The End Meets the Beginning June 16, 2009

My room is a mess. Catastrophic, really. It usually is. But this is a different sort. Because I’m leaving. Moving away. Going forward, but always looking back. Maybe that’s wrong–looking back. I’m sure someone wants to turn his nose up, tell me to look to the future; to realize I have a whole world at my feet. And I do, I know that. But I can’t help but glance back. Especially now.

This very friday I am going away to college. Not that far–just an hour, less when my brother is driving. But I’ve been working this week at packing up my room. Which is, I’ve realized, just like packing up my life. How can one ever decide what to bring, what to leave? I don’t want to give anything up. These eighteen years have made everything in my room a part of me. And I want to take it all with me. The coloring books, the legos, the porcelain dolls, old diaries, my baby blanket, my un-scrapbooked photos, the cheaply-created scrapbooks, neon green nailpolish I haven’t used since I was twelve. I want to take it all. But I can’t. Not only is my dorm the size of my bathroom and therefore far beyond unable to hold ALL the life of Shelby Boyer. But I shouldn’t bring it all. This is the end. Morbid, I know. But not really. It’s kind of hopeful. Because an end is only a sad way of saying a beginning. And I don’t think there’s any other way of explaining what I am doing (or why my bedroom looks like a tsunami came and pulled up the carpet). This is a beginning–my beginning. So why am I so desperate to hold to the end?

For a long time now I’ve been holding a one-way ticket to Neverland. I talked about going, I thought about it, I’ve even prayed about it. But I’ve never been able to step away. Because I realized I like growing up. I want to grow up. But I don’t want to let go. Not ever. Peter Pan can have his pirates and his lost boys and mean mermaids. I’m going to stick with that step into the unknown. I’m going to let go of my mommies hand and go to that first day of school without screaming and crying. I’m going to figure out how to cook and clean and get going without my parent’s help. I’m going to dream about tomorrow–boys, parties, degrees, apartments–but, I promise you this, I’m never going to forget that moment where the end meets the beginning. Now, here, with my room a disaster and the memories creating a traffic jam in my brain, I’m going to hold to this. This serendipitous point in time where you have your hand on the door but you can’t help but look back a bit. I look at those journals and scrapbooks and blankets and pictures and I remember. I remember how my dad used to let me climb on his feet and he’d walk me around the kitchen. I remember when mom and I played with baking soda in the kitchen and Travis and I went back to make even bigger explosions. I remember the fights I had with my friends when dances and boys were supposedly more important than each other. I remember plotting out the best surprise party ever and seeing her face when we were all there, waiting. I remember my driving test when I accidentally changed lanes over the white line and I thought the world was over. I remember opening my email and seeing that “You have been accepted” phrase beaming up at me. I remember the night after graduation, lying in bed, holding to my raggedy baby blanket and just crying because, too soon, I would be here, saying goodbye. But then, even as I remember, I put it down. That blanket is staying. Those pictures are still in the box, gathering dust on my closet shelf. I have packed my journals but only so they don’t burn up in a fire I’m scared will take my house by storm as soon as I leave them.

I’m glad for the memories. But I’m even more glad for the chance to make new ones. This is the end. But I’d like to see it as a beginning. I mean, that way my disturbingly dirty room isn’t such a bad thing. When my mom comes in, angry about the mess, I can gently remind her that I have more important things to worry about. Like putting that Neverland ticket through the shredder. There’s no way I’m going now.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 15 May 15, 2008

By Monday I was smiling again; life seemed a bit brighter. Cadence seemed relieved my random-emotional-over-kill moments were over. So was I. And school seemed good and nearly normal. I was used to it—most of it—now. Except the food. I don’t think anyone could ever get used to that.

I actually backed off Jason a bit. Not in a bad way, though. We were still together. In fact, we were number one on the Best Valentine’s Ever list. Someone had posted a picture of me sobbing as he had handed me the roses. That sort of made me cringe, because I remembered why I had been crying. But it was still sweet. And Jason looked good. We both seemed better. He had given me a ride and not mentioned anything about what we had talked about. Surprisingly, that just added pressure to my obligation to talk to Todd. Which turned out to be an awful experience—no surprise. But I’m getting ahead of myself. And that was probably the understatement of the year.

I was walking to my next class alone and I saw him—alone. He caught my eye and with a bug-eyed sigh, spun around and started walking the other way. That made me agitated and I ran to his side, determined to get it over with.

“Todd,” I said, coming to a slow stop, “We have to talk.”

He scowled at me, looking ready to bite. “About what, Brooke? Your point was clear—and I’ll have you know my jaw was bruised because of it.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s exactly it—why don’t you just grow up?”

He barked a short laugh. “Yeah, look who’s talking? You are such a friggin’ hypocrite, you know that?”

I stared at him, my jaw dropping. “Excuse me? All I said was that we need to talk; not get in some screaming fight.”

“Well, see if I care about your shallow antics! You think cuz you come and say ‘we have to talk’ that makes you the mature one?”

“Mature—you think you are mature? Like, serious?”

“’Like, serious?’” He mimicked, staring icily at me, “You know what Brooke, how ‘bout you go stick your tongue down my brothers throat and get out of my life?”

I stared, an angry laugh slipping into my words, “Now that is real maturity.”

“Do you really think I care? You think you’ve changed; that because you had your perfect life ripped away from you, you are a new person. You’re not. You are the same snotty bimbo who—”

“How can you even stand there and act as if you know me! You don’t—never will. Todd—just leave me alone and GROW UP.” I spun around, giving up and desperate to get to class; to get away. But he made me turn around.

“There you go again; pretending you’re queen of the world! You’re just this Manhattan prep who’s going for Jason because of his money, his style; even his so-called ‘drive’! You are nothing more than a teenage gold digger.”

That was too much. I shoved him back a step, silencing him immediately. “Don’t you dare accuse me! I am no gold digger.”

“Oh yeah?” he screamed, coming back a step closer, “Then what’s his middle name? How about his favorite color? Do you even know what things he likes to do—I mean, except making out with you.”

“You jealous?” I bit, getting in his face, “Todd, I know Jason. So why don’t you save face and shut up.”

He laughed, still screaming, “If what you know of Jason is considered knowing people, no wonder you have such a shallow existence! I bet you couldn’t list five things about him; what he likes or wants. Yeah—you know he’s going to college, you know he’s hot. But you don’t know him.”

Suddenly I was no longer bold. A growing crowd was surrounding us and I just realized it. My cheeks flushed; I was red and steaming. “That’s not true.” I whispered, willing it all to go away. But Todd wasn’t done.

“No, but its okay; he’s doesn’t know you either.” His words were quieter too, but they still cut at me. And I started to cry; silent, hot tears that made my skin flush more. The silence from the crowd was almost deafening. But not as much as Todd’s quiet accusations.

“You two…you don’t care. You just take. He can’t even say he knows you; listens to you—sees you. You guys just use each other. And I guess that works for you, but, just know, there’s nothing there. And one day that’s gonna hurt.”

“Who do you even think you are?” The words were slow and deep. I was angry. “You think you know me better—Jason told me about you; how you don’t even have your own life! And now you’re telling me that you know more about mine than he does; than I do?”

His eyes fell to the floor. I was fuming, my breaths short and tight. I hoped it was over, that I could turn and run; but he spoke. And it hurt.

“Well, I know he can’t see how beautiful you are. No, he see’s the colors and shapes. But he doesn’t know how, when you’re bored, you start to play with the tips of your hair. He doesn’t see that there’s a face you make for every kind of emotion. Your eyebrows sink just to the left when you’re thinking. And, when you smile, your nose sort of crinkles. There’s a dimple on your right cheek that only shows up when you bite your lip. And I know how you like it when your hair falls across your eyes—it means you can finally breathe; you don’t have to put on a face for everyone.” Every word made me blush. It was making me sick. He didn’t even seem to notice. I don’t think he knew there was a crowd around us. His eyes were on me and me alone.

“I know that you want to be held close—even in a dance. You—you look great in teal; it’s your favorite color. I know you’d rather have PB and J’s than caviar or…quail. You want to be more than a rich snob; you want to get out of this stereotype of fashion and…snootiness! You want to go to prom! You wanna climb a tree—wear jeans that cost less than a three digit number. There’s something in your eyes that tells—everyone—that you want to be you; not the rich girl from Manhattan.”

Now I was tired and officially pissed off. “You are a jerk. A total, bitter jerk who thinks he knows everything. But you don’t. And you just proved it.” My voice started to rise; my stance straightened and I was ready to punch something. Preferably him. “How can you think that, for one second, I would ever want to be with someone who thinks he knows me better than I do? I would never want you; you’re just a little boy making guess work about me. You don’t know me. You, Todd, are an absolute as—”

“What’s going on here?”

It was the principal. He pushed himself through the crowd and into the circle where Todd and I stood. People started to talk and the choking silence around us finally stopped. I could breathe. But then Jason pushed his way through, right next to the principal. His eyes were wide and not at all humored.

“Yeah—what is this, Todd?” His voice was almost malicious. And Todd suddenly looked sheepish.

“I—we…were just…talking.” He stuttered, not daring to look anywhere in particular. I snorted, hot tears still falling down my face. Jason wrapped his arms around me and the principal stared sternly about.

“Todd, you just need to grow up.” Jason said, his voice bringing the silence back.

Todd laughed; it was almost a cruel laugh. “Yeah—I’ve heard that a lot today—”

“That’s because you do. I can’t believe…just…go to hell.”

The principal raised his hands to calm the crowd. Even Todd seemed close to tears. But then it turned ugly. His eyes got venomous and he nearly spat at us.

“Oh, just take your whore and have a happy life.”
Those words by themselves would have been shocking enough, but what happened next blew it overboard.

Jason’s arm was suddenly no longer around my shoulders. In a split second, his fist was thrown forcefully into Todd’s face and he was knocked to the ground. Then the principal was grabbing Jason and holding him back, shoving him into the wall of people that now started freaking out. Todd tried to stand, his hand covering his mouth where blood sputtered out.

Chaos ricocheted through the crowd—people were talking, some were laughing, the principal was yelling at everyone and more teachers showed up; half of them wondering where their students were and the other were curious as to what the noise was. One of the teachers helped Todd up, pulling him to the nurses. Jason was carted off by the principal and the crowd was told to get to class. I just stood, more surprised than anyone. I couldn’t move.

Eventually someone told me to get to class—I don’t remember who. But I wasn’t there for long. Soon I got a note calling me to the principal’s. I was surprised to see a cop; they asked me to tell them what had happened. I didn’t really want to. I avoided the topic of conversation and just explained that we had gotten in a fight. They told me I had to go home; that I was suspended for the rest of the day. Some bull crap about how I had impeded on the education and peace of the school. I was forced to call Cadence; some sort of try at an emotional punishment. But I didn’t really care. Home sounded good to me. So Cadence came—I did feel bad though; she had to leave work—and I left. I didn’t know where Jason was or what his punishment was. But I didn’t really care. I still just wanted to disappear. Cadence wouldn’t let me. She asked what had happened and I knew I had to tell her. It took me so long, we were sitting in the garage for a while. And afterwards she just looked at me and then she whistled. Made a joke about how my life was a soap opera. I didn’t find it funny. She got that and let me get out and go inside. But first she told me I would have to make dinner; that she had to work late because of me. I didn’t really mind. I just went inside and lied down, desperate to forget it all.

Collision May 12, 2008

Collision; there are two sorts of it—one more popular than the other. There’s the violent, painful one—the reason it’s so misunderstood. The collision where car meets person, where flame meets oxygen, where rams butt heads. But then there’s a good sort of collision. Imagine life without fireworks or cannonball dives. Those are collisions. Or there’s the magic that comes with the splitting sound of a bat meeting a baseball. There is the collision of oil and potato’s—nothing like some French fries to make you smile. But people don’t think of that as a collision—people pray to never taste collision. I was one of those. For a while.

I was a bachelor; 37 years and still aging. I can’t say I was suave or debonair. Because I wasn’t. I lived in my bachelor pad, I began to bald and wrinkle and grow width-wise. And for the most part, I was okay with it. Or at least used to it. I was an orphan—I had already seen a lot of the bad sort of collision. I was a twin; he had died at seven. But that’s another story in itself; I won’t go there. My parents collided with a semi when I was seventeen. My mom had just unbuckled her seatbelt to get a drink I had refused to—I had been mad at them. The last words I spoke to them—right before the collision—were “You guys can never understand—you don’t even have a life”. I can remember my dad cursing right before, telling me to shut up. And the semi had spun into oncoming traffic and our car had flipped; colliding with a barrier. I can still remember the sound my mom’s neck had made when it collided with the hood. I got a bit bitter, but eventually got over it. Well, came to accept it. I even went to church for a while, but I don’t think I was ever the same. And maybe that’s a good thing. In any case, I was alone and I was fine with that.

I had never been part of the in-crowd. As a young adult, I was attractive. But I was a geek. And that was a turn off to most. I’d get those flirting eyes from girls but as soon as they saw the pen in the pocket, they just started laughing and pointing. But that didn’t really matter to me; I didn’t like any of them. But I don’t really remember why; I can’t figure out why I don’t mind being reclusive or why I never bothered to date or…anything. I mean, I wasn’t one of those super geniuses—I didn’t start my own company or make billions. But, on the other hand, I also wasn’t working at some video game store or selling sci-fi books. I was comfortable, but I wasn’t living. And a collision made me see that—a good one…though it started out a little rough.

It was grocery time and I went to the store, going in for nothing more than green beans and chicken. I went to get a cart, bent down to pick up a piece of trash and suddenly I was lying on the ground, a cart slowly stopping by my head. I heard a curse and then I sort of zoned out—but not completely. A brunette kneeled down, freaking out and asking if everything was fine. She mumbled on about how she hadn’t seen me. Finally I sat up, blinking and looking around. The woman—she couldn’t have been more than thirty—touched my head, feeling the slow drip of blood. By now a small crowd had gathered. I stood, rather drunkenly, asking what had happened. The crowd eyed the woman angrily as she supported me, my arm draped around her neck. She just patted my back, telling me I was fine—she called me sweetie and kissed my cheek, leading me towards a bench. I was really confused and tried to walk away, but I was still seeing stars. She sat me down and told me, which, to her, was synonymous with honey or sweetie, to wait a second. Finally the crowd started to go and I just touched my head gently. She came running back with paper towels and a cop. I don’t think she meant for the latter to follow her because she swore under her breath as she sat next to me, seeing him coming closer.

“Good morning, officer!” she said, a smile tying at her lips. I was really confused. “This was just an awful accident!” she claimed, laughing lightly and touching my cheek again. “My husband here, he tripped right as I pushed my cart back into the…cart thing.” A nervous laugh and then she looked at me, her eyes pleading softly. I could almost see her whisper please, begging me to play along. I just nodded, my head starting to pound. Though I might have confused it with my heart; that was going wild too. Especially as she wrapped her arm around mine.

The officer stared at us, almost bored. “Well, as long as everything’s fine….”

The woman just laughed, pressing the towels to my head again. “It’s just fine…embarrassing, really.” That laugh was starting to get annoying. Luckily, as soon as the cop turned, she stopped. She handed the towels to me, looking nervously for her groceries and asking again if I was all right. I nodded warily and she started to leave. But I grabbed her arm again.

“Wait—what was that?”

“Listen,” she said, her eyes no longer laughing, “I really am sorry but I’ve gotta get going. Do you want money? Did you know someone here—your wife can yell at me later; but I really have to go now!”

“Wife?” I asked, my head starting to scream, “No, uh—no. What; why did you—”

And then I feinted, but not before I heard her curse. She did that a lot.

When I woke up, I was in a car and just as confused as ever. The woman was still by me, her hands pounding nervously on her wheel. I blinked quickly, nearly freaking out. She just looked at me, and whispered “finally”.

“Where do you live—I’ll drop you off.”

I shook my head, saying I would rather just walk. She laughed, a more bitter one than at the store. “Yeah right. I’d probably get arrested if I let you just walk off. Getting you out of the store was hard enough. Just tell me where you live—I promise I won’t stalk you. You’re not really my type.” She smiled at her own joke. I didn’t.

“Who are you?” I asked, not arguing but still scared for my life.

“My name’s Carline. Who are you?”

“Supposedly I’m your husband or your sweetie or something—something I wasn’t aware of before this morning.” She smiled, but it wasn’t a joke.

“Sorry about that, I didn’t want to deal with that crowd or you. I needed to get somewhere. Now, even that is doubtful. Now where do you live?”

“Carline, was it? I guess you’re not from here because you chose the worst street to drive down at this time. And my car—where is my car?”

Suddenly she looked scared. “You drove?” she whispered.

“Yes I drove! I’m not that old; I can still drive!”

“That’s not what I meant…. I just, I wasn’t thinking, okay? Can everyone just calm down?” But she was the only one screaming. I stared, now officially scared she’d rip my throat out or murder me on the highway. So I told her my street address and she cursed again.

“You’ve got to be kidding. Of course—why not? I mean, why would I think this day could be any good?”

I remaindered silent, she didn’t mind. She just went on.

“My boyfriend lives in that building. No, sorry, that would be my ex. The jerk slept with some blonde bimbo who can’t be more than twelve years old—on my birthday. Which was yesterday, which he forgot. And so I go to tell him off and—boom—some chick in a hooker outfit was making out with him. Oh, I told him off then. He almost called the cops, I got so loud. What is it with me and attracting crap?”

I’m not sure if it was a rhetorical question, but I wouldn’t dare answer it. I just stared at her, realizing I was indeed stuck in the twilight zone. I had never been so uncomfortable in my life. But she kept going.

“Does the traffic ever stop?” she screamed, slamming her fists on the horn and getting flipped off multiple times. “My life is some sort of hell-hole right now and what do I do? I go and knock some senior on his butt and now have to drive him to my ex’s place! There is no good in today.”

“Senior?” I scoffed, “I might be old, but not that old! And how can you be talking—your ex couldn’t have strayed that far from where he started! What are you; thirteen?”

She stared at me, a sharp laugh falling. “Oh, so the man has an attitude? No, I am very much not thirteen. I guess it just comes off that way, cuz the only guys I can get aren’t past puberty! What about you? You go for the younger chicks too?”

I rolled my eyes, “No, trust me.”

She sighed, looking back into the frozen traffic. “So what’s your name again?”

“Richard.”

She snorted and I scowled. “What is it now?”

“Nothing—I just can’t believe you’re not a senior with that name. I hope you gave your parents crap about that one.”

I actually laughed, only because it was true. And I had.

“So, Richard, what’s your story?”

“Excuse me?”

“Come on—this is going to take forever and I just told you my entire life! It’s the least you can do; I am driving you home.”

“Only because you threw a cart at my head and kidnapped me!”

She rolled her eyes, “Oh, come on! Real mature thought process. I mean, I would not kidnap you—what a waste of energy.”

I smiled, still not believing I was stuck here. She threw herself on the horn again, oblivious to the curses thrown back at her. “Okay, shy guy, I’ll make this easy for you. Where were you born?”

I sighed, already tired of this game. “Here. I’ve lived here all my life.”

She looked at me, her green eyes dazzling with unbelief. “Holy freak. How can you even stand that? I’ve been everywhere. Can’t stick in one place for more than a year or two. Don’t you wanna see something else? Please tell me you do not live with your parents.”

I shook my head, “They died when I was a kid.”

“Well, okay then. That works.” She didn’t get all depressed or sympathetic. Most people do. But she just smiled and moved on.

“’Kay, how ‘bout work.”

I stuttered for a moment. “Oh, grow up! I’m swear I’m not going to stalk you, steal your identity, none of that. I’m just really bored.”

So I told her. I had a cubicle job at a big company uptown. She found that more disturbing than my hometown history. She started lecturing me on how no one should have to work like that. That a box was so confining, that I should quit and move to Tahiti or something. Then she turned on the radio—really loud. And really not classical.

She laughed at my face, saying I was worse than her dad. But she turned it down. A little.

“Well, it’s my turn. Carline—did you choose that or were your parents just on drugs when you were born.”

“Well, duh. You obviously know little about giving birth—the shot was the first thing my mom got. But no, actually, I chose the name. It’s my middle name—my parent’s let me choose it for my sixteenth birthday. My real name…that, you will never know.”

I stared, suddenly entranced by the way her smile made her eyes crinkle. But I was more intrigued by her name. “I have to know now! You can’t just build me up for such a cut-off, that’s not fair.”

She laughed, “Life’s not fair—didn’t your parents ever tell you that?”

“Dead; remember?” That wasn’t a sullen statement, just fact. Strangely enough, I was comfortable talking about it with her.

“ah, yes.” She smiled, “well, then I guess you’ll have to hear it from me.”

“You’re not old enough to be my mom.”

She scoffed, the laugh falling loudly and dryly. “Isn’t that the truth?”

I smiled, sitting straighter and touching my head gingerly. It still stung, but the blood was dry.

She glanced at me. “So, Mr. Richard of the cubicle and most pathetic life ever, what is it you like to do. And it better be interesting, cuz so far your life is anything but.”

My smile stopped and I started to think about my life; what I did for fun. There was really nothing. I’d never even gone bowling or ever played a sport. My dad had had a useless arm and had never thrown me a ball because of it. My mom hadn’t had time to put me in any classes or teams. All I had were my books, but I didn’t even really like those. When I was at home, I would eat or shower or read a little or watch some T.V. But there was nothing I would really call a hobby. And you know, I had never really thought about it before.

I told her this and her jaw just dropped. “What?” she nearly screamed, “You’ve never been bowling? What do you do here? I mean, you have to live here your whole life and you don’t even have a way to spend it? Richard, it is official, you are pathetic—way worse than my dad.”

“Is that an insult?” I laughed. But she didn’t.

“Yeah. A major one! My dad is the lamest guy ever. That is, he was, until you came along.”

I stared down, trying to smile, but finding it hard to. It was like my life was nothing and I just realized it. I realized that I hadn’t even been living, I had just been breathing.

“Oh, don’t go all depressive on me! You know what, no, we are going bowling.”

And suddenly she pushed her way through two lanes and took the exit. I didn’t even know where we were. But I was scared. She just mumbled under her breath about how pathetic I was. Then she pulled into the first bowling alley we saw and demanded me to get out. She mad me pay, saying she bet I made more than her and I needed it; she didn’t. So I paid for a lane, put on those awful shoes and picked up a ball. It was heavy. She just rolled her eyes, saying that if I couldn’t pick up a bowling ball, I might as well call myself a senior and get the discount.

Then she bowled, getting an easy ‘spare’. I went up, almost nervous. So she came over, stood by me and told me to just swing. That everyone is born knowing how to throw a ball. So I threw it and knocked them all down. I cheered, knowing that was good. She just looked at me, her eyes strangely jealous yet humored at the same time.

“Are you sure you’ve never played before?”

I just laughed, meandering back and sitting lazily. And, for the first time in a long time, I really, truly smiled. And it felt good.

Playing that game I realized just how much girls could talk. She just went on and on—about anything and everything. Which was understandable, since she seemed to know everything. She had been to every continent—except Antarctica—at least once. Had a boyfriend in each. She told me everything about her love life, how even in high school she could only get the scum. I mentioned she was rather pretty so it was understandable. She asked, with a laugh, what that’s supposed to mean. I told her guys were only brave enough to go for someone if it was a shallow sort of thing; they didn’t have to put anything into it yet they could get everything they wanted out of it. And most shallow guys only cared for the gorgeous girl.

She stared at me for a moment. I asked her why and she just shook her head, knocking another pin down and then sitting by me. “It’s just…weird. You could be my dad, but you’re still…young.”

I scoffed, almost embarrassed by it all. “I could not be your dad—I’m not that old.”

“Okay, but you’re like, what, pushing forty?”

“And you’re, what, pushing twenty?”

She laughed; a short, humored laugh that made me smile. “You wish. Let’s just say I’m pushing thirty.”

“And you’re not married.” I said; it wasn’t a question. And I quickly bowled before she answered.

“No. I’ve never really felt the need. I’ve tasted too much of life to just throw it away and settle.”

She blushed as I laughed, “What?”

“Nothing; it’s just, the way I’ve heard it, family is life.”

She rolled her eyes, standing to bowl but still talking, “No. Not in my eyes—you don’t know my family. I watched my mom and dad divorce, get married, and divorce again. I don’t think I’m the family type. But, Mr. Richard, what’s your excuse? First wife leave you for another man?”

“No. Never been married. I guess I just…never really looked for it. I don’t really…date. Besides, the only girls who go for me are twice divorced with three kids or absolutely drunk.”

Her laugh broke across the room as I went up to bowl. I got a gutter ball. “Huh? So, ‘sweetie’, which one do I fall in to?” It was a joke, but I didn’t laugh. I just bowled and willed my heart to slow down. Suddenly she was standing by me, offering a high-five as I got a spare. “We live in a weird world, huh? Nothing really goes like it should.”

“And how is that?” I asked, staring into her eyes. They seemed to darken, but they still looked beautiful.

“I mean, we’re good people; we’re nice—nice looking—and everything. So why aren’t we settled or at least…pro’s at this love thing? People look at me and think it’s my fault life won’t work out for me. Like all those people who saw me push the cart at you; I get those looks every day someone finds out I didn’t go to church, or every week that a ring remains off the finger. You know, it makes me sick. Life’s not all fairy-tales, but people—even ones stuck in crap—think it is. And they get mad when I don’t reach it. Life is just life, you know. It’s not like I need these…judgements to realize I’m missing out on something. But is it my entire fault? Like, really?”

She was no longer bowling. She was just sitting, holding her soda and looking through me. I slowly sat next to her, a sort of relief flooding over me—I wasn’t the only one. It was a sort of connection; we both had different stories, but the same results.

“Yes, I know what that’s like. But still, you can’t be disappointed in your life. You’ve tasted things most people only dream of. You even said you don’t want to settle.”

She looked over at me, her eyes mischievous. This is when I found out how confusing girls can be. “Yeah but, I can’t say I really meant it. I mean…there’s always been that pull for something more. I just don’t wanna admit it. Cuz life can be a total bag of manure sometimes, you know?”

I slowly started to nod my head, then started to shake it. I really was confused. She laughed, her solemn look finally shed.

“I get that a lot.” She smiled at me, her knees pulled up under her chin. She truly was beautiful. And it was then I knew what it felt like to have your heart collide with your chest. I knew what it was like to have emotions crash with your thoughts.

I wanted nothing but to get the chance to hold Carline—a woman I had known for less than twenty four hours; a woman who was probably ten years my junior; a woman who looked at me as a father figure; a woman who’d just broken up with a boyfriend. And then I was mad. Mad at me, at her, at the day. I wasn’t supposed to be here. It was grocery day. I was supposed to be home, starting dinner and thinking about work. I probably would have turned on the T.V. and then picked up some random book. I would have gone to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, looking for grey hairs. Instead, I was out bowling with a beautiful girl who had previously given me a concussion. And, in the few hours I’d known her, my world had been flipped upside down. I didn’t want to go back to breathing—I found I liked living.

I stood up, took a bowling ball, and threw it into the lane, getting to hear the solid sound of the ball colliding with all ten pins. She was by me again, a sort of stunned yet humored expression across her face.

“Thanks, Richard. But just because you happen to be an absolute pro at this game, doesn’t mean I want you to bowl for me.”

I blushed, keeping my eyes away from her face, desperate to remain a man. I knew exactly what she’d do if I fell to my impulses—I would probably do the same if I were her. So I sat back down without a word. And she followed.

She ordered a pizza, saying she was absolutely starved. I told hr I was quite the cook. She laughed and said it was nothing she hadn’t heard before—that guys always used that line to get her to come over but it would always turn out to be take-out. I assured her I was totally serious and she just winked, saying she’d have to come over sometime and see. But then she told me the different types of food she had tasted. Said caviar was vile, but she’d eat roasted squid any day. I told her that was disgusting. She laughed. As the pizza came, she went on about her Italian adventures. How true Italian pizza was nothing like the American version. I told her about pizza my mom used to make; with macaroni and cheese, canned tomatoes and peppers. She thought that sounded worse than anything. But it’s actually pretty good. She said I’d have to make it for her sometime.

The mood went somber. Both of us seemed nervous to speak. She finally rolled her eyes. “Yes, I said it. Geez. It’s not like we have to get married! I just want to try a mac and cheese pizza—is that such a crime?”

I laughed, nearly choking on my food as her face reddened. She smiled too, saying I was such a kid—that she’d baby-sat more mature boys than me. I just smiled, quickly asking where she lived now—if she had reached the two year limit.

She smiled, staring at me for a second too long to be comfortable. “Yeah, actually. I lived by my boyfriend for almost a year. Too long. I actually have a ticket to Austin, Texas—tomorrow morning.”

“Texas?” I said, trying desperately to hold myself together. She looked down.

“Uh-huh. I got a job.”

“What do you even do?” My voice cracked and she laughed—another one of those mesmerizing laughs.

“Anything and everything. This is a graphic designer position.”

“How do you even live like this? All this moving and going and stuff?” It could have been nosey, but she didn’t care.

“When you really want something, you go for it.” Her glance lingered—I’m sure she noticed mine too. “And, since I can’t seem to decide what I want, I go for a lot.”

I just nodded. That’s when a worker came over and told us they were closing—it was eleven o’clock. We were both surprised. Carline quickly asked how much that would cost. The guy just shrugged, saying it had been a slow day and we’d gotten through with just one payment—no biggie. So we quickly left, thanking them and leaving a quick tip. Not to mention half a pizza. But I don’t think they really wanted that.

We got in her car and started off; it was silent. But not awkward. We just both seemed to be thinking. All I could think of was the day—her laugh and how random everything had. How absolutely abnormal it was to me, but how it felt just like it should. I thought about how, when she smiled, a wrinkle would appear just by her left eye. Her bangs, just growing out, always managed to slip from behind her ear and slide onto her face. There was the way her foot swiveled when she stood still for too long. Or how she cheered when she hit a strike. And her eyes—just how green they were. And I thought about what she had said; how her philosophy on life was so different than mine. How…opposite she was from me, but how much I longed to be her. “When you really want something, you go for it.”

I looked at her, my mouth suddenly dry. She was humming along to the music, her head bobbing as her hands set the beat on the wheel. She seemed oblivious to me. But then she smiled.

“What you looking at so intently; you have some radio station you’re dying to hear—maybe the classical channel? Or some talk shows?”

It wasn’t rude and I smiled, quickly saying no and looking out the window. The traffic was gone and the night was dark.

“So, where’s it gonna be? Your house or your car?”

“Excuse me?” I said, shocked and almost scared. No matter how much my heart pounded when I was by her, that still seemed a little too…quick. Not to mention wrong—in a lot of ways.

She looked at me and then burst into laughter—a loud, totally happy laugh. “I mean, where do you want to be dropped off! Man, Rich, somebody’s mind is in the gutter!”

I smiled, blushing horribly and mumbling about how I was just thinking and that it had come out wrong. I told her my car would probably be best, and closest. She mentioned something about how that also meant she couldn’t stalk me. But I was only half listening. She had called me rich. Nobody had ever called me Rich before—nobody had ever called me anything but Richard. But I liked it.

Too soon, we were at the grocery store. It was easy enough to find my car; it was one of the last there. She laughed when she saw it; calling me a total geek. But it wasn’t rude. It was just Carline, and I was starting to like that. She parked, and I didn’t know what to do. Part of me wanted to say so much and the other just wanted to hide. Finally she smiled, and said it had been fun—way more fun than hanging out with her dad. I laughed, thanking her. The doors were still locked, but I didn’t want to tell her.

“Can-can I have your number?” I asked, quickly adding the fact that I needed to arrange a time to make mac and cheese pizza. She smiled, not even blushing or fidgeting. She just gave it to me and then unlocked the doors, almost as if she had been waiting. Then I got out and started to my car. But she called me back.

“Rich,” she said, leaning her head towards my opened door, “sorry ‘bout that…collision…with the grocery cart.”

“Don’t be,” I smiled, “I’m not.”

She smiled too, sort of biting her lip and then sitting back. But she popped back out again.

“Oh, and rich, you really don’t look forty. You’re cuter than my ex boyfriend…not that that’s saying much.” She laughed at her joke, giving me a double honk and yelling something about ‘sweetie’ as she drove off. I just laughed, getting in my car and willing myself to remember how to breathe. I didn’t dare turn on the car; I felt drunk. I just watched her pull out and get back on the freeway. It hurt; watching her go. All I could think of was what she had said—how you should go for the things you want. But everything I’d ever known told me it was ridiculous; that it could never and would never work out. So I just drove back to my apartment and went to bed. And, for the first time in my life, I didn’t brush my teeth. And it felt strangely good.

But I woke up with a headache; a huge, pulsing headache. And at first I thought it had all been a dream. But the taste of pizza still hung on my breath and my phone was lying on the counter, her number still in it. I reached for it, wanting to call. That’s when I remembered she was leaving—to Texas. I went in the bathroom and, after getting ready, just stared at myself, but not because of the threat of grey hairs. Rather because I felt like, if she went, living would leave to. It was as if my entire life was built up into that yesterday. As if all I had to live for was about to get on a plane and leave—live a life she wanted. And it was then when I realized just how desperation could change a man.

I pulled my phone and called her, needing to tell her—everything. But I got her voicemail. “Hey, this is Carline. I’m probably too busy living to answer; sorry. But I guess you can leave a message—“ a laugh, “and maybe I’ll get back to you…if you’re in range.”

So I did something more desperate. I grabbed my keys, jumped in my car and sped off to the airport. I didn’t even know when she was leaving. But I knew I had to find out. I laid on my horn, willing the traffic to disappear. For the first time, I was flipped off. But I didn’t care. I kept calling, willing her to answer, though I had no idea what she’d say. Probably file a restraining order.

It took me an hour to get to the airport and then I had no idea what to do.

I went up to the desk, asking if they could tell me what flight Carline was getting on. They said they could not, especially if I didn’t have a last name. I wanted to swear, but instead I just begged. I told them my life relied on this girl; that I had to find her. They didn’t buy it. Told me to move on—from the ticket booth and the girl. So I walked away, my eyes pathetically filling with tears. More because my head was killing me than anything, but still. I was crying. I just fell on a seat, letting my head fall between my knees. The incessant clatter of heels on tiles taunted me. Children seemed to scream just as they passed me. Adults would yell at spouses or children top hurry up or slow down—right by ear. The whole world seemed to be out to get me; my head was a circus and I couldn’t focus. But suddenly, I felt a hand on my head.

“Here sweetie, let me help you.”

I choked; the voice was too sweet—too perfect. It was as if all my hopes and dreams were in that voice and I didn’t dare look. But I did. My tears were still dripping down my cheek and my head was still pounding. But a sort of peace came over it when I heard her laugh. And then I saw those eyes. She was kneeling on the ground before me, her pencil skirt just touching the floor. Her hair was swept back in a ponytail and she smiled sadly at me.

“What’s a matter—someone would think little rich had his money taken by the playground bully.” Her laugh collided with her own joke and I smiled, letting her hands grasp my head.

“You did this to me.”

“Well, that’s real romantic.” She said, still on the ground.

“No, I mean my headache. It’s been pounding since you tried to kill me with a grocery cart.”

She sighed, a sort of laugh lacing it. “Now that is even less romantic.”

I laughed, but suddenly I went serious. “Carline—“

“It’s Jemima.” She whispered, a coy smile playing at her lip. And I laughed. Right then, I knew I could do what I had to. So I did.

Jemima Carline, I have to tell you something. Because right now, I just can’t breathe.”

She just nodded, her eyes wide and innocent.

“You have totally changed me. I was a senior till you ran me over and kidnapped me and…all that. I woke up and—I just can’t live without you. I know this sounds ridiculous. I hardly know you. I could be a crazy rapist drug banger…and visa versa. But I want to try. I wanna try. To Live, to settle. And I want to try it with you. I—I’ve never done this before, but if what I’m feeling isn’t love, I don’t need love. Cuz this is good enough. You, carline, have stolen my heart—within hours of knowing it. You taught me to go for what I want and I want you.”

She didn’t laugh, she didn’t cry, but she smiled. And it was beautiful. She stood slowly, her hands slipping into mine. “Well, rich, looks like we have something in common.”

And then she sat on my lap, looked into my eyes and laughed. And then we kissed. And that was the greatest collision I have ever felt. It was the greatest collision I had ever tasted. The world seemed to spin and it was just her and me. For a moment we parted and she whispered in my ear, “I hope you know that go for it stuff was crap—I made it up, just to get this.” Then she kissed me again. I could almost feel her laugh. We were soon absorbed and passion collided with humor, chance collided with reason, we collided with each other. And even as the call for final borders to Austin rang out, we still remained. My head still pound, but not as hard as my heart.

My crash course in collision taught me two things: there are two sorts of collision. One, considered bad. Two, absolutely delicious. But, isn’t it interesting; one can lead to another and both share a same sort of consequence. They both leave you breathless—simply and completely breathless. And that is why I pray for them; every day. Because, if you let them, they always remind you to live. Always.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 13 May 5, 2008

When Cadence came, I didn’t say anything other than thank you. And she seemed to get that I didn’t really want to talk. She just turned up the radio and hummed along. I sat in the backseat and leaned my head against the window. It was hot. And her old car was jolting so hard, I started to get a headache. But I didn’t move. I needed something to distract me—my lips were tingling; as if they craved something they couldn’t have. My heart was pounding; it felt good to have my head distract it. My breath still caught, but a headache made me need to breathe slowly. It was getting out of the car that scared me. But I had to. Cadence’s lunch break was almost over. So she dropped me off, told me to take some aspirin, and go to bed. I wanted to take more than aspirin, but I didn’t take anything. I just fell on the couch and turned on the T.V.

It was stuck on the Hallmark channel and I didn’t feel like getting up and getting the remote. Besides, I just needed something to distract me—desperately. I never knew how tear-inducing cheesy soap-opera style movies could be. It was about some jerk guy finding out that he had one week to live so he goes to get some money off his rich ex-wife and daughter, but along the way he meets all these people and has different things happen to him and then-–boom—the week is over just as he gets to his family a totally changed man and dies. But then it takes a leap past cheesy as he meets God who tells him he’s finally figured it out and the guy begs for just another day—to see his kid. So he goes back and he makes it all better with his ex and then he is prepared to die, but nothing happens. And he realizes he gets a real life with his family. The end. It was so cheesy—cheesy effects, cheesy acting, cheesy story. But I was bawling like a baby five minutes into it; and for absolutely no apparent reason other than I was an emotional wreck. I have to admit, I was hardly even following the story line. I was distracted. But I was still crying. Especially at the end when the ex, who has a boyfriend, slaps him and calls him nothing and its only his mentioning his death sentance that he gets to see his kid. And then, of course, she sees that he’s a different man with his kid and she gives him a chance with her and within in like five minutes of seeing each other, they are making out. That made my tears turn hot and I was ready throw my shoe at the screen. But then Annie came home and started giggling about how she had had to get all my roses home and wondering what had happened and gushing about how romantic Jason was and how lucky I was. I just tuned her out, wiped my face and smiled at her, as if I was listening. She came over, holding a bag of kisses and a note from Jason, said he had given it to her at the end of school. She just sat down next to me, expecting me to read it outloud. I didn’t. I told her I wouldn’t even open it in front of her, but mostly because I wasn’t in the mood. Then she whispered–as if someone would hear–that Jason had been totally worried when you left, she said he seemed totally bummed. She also mentioned that Todd had left early too. And she said she had found roses in the hall and knew they were mine and picked them up because she didn’t want Jason to think that I–Brooke–didn’t like him anymore. She paused there, as if waitig to see if I’d say something in protest or thanks. I just nodded and then excused myself, telling her I was totally tired.

When I got in my room, I read the note from JAson. And it was adorable. basically, he asked me to dinner. Part of me wanted to just call and say I was so sorry but I felt so gross. but then i thought about why I felt gross and about why my life seemed to suck so bad at that moment, adn I decided I would go. He was my boyfriend and his little annoying, self-righteous, dumb, smart-aleck brother could go choke on a chocoloate-covered strawberry for all I cared. And that’s when things changed. Suddenly I smiled, though I must admit it was more of a in-your-face-dare smile than an actual smile. But I didn’t care. I just cleared my throat, called Jason and told him I would love to go–the note was adorable.

He sounded relieved, but asked if I was sure. He didn’t want me to not enjoy myself. I told him it was my first real valentine’s celebration and I had to go. he laughed–I don’t think he really believed he was my first boyfriend or kiss or anything. He said he’d pick me up at 6:30 and have me back home by 10, since it was a school night. part of me wanted to tell him he could take me away forever–I didn’t want to face school. But I didn’t say anything. I just hung up after he said bye and then spent the next few hours blasting music and figuring out what to wear. For some reason I wanted something sexy–even over the top. I wanted to feel jealosy-causing hot and make heads turn. It was one of those nights where, if I had been in NYC, I would have been dressing up to sneak into an over-twenty club. And I knew I was doing it more for me than for him, though I tried to convince myself otherwise. In any case, it was a night for Jovani.

I pulled it out of its protector from the back of the closet. I remembered buying it; I had been craving something expensive and sexy. A back-stabbing friend had earlier raved about a Jovani dress she wanted but couldn’t get. After she totally betrayed me, I went out and bought it. And then I wore it the next time I saw her. Her face was priceless. But I hadn’t worn it since. And now I felt like it was time, because I needed gorgeous.

It was a shimmery black cocktail, falling inches above my knee. A plunging V fell down the back, echoing off the subtle one in the front. A ridiculously large bow sat in the back, just as black as the rest of the dress. I paired it with my silver Stuart Weitzman heels and laid off the make-up except for a smoky eye. My hair was curled and pulled to one side in a huge, sparkling silver clip. I was hot. When I finally opened my door at six, both Cadence and Annie were stunned silent. I didn’t mind. It was what I needed. Annie just thought I was absolutely gorgeous and kept looking at me as if she couldn’t believe it really was me. Cadence seemed almost scared. She would glance at me and smile yet look ready to cry too. I just sat around, convincing myself to be excited and happy. I told myself Todd wasn’t even on my mind, that I didn’t have to bring up anything to Jason. I decided I just had to move on–Todd was just being stupid and he didn’t matter. Jason mattered. I knew he liked me–a lot. And I liked him. Really. So when 6:30 rolled around and he came to the door, I got butterflies. And that felt good.

Annie answered the door, but I was close behind. And his face was unforgettable. he just stared for a solid second. i tried to read his expression–it was a sort of shocked, surprised, twitterpated, happy look that was as confusing as I had been just hours before. I smiled, suddenly feeling slightly silly. But, as I walked towards him and his smile got bigger, my confidence sky-rocketed. Besides, it wasn’t like I was overdressed. He was in a suit that could have very well passed for a tux to the unfamiliar eye. He looked good, in a james-bond-suave kind of way. I gave him a hug and he stole a kiss and whispered in my ear that I looked beautiful. Annie was still standing right next to me, leaning into the door, and I blushed but willed myself to laugh and take his hand as we walked down the steps. He kept mentioning how amazing I looked and how bad he did in comparison, how everyone would think he was my little brother. I laughed and said he looked hot. And then I stole a kiss and he laughed.

As he started driving, I turned on the radio. The preset was already playing–the coolest band ever and I was totally ready to lean back in my seat. But he quickly changed it, laughing under his breath about his brother and his button-pressing fetish. He put it on some slow special where all they played was romance songs. I wanted to die. But I didn’t say anything; after all it was Valentine’s and it was his car and I was totally happy just to be there, even if the music sucked. I told myself that again and again–especially when Celine Dion started up.

Eventually we pulled up to a restaurant and the radio was finally shut off. He made me wait for him to open my door, and then he escorted me into the place. That was awkward. The Maitre D’ asked if we wanted a seat at the bar, Jason blushed and explained that we were underage. I just smiled. She took a long look at me, not believing for a moment. But when Jason announced the reservation, venom filled her eyes as she stared. I just smiled back, hugging Jason’s arms more tightly. Eventually she left us be and someone proceeded to escort us to a candlelit table. The place was purely french. the waiters spoke french, the menu’s were in french, even their live band played french music.

Jason pulled my seat out for me, which was slightly annoying–I wasn’t some three year old. But I just sat down graciously. He made small talk about the food and offered to order for me. I was fluent in French so I watched, humored, as he fumbled over the french names during the order. When the waiter asked what we’d like to drink–in french–and Jason’s eyes nearly rolled to the back of his head, I spoke up. Reordering perfectly in french and adding a bit. I even thanked him for his time and apologized for my date. He smiled and thanked me and such and said he’d hurry along with the lady’s order.

Jason was blushing, yet completely impressed. Said he had tried french in 9th grade, but could never get past the colors. It turned out alright though, the waiter even brought us a complimentary taste of wine for both of us. He didn’t ask for I.D. and we didn’t explain to him. You never say no to the french. And it was delicious. Jason said he only ever had wine at family weddings. I didn’t mention the other sorts of alcoholic drinks I’d had in my life. I just veered the conversation to something else. And when our food came, I showed him how to properly eat a crepe and such. We were finished by eight and then he told me he had another surprise for me. I asked if it included a foreign language. He laughed and said no, he hoped it would be more impressive. He took me dancing.

It was some Valentine’s couples ball and I felt slightly awkward amongst the 92 year olds. He just took me to the floor and said he might not be able to speak french, but he could dance. Turns out his mom had forced both him and Todd to ballroom dance classes for all their teenage lives. AND he could dance. I had never really waltzed before. I sort of knew how, but in New York, I never had the need to. The dancing there was…. Well it wasn’t ballroom material. It was weird to have a guy purposefully put space between us and take my hands in his rather than expect me to fling them around his neck. And spinning through that ballroom was euphoric, with all the whirl of dresses and golden walls. I smiled and laughed, and it was fun. But he was so set on perfecting the steps, he never just pulled me in his arms and spun. It was always “1-2-3, 1-2-3″–I could almost feel him whispering it.

We finally left and got home just at ten. He offered to walk me back up the steps, but the oddly darkened house told me Annie was watching from somewhere. So I told him I’d be fine. And then he leaned and in and kissed me. It was passionate, almost. But I was suddenly cold. SO it was short, I felt the sudden urgent need to get inside and go to bed. So I thanked him for everything–from the hundreds of roses, to the dinner and dance. He smiled at me, brushing a curl off my cheek and said I was welcome. Then he kissed me again, but I had previously started to turn, so he mostly just got my cheek. I’d like to say it was all on accident, but I think part of me was relieved. I was suddenly exhausted. So I got out, closed the door and went in my room. Both Annie and Cadence asked how it was through the door and I just said it had been good. Cuz it had. But there was something weird about it all. A lot of things actually. But I didn’t feel like thinking. So I just changed, took a deep breath and fell asleep.

I won’t tell you what I dreamed about, only that it wasn’t Jason.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 12 April 30, 2008

Life was weird after my fiasco. Well, not all of it; just the parts including Todd. I felt sick around him—I wanted to punch him and cry and run all at the same time. But no one else seemed to notice, least of all Jason. He was oblivious, which isn’t that big a deal considering I avoided Todd completely. Once I saw him coming down the hall and he saw me, and I just spun around and went the long way. I was late to class. And then He once left some of his friends and started walking towards me—I knew he wanted to talk to me. So I swerved into the bathroom. I just didn’t want to deal with him and his…. No, the thing was—and this made me sick to discover—that a part of me wanted to ask. And another part of me was completely flustered. Like butterfly-flustered. And that made the other part of me sick, but it didn’t make it go away—that part that I really don’t want to mention.

I started to spend a lot more time at home. Home; I had never used that word. Even in Manhattan, it was my apartment, never my home. But I guess I was comfortable where I was at. There was always this sort of warmth in the house and I liked being there. It really was my home. Anyway, I found out Cadence was a nurse at a nearby children’s clinic. I found out because she thought my weirdness was a disease. She sat me at the counter and started looking down my throat and in my ears—she even did that thing where they kick you knee or whatever. I’d never done that before. As soon as she realized I was indeed not sick, she gave me a sucker and told me I was pretty healthy for being so depressed. It was a joke and I actually laughed. Annie and I started talking a lot more. She told me she was dying to be asked to prom which wasn’t until April. Then she asked me if I wanted to go; if I’d ever been. I hadn’t, there was no prom where I came from. And in all the movies it looked pretty lame anyway. But she wouldn’t buy it. She asked if I wanted to go with Jason. And you know what? I really couldn’t answer. I told her a lot of stuff, but nothing about Todd. And she was sweetly naïve to anything but what I said flat out. And she loved to talk so much, it wasn’t like she’d listen. She’d just wait for a break and then start talking. But I was fine with it, because I wasn’t much of a talker. And she made me laugh. Life at home was good and calm. It was super weird because it was like this pit and it was always dirty and smelt really funny sometimes, but it was a haven. And I spent a lot of time there because of it.

The only person who didn’t really like that was Jason. He said I’d been a lot more reclusive, wondered if it was something he’d done. I assured him it was not, that I was just getting used to everything. And eventually he grew used to it. He still called every night to say goodnight. And he’d offer a ride every day. I was careful to make sure Todd wouldn’t be there otherwise I’d say no. We spent a lot of quiet time together, like just holding hands or going to a movie. It was like we were past the need for conversation; we just were with each other. And that was comfortable. But then I’d see Todd glance our way and I’d get queasy, like he was judging or longing for something. I’d always drop Jason’s hand or stop cuddling if I saw Todd looking. It was just weird.

But then came Valentines Day—the most uncomfortable day if you’re single. But I discovered it was also the most awkward day if you have a boyfriend and his brother keeps watching you and you have this question in your brain about why. Jason didn’t offer me a ride, but when I woke up there was about a dozen of a dozen bouquets of all different colored long-stemmed roses on the doorstep. Annie wouldn’t stop squealing and she wouldn’t concentrate, so we missed the bus and Cadence had to drive us on her way to work, so we were late. But when I got to my first class, there was a single deep red rose on my desk. Everyone stared at me when I picked it up. And it was all super awkward. I had no idea what to do with it, but I knew I couldn’t throw it away or put it in my bag. So I just left it on my desk till I had to leave. But there were roses in every single class for me, all red. Annie, luckily, was in most of my classes and she thought it was so adorable, she would hold them the whole time. But I was scared for lunch. Not scared enough though, because it turned out to be a really long day.

I was on my way down to lunch, but I was going the long way in hopes of receiving fewer stares at my growing bouquet. But then Todd rounded the corner and I had no time to react. We both just stopped and looked at each other. Then he asked what the deal was, why was I avoiding him. I couldn’t believe he asked, so I just rolled my eyes and tried to get around him. But he wouldn’t let me.

“Brooke, what’s the problem? You can’t totally avoid me; you’re going out with my brother. Can’t we just be, like, civil—”

“Oh, shut up, Todd. We’re not friends and there’s no chance we’ll be friends after what you…said.”

He stared at me, his face reddening, but he wouldn’t let me pass. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to.” I snarled.

“I didn’t…mean it. I mean, competing with my brother always turns into a losing position for me.”

“What? Am I some prize? You guys take a bet over who could win me? I’m not for sale—to either of you!”

He grabbed my arm as I swung around. “No, that’s not what I meant. I—”

“What? I seethed, ripping my arm from his, “What do you mean? Just say it—do you like me or not?”

He didn’t answer; he just stuttered and looked down. And I turned as red as my roses. But not because I was mad, but because those flustered butterfly’s jumped in my gut again.

“You’re an idiot, Todd. What do you expect me to do?”

Suddenly he was mad. “You’re right—I am an idiot. I mean, look at what I wanted! I’m glad I didn’t take a bet on you—it’d be a waste of money. You’re just some spoiled brat who thinks the world revolves around her! I’m glad I’m not stuck with you and your selfish, high-maintenance self.”

I scoffed, fuming, my breath was catching and my voice was rising. “Well, I’d rather be a brat than be you. Look at you! You can’t even talk or stand up for yourself. And you’re so sure you are the best out there, you don’t even fight to be better. At least Jason’s going somewhere. You aren’t trying to be anything! You’re the spoiled one—life’s being fed to you and you have nowhere to go come graduation. Life will slap you hard, so don’t call me the brat!”

“Oh, you think you’re God?” he screamed, “You think that just because you go out with my brother, you know me? He doesn’t even know me! You guys don’t even talk around or about me! Just because I didn’t throw myself out there or tell the world my dreams doesn’t mean I don’t have any. My parents might be rich, but I’ve had to take care of myself for a while now—I’m not some spoiled girl who cries when she can’t get her frappacinno or get to some fashion show.”

“Yeah, so I don’t know you. But it doesn’t take the I.Q. of a genius to realize you don’t have any plans or a drive for anything higher. So prove, mister high-and-mighty. Prove you’re more than just some pig-headed little brother. Prove to the world that you’re suddenly more than just a nobody! Prove—”

Suddenly he grabbed me and kissed me. My roses fell from my arms and scattered across the hall. My mind was a screaming mess of emotions, but my heart was worse. All I could do was stand there. I was frozen because I couldn’t decide what to do. But as soon as he let me go, I just stared at him and I reacted. I slapped him, spun around and walked off. I didn’t dare look back; I didn’t care about my roses—I didn’t even run. I just walked slowly away and down to where Jason and I always sat. But I was still numb. It was like the earth was moving in slow motion—silent as a grave. I could see Annie standing nearby eagerly, her eyes sparkling as if she knew something I didn’t. I could see Todd down the hall, rubbing his jaw gently. And then I saw Jason. He held dozens roses, each with a chocolate kiss tied around the stem. He offered them to me, his million-dollar smile beaming up at me. I smiled, grabbing them and falling into his arms. But I was still numb and it still felt like an awful black and white movie. I felt sick inside, and I wiped at my eyes where hot tears started to fall. But everyone else just thought I was being sappy.

Jason spun me about; I could feel him laughing, but I didn’t hear it. And the world went slower when we spun past Todd. I could see his face—the hurt, the embarrassment. And I hugged tighter. As soon as Jason set me down, I kissed him. Hard. And that’s when my senses finally woke up. I could suddenly hear clapping and cheering and laughing. I heard Jason whisper in my ear. I felt his hand in mine. I could even feel the rose thorns cut at my hands. But I didn’t care. Because every time I tried to smile, I would see Todd out of the corner of my eye and I felt sick. And every time I felt sick, I’d hug tighter to Jason, desperate for something to stabilize me. I wanted to go home, but school was hardly over.

As soon as things calmed down and it became more normal, I told Jason I had to go to the restroom. And when Annie followed me and started giggling, I went even further. I left her in the bathroom with all my roses and went to the office to call Cadence.

I told her that I suddenly felt sick, that it must be the school food. She said she’d come get me. So I texted Jason that I was going to go home, that his roses were beautiful and I loved them, but that I felt sick—it must have been the casserole Cadence had cooked. He said he’d see me tomorrow. So I just went to the front foyer and waited. And as the bell rang and the halls emptied, I slid down the wall and started crying. And it hurt; the tears. But the worst was that I couldn’t figure out why I was crying, and it killed.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 11 April 27, 2008

It was February when things started getting weird. That’s right; I had survived an entire month. But then February came and it got harder—in a different way. Jason was supposed to drive me to school but he calls that morning and says he’s sick, that Todd was going to drive. Annie was right there, waiting to go to the bus and seeing if I was coming or not. And Jason was on the other line, asking if I still wanted a ride; this time with Todd.

I didn’t really like Todd. He had been nothing but rude to me—and Jason. But I hated the bus. A lot. So I said yes, to Jason. He laughed and told me fine, but I better be prepared. Like I knew what that meant. I wish I had, I probably wouldn’t have gone.

Annie ran out the door and Cadence said bye and left to work. I still had no idea what she did. But Todd was late. And he honked. That’s when I knew it was going to be a long drive, I just had no idea how awful it would turn out.

“Don’t worry, I steam-cleaned the seat before I came.” was how he greeted me. I gave him a smile and thanked him sarcastically. He just laughed and turned up the music, which happened to be my favorite band. So I asked if he liked it, he didn’t answer. He just looked at me from the corner of his eye and turned it up louder. Surprisingly that made me laugh. It was a comfortable moment. I loved that song and hadn’t heard it since New York and it felt almost like I was home. Except the sky was blue and the air was wet and Todd was by my side and there was no traffic and I wasn’t wearing a uniform. But it was still nice. And I hummed along quietly till the song was over.

“You know what; you actually are kind of surprising.” He said as he turned the music down.

I laughed, starting to feel uncomfortable again. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I just didn’t know a girl like you could have good taste in music.”

I scoffed, “You think you have better taste than me? I’ve helped make bands big. I bet I can list bands you’ve never heard of.”

He stared at me and then told me to try. So I started listing every band—big and underground—that I absolutely loved. And every one of them, he knew. It started to get annoying, especially when he said they weren’t that good or reminded me of others. But, still, I had to give him credit. I never expected him to like a lot of those bands. But he did. And he thought it was so weird, that I knew so much.

“I can’t believe it—here I thought you were so…uncool.”

I looked at him, totally irritated. “Why are you so against me?”

He scowled and stared ahead, pressing harder on the gas and going a bit faster. “Now where would you get an idea like that?” he asked, disdain dripping.
I just rolled my eyes, determined to beat him up. “So I wasn’t in the mood for some annoying, pointless suburbia chat that first day—big deal! You always going to hold that against me? Its like every time you see me with Jason, you freak out—like I’m not good enough for him or something.”

“Yeah—it’s all about you, huh, Brooke? News flash—it’s not.” He shouted, but his voice wasn’t angry, it was more…disgruntled. And it threw me off.

I went quiet and just stared at him for a second. He continued, but more quietly. “Besides, It’s not…you necessarily that bugs me with…Jason. It’s…. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Just get out and see if you can make it a day without breaking m brothers jaw. It should be easy considering he’s not here.”

He pulled sharply into the parking lot and screeched to a halt by a door. But I was angry.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Breaking a jaw?” he asks, being purposely annoying, “Well—”

“No, I mean the other part—what is bugging you if it’s not me? Cuz—trust me—it’s obvious something is.”

“It’s just you guys…together. Its sick and weird—“

I scoffed, my jaw dropping, “What the freak—are you jealous?”

He didn’t say anything, but the air suddenly seemed tight. His face flamed and he started clenching the steering wheel. But he wouldn’t look at me. And I suddenly got this really weird feeling in my stomach. But then I was just exasperated. Especially as the late bell rang. So I got out and slammed the door shut, wishing somehow his hand had been there. No luck. And then I stormed to my classroom which actually turned out to be the wrong period, but I didn’t care enough to be embarrassed. I just wished the hours away, still fuming at the conversation and accusations. Mostly because I had this idea and I was about a hundred percent sure I was right. I thought about every look, every word—or lack there of—and every moment I’d ever spent with or near that kid and I started to think that he liked me. The idea made me want to die. Die in a horrible bathe-in-gasoline-go-crawl-in-a-hole-and-light-a-match kind of way. I felt dirty, physically ill, and uncomfortable at the idea. But there was something else there too, something that made it all the more worse. I felt flustered and anxious, like I never wanted to see him again. Which was weird because, usually when I despise someone, I want to get close enough to strangle the kid. But now I just wanted to run—run and hide. Even the thought of seeing Jason got awkward.

That day didn’t pass quickly enough. Whenever I saw Todd, I looked the other way. I didn’t talk to him at all and I rode the bus home—I didn’t even tell him I didn’t need a ride. But I think he caught on pretty quick.

Annie knew I was being weird, but she didn’t ask anything, which was relieving. I just went in my room, shut the door, and screamed into my pillow. I’d never done that before. But it felt good. Cadence coming in and freaking out, asking what was wrong was a bad side-effect though. I just told her I had a lot of stuff due and it had just gotten stressful. But then she sat down next to me and pet my back. She asked if it was about Jason. I shot up quickly, suddenly venomous.

I told her to get out; that just because we shared the same genes didn’t make her my mother–where had she been for eighteen years? I started yelling things that I hadn’t thought about in a month. I told her that my living in her awful house didn’t mean I wanted her to come in a pretend she knew my life story. We were still strangers and I didn’t ever want her to touch me and pretend to comfort me, a girl she had ignored till she felt obligated to house me. I felt numb as the words fell from my mouth. Her eyes got all wide and stunned and I could see Annie standing in the middle of the hall staring in the same way. But I just scowled, breathless and hot.

Cadence stood slowly and I could see her eyes turning wet, but I honestly didn’t care. And as the door closed, I just fell back on my pillow and started crying again. It was all really weird. Because I could remember being so happy to be here just yesterday, and now I wanted to do nothing but run away.

I was blubbering, a mess of angry tears. I could hear the clanking of plates and I knew Cadence and Annie were having dinner, but I didn’t get up. Instead I called Melanie.

A man answered the phone and I could hear Melanie giggle in the background as she asked who it was. I quickly asked if I could talk to Melanie. The guy laughed and then handed the phone over.

“Melanie?” I asked, trying to clear my throat of the tears.

“Yeah, who’s this?” she said, her voice giggling. I could hear the guy in the background–but he wasn’t talking.

“It’s Brooke–can we talk?”

I heard her sigh, laughing and only half-haring me as the guy was nibbling on her ear. I felt sick–that’s not a cool sound.

“What? Sorry, uh…not exactly the best time.” Another airy laugh. “I’m…in a meeting–with my boss.”

“I wasn’t borne yesterday.” I said, completely angry, “You can tell me you’re too busy getting laid–it’s not your first try at a promotion; I know how it works.”

Suddenly her laughing stopped. I could almost feel her sit up. “What the hell is your problem, Brooke?” But it wasn’t a worried question, it was annoyed.

“Is this one married?” I asked, just as bitterly.

“Oh, grow up Brooke. Life’s not unicorns and rainbows. So sue me for trying to make it somewhere. Not all of us are born to millionaires who forget their daughters names and get away with it by handing them some plastic.”

“Leave my dad out of this.”

“Out of what? You feel threatened?” she suddenly sounded like a nightmare. “You really think your dad loved you? Even if he did, how did you repay him? By crying the day he died? You don’t care! The only reason you cry is because you had to leave your suite behind and go to a place where popularity isn’t based on cash. And now you’re finding it a little harder to get by. The little princess wants daddy to come down and save her. News flash: I’m not your daddy and I’m not gonna save you.”

Suddenly she laughed over the phone again, and that’s when I knew she really didn’t care.

“Melanie, I don’t ever want to talk to you again.” She scoffed. “I loved my dad, and he loved me–so why don’t you get out bed and grow up yourself.”

She didn’t laugh. “You really do think your dad was perfect. Who do you think remembered your birthday’s? Who do you think reminded him of your different events? Who bought the gifts, who wrote the cards? Who constantly had to persuade him to make room in his schedule on saturday mornings? It wasn’t him, honey.” She chuckled viciously, “And you know what, I did it to him and he seemed to like it. But you can bet I wasn’t the only one.” She laughed again, “Like it did him any good; he went and got in a car wreck on his way home one night.”

I just dropped the phone, willing myself not to crush it under my foot. I was suddenly more than angry, I was hurt. I felt cut at and bruised and really, really alone. That’s when the tears started to fall. And they weren’t hot.

Everything seemed to hit me at once–how Melanie had treated me, what she had said about my dad, Cadence’s eyes, Annie’s stare, Todd’s opinion. In the least, the day had sucked. But now it was a prison of pain that I couldn’t find a way out of. I started shaking, my tears turning into sobs. The air seemed tight; I couldn’t breathe. I started screaming, just trying to get air in and out of my lungs. But it was quiet, as if the whole room was suffocating and I couldn’t move. My memories became my enemies–they taunted me. Every memory of my dad, New York, Melanie. All the moments with Jason, Annie, even cadence. It was like the whole world was laughing at me and I couldn’t get away. I started to feel lightheaded and fuzzy. I could feel my fists clench around nothing, my nails digging into my flesh, but I couldn’t loosen them. I faintly heard worried calls from the hall. Then the door was flung open and arms started grabbing me. But I couldn’t relax. I still shook, and I still breathed out screams. Then I was suddenly gone, but that blackness wasn’t peace.

When I woke up, Cadence was screaming above me, telling someone to call 911. I tried to shake my head; I was fine. But Cadence just pinned me to the bed and told me to not move. But I wanted to–I needed to. So I threw her off me and told her to just let me breathe. She seemed to catch on that I was no longer shaking; even my fists were unclenched. That’s when I realized it had only been seconds since I’d feinted. But it had seemed like hours. Annie stood in the door frame, staring at me like I was some sort of monster. I just took a deep breath, staring at the ground and starting to rub my temples.

Cadence cursed under her breath. “You better tell me what the crap that was about. I don’t care if you hate me.”

I looked at her, suddenly embarrassed.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

She seemed to catch on that I wasn’t talking about what had just happened. I meant earlier, what I had said to her. I needed some form of stability, someone who could make me breathe again. She was the closest option. She sighed, mumbling about how weird teenagers are. I just fell back on the bed and started talking. I’m sure I made absolutely no sense, but neither of them said a word. They just listened.

I told them about Melanie–how she looked at men, what she did to get what she wanted. I told them about dad and what Melanie had said about him. I admitted that I had no reason not to believe her, there was no proof that my dad had loved me. I even talked about what Cadence had admitted to me, about her marriage to my dad. I talked about how today had sucked–I didn’t say why–and how much both worlds I’d ever lived in sucked.

By the end, their faces had given up expressing emotion. They almost looked stoned. Neither moved and neither spoke. Finally I just fell in Cadence’s lap and sobbed. That seemed to wake them up. Annie was immediately next to me, placing her face by mine and willing me to stop crying. She told me it was all right, that they really did love me–even if no one else had. That seemed to backfire on her, cuz I just cried harder. Cadence whispered to Annie, asking her to leave, which she immediately did.

Cadence sat me up, pulling me off her lap and into her arms. I eventually stifled my sobs and the tears slid silently down. Then she started talking.

“People aren’t perfect. Sometimes people do stupid things. Just look at me–I’ve do stupid stuff all the time. I left you, hurt you, I hurt your father, I sticked with Annie’s father for way to long…I….I’m a mess.” She shook her head against mine but continued, “And sometimes people are just stupid. Like Melanie. Well, I don’t really know her, so I shouldn’t say that but…she seemed stupider than a cow to me.”

I laughed sadly, and I suddenly felt at home.

“But the thing is, life can suck sometimes. We all just have to learn to deal–in different ways. I know being here, for you, isn’t ideal. I know exactly what kind of life you’re coming from. I’ve been there. That world can be…crazy. But I’ll tell you this,” she pulled my face up to look at her, “your father was a good man. And, even if he did do stupid things, wouldn’t it be better to remember him as we knew him?”

Her eyes were sad and a single tear slipped out. But that one tear was as if a dam of broken dreams had been unleashed.

“You loved him, didn’t you–even after you left.”

She stared at me, not answering for a solid moment. Then she just smiled. “I guess so.” She sighed, a sort of sad realization. “It’s hard not to, isn’t it?”

I sat up, wiping my face, “I wouldn’t know. He really wasn’t ever a major part of my life. But it still hurt to lose him.”

“Of course it did. You don’t have to be glued to a person to care enough to cry when they go. And he was your father, he was there. And if what Melanie said was true, he was lucky. To have such a wonderful girl forced upon him.”

I rolled my eyes, “You don’t even know me–wonderful isn’t one of my adjectives.”

She looked at me sadly, “Brooke, I know I haven’t been there for you–at all, really. But I know that when you stepped off that plane, you were mourning for lost comfort and riches. Now you’re mourning for lost emotional connections. That’s a big change for anyone. That’s wonderful. I’ve seen you, in a single month, become someone completely different. Life sucked for you and you’re dealing. You should be proud of that.

“And I know I’m not all a mother should be; I’m not expecting you to love me–I’m fine with you calling me Cadence. But I hope you know, I am trying to be here for you. I want to be more than just your guardian. I want to at least have your trust–I love you and I am so proud that we share the same gene pool.” Then she smiled, and pulled me back in her arms. And I hugged her. I don’t really hug people. Hugs are weird. But not with Cadence, it was…safe.

She laughed, saying that I’d almost given her a heart-attack with all that screaming. I apologized. And she got up, telling me I needed to get some sleep. But, as she opened the door, she turned back to me, her eyes twinkling. “Besides, life can’t be too bad with man candy like Jason.”

I laughed quietly, sitting awkwardly still as the door closed and I was left alone. I kept looking at my phone and finally picked it up. There was a text from Jason. “I missed your face today Stay Beautiful.”

I finally, totally and happily, smiled–no reservations. I didn’t reply or anything though. I was too tired and I wanted to fall asleep with a smile–dreams are better that way. So I slipped under my covers, not even worrying about wrinkling my True Religion or my Nicholai. I guess Cadence was right, I really had changed.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 10 April 24, 2008

I did call him back–no worries. And it wasn’t awkward, it was…fun. We just talked. A lot about New York because he was going to go to school there. But I’m glad we did that on the phone, because it did kind of hurt. I missed the noise and the bustle of the city. The shopping, the art shows, the fashion capital–I even missed broadway. But it was still nice; talking with him. It kind of felt like home; like I was with my dad eating breakfast. And I don’t mean that creepy, I just mean in was comfortable and somehow familiar. Besides, dad was the only guy in my life to compare him to. And I did. And it came out good!

But, anyway, we spent a lot of time together that next week. He didn’t kiss me again, or even grab my hand. He was surprising. Whenever I expected a kiss, he wouldn’t give it. In a moment where he should of held my hand, he doesn’t. And I think a lot of it’s on purpose. Like he’s toying with me–in a good way–and making sure I stick around for him and not just for the kissing or whatever. But he was a good kisser and I sometimes just wanted to tell him to get over himself and kiss me again. But I didn’t. And he didn’t, though his eyes always twinkled mischieviously.

Annie thought it was the funniestt thing; to watch us. She wouldn’t bother us when he was over or when we sat together at school, but she would always watch with a smile and would fall into these awkward fit of giggles. And afterwards she’d be on me for details and gushing about how cute we were. I just laughed. And I did like it–all of it. And evweryone else seemed to like it or at least be fine with it. Half the school would watch our every move. Annie had let all her friends know about “us” and that just spread. I had never seen something explode through a group of people so fast. It’s like everyone knew and everyone was talking about it.

I discovered that week that jason had been number one on the school’s Hottest Bachelors list–yeah, they had one–but, by late monday he’d been taken off and we started climbing the Cutest Couples list. See, they had this whole non-official school site. Mostly loaded with gossip. It was ridiculously funny to look at. Annie worshipped it and always told me when something happened that she thought I should or would care about. I was number one on the Luckiest list. i thought it was because of Jason, but the anonymous comments said otherwise. They all talked about my clothes and hair and money and history. It was really weird. But cool; to be so popular without having to really do anything. And they had pictures–I don’t know where they got them. I printed the one they had of Jason and me. Which made me feel retarded, but it was cute. And I realized I liked being liked. And knowing I didn’t have to guard Jason from other girls was nice. The whole school seemed to be seriously happy for us–isn’t that weird?

Well, except Todd. He seemed to despise seeing us together. I gues I was stealing his brother away and he didn’t like it. But, whatever. He didn’t hang out with Annie again. He at least recognized her presence, which was actually enough for her. She was happy to just get a nod-of-the-head or a “wassup” as he walked down the hall. In fact, she told me he’d been kind of annoying on the date. Slightly zoned. But she hadn’t mind cuz, according to her, “Hello! He’s so hot!”. Still, it weird to go to Jason’s house with him because Todd would just stare icily at us. It really made it uncomfortable and even jason would tell him to bug off.

I went to his house for dinner one night and his mom was total ’stepford’ catalogue material. And I mean that in the nicest way. She was really sweet and even put my cook to shame with her homemade lasagna. But she was…prefect. In a realistic way. Unlike my NY friends mom’s who pretended everything was good but really they just played around with guys and got mani-pedi’s. But Jason’s mom was all smiles. She greeted me with a hug–wearing an apron and an oven mitt–and told me jason hadn’t been exagerating when he called me beautiful. That made jason blush and me laugh. Then she told me to hurry and make myself comfortable and sit down and ‘the husband’ should be home in a few and ‘Oh, you are just lovely’ and ‘Please call me karen’. It really made me laugh–it was so…unexpected. And when his dad came home it was even more surprising. He walked in and I could tell he was tired, but both Jason and Todd stood up and gave him a hug and I stood up because I didn’t know what else to do. He looked at me with a warm smile and said “So this is the girl who’s captured my son? Well, i think he’s the one who got the prize.” I just smiled as Jason came to my side. And that’s when he grabbed my hand–of all the times to do it; right in front of his dad! But he just smiled and winked jokingly at me. Then Karen came back in and started laughing and talking and telling Todd to hurry and go get Mary from next door. Mary was their little sister. She was seven and just as adorable as Jason. But I didn’t tell her that. We sat around at the dinner table and, as usual, someone brought up my clothes. It wasn’t even a big deal–just some DVF coso dress. But karen just had to tell me she loved it–that I was gorgeous. Everyone laughed. that’s how the whole evening went. laughing and joking. Mostly they just talked, and I listened. The parents told me stories about Jason and Todd. One was about jason convincing Todd to go to school as a girl on the first day. Todd didn’t think it was funny, but everyone else was laughing. Especially when they said the whole school fell for it. It was only when Mary yawned that the dinner ended. It was about nine. But before mary went off with her mom, she leaned over to me and asked seriously, “Do you love jason?” Awkward. I blushed like never before and would not look anyone in the eye. but no one else seemed uncomfortable. Karen pulled mary into her arms and said with a wink my way, “No, honey, loves yucky.”

Then Jason drove me home and finally kissed me. He whispered, “Love isn’t yucky to me.” and then I went inside and he drove off. It was all such a…culture shock, I just thought about it the rest of the night. It had been strangely fun and totally different than anything i had or could have imagined. But I liked it. And I was starting to see that jason was as random as his family–but in a good way.

The day after, jason couldn’t give me a ride, I rode the bus. And I was walking down to class and he suddenly appears next to me, grabs my hand, and kisses me on the cheek. I was surrounded by all of Annie’s friends. That was really awkward. I had no idea what to do, but he didn’t give me a chance to do anything. He just ran back down the hall. None of the girls said anything, they just stared and giggled under their breath. Annie would nudge me constantly and giggle and do this weird little dance, like she was happy for me. It was all so weird. But, I guess I was getting used to it. Because the next monday at lunch, I quickly sat down next to him and kissed him. But I did it on the lips–in front of his friends. And his brother. And I got a grasp as to why he did things so randomly and unexpected–it was fun. And it tasted better; or at least sweeter. There was always that split second where the other was too surprised to do anything, and that was the best part. So we started to constantly try and surprise each other. No one else seemed to appreciate that.

We were dropped a level in the stats. The anonymous voters said we were annoying. Someone even said that–and I quote–we were “so nasty; no one likes PDA–get a room and stop slobbering all over eachother and the entire school.” Which I thought was funny, but Annie just started screaming about how stupid jealous people were. That’s when i found out you had to pay $25 to become a member and participate in votes. And in order to even find the person to pay, you had to become connected to the “anonymous”, who no one really knew. But that was one thing I didn’t care about. I could have been at the bottom of that list and still gone after those kisses. Annie was right; they were just jealous. or they should be. Because those kisses were good–stolen or not.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 9 April 22, 2008

I was reading Vogue with Annie. Well, she was actually laughing at People Magazine; but we were both on the bed. It was late Saturday—hours after I kissed him. He hadn’t called. And I was still tingling. But Annie didn’t bring it up, neither did I. I just pretended to care about the celebrity gossip Annie was telling me about. Of course, once she found I had met the guy twice, she didn’t really care about the gossip. She wanted to know about his arms. But it all seemed sort of forced. And when my phone buzzed, the world seemed to freeze. Annie eyes got wide and she stared at me, mouth opened in mid-sentence. I wanted to roll my eyes and say it wasn’t a big deal. I really wanted to have the self-control to not reach over and grab it half-way through the second ring. But I didn’t. And I grabbed it. It was Cadence.

“Hey, Brooke! Are you with Annie—she isn’t answering her cell.”

I don’t know if I was relieved or heartbroken or annoyed. I just handed the phone to Annie and went back to my magazine. She fell back on the bed and started talking tiredly to her mom about laundry or something. I just flipped aimlessly through the pages, oblivious to things that would have been ripped out and put on my “necessary” list just weeks ago. I didn’t get depressed or even giddy when I saw the new Armani handbag I’d been dying for since Christmas. Melanie had admitted that dad was going to get it in Rome. But then he died. And I don’t think that really hurt my want for the bag. But still, I didn’t seem to care anymore.

Annie tossed the phone next to me when she was done. Automatically I picked it up and slid it open. There was no text—most of Manhattan had forgotten me—but there was a message. And my heart stopped beating.

“Did someone call while you were on?” I asked, trying to play it cool.

She just flipped onto her stomach, pulling the magazine to her face. “I dunno.”

I stared down at the blinking message. The pathetic part was, I didn’t want to touch it. But I did. And I put it to my ear slowly and leaned in to hear it. Annie noticed that I was no longer listening and she looked over at me. I guess I seemed kind of struck because she caught on that someone had called and that I was now listening to something juicy. Her whole face lit up and she crawled closer, biting her lip and giggling. I just waited, listening to my voice machine and waiting for it to jump to the message.

“Hey, uh, this is Jason.” And then his voice laughed. And I couldn’t help but smile. “Wow—this is awkward; not talking to you. Not that I’m talking to you, just…being on the phone and not talking directly.” I could almost see him blushing and it made me blush. Annie just smiled, leaning closer and trying to hear.

“Yeah, well I sound retarded. I’m usually a lot more suave.” Another chuckle. “Just another side-affect to…everything, I guess—but I’ll take it. Dang. I didn’t really call for any reason. I just wanted to hear your voice—I didn’t mean that as psycho as it sounded. Jeez, this message is a mess. Does your voice mail have a delete option? I think I’ll stop now…. Man, you’ve sent me into a tizzy.” A pause. “And I can’t believe I just said that. Kay, well, if you still have any respect for me after this—I hope you do—give me a call.” He breathed out and then laughed softly, “This is harder than I thought. I–…bye.”

And then it was done. And my smile just exploded across my face; I fell on my back laughing.

Annie started squealing and poking me, asking about what he said and what he wanted. But then the garage door went up and she cursed under her breath, jumping from the bed and shouting about some chore she hadn’t finished. I just smiled and smiled and smiled.

And it was weird. I’d never been so…happy. It was like my whole past life went dim to the ‘now’ I was living. I think that’s partly why I laughed. Just weeks ago, if I had met Jason in New York, I wouldn’t have cared. I probably would have given him the same treatment I’d given Todd. Or worse. Especially if he had been as nice as he was. I would have scowled at him—a wrinkle free scowl, mind you—and told him to get out of my way. And even if, just by chance, I had decided to give him a chance, I never would have started to go out with him. My dad had been my man. But if he’d miraculously gotten by that and I had decided to kiss him, it would have been a totally different relationship. I had seen my friend’s relationships. They were never about feelings, they were about material. The girls at my school would fight for the richest, even if they didn’t like him. And the guys liked it. They didn’t try and be nice; they didn’t have to. They’d come in Rolex’s and designer argyle with a hundred dollar hair cut and stand around till a hot girl walked by and then they’d pull out their wallets and ‘flash’ the money. If that didn’t work, they’d start bringing gifts—but not out of love. It was all about lust. In my world, chances were if you could afford a personal suite, you could get a girl in bed. I’d seen girls break up with guys because they wanted what another had. Friends would destroy friends to get the other girls man. If a guy started feeling for another girl, he would drop his girlfriend and go for it—even if it means another world war or the start of a vendetta. If there was ever a place to raise gold-digger’s, it was upper Manhattan. I’d been there. And now, here I was, giggling about a completely embarrassing message and thinking about the guy who had left it. It was kind of…weird.

Here I had spent my life with this one focus, or lack thereof, only to now have it totally changed. My dad had died, but I cried more when I found out I was being forced to Florida because of it. I had met people, seen things, been places that most people only dream of—and I hadn’t cared. I was more awed by a designer’s piece than I was by a sunset in France. Sitting there just made me think how…different I was. Here I was, living in the tiniest house ever built, with two strangers who I just recently met and who were related to me and who served frozen pea’s and fried chicken for dinner. I was going to a public school and sitting on a school bus and washing my clothes in machines. I hadn’t had a manicure in a month, I had lived without starbucks for more than a day and I had kissed a guy who liked me for me; who wanted me just because. It was the total opposite of my past life and I didn’t really care. Well, I missed my fashion shows and my apartment. I definitely missed my cook and New York, but I wasn’t dying. I was a totally different person. For one, I smiled a lot more. I learned how to bite down nasty remarks. I had shared my clothes with Annie. And it hadn’t even been a month. I was still stuck in a hot January, in the sunshine state, with another five ahead of me—with it only getting hotter. But, that phone call, I could take on anything—I felt on top of the world. So I just lay on my bed—cheap paisley and all—and smiled. For the first time, life was actually good.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 8 April 18, 2008

They both came up to the door and Cadence answered it–she paid us for the honor. I was almost scared she’d bring out the camera or that Annie would freak and not say a word. But they both acted pretty calm. I introduced Todd to his date and smiled as he just stared. Not a creepy stare, just a relieved, almost-excited look. Annie just laughed and asked if we were gonna go. Todd smiled and turned slightly to let her out. Jason laughed at me as I started after them, whispering under his breath about how Todd had been so scared you’d set him up with some monster. I quickly announced that if anyone should be scared, it should be Annie. He snickered and opened the door for me. I looked back at Todd and Annie, packed into the back.

“You know, I could sit back there with Annie so there’s more room.”

Annie didn’t really here. Todd just smiled, stretching his arms across the seat, “Nah, I’m sure we’ll be fine–totally comfortable.”

Annie giggled as he threw her a wink. “Totally.”

I just rolled my eyes and got comfortable, glancing at Jason adn trying to calm the raging butterflies in my stomach.

“So where are we going?” I asked casually, crossing my legs and moving my purse.

“It’s a surprise.” Todd yelled from the back. I ignored him and kept my attention on jason.

“Downtown.” Jason said, keeping his eyes on the road.

“You mean there’s a town?” I teased. He glanced at me with a million dollar smile and shrugged. I just laughed, letting the wind from his window catch my hair. He hadn’t put down the top, and I was glad.

Todd and Annie were laughing in the back. Turns out it wasn’t a complete blind date. They had had a class together once and he had even went out to lunch with her–in a big group–last year. So that meant Jason and I were kind of alone conversation wise. I never knew how much attention it took to drive. I never really had. I had my liscense, but I’d never really used it. When he found that out, he pulled over and my stomach dropped.

“Come on–you’re gonna drive.” He stared at me, his eyes twinkling. I just looked at that wheel, the windshield and I shook my head. Annie giggled in the back and Todd just stared humoredly.

“No–I don’t even know where we’re going and–I haven’t driven in, like, a year. I’ll prorably kill someone.”

“There are airbags.” Jason said simply.

I was going crazy. “Well, what if I run over a small child? Or a chipmunk! I could be arrested.”

“A small child?” Jason repeated, laughter brimming on every word.

I blushed, “Yes!”

He just rolled his eyes, got out of the car, and came along to my side.

“Come on,” he said magically, almost melting me into goop. “I’ll help you. And you can’t be arrested–you have your liscense and a wonderfully connected guide.”

Then he took my hand–I think I would have jumped off a building with him if I could just hold his hand. “My uncle’s a cop,” he explained, guiding me back around the car, his hand still hugging mine. “And I’m a genius at the road. Besides, driving is like riding a bike–you can’t forget how to do it.”

“You can if you’ve never ridden a bike before!” He just laughed, not realizing how dead serious I was. And when he closed my door and moved around to the other side; and when Todd and Annie just leaned back comfortably I knew they were all serious–they wanted me to drive.

I stared at the car. It was a beautiful car. And I could imagine how fast it could go; how fun it would be. I nervously grabbed the wheel and looked down at my feet, checking to see the pedal’s. I wasn’t even sure which one. Jason just took my hand again and placed it on the gear shift. He teased me; told me what every letter stood for and then willed me to put it in Drive. I did. And then I pressed on a pedal and we screached into the road. I slammed on the break as another car swerved around us with a loud honk.

“I so can’t do this.” I whispered, my hands already numb. The whole car broke into laughter adn I blushed some more.

“You can’t just jump in front of cars–come on, you’re doing great.”

“Just make sure to look out for small children.” Todd mocked from the back. Suddenly I wanted to run into a pole just to shut him up. Jason told me I’d do fine, that anyone was a better driver than Todd. So I took my foot off the brake and pressed it gently to the gas. And we moved! When I smiled, relieved, Jason just told me to go a little faster so I could hit the speed limit. I’d like to think it was my heels and that I couldn’t feel the pedal, but I shoved my foot down hard and we swerved farther into the street, hitting near freeway speeds. And we all started to scream. Jason’s was humored, mine was terrified, Todd’s was near death and Annie was bloody murder. My hands lost control of the wheel and the car headed towards a mailbox. Then jason grabbed the wheel and I managed to slam on the breaks. The smell of scorched tar floated through the window and it went deathly silent. It all happened in like six seconds and we were just in an emtpy residential road, but I almost had a heart attack. Jason started to laugh.

“Yeah–maybe you shouldn’t drive.” And something in his sparkly eyes made me laugh. Or maybe it wss the euphoria of not dying. I eagerly opened the door and started back to my side. jason met me halfway, bent over to look under the car–which was about four inches from the mailbox–and said we were safe–there were no small children. I just smacked him and almost twisted my ankle climbing over the curb but he caught me with another laugh. I should have been embarassed–I never tripped–but I felt strangely comfortable looking into those laughing eyes.

The rest of the ride was awkward. And I knew it was my fault. I think it gave me a permanent blush. Todd and Annie kind of stared at me and Jason wouldn’t stop making jokes about it. Things like “No wonder there’s so much traffic in New York—they can’t drive” or “Next time I’ll take your word for it”. But, to be honest, I didn’t really care. I felt oddly smug in an I-told-you-so kind of way. And I was totally energized—I laughed and joked back and talked more than I think I ever had before. And after the hour drive, when we pulled up to a Starbucks, my smile got bigger.

I jumped out of the car and started jumping around. I ran to Jason’s side and hugged him—hugged him! He laughed and let me; at least I’d like to think so. Todd just coughed behind us and made a joke about how caffeine was the last thing I needed. Annie laughed, but I hugged tighter. It was good to see something familiar again. And it smelled so good—I hadn’t had real coffee since I flew down here. I just eagerly waited for Jason to open the door and then I flew in, licking my lips as the wave of grounded coffee and frappes hit me.

“I’ll have a tall Java Chip Frappuccino—no whip cream.” I said, totally at home. Jason just shook his head and smiled, ordering next. I didn’t really hear what he ordered; I just waited eagerly for mine. And as soon as everyone had theirs, we got back in the car.

I was in my own little starbucks world. Until we pulled up to an Italian restaurant. I loved Italian. At first I thought we were going in, but Jason just winked and said he’d be back. And he came back loaded with steaming hot food that smelled like heaven. With my frappuccino done, all I could think about was that food. Plus, it was already about nine and I was starving. So I just watched curiously as Jason casually drove farther and farther away. And then we were on the beach.

I must admit it was ugly in comparison to the beaches I’d seen. I’d been everywhere—Jamaica, Hawaii, Cancun, Greece, France, Mexico, Bora Bora. But there was something magical about it all. Having Jason offer his hand to help me out, seeing the guys grab a pile of picnic supplies from the back, smelling the food, being told to take my shoes off and walk across the sand, watching the stars twinkles across the water—it all seemed like some movie scene. Annie even leaned closer and whispered, “Life is so romantic when you’re rich!”

We just sat on a huge blanket on the beach, eating everything Italian and laughing—a lot. And as the night chill started to set, Jason got a little closer and my butterflies beat a bit faster. I still remember when his hand grazed mine. He didn’t touch it entirely; his fingers just teased mine, almost as if it had been an accident. I turned and looked at him, suddenly filled with courage rather than butterflies. I just slid my hand into his, letting my fingers fall into his. He smiled slyly and I just gave him a comfortable look. Annie and Todd were laughing about some joke and Jason pretended to listen, but I could feel him tighten his grip on my hand. That’s when my butterflies came back.

But as soon as Todd and Annie got up to go play in the water, I fell to the ground, letting gravity pull Jason with me. We just lay there, our hands linked and our smiles wide.

“I didn’t expect that,” he said with a laugh.

I smiled flirtingly, “I’m a forward girl—I get what I want.”

He pulled my hand up slightly in the air, sort of massaging my fingertips with his, “I’ll take your word on it.” He whispered, nudging closer. And then he kissed me. And it was pure magic. Better than a frappuccino; better than Italian. More shocking: I’d give up my wardrobe to do it again.

And that’s when I heard Annie gasp and Todd cough. I quickly sat up, my cheeks flaming like a hotdog at scout camp—at least what I think a hotdog at scout camp would look like; I’d never really seen one.

Jason sat up just as quick though there was more laughter in his smile than embarrassment.

“Hey,” Todd said, staring at his brother, “Now that the make-out session is done, we should probably get going.”

Annie giggled, trying hard to appear invisible. But as soon as Jason stood and started gathering stuff, she grabbed me, her mouth open and eyes twinkling.

“What the crap was that?” She squealed, “I leave you for like two seconds and suddenly you guys go all ‘Notebook’ on me?”

I laughed, still hot and inflamed. “It just…happened.”

She snorted in a kind of ‘duh’ way. “Yeah—we noticed.”

I didn’t say anything. We just stood next to the car, waiting for the guys to finish cleaning up. But all I could do was play that kiss over and over in my head. I bit my lip, wishing everyone would disappear—except Jason. I kept looking at him; I couldn’t stop. And whenever our eyes met—which was often—I’d just smile. And whenever Todd rolled his eyes at us—which was also often—Jason would blush, which was oddly adorable.

When we finally got in the car, I wish I could say things were awkward. But they weren’t. It was an hour-long drive back but it passed like seconds. Well, it was probably awkward fro Annie and Todd. Probably because Jason and I didn’t try to talk or anything. We just smiled and kept glancing at each other, which would make us smile more. Todd seemed kind of mad at his brother, but he was still very talkative. He would crack jokes to Annie about how next time they should try it. That made me look back—Annie would blush and giggle but get her flirt on at the same time. I found that more putrid than walking in on a kiss would be. It made me sick. But Jason just laughed and teased everyone.

It was just past midnight when we pulled up to Cadence’s house. I was dead tired but still feeling on top of the world. And Jason holding me back, allowing Todd and Annie to leave first, didn’t really help. He stole my hand and walked me gently up the walk. Annie walked in after hugging Todd and gave me one last stare. Then Todd walked back to the car, whispering under his breath for Jason to hurry it up and “keep it G rated”. That was awkward. But Jason didn’t let it faze him. He walked me to the door and told me that it had been amazing—that I was amazing.

“You weren’t too bad yourself.” I managed to say, still holding his hand, and knowing it was a total awful, cheesy response. But he just smiled.

“You know, you’ve surprised me.”

“What?” I teased, “You don’t think Manhattan preps can be amazing?”

“No, I mean…I guess. I just didn’t expect the girl with the attitude that almost made my brother cry would be…for me.”

Suddenly I didn’t feel like teasing anymore. I wanted to kiss him—bad. But I resisted, if only because I knew Annie had to be watching from somewhere—not to mention Todd.

Then he hugged me; a warm hug that spread like wildfire. It was nice and he whispered in my ear before he pulled away. “I’m glad I was wrong.”

And then he left me breathless at the door and I couldn’t move. He was halfway down the walk when I did it. I called his name. And when he turned to look at me, I didn’t even hesitate. It took me two seconds—a miracle in heels, I might add—to reach him and then I kissed him hard. I totally went ‘Notebook’ on him and I could feel him smile through it all. And then I let him go, feeling my feet finally touch ground. I ran in the house and closed the door, sliding down it just willing myself to breathe again. I felt like a little girl, but it felt good.

Annie fell next to me, a mess of giggles and squeals. I didn’t hear her. I just touched my lips, my smile as big as the world. I didn’t sleep the whole night, though I did slip into my room as soon as I could. I just lay on the bed and laughed. I was giddy. More giddy than I had been at the fashion show sitting across from Brad Pitt. More giddy than shopping in Paris. I was number than I had been when dad died. And you know what? That was okay. I was wonderfully fine with it. And what’s more? I could still taste his smile.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 7 April 16, 2008

“So…do you have any plans tonight?”

I asked casually, struggling to keep my smile off my face. Annie spun around from the bathroom mirror, yanking the flat iron from her hair.

“What? Why?” she asked, knowing it wasn’t just curiosity that drove me. I laughed, walking over to help her now-kinked hair. I took the flat iron and started twisting her ends. She just stood, tapping her foot impatiently and whispering under her breath about how I shouldn’t be so gorgeous.

“Nothing…just wondering.”

“Whatever. You so have a date–with Jason.”

I laughed. I seemed to be doing that a lot more. “How did you know?”

She rolled her eyes, “Just cuz I’m not some spiffed-up New Yorker doesn’t mean I’m totally dumb. It’s so obvious.”

“How?” I laughed, finishing her hair and turning to look at my own.

“Well, I know you talked to him for like two hours last night. And every other night since tuesday. I know you guys finished your english stuff on your wednesday night ‘non-date’ which you said was fun but that you guys totally didn’t do well on the project. I know that your time in the bathroom every morning has gone up at least ten minutes and you listen to love songs more than anything else. Plus your eyes sparkle and you wear more blue cuz he said you looked good on wednesday–when you wore blue.”

I stared at her reflection, which was humored and smug. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I sounded pathetic. But I smiled, looking down and pulling some lint from my shirt–it was a blue Ralph Lauren polo.

“And–not to be rude, cuz I swear I love you–you’re way nicer.”

I scoffed, “What does that mean?”

“When you came down you were, like, this prima donna, self-absorbed brat. Now you’re…not.”

I laughed, thought it was kind of more annoyed than humored.

“But, don’t worry–you’re not totally suburbia yet.”

I smiled, fixing my hair and trying to avoid Annie’s gaze. But I could see her smiling. Then she just came closer and pushed her face in front of mine.

“Are you so excited?”

I smiled but I didn’t say anything. Then my cell buzzed and I hurried out of the bathroom. Annie just giggled. I blushed. It was Jason. He told me he couldn’t give me a ride because he had a dentist appoinment. Then he asked if we were still on. I told him that I hadn’t been able to find a replacement, so yeah. He laughed. Then he said something that made me want to jump up on my bed and danced. I’d never had that urge before.

“Well, stay beautiful–see you in english.”

Then he hung up and I swallowed my squeal. I could feel Annie watching me, leaning against the hall wall. I just turned calmly around, pretending it had been nothing. She just rolled her eyes and said we’d be late and started to walk off. I took one last look in the mirror and I heard Annie’s voice float down the hall. “You look great–as always–so hurry up.”

I laughed and pranced after her–I even stopped to say bye to Cadence. She laughed and then Annie just sighed, pulling me after her and mumbling about how the side-affects of boyfriends were so not cool.

The first half of school passed in a blur–a giggly, sparkly sort of blur. My jaw started to hurt from all the smiling, but I couldn’t stop. When I tried my lip would sort of twitch until I let it go again. English was almost annoying. I was there early and Todd was too. But he sat in front so I didn’t have to talk to him–thankfully.

I bent down to fix my Louboutin heel and then suddenly Jason was sitting next to me, a smile spread across his face.

“Do you think we’re moving too fast?”

“Excuse me?” I asked, oddly uncomfortbale.

“I mean, we don’t have to go out tonight–we’ve hung out a lot lately and I dunno if you’re…comfortable with that or not.”

I stared at him, my face grimacing, wondering if it was a joke. His eeys sparkled, but his look was dead serious. And my stomach dropped.

“No, I’m…comfortable.”

“Excited?” he asked, leaning closer.

“Yes.”

Then he laughed. “Good! Just wanted to hear you say it.”

I rolled my eyes, trying to remember how to breathe. But I smiled. And then I heard Todd snort, but jason seemed oblivious. He just laughed and leaned back in his seat. “Your face…”
I just hit his arm and pulled my book out of my bag, trying to hide my blush. But he bent down again. “I’m glad–that you got nervous, I mean.”

I bit my lip, trying hard to play it cool but failing miserably. Suddenly Todd jumped back next to his brother, sitting in the desk next to him just as the teacher closed the door and started taking role.

“So, Jason, are we going to hang out tonight–like we planned.”

I knew it wasn’t directed to me, but I still listened. Jason seemed to get uncomfortable.

“Uh, no–told you I made other plans.”

Todd seemed to laugh, “Oh–just wanted to hear you say it.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. Jason just mocked his brother’s laugh and kicked him. But Todd just smiled.

“So, should we double.”

Suddenly I didn’t want to laugh anymore.

“What?” I said; I couldn’t help it–it just fell out.

Jason looked awkwardly between us both. “Uh…wasn’t planning on it.”

“Oh, come on!” Todd laughed, pushing his hand quickly through his hair. “It’d be fun. besides, too much of you could kill Brooke.”

I didn’t say anything, but my mouth filled with venom. Jason just rolled his eyes and the teacher told Todd to please shut up and listen. He did for a few seconds and then leaned back to his brother. “Pretty please?”

My eyes darted to Jason, suddenly nervous about the night.

“You don’t even have a girlfriend.” jason argued under his breath.

“Last time I checked, neither did you.” Todd bantered back. I just blushed, hoping they didn’t notice I was listening.

“That’s different–besides, I just meant who would you take.”

“Brooke can hook me up with someone.”

And surprisingly I smiled. I turned to face them both, smiling as I told Jason it was fine. That I totally had someone in mind and it would be fun. Jason knew I was scheming and not entirely serious, but he just smiled and said fine. Todd looked warily at me.

“You know you weren’t exactly part of that conversation.”

I just smiled, “Yeah, well, you’re welcome. I understand it’s hard for you to part from your big brother, so I’ll make it easy. I have just the girl and, like you said, it’ll be fun.”

Todd made a face at me and warned me to play nice. I just smiled and then looked at Jason. He looked comfortable and fine with the idea; he just thanked me for looking out for his baby brother and then he winked at me.

Then class started and she lectured for what seemed like forever and then Jason offered me a ride home and I took it. He told me that whatever happened to night–I caused it. His brother, he said, wasn’t the most gentleman-like. I just laughed and told him it would be fine–I didn’t wanna cause a family rift anyway. Then he told me he’d pick me–and whoever else–at seven.

I went in to the house and waited for Annie to come home. When she did, I pulled her in my room and just smiled. She looked awkwardly around.

“Hi to you too.”

I laughed and then just spilled it all out. I guess I made a huge mess of it though cuz she stopped me and told me to start over. I just sighed and asked how she’d like to go on a date.

She went quiet and just stared at me. “Uh, you guys aren’t even together and you wanna break up with him?”

“No! We have to double.”

“Well, who am I supposed to take?”

“No–Todd! He’s taking you!”

She almost stopped breathing. “Wait–Todd asked me out? Me?”

“Well, sort of.”

She didn’t hear; she just jumped from the bed and grinned at me. “Todd the hottie is taking me on a date? Holy friggin cow, Brooke! I love you!” And then she started like running and jumping and spinning around for, like, five seconds. Then she stopped and stared at the mirror.

“What am i supposed to wear? He’s gorgeous!”

MY eyes darted to my closet. I couldn’t even believe what I said, but I didn’t stop myself.

“You can borrow something of mine.”

She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me, recognizing the hugeness of the offer. “Are you dead serious? Won’t that like kill you? I mean, I ask about a bag and you give me dagger eyes.”

I just laughed, “Yeah–dead serious. I never had a barbie, so you’ll be my barbie–just for tonight.”

“Okay!” she squealed, starting to jump again. I told her I had to get her ready so I could have time to get ready too. So she stepped aside and let me into my closet. I got her some Kensie; favorite ever. It was a dress my dad had bought–I wouldn’t guess he actually chose it–for my birthday the year before. It was a gorgeous gray silk shantung dress that looked fabulous on Annie and she just barely fit. The teal peep-toed heels were perfectly adorable and the only issue was Annie’s hair. It was frizzy; the curls had died through the day and the wet florida air combined with the florida sun absolutely killed it. I made her shower and start over. Then I pinned her bangs back in a poof; complete with a teal headband. And by the time I finished her makeup she looked totally different. I was so happy to just wipe all her make-up off. I was finding out, in suburbia, make-up was a mask. So I wasted no time in lightening it up and going au natural. She was just as surprised as me. Plus her hair was drying slower and therefore darker.

Cadence walked in and gasped, with some sort of sad/happy look where she got all sappy about her little girl growing up. I just smiled and then started on myself. Which was actually harder than I thought it would be. I found myself second guessing. Annie finally helped me decide on one of my Dolce and Gabbana dresses and I paired it with my black footless tights. I smoked up my eyes and by the time it was seven we were both giddy on the couch by the window.

Cadence threatened to get out her camera but I think my grimaced look of despise discouraged her. Annie was too giggly to even register anything that was said. She just rambled about how nervous she was and how excited she was and how hot he was and how much she loved me. I suppose I was kind of happy about it. Her…hyperness relaxed me–or at least distracted me. In fact when I saw that shiny, gorgeous car pull up I didn’t even scream. I just smiled.