Fresh Scribbles

New Voice, New World

Reality For Real March 26, 2009

Last night i was watching the Bachelor episode i had TiVo-ed. That’s when Matt came over. He said his girlfriend had just dumped him. He said his girlfriend had felt unloved. He said he hadn’t seen it coming. I had. Everyone had. That is, everyone who saw her with Austin. But i didn’t tell Matt that. I couldn’t really talk. I mean, his now-ex girlfriend is my roommate. Not that I like her. I don’t. She was totally wrong for him. He was totally above her. Of course, I have to say that. Because he’s my best guy-friend. Actually, he’s my only guy-friend. Seems most guys won’t just be friends with you if your boyfriend is the quarterback. I thought that stuff ended with high school. It doesn’t.

But back to the guy-friend thing. Matt was my best friend from sophomore year in high school to sophomore year now. I think my boyfriend once threatened him. But Matt just laughed. That’s how he always is. But it’s kinda stupid to laugh at a quarterback. So I had to tell my boyfriend Matt was gay. And since he doesn’t really hang out with Matt’s crowd, he bought it. Funny how easy it was. I actually see Matt way more than said boyfriend. And, come to think of it, said boyfriend has plenty of girl friends. He always did have a double standard.

So, the reality show night. I was totally just watching the T.V. And Matt was sitting there, ragging on the ex when he suddenly shut up. I glanced over at the sudden silence and he was just staring off, mouth half-opened. I asked what his deal was and then he just looked at me and laughed. He always laughs, remember?

“I didn’t even love her.” He said, as if it was the epiphany of the year. But I’d so known that. It was a duh moment for me. I mean, him and her was like me and BF. It just…happened. And it didn’t matter. That’s when I put The Bachelor on mute. And I stared at him.

“I don’t love him.” I said. He smiled slyly. “Duh.” he said. Then I laughed.

“I just wasted a year.”

“And I wasted five.” he interjected, still sly.

“What?” I argued, “you were only with her for a few months!”

He just shrugged, leaning forward, obviously eager to get to a point. “Why were we such idiots, do you think?”

I shrugged, turning the volume back up. Conversations about my boyfriend always bored me. But, i guess, by that time he wasn’t really my boyfriend. Because of my not loving and not caring and all. Still, like I wanted to analyze my own stupidity when the Bachelor was handing out his final rose. Matt understood. Sort of. He leaned back on the couch, slouching to level himself with me. He always was tall. Massive torso. But he never ever slouched. So of course I glanced at him, wondering what he was up to. But he seemed pretty intent on The Bachelor as well. It was only after the commercial break that I realized he’d inched closer. Weird. I mean, he isn’t exactly the touchy type. Which, to me was one of the deciding factors in his recent break-up since the ex was very, very touchy. So I asked if he was cold. He laughed. But then the Bachelor was up and the first girl was getting out of the limo and I was so invested in the decision that my eyes were glued to the T.V and nothing else.

The girl was my favorite. Probably because she was a lot like me. Petite. Blonde. A little cynical but still sweet. Attitude with a little bit of shyness. I’d been rooting for her since the first night when she called the bachelor out on a stupid thing he’d said. And now I was watching the finale. They were perfect for each other. Like The Notebook couple. Totally get in each other’s faces but so perfectly romantic and complete opposite. And what does he do??? He lets her go! For some green-eyed brunette who laughs like a cow. And, no, cows DO NOT laugh. I got so angry! I leapt from the couch and screamed, kneeling up by the T.V. and cursing the day the Bachelor ever got accepted to be on national television.

Matt laughed at me. Which is NOT smart to do when I’m emotionally involved in a T.V. show. i turned on him. But he just knelt next to me, allowing me to be angry for a while before he interrupted.

“Didn’t you once say I was like him?”

Yes, I had. The second week it was on. They were almost clones. Except his eyes weren’t as blue as Matt’s. But that did not seem the best time to bring up a likeness. Especially since I wanted to destroy the one on T.V. Maybe i’d settle with the twin. But Matt didn’t seem scared. He just laughed again. “And aren’t you like her?”

“YES! And he just let her go! They were perfect and he was her SOULMATE and he just made her WALK AWAY!!! It was like the best couple in the universe and–BAM–now, it’s nothing. They were perfect and….”

I stopped. Because I realized–everything. The way he looked at me when he said he hadn’t loved the ex. The way he looked when I said I didn’t love my BF. The way he said Five Years–the time we’d known each other. The way he inched closer. The way he smiled. The way he was crawling closer to me. The way I was in his arms now. The way he pushed my hair out of my eyes. The way his thumb slid across my stressed brow, softening my scowl. And now I couldn’t breathe. The Bachelor was proposing behind me to the wrong girl . But I didn’t care. My eyes were locked on Matt’s. Which were laughing. Yes, eyes DO laugh. At least his do.

“Why was he such an idiot, do you think?” His voice was a whisper, surprising.

“Maybe he just didn’t realize what was right in front of him. And they just let it go because they couldn’t see….”

My last words melted away, hazy and unimportant. He was inching closer, his hand around my neck, warm, sure. He kissed me. I kissed him. Time stopped. Everything stopped. Except him and me. That was enough. I didn’t even care what happened on The Bachelor. Because it was happening to me–my own reality. Crazy how things work out, isn’t it?

 

The Break-up Conversation March 25, 2009

Filed under: fiction — inkslinger91 @ 1:25
Tags: , , , , , , ,

“Can you tell me what it’s like?”

“What?”

“Being the biggest JERK in the friggin’ world?!”

“Um…. What are you talking about?”

“YOU! Don’t play stupid. I saw you with her! No, correction: I saw you ON her. All over her. So you have about five seconds to answer the friggin’ question!”

“What question? What are you smoking? What is going on? Am I being punk’d? What are you talking about?”

“Save the crap. Just tell me what it’s like being such a jacka–”

“I have NOT cheated on you. But, really, it’s starting to sound like a good idea. You are CRAZY!”

“Oh, so now it’s my fault you’re a philandering molester-of-women?? You’re such a son of a–”

“Okay, this has gotta be a joke. You are such a paranoid chick! I have never cheated on you. Never. So what do you want me to say to finish this conversation?”

“TELL ME THE TRUTH!”

“I have! I told you, I haven’t cheated on you! I mean, come ON! This is ridiculous. I don’t know where you’d even think I’d have time to do another girl: you are always on. my. BACK!”

“Don’t turn this on me. I’m not the one taking a stroll in another girl’s pants!”

“News flash: neither am I! I didn’t even see this coming! You are so insecure, It’s like you WANT an excuse to break up with me.”

“Who said anything about breaking up?”

“Ha! Okay, that’s it. You’ve lost it. Totally INSANE! I stuck around you for way too long, you clingy, little control freak!”

“Where are you going?”

“You tell me! Maybe I’m gonna take a stroll in your sister’s pants!”

“I knew it! You ARE cheating on me!!”

 

Twilight, condensed* … condensed again March 18, 2009

*As requested, it’s about a page and a half shorter. I wasn’t sure what was wanted, so sorry if this isn’t exactly it.*

It all started when I, like, moved up to Forks and my dad got me a piece-of-crap truck. Which I loved. Cuz I have this thing for really, really old, potentially dangerous things. Duh. At school, there was this super attractive family that nobody talked to cuz they are “weird”. Edward was the youngest and his eyeballs were so mesmerizing. I just stared and stared. But he thought I smelt which totally sucked cuz I so wanted him. So I did what any normal girl would do: I started stalking him. And I found out he was a really, really old, potentially dangerous vampire who happened to be stalking me as well. He told me I should never ever love him. Something about him wanting to eat me. Whatever. That’s way hot. So what did I do? I fell head over heels for him. And he totally HEARTS me too.

He showed me how he sparkles. It was so sexy. Too bad he’s like a slab of ice. I still can’t resist making out with him. I just want more and more, cuz he has perfect lips, of course. But he’s all, “No, I’ll eat you, Bella.” Which just makes me want more. I mean, right? I just try again and again and we’re always arguing as we kiss cuz he’s hungry and he can’t take any more and I’m hungry and all I want is HIM. It’s way precious.

Everything else was so perfect and wonderful. But then this other vampire clan came and they just weren’t nice. Ruined everything. Edward, who is so overprotective and smothering it’s cute, freaks and makes me hit the road. I end up at my mom’s cuz the evil vampire is stalking me. Kinda like Edward did. Except this guy wants to rip my heart out. I would be turned on, but I’m so smitten by Mr. Perfect-marble-god Edward that I can’t think about any other guys.

Well, I end up falling into the evil vampire’s trap cuz I’m so selfless I give myself up to save cool people I love so very much. So I go and practically serve myself up with gravy and potatoes. The evil vampire is so about to kill me when Edward comes from nowhere—he’s magic, you know—and they get into this enormous Vamp fight. It was so exciting: they were fighting over me! But I got bit, it seems. And it hurt. I was writhing on the floor and was all in and out of consciousness. Mostly I was worried about how I looked cuz I’m so scared Edward thinks I’m just an ugly human and me weeping on the floor, bleeding and foaming at the mouth wasn’t helping the matter. But I know, somehow, Edward saved me and ripped the evil vampire to shreds and burned those shreds in a great bonfire. That’s how it’s done.

Back at Forks, everything returned to normal. Except Edward made me go to prom with him which was totally lame but I couldn’t argue cuz I love him. Besides, whenever I look at his glittery perfection, I just melt. So he’s in charge. He loves me, so he knows what’s best for me. Always. And you’re jealous. I know it. Cuz he’s hot. Just get that into your head. He’s totally hot and he’s all mine. I mean, I’m all his. Which is perfect. Too bad that evil vampire’s girlfriend is going to kill me. I could have been so happy.

 

Twilight, condensed* March 17, 2009

* No copyright infringement is intended*

So, like, I was gonna die but I totally didn’t care cuz—guess what?—I had a hot boyfriend, so I’d die happy. Totally. But, rewind. Let me tell you ALL about my life with said boyfriend.

It all started when I, like, moved up to the little town called Forks—I know, right?—and my dad got me a truck which was a total piece of junk but, hey, it’s the thought that counts. Besides, I love really, really old, potentially dangerous things. Which is why I was so attracted to my boyfriend. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In Forks, there was either something in the water or every high school student was smoking pot cuz they all thought I was hot. Weird. But there was this super attractive family that nobody talked to cuz they were “weird”. Edward was the youngest and his eyeballs were so mesmerizing, I just stared and stared. But he thought I smelt which totally sucked cuz I sooo wanted him. In fact, I pretty much started stalking him. And I found out he was a really, really old, potentially dangerous vampire who happened to be stalking me as well. He saved me from my own stupidity—sometimes I just don’t think—and then I found out he wanted to eat me which is such a turn on for me. Plus, he could read minds. Super cool! Except he couldn’t read mine cuz I’m magic. He once brought me home to meet his family. Jasper was super chill, like some crazy beach bum hippie who was always like “Bella, relaaaax.” Alice, she totally loves me and is like super in tune with the world cuz she, like, really sees the future. Then there’s Rosalie who just wishes she was hot like me and totally has prima donna issues. But she’s so beautiful, I still worship her. Her boyfriend, Emmet, is a hunk who’s totally funny. Like, so. Then his parents, Esme and Carlisle, are just totally Stepford. They were so much cooler than my family. Speaking of which, my dad totally did not trust Edward cuz I did a lousy job at communicating how we were soul mates and I trusted him with my life and that I’d be a vampire one day too so that Edward and I could be totally happy for all eternity. (Secret reason for wanting to be a vampire? I’d be perfectly hot, so Edward would really want me as bad as I wanted him. Being a vampire ROCKS.) But Dads just don’t understand.

One day, Edward took me away and showed me how he sparkled in the sunlight. Like a crystal. It was so sexy. He’s just so cold, but I can’t resist making out with him. I just want more and more, cuz he has perfect lips, of course. But he’s all, “No, I’ll eat you, Bella. I can’t resist.” Which just makes me want more. I mean, how sexy is that? So I try and seduce him, but, cuz I’m so awkward, I’m really super bad at it. But he doesn’t think so. He groans and I make out with him and then he chides me like I was some kid who needed reprimanding. But I’m so needy I just try again and again and we’re just always arguing as we kiss cuz he’s hungry and he can’t take any more and I’m hungry and ll I want is HIM. It’s way precious.

That was a huge portion of the year—my making out with him and him saying no. But then this other vampire clan came and they just weren’t nice. It was so rude. They really were gonna eat me—I just smell so good, you know. I can’t help it. So Edward, who is so overprotective and smothering it’s cute, freaks and makes me scream at my dad to get away. I end up at my mom’s cuz the bad vampire is stalking me. Kinda like Edward did. Except this guy wants to rip my heart out with his teeth. I would be turned on, but I’m so smitten by Mr. Perfect-marble-god Edward that I can’t think about any other guys. It’s them who don’t catch the hint. They all come on so strong. I guess I just smell too good to resist.

What happens next is me falling for the evil vampire’s trickery cuz I’m so selfless I’d give myself up to save those cool people I love so very much. So I go to the ballet studio and practically serve myself up with gravy and potatoes. Which is where we are now. Dying, remember?

The evil vampire cackles and is about to suck my blood when Edward comes from nowhere—he’s magic, you know—and they get into this enormous fight. It was so exciting: they were fighting over me! Who would have thought I was so popular? I mean, really, it is so romantic what they would do for me. But I got bit, it seems. And it hurt. I was writhing on the floor and I was all in and out of conscience. Mostly I was worried about how I looked cuz I’m so scared Edward thinks I’m ugly already and me weeping on the floor, bleeding and foaming at the mouth wasn’t helping the matter. But I know, somehow, Edward won and saved me and the rest of the cool family came and ripped the evil vampire to shreds and burn those shreds of evil vampire. It just so happens to be the only way to kill a vampire. Since they’re so perfect.

I woke up in the hospital and everyone believed some nonsense about me crashing down the stairs, through a window and onto a poisonous mine field and surviving. I was gonna get mad at Edward for making me look like such an idiot, when, really, I’d just been so selfless. But I saw him in all his glittery perfection and I just melted. I ended up back in Forks and Edward made me go to prom with him which was totally lame but I couldn’t argue cuz I love him. So he’s in charge. He loves me so he knows what’s best for me. Always. So I’m really happy. And you’re jealous. I know it. Cuz he’s hot. Just get that into your head. He’s totally hot and he’s all mine. I mean, I’m all his. Which is perfect. Too bad that evil vampire’s girlfriend is going to kill me. I could have been so happy.

 

Happiness Is… January 4, 2009

Writing on mirrors
Air hugs
Silent laughter
The smell of leather
Popping packing bubbles
Late nights
Singing in the car
Romantic comedies
a new pillow
Laughing till you can’t breathe, your sides hurt, and you’re crying
—Making someone laugh like that
The first time you wear something new
Ripping off wrapping paper
Erasing a mistake
Licking the spoon
Crying
Ogling over unavailable guys
A good hair day
Water fights
Crisp dollars
Permanent markers
Rain clouds
High heels
Coloring inside the lines
No homework
Quoting movies like nobody’s business
The color green
Sleeping in
Laughing with galpals
Sprawling
Holding hands
The scratch of a pen on paper
Watching snow fall
Slippers
Doodling
Heels clicking on tile
Your “doctor” signature
Hearing your favorite song on the radio
Ooing and Awing
Being told you’re beautiful
Making up words
Daydreaming
Trying something new and absolutely bombing
Spring blossoms
Cake batter
Speeding
Getting dressed up
Falling down with someone
Shouting out something random
Warm blankets
Roasted starbursts
Sunsets
Hearing a new joke
Watching people smile
Potatoes
Reading by a fire
Sitting on countertops
Dipping your toes in
Sounding awful but singing anyway
Trying on dresses
Old books
Walking into a home reeking with goodness
Loaded with paper bags
Using big words
Doing it when everybody says you can’t
Breaking something
Using words incorrectly
Warm food
Breathing in crisp, autumn air
Music
Laughing at your mistake
Eskimo kisses
Surprises
Making a difference and not being recognized for it
The smell of hairspray
Winning
–losing
Pretending life is a musical
Holidays
Standing up for something
The sound of typing
Slow dancing
Midnight showings
Basking in the sunlight
Countdowns
Shooting stars
Old books
Talking to yourself
Being crazy

Being yourself.

 

Evalyn’s Memoirs … excerpt/preview July 11, 2008

Filed under: Continued, Creative Writing, Shelby Boyer, fiction — inkslinger91 @ 1:25
Tags: , , , , ,

To all my readers out there, I have been writing. I promise! But I know I’ve left you in the dark. So, I’m back. And I’m giving you a taste of the work that has distracted me! This is an excerpt from Evalyn’s Memoirs (the journal-type novel I had on one of my pages). It is just after her ball. At her ball she had been kissed and finally realized who she loved. And this is the next morning when…well, I’ll just let you read :)

*

I found myself outside, by the veranda. My breaths got short as I realized where I was—just outside the ballroom. I tell you, I never felt so foolish. But that didn’t stop me from letting my feet carry me down the path. I knew exactly where I was going. That’s why my blush deepened with each step. But I knew nothing could stop me. My mind was going crazy, re-imagining every moment on that path with detail. That’s why I wasn’t at all surprised to find myself in the very bit of the park where it had happened. And my memory was so vivid, I could see him standing there. He was standing with his back to me, his eyes staring off. That’s when I realized it wasn’t my imagination.

I couldn’t help but gasp, and the noise made him spin about, his entire self unkempt and rough looking. His shirt wasn’t tucked in, his jacket was unbuttoned and yet he still sent giggles down my spine. He quickly apologized for scaring me, his eyes falling to the ground as he played with one hand nervously. I bit down my smile, suddenly nervous myself.

“What are you doing here?” I asked softly, hoping on hope that I knew why; that it would coincide with why I was. He smiled, finally looking at me.

“You look beautiful, my princess.”

I paid no attention to it, I just took a small step forward, pulling back a bit of hair from my face. “Answer the question, good sir.”

He took a step forward also, staring at nothing but my eyes, speaking quickly and not at all nervously.

“After the ball, I could not let sleep. I was scared to wake and find everything to be a dream. I didn’t even try to sleep. I have been out here, standing, just hoping it wasn’t all a dream. And I don’t think it is. Your beauty haunts these paths. It’s almost as if each of my senses is completely enraptured by you and only you. These roses—I smell nothing sweet from them. And the sun. I have watched it rise and climb and fall, but it was nothing compared to your smile; your eyes. I have walked through these trees a thousand times, wondering if I could hear a birds song. But I couldn’t; I was completely entranced by your laugh. I almost went mad spending the day here, unsure of what was real or what I had imagined. Even now, I fear this is only a dream. That you, you will fade away again. It is you—your beauty—that has kept me here. I cannot leave. I am afraid it will all leave me. Nothing will ever be able to compare to your beauty ever again. I will never find joy in a rose, in a bird, in a sunset ever again. For you defy all.”

By now only his stare kept me standing. He was right in front of me, inches from my face. And then I realized his hand was grasping my face, pressing gently against my cheek. But still, all I could truly recognize were his eyes. They seemed to hold the passion of the world. The were scared and sure all at the same time. And they held me spellbound. He spoke again, more softly as I found his mouth was pressed to my ear.

“You have captured me and I will never be free. I don’t want to be. And that, my princess, is why I am here. I need you.”

I was absolutely breathless. My hand darted into his other one, the one that wasn’t holding me close. And then I smiled, looking at him. “I wish you’d call me Evalyn.”

He shook his head his eyes still serious. “No, you are my princess. You rule my heart, mind, strength. You are crowned above men and worth more than jewels. You, princess, can be known as nothing else.”

“Do you dare disobey me?” I whispered, teasing as best I could under the circumstances.

He smiled. A soft, small smile that made his eyes crinkle. “I do.”

And then he kissed me, sending that burst of magic through me. I was spinning again.

 

Broken Promises June 28, 2008

My foot started cramping as the minutes passed. It was tucked under my legs as I lounged on the couch, wishing everything away. He sat next to me; the piles of papers and books falling from his lap. It was near midnight. And that was when I sighed. We’d been there—same position—for over five hours. And I learned, like, nothing. At all.

“I hate English. Can we please call it quits? Please, I’m begging you.” I asked tiredly.

He laughed softly, stretching his back across the arm rest. “Lauren! You mean, you don’t find this fun?”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh yeah. No, Josh, sorry. Guess I don’t have the brain capacity of you cuz all this was in one ear and out the other.”

“Yeah, well, I guess if we don’t know it now, we’ll never know it. Might as well sleep.”

“Hallelujah.” I whispered, letting a relieved smile slide onto my face. But I didn’t move; I was too tired. I just closed my eyes and leaned my head back.

“So…should I go?”

He looked over at me awkwardly and I laughed.

“Sorry, I’m just tired.”

He nodded, biting his lip. “Ya, the drooling on the couch sorta gave that away.”

I hit him, laughing.

“Funny. At least I don’t keep looking at the kitchen as if I’m gonna die if I don’t get food this second.”

He chuckled. “That noticeable?”

I nodded, standing slowly and falling into a stretch. “Do you want something to eat?”

He stood, “Not to impose…but yes.”

I smiled, nudging him. “It’s fine. My mom would die if you left here hungry. She totally loves you.”

“Ah, yes. The only one in this house who does.”

“Well, can you really blame my dad? I mean, your family moves in, he goes over to say hi and you sick your bulldog on him.”

I could hardly say it without laughing. Josh just blushed.

“I seriously thought he was gonna kill me! He’s huge and he was practically charging at me. It was…instinctual.”

I just laughed, opening some cabinets and looking for any sort of munchies.

“But is he the only one? Who hates me, I mean?”

I glanced over at him, my forehead crinkling. “Well, there’s Balderdash. But he hates everyone.”

“Oh yes, the dog.” He said with a twinkle. His eyes always twinkled—even when he was mad.

“But is that it?” He continued, keeping his eyes on me, “Do you hate me like your dad…or do you love me—like your mom?”

I blushed, turning quickly away.

“Not in a weird way or anything.” he added quickly. “Just curious.”

I chuckled nervously. “Always curious, huh?”

He didn’t laugh. In fact, he didn’t do anything but look at me; his eyes twinkling. I didn’t know why.

We stood for a moment; him just staring, and me, blushing.

“So, what’s on the menu?” he asked finally, slipping onto one of the barstools.

I stuttered, confused and…flustered. “Well, we have peanut butter and…peanut butter.”

He laughed, “Okay then. I’m good with that. As long as it’s chunky.”

I gasped, “Of course! Only real peanut butter.”

“Isn’t that a bit of an oxymoron?”

I scowled, “No more English, kay? And you’re the one who asked for it.”

“I know, I know. I was just…quoting something. I’m surprised you don’t remember. …Sara’s pool party.”

I stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Duh! That little five year old after the food fight. He told your mom that he had oxymoron goo all over him. How could I forget? It was you who got the peanut butter out, huh? And you pretty much threw it all over him when he said he didn’t like it cuz you can’t have chunky butter.” I laughed, digging my spoon into the peanut butter. Sara was his little sister; we had been baby-sitting.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling, “You swore you’d never forget.”

I rolled my eyes, “Well that was nearly three years ago. We were like, what, fifteen. Hey—that was the same day your swimsuit flew off as you jumped from the diving board!”

He groaned, blushing under my laugh. “That, however, you swore you’d never mention.”

“Right.” I laughed. “Well, what good are promises if you can’t break them.”

“Ooo! deep!” he laughed, licking his spoon clean. “Sure your parents appreciate that theory.”

I nodded. And it went strangely quiet. Both of us were focused on swallowing.

“So,” josh said after a moment, “What are more promises we can or have broken?”

I thought for a moment. “How ‘bout how you promised me you’d pay me back for those concert tickets.”

“Oh!” he groaned, “Low blow, Lauren! Geez! well, what about you? You promised me you’d never kiss Jake. And—boom—first date, he got you.”

I gasped, “Man, josh. You are ruthless. Besides, I told you, he’s the one who kissed me. I nearly killed myself after. Pity date gone horribly wrong, remember.”

He just laughed, his eyes twinkling like mad. “Yes, well, I still think it’s funny.”

“Besides, why did it matter so much to you? You pretty much made me write in my own blood that I wouldn’t kiss him.”

He didn’t respond, just quickly thrust his spoon in his mouth. I watched him for a moment, surprised by his silence. He was never quiet; and never without a comeback.

“Well what about ones we still have to break?” he asked, avoiding my eyes. He put the spoon down, pushing the jar of peanut butter away.

I looked at him, surprised at how he totally avoiding what I’d said. but he just waited for me to respond.

“Well, we promised we would pass this test.”

He laughed, “Good one. Totally positive, too.”

I rolled my eyes. “What about you? You’ve got a promise you’re dying to break?”

He looked down, and then straight at me. It took me back; surprised me. And I found I couldn’t breathe. That’s when I realized just how close we were. Our knees were touching under the counter; his hand just by mine on the counter. I could almost smell the peanut butter on his breath.

“How ‘bout when I promised I’d never kiss a girl I didn’t absolutely love?”

I stared at him, suddenly nervous. Especially since he leaned closer.

“Well, who you got in mind, cowboy?” I asked, trying desperately to laugh. But he ignored me.

“Or, how we’d just be friends?”

Suddenly his face was hardly an inch away from mine; his eyes were sparkling again. I still couldn’t breathe. My eyes even closed. And his voice turned to a whisper. A spine tingling, total breathtaking whisper.

“How do those sound?”

I swallowed, my eyes still closed. “Good.” I whispered, losing all control as he sunk closer.

I could feel him—it was the only sense that was working. I could feel his hand slip gently around my neck, pulling me closer. I felt his thumb slowly graze my cheek, his other hand reaching my other one. I could feel his breath dance across my face. I felt my heart stop; I felt myself shiver. And then he kissed me. And I felt that.

It was as if the whole world started to twinkle and I finally felt at home. Everything seemed to be right; everything was as it should be. It was as if, in that tiny moment, years of being friends finally made sense. It was all for that single kiss. That one, beautiful tirade of broken promises. And all I could do was smile. But it was enough, because he still kissed me.

 

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 15 May 15, 2008

By Monday I was smiling again; life seemed a bit brighter. Cadence seemed relieved my random-emotional-over-kill moments were over. So was I. And school seemed good and nearly normal. I was used to it—most of it—now. Except the food. I don’t think anyone could ever get used to that.

I actually backed off Jason a bit. Not in a bad way, though. We were still together. In fact, we were number one on the Best Valentine’s Ever list. Someone had posted a picture of me sobbing as he had handed me the roses. That sort of made me cringe, because I remembered why I had been crying. But it was still sweet. And Jason looked good. We both seemed better. He had given me a ride and not mentioned anything about what we had talked about. Surprisingly, that just added pressure to my obligation to talk to Todd. Which turned out to be an awful experience—no surprise. But I’m getting ahead of myself. And that was probably the understatement of the year.

I was walking to my next class alone and I saw him—alone. He caught my eye and with a bug-eyed sigh, spun around and started walking the other way. That made me agitated and I ran to his side, determined to get it over with.

“Todd,” I said, coming to a slow stop, “We have to talk.”

He scowled at me, looking ready to bite. “About what, Brooke? Your point was clear—and I’ll have you know my jaw was bruised because of it.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s exactly it—why don’t you just grow up?”

He barked a short laugh. “Yeah, look who’s talking? You are such a friggin’ hypocrite, you know that?”

I stared at him, my jaw dropping. “Excuse me? All I said was that we need to talk; not get in some screaming fight.”

“Well, see if I care about your shallow antics! You think cuz you come and say ‘we have to talk’ that makes you the mature one?”

“Mature—you think you are mature? Like, serious?”

“’Like, serious?’” He mimicked, staring icily at me, “You know what Brooke, how ‘bout you go stick your tongue down my brothers throat and get out of my life?”

I stared, an angry laugh slipping into my words, “Now that is real maturity.”

“Do you really think I care? You think you’ve changed; that because you had your perfect life ripped away from you, you are a new person. You’re not. You are the same snotty bimbo who—”

“How can you even stand there and act as if you know me! You don’t—never will. Todd—just leave me alone and GROW UP.” I spun around, giving up and desperate to get to class; to get away. But he made me turn around.

“There you go again; pretending you’re queen of the world! You’re just this Manhattan prep who’s going for Jason because of his money, his style; even his so-called ‘drive’! You are nothing more than a teenage gold digger.”

That was too much. I shoved him back a step, silencing him immediately. “Don’t you dare accuse me! I am no gold digger.”

“Oh yeah?” he screamed, coming back a step closer, “Then what’s his middle name? How about his favorite color? Do you even know what things he likes to do—I mean, except making out with you.”

“You jealous?” I bit, getting in his face, “Todd, I know Jason. So why don’t you save face and shut up.”

He laughed, still screaming, “If what you know of Jason is considered knowing people, no wonder you have such a shallow existence! I bet you couldn’t list five things about him; what he likes or wants. Yeah—you know he’s going to college, you know he’s hot. But you don’t know him.”

Suddenly I was no longer bold. A growing crowd was surrounding us and I just realized it. My cheeks flushed; I was red and steaming. “That’s not true.” I whispered, willing it all to go away. But Todd wasn’t done.

“No, but its okay; he’s doesn’t know you either.” His words were quieter too, but they still cut at me. And I started to cry; silent, hot tears that made my skin flush more. The silence from the crowd was almost deafening. But not as much as Todd’s quiet accusations.

“You two…you don’t care. You just take. He can’t even say he knows you; listens to you—sees you. You guys just use each other. And I guess that works for you, but, just know, there’s nothing there. And one day that’s gonna hurt.”

“Who do you even think you are?” The words were slow and deep. I was angry. “You think you know me better—Jason told me about you; how you don’t even have your own life! And now you’re telling me that you know more about mine than he does; than I do?”

His eyes fell to the floor. I was fuming, my breaths short and tight. I hoped it was over, that I could turn and run; but he spoke. And it hurt.

“Well, I know he can’t see how beautiful you are. No, he see’s the colors and shapes. But he doesn’t know how, when you’re bored, you start to play with the tips of your hair. He doesn’t see that there’s a face you make for every kind of emotion. Your eyebrows sink just to the left when you’re thinking. And, when you smile, your nose sort of crinkles. There’s a dimple on your right cheek that only shows up when you bite your lip. And I know how you like it when your hair falls across your eyes—it means you can finally breathe; you don’t have to put on a face for everyone.” Every word made me blush. It was making me sick. He didn’t even seem to notice. I don’t think he knew there was a crowd around us. His eyes were on me and me alone.

“I know that you want to be held close—even in a dance. You—you look great in teal; it’s your favorite color. I know you’d rather have PB and J’s than caviar or…quail. You want to be more than a rich snob; you want to get out of this stereotype of fashion and…snootiness! You want to go to prom! You wanna climb a tree—wear jeans that cost less than a three digit number. There’s something in your eyes that tells—everyone—that you want to be you; not the rich girl from Manhattan.”

Now I was tired and officially pissed off. “You are a jerk. A total, bitter jerk who thinks he knows everything. But you don’t. And you just proved it.” My voice started to rise; my stance straightened and I was ready to punch something. Preferably him. “How can you think that, for one second, I would ever want to be with someone who thinks he knows me better than I do? I would never want you; you’re just a little boy making guess work about me. You don’t know me. You, Todd, are an absolute as—”

“What’s going on here?”

It was the principal. He pushed himself through the crowd and into the circle where Todd and I stood. People started to talk and the choking silence around us finally stopped. I could breathe. But then Jason pushed his way through, right next to the principal. His eyes were wide and not at all humored.

“Yeah—what is this, Todd?” His voice was almost malicious. And Todd suddenly looked sheepish.

“I—we…were just…talking.” He stuttered, not daring to look anywhere in particular. I snorted, hot tears still falling down my face. Jason wrapped his arms around me and the principal stared sternly about.

“Todd, you just need to grow up.” Jason said, his voice bringing the silence back.

Todd laughed; it was almost a cruel laugh. “Yeah—I’ve heard that a lot today—”

“That’s because you do. I can’t believe…just…go to hell.”

The principal raised his hands to calm the crowd. Even Todd seemed close to tears. But then it turned ugly. His eyes got venomous and he nearly spat at us.

“Oh, just take your whore and have a happy life.”
Those words by themselves would have been shocking enough, but what happened next blew it overboard.

Jason’s arm was suddenly no longer around my shoulders. In a split second, his fist was thrown forcefully into Todd’s face and he was knocked to the ground. Then the principal was grabbing Jason and holding him back, shoving him into the wall of people that now started freaking out. Todd tried to stand, his hand covering his mouth where blood sputtered out.

Chaos ricocheted through the crowd—people were talking, some were laughing, the principal was yelling at everyone and more teachers showed up; half of them wondering where their students were and the other were curious as to what the noise was. One of the teachers helped Todd up, pulling him to the nurses. Jason was carted off by the principal and the crowd was told to get to class. I just stood, more surprised than anyone. I couldn’t move.

Eventually someone told me to get to class—I don’t remember who. But I wasn’t there for long. Soon I got a note calling me to the principal’s. I was surprised to see a cop; they asked me to tell them what had happened. I didn’t really want to. I avoided the topic of conversation and just explained that we had gotten in a fight. They told me I had to go home; that I was suspended for the rest of the day. Some bull crap about how I had impeded on the education and peace of the school. I was forced to call Cadence; some sort of try at an emotional punishment. But I didn’t really care. Home sounded good to me. So Cadence came—I did feel bad though; she had to leave work—and I left. I didn’t know where Jason was or what his punishment was. But I didn’t really care. I still just wanted to disappear. Cadence wouldn’t let me. She asked what had happened and I knew I had to tell her. It took me so long, we were sitting in the garage for a while. And afterwards she just looked at me and then she whistled. Made a joke about how my life was a soap opera. I didn’t find it funny. She got that and let me get out and go inside. But first she told me I would have to make dinner; that she had to work late because of me. I didn’t really mind. I just went inside and lied down, desperate to forget it all.

 

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 14 May 13, 2008

Life was tense for the next week. And Jason seemed to get that. Of course, it wasn’t hard to catch on. Every time I saw Todd, heard his name, or even thought of Todd, I’d hug tighter to Jason. Randomly, in the middle of classes, I’d kiss him. Just willing myself to get Todd out of my head. English was the worst. Jason just thought I was completely in to him, which I was. But even I knew that wasn’t why I would hold tight.

On Saturday night he got it out of me. We were sitting outside on my porch swing and I wasn’t really talking. Jason just held my hand and, sighing deeply, asked me what was wrong. At first I tried to veer the conversation in another direction, but I couldn’t resist those eyes and—slowly—I told him everything. About that one time Todd had given me a ride, about the stares, about the screaming fight, and even about the kiss. I was scared to tell it, afraid Jason would stand up and go shoot his brother. But he just laughed; a slow, sad sort of laugh. I sat back, staring at him and asking what on earth his deal was.

He just shook his head, “That’s just…my brother.”

“Just your brother? Oh, so what, he can just go around kissing your girlfriend and you won’t care?” I pushed myself out of his arms, totally pissed, and scooted across the bench.

His eyes got wide. “No, that’s not what I mean! It’s just…. Todd, he….” He sighed, pulling me back over and forcing hand in his. “Todd has a habit of…wanting to be me. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. Everything I have, he wants. He just…never really was his own self. Like, my classes—he has almost the same exact schedule, but he hates half the stuff. He asks my mom for the same stuff I ask for. He’s like some sort of…leech living off of somebody else’s life.”

“So you mean to say he really doesn’t like me?” It wasn’t a sad question, or even mad. I was just asking, really curious.

He looked at me for a second, a sort of laugh in his eyes, “Who wouldn’t like you?”

I hit him, trying to keep the situation serious.

“I don’t know,” he sighed, “I can’t really say I’m surprised. He did it before. With my last girlfriend.” His voice went all quiet and I didn’t dare breathe. “He just…can’t think for himself. And, yeah, it gets annoying, but it’s him. And I didn’t think he liked you. It was just at lunch that first day that he pointed you out, said you were a nut case—but a gorgeous one. I had laughed, but I was curious. Especially when I saw you. And I told him—I told him he could go for you. And, when he didn’t, I even asked him if I could. And he said yeah—that you weren’t some cow to be bought and paid for. That all is fair in love and that he didn’t even want to try for you. That you were high maintenance and a pain. But I didn’t see that, or at least I didn’t mind it, so I went for it.”

I just watched him, different emotions coming with every word. A cow? High maintenance? Go for it? Nut case? Didn’t mind it? But I didn’t bring any of it up. I just looked down, petting his knuckles and breathing slowly. But he wasn’t done.

He laughed softly, leaning his chin on my head. “So, I just have one question for you….”

I looked up; his sparkling eyes surprisingly close and completely mischievous.

“Who’s the better kisser?”

And finally, I laughed. And he kissed me. And the night finally felt warm again.

We sat there for a while more, listening to nothing more than our own breathing. His hands still clasped mine, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt safe and comfortable. I could have slept, right there, but he had a curfew. So I walked him to his car and we stood there for a while more, sharing a kiss and then he told me something. He said I didn’t have to be awkward around Todd, that eventually Todd would get over himself. I snorted, saying that seemed a lofty hope. But Jason was serious. He told me that Todd really was a nice guy, just slightly immature. But then again, no one could blame him for falling for a girl like me–least of all Jason. He also said that I should talk to Todd, that he trusted me. I didn’t know what he expected me to say, so I just nodded, saying I’d keep it in mind. He chuckled and then, with one last hug, kissed me goodnight and left.

So I went to bed and finally felt normal again, as if the world was righted or the worries were gone. Todd still haunted the corner of my mind, but now it was a little less threatening. Especially since I could still feel Jason. And it felt…good.

 

Collision May 12, 2008

Collision; there are two sorts of it—one more popular than the other. There’s the violent, painful one—the reason it’s so misunderstood. The collision where car meets person, where flame meets oxygen, where rams butt heads. But then there’s a good sort of collision. Imagine life without fireworks or cannonball dives. Those are collisions. Or there’s the magic that comes with the splitting sound of a bat meeting a baseball. There is the collision of oil and potato’s—nothing like some French fries to make you smile. But people don’t think of that as a collision—people pray to never taste collision. I was one of those. For a while.

I was a bachelor; 37 years and still aging. I can’t say I was suave or debonair. Because I wasn’t. I lived in my bachelor pad, I began to bald and wrinkle and grow width-wise. And for the most part, I was okay with it. Or at least used to it. I was an orphan—I had already seen a lot of the bad sort of collision. I was a twin; he had died at seven. But that’s another story in itself; I won’t go there. My parents collided with a semi when I was seventeen. My mom had just unbuckled her seatbelt to get a drink I had refused to—I had been mad at them. The last words I spoke to them—right before the collision—were “You guys can never understand—you don’t even have a life”. I can remember my dad cursing right before, telling me to shut up. And the semi had spun into oncoming traffic and our car had flipped; colliding with a barrier. I can still remember the sound my mom’s neck had made when it collided with the hood. I got a bit bitter, but eventually got over it. Well, came to accept it. I even went to church for a while, but I don’t think I was ever the same. And maybe that’s a good thing. In any case, I was alone and I was fine with that.

I had never been part of the in-crowd. As a young adult, I was attractive. But I was a geek. And that was a turn off to most. I’d get those flirting eyes from girls but as soon as they saw the pen in the pocket, they just started laughing and pointing. But that didn’t really matter to me; I didn’t like any of them. But I don’t really remember why; I can’t figure out why I don’t mind being reclusive or why I never bothered to date or…anything. I mean, I wasn’t one of those super geniuses—I didn’t start my own company or make billions. But, on the other hand, I also wasn’t working at some video game store or selling sci-fi books. I was comfortable, but I wasn’t living. And a collision made me see that—a good one…though it started out a little rough.

It was grocery time and I went to the store, going in for nothing more than green beans and chicken. I went to get a cart, bent down to pick up a piece of trash and suddenly I was lying on the ground, a cart slowly stopping by my head. I heard a curse and then I sort of zoned out—but not completely. A brunette kneeled down, freaking out and asking if everything was fine. She mumbled on about how she hadn’t seen me. Finally I sat up, blinking and looking around. The woman—she couldn’t have been more than thirty—touched my head, feeling the slow drip of blood. By now a small crowd had gathered. I stood, rather drunkenly, asking what had happened. The crowd eyed the woman angrily as she supported me, my arm draped around her neck. She just patted my back, telling me I was fine—she called me sweetie and kissed my cheek, leading me towards a bench. I was really confused and tried to walk away, but I was still seeing stars. She sat me down and told me, which, to her, was synonymous with honey or sweetie, to wait a second. Finally the crowd started to go and I just touched my head gently. She came running back with paper towels and a cop. I don’t think she meant for the latter to follow her because she swore under her breath as she sat next to me, seeing him coming closer.

“Good morning, officer!” she said, a smile tying at her lips. I was really confused. “This was just an awful accident!” she claimed, laughing lightly and touching my cheek again. “My husband here, he tripped right as I pushed my cart back into the…cart thing.” A nervous laugh and then she looked at me, her eyes pleading softly. I could almost see her whisper please, begging me to play along. I just nodded, my head starting to pound. Though I might have confused it with my heart; that was going wild too. Especially as she wrapped her arm around mine.

The officer stared at us, almost bored. “Well, as long as everything’s fine….”

The woman just laughed, pressing the towels to my head again. “It’s just fine…embarrassing, really.” That laugh was starting to get annoying. Luckily, as soon as the cop turned, she stopped. She handed the towels to me, looking nervously for her groceries and asking again if I was all right. I nodded warily and she started to leave. But I grabbed her arm again.

“Wait—what was that?”

“Listen,” she said, her eyes no longer laughing, “I really am sorry but I’ve gotta get going. Do you want money? Did you know someone here—your wife can yell at me later; but I really have to go now!”

“Wife?” I asked, my head starting to scream, “No, uh—no. What; why did you—”

And then I feinted, but not before I heard her curse. She did that a lot.

When I woke up, I was in a car and just as confused as ever. The woman was still by me, her hands pounding nervously on her wheel. I blinked quickly, nearly freaking out. She just looked at me, and whispered “finally”.

“Where do you live—I’ll drop you off.”

I shook my head, saying I would rather just walk. She laughed, a more bitter one than at the store. “Yeah right. I’d probably get arrested if I let you just walk off. Getting you out of the store was hard enough. Just tell me where you live—I promise I won’t stalk you. You’re not really my type.” She smiled at her own joke. I didn’t.

“Who are you?” I asked, not arguing but still scared for my life.

“My name’s Carline. Who are you?”

“Supposedly I’m your husband or your sweetie or something—something I wasn’t aware of before this morning.” She smiled, but it wasn’t a joke.

“Sorry about that, I didn’t want to deal with that crowd or you. I needed to get somewhere. Now, even that is doubtful. Now where do you live?”

“Carline, was it? I guess you’re not from here because you chose the worst street to drive down at this time. And my car—where is my car?”

Suddenly she looked scared. “You drove?” she whispered.

“Yes I drove! I’m not that old; I can still drive!”

“That’s not what I meant…. I just, I wasn’t thinking, okay? Can everyone just calm down?” But she was the only one screaming. I stared, now officially scared she’d rip my throat out or murder me on the highway. So I told her my street address and she cursed again.

“You’ve got to be kidding. Of course—why not? I mean, why would I think this day could be any good?”

I remaindered silent, she didn’t mind. She just went on.

“My boyfriend lives in that building. No, sorry, that would be my ex. The jerk slept with some blonde bimbo who can’t be more than twelve years old—on my birthday. Which was yesterday, which he forgot. And so I go to tell him off and—boom—some chick in a hooker outfit was making out with him. Oh, I told him off then. He almost called the cops, I got so loud. What is it with me and attracting crap?”

I’m not sure if it was a rhetorical question, but I wouldn’t dare answer it. I just stared at her, realizing I was indeed stuck in the twilight zone. I had never been so uncomfortable in my life. But she kept going.

“Does the traffic ever stop?” she screamed, slamming her fists on the horn and getting flipped off multiple times. “My life is some sort of hell-hole right now and what do I do? I go and knock some senior on his butt and now have to drive him to my ex’s place! There is no good in today.”

“Senior?” I scoffed, “I might be old, but not that old! And how can you be talking—your ex couldn’t have strayed that far from where he started! What are you; thirteen?”

She stared at me, a sharp laugh falling. “Oh, so the man has an attitude? No, I am very much not thirteen. I guess it just comes off that way, cuz the only guys I can get aren’t past puberty! What about you? You go for the younger chicks too?”

I rolled my eyes, “No, trust me.”

She sighed, looking back into the frozen traffic. “So what’s your name again?”

“Richard.”

She snorted and I scowled. “What is it now?”

“Nothing—I just can’t believe you’re not a senior with that name. I hope you gave your parents crap about that one.”

I actually laughed, only because it was true. And I had.

“So, Richard, what’s your story?”

“Excuse me?”

“Come on—this is going to take forever and I just told you my entire life! It’s the least you can do; I am driving you home.”

“Only because you threw a cart at my head and kidnapped me!”

She rolled her eyes, “Oh, come on! Real mature thought process. I mean, I would not kidnap you—what a waste of energy.”

I smiled, still not believing I was stuck here. She threw herself on the horn again, oblivious to the curses thrown back at her. “Okay, shy guy, I’ll make this easy for you. Where were you born?”

I sighed, already tired of this game. “Here. I’ve lived here all my life.”

She looked at me, her green eyes dazzling with unbelief. “Holy freak. How can you even stand that? I’ve been everywhere. Can’t stick in one place for more than a year or two. Don’t you wanna see something else? Please tell me you do not live with your parents.”

I shook my head, “They died when I was a kid.”

“Well, okay then. That works.” She didn’t get all depressed or sympathetic. Most people do. But she just smiled and moved on.

“’Kay, how ‘bout work.”

I stuttered for a moment. “Oh, grow up! I’m swear I’m not going to stalk you, steal your identity, none of that. I’m just really bored.”

So I told her. I had a cubicle job at a big company uptown. She found that more disturbing than my hometown history. She started lecturing me on how no one should have to work like that. That a box was so confining, that I should quit and move to Tahiti or something. Then she turned on the radio—really loud. And really not classical.

She laughed at my face, saying I was worse than her dad. But she turned it down. A little.

“Well, it’s my turn. Carline—did you choose that or were your parents just on drugs when you were born.”

“Well, duh. You obviously know little about giving birth—the shot was the first thing my mom got. But no, actually, I chose the name. It’s my middle name—my parent’s let me choose it for my sixteenth birthday. My real name…that, you will never know.”

I stared, suddenly entranced by the way her smile made her eyes crinkle. But I was more intrigued by her name. “I have to know now! You can’t just build me up for such a cut-off, that’s not fair.”

She laughed, “Life’s not fair—didn’t your parents ever tell you that?”

“Dead; remember?” That wasn’t a sullen statement, just fact. Strangely enough, I was comfortable talking about it with her.

“ah, yes.” She smiled, “well, then I guess you’ll have to hear it from me.”

“You’re not old enough to be my mom.”

She scoffed, the laugh falling loudly and dryly. “Isn’t that the truth?”

I smiled, sitting straighter and touching my head gingerly. It still stung, but the blood was dry.

She glanced at me. “So, Mr. Richard of the cubicle and most pathetic life ever, what is it you like to do. And it better be interesting, cuz so far your life is anything but.”

My smile stopped and I started to think about my life; what I did for fun. There was really nothing. I’d never even gone bowling or ever played a sport. My dad had had a useless arm and had never thrown me a ball because of it. My mom hadn’t had time to put me in any classes or teams. All I had were my books, but I didn’t even really like those. When I was at home, I would eat or shower or read a little or watch some T.V. But there was nothing I would really call a hobby. And you know, I had never really thought about it before.

I told her this and her jaw just dropped. “What?” she nearly screamed, “You’ve never been bowling? What do you do here? I mean, you have to live here your whole life and you don’t even have a way to spend it? Richard, it is official, you are pathetic—way worse than my dad.”

“Is that an insult?” I laughed. But she didn’t.

“Yeah. A major one! My dad is the lamest guy ever. That is, he was, until you came along.”

I stared down, trying to smile, but finding it hard to. It was like my life was nothing and I just realized it. I realized that I hadn’t even been living, I had just been breathing.

“Oh, don’t go all depressive on me! You know what, no, we are going bowling.”

And suddenly she pushed her way through two lanes and took the exit. I didn’t even know where we were. But I was scared. She just mumbled under her breath about how pathetic I was. Then she pulled into the first bowling alley we saw and demanded me to get out. She mad me pay, saying she bet I made more than her and I needed it; she didn’t. So I paid for a lane, put on those awful shoes and picked up a ball. It was heavy. She just rolled her eyes, saying that if I couldn’t pick up a bowling ball, I might as well call myself a senior and get the discount.

Then she bowled, getting an easy ‘spare’. I went up, almost nervous. So she came over, stood by me and told me to just swing. That everyone is born knowing how to throw a ball. So I threw it and knocked them all down. I cheered, knowing that was good. She just looked at me, her eyes strangely jealous yet humored at the same time.

“Are you sure you’ve never played before?”

I just laughed, meandering back and sitting lazily. And, for the first time in a long time, I really, truly smiled. And it felt good.

Playing that game I realized just how much girls could talk. She just went on and on—about anything and everything. Which was understandable, since she seemed to know everything. She had been to every continent—except Antarctica—at least once. Had a boyfriend in each. She told me everything about her love life, how even in high school she could only get the scum. I mentioned she was rather pretty so it was understandable. She asked, with a laugh, what that’s supposed to mean. I told her guys were only brave enough to go for someone if it was a shallow sort of thing; they didn’t have to put anything into it yet they could get everything they wanted out of it. And most shallow guys only cared for the gorgeous girl.

She stared at me for a moment. I asked her why and she just shook her head, knocking another pin down and then sitting by me. “It’s just…weird. You could be my dad, but you’re still…young.”

I scoffed, almost embarrassed by it all. “I could not be your dad—I’m not that old.”

“Okay, but you’re like, what, pushing forty?”

“And you’re, what, pushing twenty?”

She laughed; a short, humored laugh that made me smile. “You wish. Let’s just say I’m pushing thirty.”

“And you’re not married.” I said; it wasn’t a question. And I quickly bowled before she answered.

“No. I’ve never really felt the need. I’ve tasted too much of life to just throw it away and settle.”

She blushed as I laughed, “What?”

“Nothing; it’s just, the way I’ve heard it, family is life.”

She rolled her eyes, standing to bowl but still talking, “No. Not in my eyes—you don’t know my family. I watched my mom and dad divorce, get married, and divorce again. I don’t think I’m the family type. But, Mr. Richard, what’s your excuse? First wife leave you for another man?”

“No. Never been married. I guess I just…never really looked for it. I don’t really…date. Besides, the only girls who go for me are twice divorced with three kids or absolutely drunk.”

Her laugh broke across the room as I went up to bowl. I got a gutter ball. “Huh? So, ‘sweetie’, which one do I fall in to?” It was a joke, but I didn’t laugh. I just bowled and willed my heart to slow down. Suddenly she was standing by me, offering a high-five as I got a spare. “We live in a weird world, huh? Nothing really goes like it should.”

“And how is that?” I asked, staring into her eyes. They seemed to darken, but they still looked beautiful.

“I mean, we’re good people; we’re nice—nice looking—and everything. So why aren’t we settled or at least…pro’s at this love thing? People look at me and think it’s my fault life won’t work out for me. Like all those people who saw me push the cart at you; I get those looks every day someone finds out I didn’t go to church, or every week that a ring remains off the finger. You know, it makes me sick. Life’s not all fairy-tales, but people—even ones stuck in crap—think it is. And they get mad when I don’t reach it. Life is just life, you know. It’s not like I need these…judgements to realize I’m missing out on something. But is it my entire fault? Like, really?”

She was no longer bowling. She was just sitting, holding her soda and looking through me. I slowly sat next to her, a sort of relief flooding over me—I wasn’t the only one. It was a sort of connection; we both had different stories, but the same results.

“Yes, I know what that’s like. But still, you can’t be disappointed in your life. You’ve tasted things most people only dream of. You even said you don’t want to settle.”

She looked over at me, her eyes mischievous. This is when I found out how confusing girls can be. “Yeah but, I can’t say I really meant it. I mean…there’s always been that pull for something more. I just don’t wanna admit it. Cuz life can be a total bag of manure sometimes, you know?”

I slowly started to nod my head, then started to shake it. I really was confused. She laughed, her solemn look finally shed.

“I get that a lot.” She smiled at me, her knees pulled up under her chin. She truly was beautiful. And it was then I knew what it felt like to have your heart collide with your chest. I knew what it was like to have emotions crash with your thoughts.

I wanted nothing but to get the chance to hold Carline—a woman I had known for less than twenty four hours; a woman who was probably ten years my junior; a woman who looked at me as a father figure; a woman who’d just broken up with a boyfriend. And then I was mad. Mad at me, at her, at the day. I wasn’t supposed to be here. It was grocery day. I was supposed to be home, starting dinner and thinking about work. I probably would have turned on the T.V. and then picked up some random book. I would have gone to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, looking for grey hairs. Instead, I was out bowling with a beautiful girl who had previously given me a concussion. And, in the few hours I’d known her, my world had been flipped upside down. I didn’t want to go back to breathing—I found I liked living.

I stood up, took a bowling ball, and threw it into the lane, getting to hear the solid sound of the ball colliding with all ten pins. She was by me again, a sort of stunned yet humored expression across her face.

“Thanks, Richard. But just because you happen to be an absolute pro at this game, doesn’t mean I want you to bowl for me.”

I blushed, keeping my eyes away from her face, desperate to remain a man. I knew exactly what she’d do if I fell to my impulses—I would probably do the same if I were her. So I sat back down without a word. And she followed.

She ordered a pizza, saying she was absolutely starved. I told hr I was quite the cook. She laughed and said it was nothing she hadn’t heard before—that guys always used that line to get her to come over but it would always turn out to be take-out. I assured her I was totally serious and she just winked, saying she’d have to come over sometime and see. But then she told me the different types of food she had tasted. Said caviar was vile, but she’d eat roasted squid any day. I told her that was disgusting. She laughed. As the pizza came, she went on about her Italian adventures. How true Italian pizza was nothing like the American version. I told her about pizza my mom used to make; with macaroni and cheese, canned tomatoes and peppers. She thought that sounded worse than anything. But it’s actually pretty good. She said I’d have to make it for her sometime.

The mood went somber. Both of us seemed nervous to speak. She finally rolled her eyes. “Yes, I said it. Geez. It’s not like we have to get married! I just want to try a mac and cheese pizza—is that such a crime?”

I laughed, nearly choking on my food as her face reddened. She smiled too, saying I was such a kid—that she’d baby-sat more mature boys than me. I just smiled, quickly asking where she lived now—if she had reached the two year limit.

She smiled, staring at me for a second too long to be comfortable. “Yeah, actually. I lived by my boyfriend for almost a year. Too long. I actually have a ticket to Austin, Texas—tomorrow morning.”

“Texas?” I said, trying desperately to hold myself together. She looked down.

“Uh-huh. I got a job.”

“What do you even do?” My voice cracked and she laughed—another one of those mesmerizing laughs.

“Anything and everything. This is a graphic designer position.”

“How do you even live like this? All this moving and going and stuff?” It could have been nosey, but she didn’t care.

“When you really want something, you go for it.” Her glance lingered—I’m sure she noticed mine too. “And, since I can’t seem to decide what I want, I go for a lot.”

I just nodded. That’s when a worker came over and told us they were closing—it was eleven o’clock. We were both surprised. Carline quickly asked how much that would cost. The guy just shrugged, saying it had been a slow day and we’d gotten through with just one payment—no biggie. So we quickly left, thanking them and leaving a quick tip. Not to mention half a pizza. But I don’t think they really wanted that.

We got in her car and started off; it was silent. But not awkward. We just both seemed to be thinking. All I could think of was the day—her laugh and how random everything had. How absolutely abnormal it was to me, but how it felt just like it should. I thought about how, when she smiled, a wrinkle would appear just by her left eye. Her bangs, just growing out, always managed to slip from behind her ear and slide onto her face. There was the way her foot swiveled when she stood still for too long. Or how she cheered when she hit a strike. And her eyes—just how green they were. And I thought about what she had said; how her philosophy on life was so different than mine. How…opposite she was from me, but how much I longed to be her. “When you really want something, you go for it.”

I looked at her, my mouth suddenly dry. She was humming along to the music, her head bobbing as her hands set the beat on the wheel. She seemed oblivious to me. But then she smiled.

“What you looking at so intently; you have some radio station you’re dying to hear—maybe the classical channel? Or some talk shows?”

It wasn’t rude and I smiled, quickly saying no and looking out the window. The traffic was gone and the night was dark.

“So, where’s it gonna be? Your house or your car?”

“Excuse me?” I said, shocked and almost scared. No matter how much my heart pounded when I was by her, that still seemed a little too…quick. Not to mention wrong—in a lot of ways.

She looked at me and then burst into laughter—a loud, totally happy laugh. “I mean, where do you want to be dropped off! Man, Rich, somebody’s mind is in the gutter!”

I smiled, blushing horribly and mumbling about how I was just thinking and that it had come out wrong. I told her my car would probably be best, and closest. She mentioned something about how that also meant she couldn’t stalk me. But I was only half listening. She had called me rich. Nobody had ever called me Rich before—nobody had ever called me anything but Richard. But I liked it.

Too soon, we were at the grocery store. It was easy enough to find my car; it was one of the last there. She laughed when she saw it; calling me a total geek. But it wasn’t rude. It was just Carline, and I was starting to like that. She parked, and I didn’t know what to do. Part of me wanted to say so much and the other just wanted to hide. Finally she smiled, and said it had been fun—way more fun than hanging out with her dad. I laughed, thanking her. The doors were still locked, but I didn’t want to tell her.

“Can-can I have your number?” I asked, quickly adding the fact that I needed to arrange a time to make mac and cheese pizza. She smiled, not even blushing or fidgeting. She just gave it to me and then unlocked the doors, almost as if she had been waiting. Then I got out and started to my car. But she called me back.

“Rich,” she said, leaning her head towards my opened door, “sorry ‘bout that…collision…with the grocery cart.”

“Don’t be,” I smiled, “I’m not.”

She smiled too, sort of biting her lip and then sitting back. But she popped back out again.

“Oh, and rich, you really don’t look forty. You’re cuter than my ex boyfriend…not that that’s saying much.” She laughed at her joke, giving me a double honk and yelling something about ‘sweetie’ as she drove off. I just laughed, getting in my car and willing myself to remember how to breathe. I didn’t dare turn on the car; I felt drunk. I just watched her pull out and get back on the freeway. It hurt; watching her go. All I could think of was what she had said—how you should go for the things you want. But everything I’d ever known told me it was ridiculous; that it could never and would never work out. So I just drove back to my apartment and went to bed. And, for the first time in my life, I didn’t brush my teeth. And it felt strangely good.

But I woke up with a headache; a huge, pulsing headache. And at first I thought it had all been a dream. But the taste of pizza still hung on my breath and my phone was lying on the counter, her number still in it. I reached for it, wanting to call. That’s when I remembered she was leaving—to Texas. I went in the bathroom and, after getting ready, just stared at myself, but not because of the threat of grey hairs. Rather because I felt like, if she went, living would leave to. It was as if my entire life was built up into that yesterday. As if all I had to live for was about to get on a plane and leave—live a life she wanted. And it was then when I realized just how desperation could change a man.

I pulled my phone and called her, needing to tell her—everything. But I got her voicemail. “Hey, this is Carline. I’m probably too busy living to answer; sorry. But I guess you can leave a message—“ a laugh, “and maybe I’ll get back to you…if you’re in range.”

So I did something more desperate. I grabbed my keys, jumped in my car and sped off to the airport. I didn’t even know when she was leaving. But I knew I had to find out. I laid on my horn, willing the traffic to disappear. For the first time, I was flipped off. But I didn’t care. I kept calling, willing her to answer, though I had no idea what she’d say. Probably file a restraining order.

It took me an hour to get to the airport and then I had no idea what to do.

I went up to the desk, asking if they could tell me what flight Carline was getting on. They said they could not, especially if I didn’t have a last name. I wanted to swear, but instead I just begged. I told them my life relied on this girl; that I had to find her. They didn’t buy it. Told me to move on—from the ticket booth and the girl. So I walked away, my eyes pathetically filling with tears. More because my head was killing me than anything, but still. I was crying. I just fell on a seat, letting my head fall between my knees. The incessant clatter of heels on tiles taunted me. Children seemed to scream just as they passed me. Adults would yell at spouses or children top hurry up or slow down—right by ear. The whole world seemed to be out to get me; my head was a circus and I couldn’t focus. But suddenly, I felt a hand on my head.

“Here sweetie, let me help you.”

I choked; the voice was too sweet—too perfect. It was as if all my hopes and dreams were in that voice and I didn’t dare look. But I did. My tears were still dripping down my cheek and my head was still pounding. But a sort of peace came over it when I heard her laugh. And then I saw those eyes. She was kneeling on the ground before me, her pencil skirt just touching the floor. Her hair was swept back in a ponytail and she smiled sadly at me.

“What’s a matter—someone would think little rich had his money taken by the playground bully.” Her laugh collided with her own joke and I smiled, letting her hands grasp my head.

“You did this to me.”

“Well, that’s real romantic.” She said, still on the ground.

“No, I mean my headache. It’s been pounding since you tried to kill me with a grocery cart.”

She sighed, a sort of laugh lacing it. “Now that is even less romantic.”

I laughed, but suddenly I went serious. “Carline—“

“It’s Jemima.” She whispered, a coy smile playing at her lip. And I laughed. Right then, I knew I could do what I had to. So I did.

Jemima Carline, I have to tell you something. Because right now, I just can’t breathe.”

She just nodded, her eyes wide and innocent.

“You have totally changed me. I was a senior till you ran me over and kidnapped me and…all that. I woke up and—I just can’t live without you. I know this sounds ridiculous. I hardly know you. I could be a crazy rapist drug banger…and visa versa. But I want to try. I wanna try. To Live, to settle. And I want to try it with you. I—I’ve never done this before, but if what I’m feeling isn’t love, I don’t need love. Cuz this is good enough. You, carline, have stolen my heart—within hours of knowing it. You taught me to go for what I want and I want you.”

She didn’t laugh, she didn’t cry, but she smiled. And it was beautiful. She stood slowly, her hands slipping into mine. “Well, rich, looks like we have something in common.”

And then she sat on my lap, looked into my eyes and laughed. And then we kissed. And that was the greatest collision I have ever felt. It was the greatest collision I had ever tasted. The world seemed to spin and it was just her and me. For a moment we parted and she whispered in my ear, “I hope you know that go for it stuff was crap—I made it up, just to get this.” Then she kissed me again. I could almost feel her laugh. We were soon absorbed and passion collided with humor, chance collided with reason, we collided with each other. And even as the call for final borders to Austin rang out, we still remained. My head still pound, but not as hard as my heart.

My crash course in collision taught me two things: there are two sorts of collision. One, considered bad. Two, absolutely delicious. But, isn’t it interesting; one can lead to another and both share a same sort of consequence. They both leave you breathless—simply and completely breathless. And that is why I pray for them; every day. Because, if you let them, they always remind you to live. Always.