. So she came over, stood by me and told me to just swing. That everyone is born knowing how to throw a ball. So I threw it and knocked them all down. I cheered, knowing that was good. She just looked at me, her eyes strangely jealous yet humored at the same time.

“Are you sure you’ve never played before?”

I just laughed, meandering back and sitting lazily. And, for the first time in a long time, I really, truly smiled. And it felt good.

Playing that game I realized just how much girls could talk. She just went on and on—about anything and everything. Which was understandable, since she seemed to know everything. She had been to every continent—except Antarctica—at least once. Had a boyfriend in each. She told me everything about her love life, how even in high school she could only get the scum. I mentioned she was rather pretty so it was understandable. She asked, with a laugh, what that’s supposed to mean. I told her guys were only brave enough to go for someone if it was a shallow sort of thing; they didn’t have to put anything into it yet they could get everything they wanted out of it. And most shallow guys only cared for the gorgeous girl.

She stared at me for a moment. I asked her why and she just shook her head, knocking another pin down and then sitting by me. “It’s just…weird. You could be my dad, but you’re still…young.”

I scoffed, almost embarrassed by it all. “I could not be your dad—I’m not that old.”

“Okay, but you’re like, what, pushing forty?”

“And you’re, what, pushing twenty?”

She laughed; a short, humored laugh that made me smile. “You wish. Let’s just say I’m pushing thirty.”

“And you’re not married.” I said; it wasn’t a question. And I quickly bowled before she answered.

“No. I’ve never really felt the need. I’ve tasted too much of life to just throw it away and settle.”

She blushed as I laughed, “What?”

“Nothing; it’s just, the way I’ve heard it, family is life.”

She rolled her eyes, standing to bowl but still talking, “No. Not in my eyes—you don’t know my family. I watched my mom and dad divorce, get married, and divorce again. I don’t think I’m the family type. But, Mr. Richard, what’s your excuse? First wife leave you for another man?”

“No. Never been married. I guess I just…never really looked for it. I don’t really…date. Besides, the only girls who go for me are twice divorced with three kids or absolutely drunk.”

Her laugh broke across the room as I went up to bowl. I got a gutter ball. “Huh? So, ‘sweetie’, which one do I fall in to?” It was a joke, but I didn’t laugh. I just bowled and willed my heart to slow down. Suddenly she was standing by me, offering a high-five as I got a spare. “We live in a weird world, huh? Nothing really goes like it should.”

“And how is that?” I asked, staring into her eyes. They seemed to darken, but they still looked beautiful.

“I mean, we’re good people; we’re nice—nice looking—and everything. So why aren’t we settled or at least…pro’s at this love thing? People look at me and think it’s my fault life won’t work out for me. Like all those people who saw me push the cart at you; I get those looks every day someone finds out I didn’t go to church, or every week that a ring remains off the finger. You know, it makes me sick. Life’s not all fairy-tales, but people—even ones stuck in crap—think it is. And they get mad when I don’t reach it. Life is just life, you know. It’s not like I need these…judgements to realize I’m missing out on something. But is it my entire fault? Like, really?”

She was no longer bowling. She was just sitting, holding her soda and looking through me. I slowly sat next to her, a sort of relief flooding over me—I wasn’t the only one. It was a sort of connection; we both had different stories, but the same results.

“Yes, I know what that’s like. But still, you can’t be disappointed in your life. You’ve tasted things most people only dream of. You even said you don’t want to settle.”

She looked over at me, her eyes mischievous. This is when I found out how confusing girls can be. “Yeah but, I can’t say I really meant it. I mean…there’s always been that pull for something more. I just don’t wanna admit it. Cuz life can be a total bag of manure sometimes, you know?”

I slowly started to nod my head, then started to shake it. I really was confused. She laughed, her solemn look finally shed.

“I get that a lot.” She smiled at me, her knees pulled up under her chin. She truly was beautiful. And it was then I knew what it felt like to have your heart collide with your chest. I knew what it was like to have emotions crash with your thoughts.

I wanted nothing but to get the chance to hold Carline—a woman I had known for less than twenty four hours; a woman who was probably ten years my junior; a woman who looked at me as a father figure; a woman who’d just broken up with a boyfriend. And then I was mad. Mad at me, at her, at the day. I wasn’t supposed to be here. It was grocery day. I was supposed to be home, starting dinner and thinking about work. I probably would have turned on the T.V. and then picked up some random book. I would have gone to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, looking for grey hairs. Instead, I was out bowling with a beautiful girl who had previously given me a concussion. And, in the few hours I’d known her, my world had been flipped upside down. I didn’t want to go back to breathing—I found I liked living.

I stood up, took a bowling ball, and threw it into the lane, getting to hear the solid sound of the ball colliding with all ten pins. She was by me again, a sort of stunned yet humored expression across her face.

“Thanks, Richard. But just because you happen to be an absolute pro at this game, doesn’t mean I want you to bowl for me.”

I blushed, keeping my eyes away from her face, desperate to remain a man. I knew exactly what she’d do if I fell to my impulses—I would probably do the same if I were her. So I sat back down without a word. And she followed.

She ordered a pizza, saying she was absolutely starved. I told hr I was quite the cook. She laughed and said it was nothing she hadn’t heard before—that guys always used that line to get her to come over but it would always turn out to be take-out. I assured her I was totally serious and she just winked, saying she’d have to come over sometime and see. But then she told me the different types of food she had tasted. Said caviar was vile, but she’d eat roasted squid any day. I told her that was disgusting. She laughed. As the pizza came, she went on about her Italian adventures. How true Italian pizza was nothing like the American version. I told her about pizza my mom used to make; with macaroni and cheese, canned tomatoes and peppers. She thought that sounded worse than anything. But it’s actually pretty good. She said I’d have to make it for her sometime.

The mood went somber. Both of us seemed nervous to speak. She finally rolled her eyes. “Yes, I said it. Geez. It’s not like we have to get married! I just want to try a mac and cheese pizza—is that such a crime?”

I laughed, nearly choking on my food as her face reddened. She smiled too, saying I was such a kid—that she’d baby-sat more mature boys than me. I just smiled, quickly asking where she lived now—if she had reached the two year limit.

She smiled, staring at me for a second too long to be comfortable. “Yeah, actually. I lived by my boyfriend for almost a year. Too long. I actually have a ticket to Austin, Texas—tomorrow morning.”

“Texas?” I said, trying desperately to hold myself together. She looked down.

“Uh-huh. I got a job.”

“What do you even do?” My voice cracked and she laughed—another one of those mesmerizing laughs.

“Anything and everything. This is a graphic designer position.”

“How do you even live like this? All this moving and going and stuff?” It could have been nosey, but she didn’t care.

“When you really want something, you go for it.” Her glance lingered—I’m sure she noticed mine too. “And, since I can’t seem to decide what I want, I go for a lot.”

I just nodded. That’s when a worker came over and told us they were closing—it was eleven o’clock. We were both surprised. Carline quickly asked how much that would cost. The guy just shrugged, saying it had been a slow day and we’d gotten through with just one payment—no biggie. So we quickly left, thanking them and leaving a quick tip. Not to mention half a pizza. But I don’t think they really wanted that.

We got in her car and started off; it was silent. But not awkward. We just both seemed to be thinking. All I could think of was the day—her laugh and how random everything had. How absolutely abnormal it was to me, but how it felt just like it should. I thought about how, when she smiled, a wrinkle would appear just by her left eye. Her bangs, just growing out, always managed to slip from behind her ear and slide onto her face. There was the way her foot swiveled when she stood still for too long. Or how she cheered when she hit a strike. And her eyes—just how green they were. And I thought about what she had said; how her philosophy on life was so different than mine. How…opposite she was from me, but how much I longed to be her. “When you really want something, you go for it.”

I looked at her, my mouth suddenly dry. She was humming along to the music, her head bobbing as her hands set the beat on the wheel. She seemed oblivious to me. But then she smiled.

“What you looking at so intently; you have some radio station you’re dying to hear—maybe the classical channel? Or some talk shows?”

It wasn’t rude and I smiled, quickly saying no and looking out the window. The traffic was gone and the night was dark.

“So, where’s it gonna be? Your house or your car?”

“Excuse me?” I said, shocked and almost scared. No matter how much my heart pounded when I was by her, that still seemed a little too…quick. Not to mention wrong—in a lot of ways.

She looked at me and then burst into laughter—a loud, totally happy laugh. “I mean, where do you want to be dropped off! Man, Rich, somebody’s mind is in the gutter!”

I smiled, blushing horribly and mumbling about how I was just thinking and that it had come out wrong. I told her my car would probably be best, and closest. She mentioned something about how that also meant she couldn’t stalk me. But I was only half listening. She had called me rich. Nobody had ever called me Rich before—nobody had ever called me anything but Richard. But I liked it.

Too soon, we were at the grocery store. It was easy enough to find my car; it was one of the last there. She laughed when she saw it; calling me a total geek. But it wasn’t rude. It was just Carline, and I was starting to like that. She parked, and I didn’t know what to do. Part of me wanted to say so much and the other just wanted to hide. Finally she smiled, and said it had been fun—way more fun than hanging out with her dad. I laughed, thanking her. The doors were still locked, but I didn’t want to tell her.

“Can-can I have your number?” I asked, quickly adding the fact that I needed to arrange a time to make mac and cheese pizza. She smiled, not even blushing or fidgeting. She just gave it to me and then unlocked the doors, almost as if she had been waiting. Then I got out and started to my car. But she called me back.

“Rich,” she said, leaning her head towards my opened door, “sorry ‘bout that…collision…with the grocery cart.”

“Don’t be,” I smiled, “I’m not.”

She smiled too, sort of biting her lip and then sitting back. But she popped back out again.

“Oh, and rich, you really don’t look forty. You’re cuter than my ex boyfriend…not that that’s saying much.” She laughed at her joke, giving me a double honk and yelling something about ‘sweetie’ as she drove off. I just laughed, getting in my car and willing myself to remember how to breathe. I didn’t dare turn on the car; I felt drunk. I just watched her pull out and get back on the freeway. It hurt; watching her go. All I could think of was what she had said—how you should go for the things you want. But everything I’d ever known told me it was ridiculous; that it could never and would never work out. So I just drove back to my apartment and went to bed. And, for the first time in my life, I didn’t brush my teeth. And it felt strangely good.

But I woke up with a headache; a huge, pulsing headache. And at first I thought it had all been a dream. But the taste of pizza still hung on my breath and my phone was lying on the counter, her number still in it. I reached for it, wanting to call. That’s when I remembered she was leaving—to Texas. I went in the bathroom and, after getting ready, just stared at myself, but not because of the threat of grey hairs. Rather because I felt like, if she went, living would leave to. It was as if my entire life was built up into that yesterday. As if all I had to live for was about to get on a plane and leave—live a life she wanted. And it was then when I realized just how desperation could change a man.

I pulled my phone and called her, needing to tell her—everything. But I got her voicemail. “Hey, this is Carline. I’m probably too busy living to answer; sorry. But I guess you can leave a message—“ a laugh, “and maybe I’ll get back to you…if you’re in range.”

So I did something more desperate. I grabbed my keys, jumped in my car and sped off to the airport. I didn’t even know when she was leaving. But I knew I had to find out. I laid on my horn, willing the traffic to disappear. For the first time, I was flipped off. But I didn’t care. I kept calling, willing her to answer, though I had no idea what she’d say. Probably file a restraining order.

It took me an hour to get to the airport and then I had no idea what to do.

I went up to the desk, asking if they could tell me what flight Carline was getting on. They said they could not, especially if I didn’t have a last name. I wanted to swear, but instead I just begged. I told them my life relied on this girl; that I had to find her. They didn’t buy it. Told me to move on—from the ticket booth and the girl. So I walked away, my eyes pathetically filling with tears. More because my head was killing me than anything, but still. I was crying. I just fell on a seat, letting my head fall between my knees. The incessant clatter of heels on tiles taunted me. Children seemed to scream just as they passed me. Adults would yell at spouses or children top hurry up or slow down—right by ear. The whole world seemed to be out to get me; my head was a circus and I couldn’t focus. But suddenly, I felt a hand on my head.

“Here sweetie, let me help you.”

I choked; the voice was too sweet—too perfect. It was as if all my hopes and dreams were in that voice and I didn’t dare look. But I did. My tears were still dripping down my cheek and my head was still pounding. But a sort of peace came over it when I heard her laugh. And then I saw those eyes. She was kneeling on the ground before me, her pencil skirt just touching the floor. Her hair was swept back in a ponytail and she smiled sadly at me.

“What’s a matter—someone would think little rich had his money taken by the playground bully.” Her laugh collided with her own joke and I smiled, letting her hands grasp my head.

“You did this to me.”

“Well, that’s real romantic.” She said, still on the ground.

“No, I mean my headache. It’s been pounding since you tried to kill me with a grocery cart.”

She sighed, a sort of laugh lacing it. “Now that is even less romantic.”

I laughed, but suddenly I went serious. “Carline—“

“It’s Jemima.” She whispered, a coy smile playing at her lip. And I laughed. Right then, I knew I could do what I had to. So I did.

Jemima Carline, I have to tell you something. Because right now, I just can’t breathe.”

She just nodded, her eyes wide and innocent.

“You have totally changed me. I was a senior till you ran me over and kidnapped me and…all that. I woke up and—I just can’t live without you. I know this sounds ridiculous. I hardly know you. I could be a crazy rapist drug banger…and visa versa. But I want to try. I wanna try. To Live, to settle. And I want to try it with you. I—I’ve never done this before, but if what I’m feeling isn’t love, I don’t need love. Cuz this is good enough. You, carline, have stolen my heart—within hours of knowing it. You taught me to go for what I want and I want you.”

She didn’t laugh, she didn’t cry, but she smiled. And it was beautiful. She stood slowly, her hands slipping into mine. “Well, rich, looks like we have something in common.”

And then she sat on my lap, looked into my eyes and laughed. And then we kissed. And that was the greatest collision I have ever felt. It was the greatest collision I had ever tasted. The world seemed to spin and it was just her and me. For a moment we parted and she whispered in my ear, “I hope you know that go for it stuff was crap—I made it up, just to get this.” Then she kissed me again. I could almost feel her laugh. We were soon absorbed and passion collided with humor, chance collided with reason, we collided with each other. And even as the call for final borders to Austin rang out, we still remained. My head still pound, but not as hard as my heart.

My crash course in collision taught me two things: there are two sorts of collision. One, considered bad. Two, absolutely delicious. But, isn’t it interesting; one can lead to another and both share a same sort of consequence. They both leave you breathless—simply and completely breathless. And that is why I pray for them; every day. Because, if you let them, they always remind you to live. Always.

 

Good Morning, Sunshine - prt. 13 May 5, 2008

When Cadence came, I didn’t say anything other than thank you. And she seemed to get that I didn’t really want to talk. She just turned up the radio and hummed along. I sat in the backseat and leaned my head against the window. It was hot. And her old car was jolting so hard, I started to get a headache. But I didn’t move. I needed something to distract me—my lips were tingling; as if they craved something they couldn’t have. My heart was pounding; it felt good to have my head distract it. My breath still caught, but a headache made me need to breathe slowly. It was getting out of the car that scared me. But I had to. Cadence’s lunch break was almost over. So she dropped me off, told me to take some aspirin, and go to bed. I wanted to take more than aspirin, but I didn’t take anything. I just fell on the couch and turned on the T.V.

It was stuck on the Hallmark channel and I didn’t feel like getting up and getting the remote. Besides, I just needed something to distract me—desperately. I never knew how tear-inducing cheesy soap-opera style movies could be. It was about some jerk guy finding out that he had one week to live so he goes to get some money off his rich ex-wife and daughter, but along the way he meets all these people and has different things happen to him and then-–boom—the week is over just as he gets to his family a totally changed man and dies. But then it takes a leap past cheesy as he meets God who tells him he’s finally figured it out and the guy begs for just another day—to see his kid. So he goes back and he makes it all better with his ex and then he is prepared to die, but nothing happens. And he realizes he gets a real life with his family. The end. It was so cheesy—cheesy effects, cheesy acting, cheesy story. But I was bawling like a baby five minutes into it; and for absolutely no apparent reason other than I was an emotional wreck. I have to admit, I was hardly even following the story line. I was distracted. But I was still crying. Especially at the end when the ex, who has a boyfriend, slaps him and calls him nothing and its only his mentioning his death sentance that he gets to see his kid. And then, of course, she sees that he’s a different man with his kid and she gives him a chance with her and within in like five minutes of seeing each other, they are making out. That made my tears turn hot and I was ready throw my shoe at the screen. But then Annie came home and started giggling about how she had had to get all my roses home and wondering what had happened and gushing about how romantic Jason was and how lucky I was. I just tuned her out, wiped my face and smiled at her, as if I was listening. She came over, holding a bag of kisses and a note from Jason, said he had given it to her at the end of school. She just sat down next to me, expecting me to read it outloud. I didn’t. I told her I wouldn’t even open it in front of her, but mostly because I wasn’t in the mood. Then she whispered–as if someone would hear–that Jason had been totally worried when you left, she said he seemed totally bummed. She also mentioned that Todd had left early too. And she said she had found roses in the hall and knew they were mine and picked them up because she didn’t want Jason to think that I–Brooke–didn’t like him anymore. She paused there, as if waitig to see if I’d say something in protest or thanks. I just nodded and then excused myself, telling her I was totally tired.

When I got in my room, I read the note from JAson. And it was adorable. basically, he asked me to dinner. Part of me wanted to just call and say I was so sorry but I felt so gross. but then i thought about why I felt gross and about why my life seemed to suck so bad at that moment, adn I decided I would go. He was my boyfriend and his little annoying, self-righteous, dumb, smart-aleck brother could go choke on a chocoloate-covered strawberry for all I cared. And that’s when things changed. Suddenly I smiled, though I must admit it was more of a in-your-face-dare smile than an actual smile. But I didn’t care. I just cleared my throat, called Jason and told him I would love to go–the note was adorable.

He sounded relieved, but asked if I was sure. He didn’t want me to not enjoy myself. I told him it was my first real valentine’s celebration and I had to go. he laughed–I don’t think he really believed he was my first boyfriend or kiss or anything. He said he’d pick me up at 6:30 and have me back home by 10, since it was a school night. part of me wanted to tell him he could take me away forever–I didn’t want to face school. But I didn’t say anything. I just hung up after he said bye and then spent the next few hours blasting music and figuring out what to wear. For some reason I wanted something sexy–even over the top. I wanted to feel jealosy-causing hot and make heads turn. It was one of those nights where, if I had been in NYC, I would have been dressing up to sneak into an over-twenty club. And I knew I was doing it more for me than for him, though I tried to convince myself otherwise. In any case, it was a night for Jovani.

I pulled it out of its protector from the back of the closet. I remembered buying it; I had been craving something expensive and sexy. A back-stabbing friend had earlier raved about a Jovani dress she wanted but couldn’t get. After she totally betrayed me, I went out and bought it. And then I wore it the next time I saw her. Her face was priceless. But I hadn’t worn it since. And now I felt like it was time, because I needed gorgeous.

It was a shimmery black cocktail, falling inches above my knee. A plunging V fell down the back, echoing off the subtle one in the front. A ridiculously large bow sat in the back, just as black as the rest of the dress. I paired it with my silver Stuart Weitzman heels and laid off the make-up except for a smoky eye. My hair was curled and pulled to one side in a huge, sparkling silver clip. I was hot. When I finally opened my door at six, both Cadence and Annie were stunned silent. I didn’t mind. It was what I needed. Annie just thought I was absolutely gorgeous and kept looking at me as if she couldn’t believe it really was me. Cadence seemed almost scared. She would glance at me and smile yet look ready to cry too. I just sat around, convincing myself to be excited and happy. I told myself Todd wasn’t even on my mind, that I didn’t have to bring up anything to Jason. I decided I just had to move on–Todd was just being stupid and he didn’t matter. Jason mattered. I knew he liked me–a lot. And I liked him. Really. So when 6:30 rolled around and he came to the door, I got butterflies. And that felt good.

Annie answered the door, but I was close behind. And his face was unforgettable. he just stared for a solid second. i tried to read his expression–it was a sort of shocked, surprised, twitterpated, happy look that was as confusing as I had been just hours before. I smiled, suddenly feeling slightly silly. But, as I walked towards him and his smile got bigger, my confidence sky-rocketed. Besides, it wasn’t like I was overdressed. He was in a suit that could have very well passed for a tux to the unfamiliar eye. He looked good, in a james-bond-suave kind of way. I gave him a hug and he stole a kiss and whispered in my ear that I looked beautiful. Annie was still standing right next to me, leaning into the door, and I blushed but willed myself to laugh and take his hand as we walked down the steps. He kept mentioning how amazing I looked and how bad he did in comparison, how everyone would think he was my little brother. I laughed and said he looked hot. And then I stole a kiss and he laughed.

As he started driving, I turned on the radio. The preset was already playing–the coolest band ever and I was totally ready to lean back in my seat. But he quickly changed it, laughing under his breath about his brother and his button-pressing fetish. He put it on some slow special where all they played was romance songs. I wanted to die. But I didn’t say anything; after all it was Valentine’s and it was his car and I was totally happy just to be there, even if the music sucked. I told myself that again and again–especially when Celine Dion started up.

Eventually we pulled up to a restaurant and the radio was finally shut off. He made me wait for him to open my door, and then he escorted me into the place. That was awkward. The Maitre D’ asked if we wanted a seat at the bar, Jason blushed and explained that we were underage. I just smiled. She took a long look at me, not believing for a moment. But when Jason announced the reservation, venom filled her eyes as she stared. I just smiled back, hugging Jason’s arms more tightly. Eventually she left us be and someone proceeded to escort us to a candlelit table. The place was purely french. the waiters spoke french, the menu’s were in french, even their live band played french music.

Jason pulled my seat out for me, which was slightly annoying–I wasn’t some three year old. But I just sat down graciously. He made small talk about the food and offered to order for me. I was fluent in French so I watched, humored, as he fumbled over the french names during the order. When the waiter asked what we’d like to drink–in french–and Jason’s eyes nearly rolled to the back of his head, I spoke up. Reordering perfectly in french and adding a bit. I even thanked him for his time and apologized for my date. He smiled and thanked me and such and said he’d hurry along with the lady’s order.

Jason was blushing, yet completely impressed. Said he had tried french in 9th grade, but could never get past the colors. It turned out alright though, the waiter even brought us a complimentary taste of wine for both of us. He didn’t ask for I.D. and we didn’t explain to him. You never say no to the french. And it was delicious. Jason said he only ever had wine at family weddings. I didn’t mention the other sorts of alcoholic drinks I’d had in my life. I just veered the conversation to something else. And when our food came, I showed him how to properly eat a crepe and such. We were finished by eight and then he told me he had another surprise for me. I asked if it included a foreign language. He laughed and said no, he hoped it would be more impressive. He took me dancing.

It was some Valentine’s couples ball and I felt slightly awkward amongst the 92 year olds. He just took me to the floor and said he might not be able to speak french, but he could dance. Turns out his mom had forced both him and Todd to ballroom dance classes for all their teenage lives. AND he could dance. I had never really waltzed before. I sort of knew how, but in New York, I never had the need to. The dancing there was…. Well it wasn’t ballroom material. It was weird to have a guy purposefully put space between us and take my hands in his rather than expect me to fling them around his neck. And spinning through that ballroom was euphoric, with all the whirl of dresses and golden walls. I smiled and laughed, and it was fun. But he was so set on perfecting the steps, he never just pulled me in his arms and spun. It was always “1-2-3, 1-2-3″–I could almost feel him whispering it.

We finally left and got home just at ten. He offered to walk me back up the steps, but the oddly darkened house told me Annie was watching from somewhere. So I told him I’d be fine. And then he leaned and in and kissed me. It was passionate, almost. But I was suddenly cold. SO it was short, I felt the sudden urgent need to get inside and go to bed. So I thanked him for everything–from the hundreds of roses, to the dinner and dance. He smiled at me, brushing a curl off my cheek and said I was welcome. Then he kissed me again, but I had previously started to turn, so he mostly just got my cheek. I’d like to say it was all on accident, but I think part of me was relieved. I was suddenly exhausted. So I got out, closed the door and went in my room. Both Annie and Cadence asked how it was through the door and I just said it had been good. Cuz it had. But there was something weird about it all. A lot of things actually. But I didn’t feel like thinking. So I just changed, took a deep breath and fell asleep.

I won’t tell you what I dreamed about, only that it wasn’t Jason.

 

Good Morning, Sunshine - prt. 12 April 30, 2008

Life was weird after my fiasco. Well, not all of it; just the parts including Todd. I felt sick around him—I wanted to punch him and cry and run all at the same time. But no one else seemed to notice, least of all Jason. He was oblivious, which isn’t that big a deal considering I avoided Todd completely. Once I saw him coming down the hall and he saw me, and I just spun around and went the long way. I was late to class. And then He once left some of his friends and started walking towards me—I knew he wanted to talk to me. So I swerved into the bathroom. I just didn’t want to deal with him and his…. No, the thing was—and this made me sick to discover—that a part of me wanted to ask. And another part of me was completely flustered. Like butterfly-flustered. And that made the other part of me sick, but it didn’t make it go away—that part that I really don’t want to mention.

I started to spend a lot more time at home. Home; I had never used that word. Even in Manhattan, it was my apartment, never my home. But I guess I was comfortable where I was at. There was always this sort of warmth in the house and I liked being there. It really was my home. Anyway, I found out Cadence was a nurse at a nearby children’s clinic. I found out because she thought my weirdness was a disease. She sat me at the counter and started looking down my throat and in my ears—she even did that thing where they kick you knee or whatever. I’d never done that before. As soon as she realized I was indeed not sick, she gave me a sucker and told me I was pretty healthy for being so depressed. It was a joke and I actually laughed. Annie and I started talking a lot more. She told me she was dying to be asked to prom which wasn’t until April. Then she asked me if I wanted to go; if I’d ever been. I hadn’t, there was no prom where I came from. And in all the movies it looked pretty lame anyway. But she wouldn’t buy it. She asked if I wanted to go with Jason. And you know what? I really couldn’t answer. I told her a lot of stuff, but nothing about Todd. And she was sweetly naïve to anything but what I said flat out. And she loved to talk so much, it wasn’t like she’d listen. She’d just wait for a break and then start talking. But I was fine with it, because I wasn’t much of a talker. And she made me laugh. Life at home was good and calm. It was super weird because it was like this pit and it was always dirty and smelt really funny sometimes, but it was a haven. And I spent a lot of time there because of it.

The only person who didn’t really like that was Jason. He said I’d been a lot more reclusive, wondered if it was something he’d done. I assured him it was not, that I was just getting used to everything. And eventually he grew used to it. He still called every night to say goodnight. And he’d offer a ride every day. I was careful to make sure Todd wouldn’t be there otherwise I’d say no. We spent a lot of quiet time together, like just holding hands or going to a movie. It was like we were past the need for conversation; we just were with each other. And that was comfortable. But then I’d see Todd glance our way and I’d get queasy, like he was judging or longing for something. I’d always drop Jason’s hand or stop cuddling if I saw Todd looking. It was just weird.

But then came Valentines Day—the most uncomfortable day if you’re single. But I discovered it was also the most awkward day if you have a boyfriend and his brother keeps watching you and you have this question in your brain about why. Jason didn’t offer me a ride, but when I woke up there was about a dozen of a dozen bouquets of all different colored long-stemmed roses on the doorstep. Annie wouldn’t stop squealing and she wouldn’t concentrate, so we missed the bus and Cadence had to drive us on her way to work, so we were late. But when I got to my first class, there was a single deep red rose on my desk. Everyone stared at me when I picked it up. And it was all super awkward. I had no idea what to do with it, but I knew I couldn’t throw it away or put it in my bag. So I just left it on my desk till I had to leave. But there were roses in every single class for me, all red. Annie, luckily, was in most of my classes and she thought it was so adorable, she would hold them the whole time. But I was scared for lunch. Not scared enough though, because it turned out to be a really long day.

I was on my way down to lunch, but I was going the long way in hopes of receiving fewer stares at my growing bouquet. But then Todd rounded the corner and I had no time to react. We both just stopped and looked at each other. Then he asked what the deal was, why was I avoiding him. I couldn’t believe he asked, so I just rolled my eyes and tried to get around him. But he wouldn’t let me.

“Brooke, what’s the problem? You can’t totally avoid me; you’re going out with my brother. Can’t we just be, like, civil—”

“Oh, shut up, Todd. We’re not friends and there’s no chance we’ll be friends after what you…said.”

He stared at me, his face reddening, but he wouldn’t let me pass. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to.” I snarled.

“I didn’t…mean it. I mean, competing with my brother always turns into a losing position for me.”

“What? Am I some prize? You guys take a bet over who could win me? I’m not for sale—to either of you!”

He grabbed my arm as I swung around. “No, that’s not what I meant. I—”

“What? I seethed, ripping my arm from his, “What do you mean? Just say it—do you like me or not?”

He didn’t answer; he just stuttered and looked down. And I turned as red as my roses. But not because I was mad, but because those flustered butterfly’s jumped in my gut again.

“You’re an idiot, Todd. What do you expect me to do?”

Suddenly he was mad. “You’re right—I am an idiot. I mean, look at what I wanted! I’m glad I didn’t take a bet on you—it’d be a waste of money. You’re just some spoiled brat who thinks the world revolves around her! I’m glad I’m not stuck with you and your selfish, high-maintenance self.”

I scoffed, fuming, my breath was catching and my voice was rising. “Well, I’d rather be a brat than be you. Look at you! You can’t even talk or stand up for yourself. And you’re so sure you are the best out there, you don’t even fight to be better. At least Jason’s going somewhere. You aren’t trying to be anything! You’re the spoiled one—life’s being fed to you and you have nowhere to go come graduation. Life will slap you hard, so don’t call me the brat!”

“Oh, you think you’re God?” he screamed, “You think that just because you go out with my brother, you know me? He doesn’t even know me! You guys don’t even talk around or about me! Just because I didn’t throw myself out there or tell the world my dreams doesn’t mean I don’t have any. My parents might be rich, but I’ve had to take care of myself for a while now—I’m not some spoiled girl who cries when she can’t get her frappacinno or get to some fashion show.”

“Yeah, so I don’t know you. But it doesn’t take the I.Q. of a genius to realize you don’t have any plans or a drive for anything higher. So prove, mister high-and-mighty. Prove you’re more than just some pig-headed little brother. Prove to the world that you’re suddenly more than just a nobody! Prove—”

Suddenly he grabbed me and kissed me. My roses fell from my arms and scattered across the hall. My mind was a screaming mess of emotions, but my heart was worse. All I could do was stand there. I was frozen because I couldn’t decide what to do. But as soon as he let me go, I just stared at him and I reacted. I slapped him, spun around and walked off. I didn’t dare look back; I didn’t care about my roses—I didn’t even run. I just walked slowly away and down to where Jason and I always sat. But I was still numb. It was like the earth was moving in slow motion—silent as a grave. I could see Annie standing nearby eagerly, her eyes sparkling as if she knew something I didn’t. I could see Todd down the hall, rubbing his jaw gently. And then I saw Jason. He held dozens roses, each with a chocolate kiss tied around the stem. He offered them to me, his million-dollar smile beaming up at me. I smiled, grabbing them and falling into his arms. But I was still numb and it still felt like an awful black and white movie. I felt sick inside, and I wiped at my eyes where hot tears started to fall. But everyone else just thought I was being sappy.

Jason spun me about; I could feel him laughing, but I didn’t hear it. And the world went slower when we spun past Todd. I could see his face—the hurt, the embarrassment. And I hugged tighter. As soon as Jason set me down, I kissed him. Hard. And that’s when my senses finally woke up. I could suddenly hear clapping and cheering and laughing. I heard Jason whisper in my ear. I felt his hand in mine. I could even feel the rose thorns cut at my hands. But I didn’t care. Because every time I tried to smile, I would see Todd out of the corner of my eye and I felt sick. And every time I felt sick, I’d hug tighter to Jason, desperate for something to stabilize me. I wanted to go home, but school was hardly over.

As soon as things calmed down and it became more normal, I told Jason I had to go to the restroom. And when Annie followed me and started giggling, I went even further. I left her in the bathroom with all my roses and went to the office to call Cadence.

I told her that I suddenly felt sick, that it must be the school food. She said she’d come get me. So I texted Jason that I was going to go home, that his roses were beautiful and I loved them, but that I felt sick—it must have been the casserole Cadence had cooked. He said he’d see me tomorrow. So I just went to the front foyer and waited. And as the bell rang and the halls emptied, I slid down the wall and started crying. And it hurt; the tears. But the worst was that I couldn’t figure out why I was crying, and it killed.