It was February when things started getting weird. That’s right; I had survived an entire month. But then February came and it got harder—in a different way. Jason was supposed to drive me to school but he calls that morning and says he’s sick, that Todd was going to drive. Annie was right there, waiting to go to the bus and seeing if I was coming or not. And Jason was on the other line, asking if I still wanted a ride; this time with Todd.
I didn’t really like Todd. He had been nothing but rude to me—and Jason. But I hated the bus. A lot. So I said yes, to Jason. He laughed and told me fine, but I better be prepared. Like I knew what that meant. I wish I had, I probably wouldn’t have gone.
Annie ran out the door and Cadence said bye and left to work. I still had no idea what she did. But Todd was late. And he honked. That’s when I knew it was going to be a long drive, I just had no idea how awful it would turn out.
“Don’t worry, I steam-cleaned the seat before I came.” was how he greeted me. I gave him a smile and thanked him sarcastically. He just laughed and turned up the music, which happened to be my favorite band. So I asked if he liked it, he didn’t answer. He just looked at me from the corner of his eye and turned it up louder. Surprisingly that made me laugh. It was a comfortable moment. I loved that song and hadn’t heard it since New York and it felt almost like I was home. Except the sky was blue and the air was wet and Todd was by my side and there was no traffic and I wasn’t wearing a uniform. But it was still nice. And I hummed along quietly till the song was over.
“You know what; you actually are kind of surprising.” He said as he turned the music down.
I laughed, starting to feel uncomfortable again. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“I just didn’t know a girl like you could have good taste in music.”
I scoffed, “You think you have better taste than me? I’ve helped make bands big. I bet I can list bands you’ve never heard of.”
He stared at me and then told me to try. So I started listing every band—big and underground—that I absolutely loved. And every one of them, he knew. It started to get annoying, especially when he said they weren’t that good or reminded me of others. But, still, I had to give him credit. I never expected him to like a lot of those bands. But he did. And he thought it was so weird, that I knew so much.
“I can’t believe it—here I thought you were so…uncool.”
I looked at him, totally irritated. “Why are you so against me?”
He scowled and stared ahead, pressing harder on the gas and going a bit faster. “Now where would you get an idea like that?” he asked, disdain dripping.
I just rolled my eyes, determined to beat him up. “So I wasn’t in the mood for some annoying, pointless suburbia chat that first day—big deal! You always going to hold that against me? Its like every time you see me with Jason, you freak out—like I’m not good enough for him or something.”
“Yeah—it’s all about you, huh, Brooke? News flash—it’s not.” He shouted, but his voice wasn’t angry, it was more…disgruntled. And it threw me off.
I went quiet and just stared at him for a second. He continued, but more quietly. “Besides, It’s not…you necessarily that bugs me with…Jason. It’s…. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Just get out and see if you can make it a day without breaking m brothers jaw. It should be easy considering he’s not here.”
He pulled sharply into the parking lot and screeched to a halt by a door. But I was angry.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Breaking a jaw?” he asks, being purposely annoying, “Well—”
“No, I mean the other part—what is bugging you if it’s not me? Cuz—trust me—it’s obvious something is.”
“It’s just you guys…together. Its sick and weird—“
I scoffed, my jaw dropping, “What the freak—are you jealous?”
He didn’t say anything, but the air suddenly seemed tight. His face flamed and he started clenching the steering wheel. But he wouldn’t look at me. And I suddenly got this really weird feeling in my stomach. But then I was just exasperated. Especially as the late bell rang. So I got out and slammed the door shut, wishing somehow his hand had been there. No luck. And then I stormed to my classroom which actually turned out to be the wrong period, but I didn’t care enough to be embarrassed. I just wished the hours away, still fuming at the conversation and accusations. Mostly because I had this idea and I was about a hundred percent sure I was right. I thought about every look, every word—or lack there of—and every moment I’d ever spent with or near that kid and I started to think that he liked me. The idea made me want to die. Die in a horrible bathe-in-gasoline-go-crawl-in-a-hole-and-light-a-match kind of way. I felt dirty, physically ill, and uncomfortable at the idea. But there was something else there too, something that made it all the more worse. I felt flustered and anxious, like I never wanted to see him again. Which was weird because, usually when I despise someone, I want to get close enough to strangle the kid. But now I just wanted to run—run and hide. Even the thought of seeing Jason got awkward.
That day didn’t pass quickly enough. Whenever I saw Todd, I looked the other way. I didn’t talk to him at all and I rode the bus home—I didn’t even tell him I didn’t need a ride. But I think he caught on pretty quick.
Annie knew I was being weird, but she didn’t ask anything, which was relieving. I just went in my room, shut the door, and screamed into my pillow. I’d never done that before. But it felt good. Cadence coming in and freaking out, asking what was wrong was a bad side-effect though. I just told her I had a lot of stuff due and it had just gotten stressful. But then she sat down next to me and pet my back. She asked if it was about Jason. I shot up quickly, suddenly venomous.
I told her to get out; that just because we shared the same genes didn’t make her my mother–where had she been for eighteen years? I started yelling things that I hadn’t thought about in a month. I told her that my living in her awful house didn’t mean I wanted her to come in a pretend she knew my life story. We were still strangers and I didn’t ever want her to touch me and pretend to comfort me, a girl she had ignored till she felt obligated to house me. I felt numb as the words fell from my mouth. Her eyes got all wide and stunned and I could see Annie standing in the middle of the hall staring in the same way. But I just scowled, breathless and hot.
Cadence stood slowly and I could see her eyes turning wet, but I honestly didn’t care. And as the door closed, I just fell back on my pillow and started crying again. It was all really weird. Because I could remember being so happy to be here just yesterday, and now I wanted to do nothing but run away.
I was blubbering, a mess of angry tears. I could hear the clanking of plates and I knew Cadence and Annie were having dinner, but I didn’t get up. Instead I called Melanie.
A man answered the phone and I could hear Melanie giggle in the background as she asked who it was. I quickly asked if I could talk to Melanie. The guy laughed and then handed the phone over.
“Melanie?” I asked, trying to clear my throat of the tears.
“Yeah, who’s this?” she said, her voice giggling. I could hear the guy in the background–but he wasn’t talking.
“It’s Brooke–can we talk?”
I heard her sigh, laughing and only half-haring me as the guy was nibbling on her ear. I felt sick–that’s not a cool sound.
“What? Sorry, uh…not exactly the best time.” Another airy laugh. “I’m…in a meeting–with my boss.”
“I wasn’t borne yesterday.” I said, completely angry, “You can tell me you’re too busy getting laid–it’s not your first try at a promotion; I know how it works.”
Suddenly her laughing stopped. I could almost feel her sit up. “What the hell is your problem, Brooke?” But it wasn’t a worried question, it was annoyed.
“Is this one married?” I asked, just as bitterly.
“Oh, grow up Brooke. Life’s not unicorns and rainbows. So sue me for trying to make it somewhere. Not all of us are born to millionaires who forget their daughters names and get away with it by handing them some plastic.”
“Leave my dad out of this.”
“Out of what? You feel threatened?” she suddenly sounded like a nightmare. “You really think your dad loved you? Even if he did, how did you repay him? By crying the day he died? You don’t care! The only reason you cry is because you had to leave your suite behind and go to a place where popularity isn’t based on cash. And now you’re finding it a little harder to get by. The little princess wants daddy to come down and save her. News flash: I’m not your daddy and I’m not gonna save you.”
Suddenly she laughed over the phone again, and that’s when I knew she really didn’t care.
“Melanie, I don’t ever want to talk to you again.” She scoffed. “I loved my dad, and he loved me–so why don’t you get out bed and grow up yourself.”
She didn’t laugh. “You really do think your dad was perfect. Who do you think remembered your birthday’s? Who do you think reminded him of your different events? Who bought the gifts, who wrote the cards? Who constantly had to persuade him to make room in his schedule on saturday mornings? It wasn’t him, honey.” She chuckled viciously, “And you know what, I did it to him and he seemed to like it. But you can bet I wasn’t the only one.” She laughed again, “Like it did him any good; he went and got in a car wreck on his way home one night.”
I just dropped the phone, willing myself not to crush it under my foot. I was suddenly more than angry, I was hurt. I felt cut at and bruised and really, really alone. That’s when the tears started to fall. And they weren’t hot.
Everything seemed to hit me at once–how Melanie had treated me, what she had said about my dad, Cadence’s eyes, Annie’s stare, Todd’s opinion. In the least, the day had sucked. But now it was a prison of pain that I couldn’t find a way out of. I started shaking, my tears turning into sobs. The air seemed tight; I couldn’t breathe. I started screaming, just trying to get air in and out of my lungs. But it was quiet, as if the whole room was suffocating and I couldn’t move. My memories became my enemies–they taunted me. Every memory of my dad, New York, Melanie. All the moments with Jason, Annie, even cadence. It was like the whole world was laughing at me and I couldn’t get away. I started to feel lightheaded and fuzzy. I could feel my fists clench around nothing, my nails digging into my flesh, but I couldn’t loosen them. I faintly heard worried calls from the hall. Then the door was flung open and arms started grabbing me. But I couldn’t relax. I still shook, and I still breathed out screams. Then I was suddenly gone, but that blackness wasn’t peace.
When I woke up, Cadence was screaming above me, telling someone to call 911. I tried to shake my head; I was fine. But Cadence just pinned me to the bed and told me to not move. But I wanted to–I needed to. So I threw her off me and told her to just let me breathe. She seemed to catch on that I was no longer shaking; even my fists were unclenched. That’s when I realized it had only been seconds since I’d feinted. But it had seemed like hours. Annie stood in the door frame, staring at me like I was some sort of monster. I just took a deep breath, staring at the ground and starting to rub my temples.
Cadence cursed under her breath. “You better tell me what the crap that was about. I don’t care if you hate me.”
I looked at her, suddenly embarrassed.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered.
She seemed to catch on that I wasn’t talking about what had just happened. I meant earlier, what I had said to her. I needed some form of stability, someone who could make me breathe again. She was the closest option. She sighed, mumbling about how weird teenagers are. I just fell back on the bed and started talking. I’m sure I made absolutely no sense, but neither of them said a word. They just listened.
I told them about Melanie–how she looked at men, what she did to get what she wanted. I told them about dad and what Melanie had said about him. I admitted that I had no reason not to believe her, there was no proof that my dad had loved me. I even talked about what Cadence had admitted to me, about her marriage to my dad. I talked about how today had sucked–I didn’t say why–and how much both worlds I’d ever lived in sucked.
By the end, their faces had given up expressing emotion. They almost looked stoned. Neither moved and neither spoke. Finally I just fell in Cadence’s lap and sobbed. That seemed to wake them up. Annie was immediately next to me, placing her face by mine and willing me to stop crying. She told me it was all right, that they really did love me–even if no one else had. That seemed to backfire on her, cuz I just cried harder. Cadence whispered to Annie, asking her to leave, which she immediately did.
Cadence sat me up, pulling me off her lap and into her arms. I eventually stifled my sobs and the tears slid silently down. Then she started talking.
“People aren’t perfect. Sometimes people do stupid things. Just look at me–I’ve do stupid stuff all the time. I left you, hurt you, I hurt your father, I sticked with Annie’s father for way to long…I….I’m a mess.” She shook her head against mine but continued, “And sometimes people are just stupid. Like Melanie. Well, I don’t really know her, so I shouldn’t say that but…she seemed stupider than a cow to me.”
I laughed sadly, and I suddenly felt at home.
“But the thing is, life can suck sometimes. We all just have to learn to deal–in different ways. I know being here, for you, isn’t ideal. I know exactly what kind of life you’re coming from. I’ve been there. That world can be…crazy. But I’ll tell you this,” she pulled my face up to look at her, “your father was a good man. And, even if he did do stupid things, wouldn’t it be better to remember him as we knew him?”
Her eyes were sad and a single tear slipped out. But that one tear was as if a dam of broken dreams had been unleashed.
“You loved him, didn’t you–even after you left.”
She stared at me, not answering for a solid moment. Then she just smiled. “I guess so.” She sighed, a sort of sad realization. “It’s hard not to, isn’t it?”
I sat up, wiping my face, “I wouldn’t know. He really wasn’t ever a major part of my life. But it still hurt to lose him.”
“Of course it did. You don’t have to be glued to a person to care enough to cry when they go. And he was your father, he was there. And if what Melanie said was true, he was lucky. To have such a wonderful girl forced upon him.”
I rolled my eyes, “You don’t even know me–wonderful isn’t one of my adjectives.”
She looked at me sadly, “Brooke, I know I haven’t been there for you–at all, really. But I know that when you stepped off that plane, you were mourning for lost comfort and riches. Now you’re mourning for lost emotional connections. That’s a big change for anyone. That’s wonderful. I’ve seen you, in a single month, become someone completely different. Life sucked for you and you’re dealing. You should be proud of that.
“And I know I’m not all a mother should be; I’m not expecting you to love me–I’m fine with you calling me Cadence. But I hope you know, I am trying to be here for you. I want to be more than just your guardian. I want to at least have your trust–I love you and I am so proud that we share the same gene pool.” Then she smiled, and pulled me back in her arms. And I hugged her. I don’t really hug people. Hugs are weird. But not with Cadence, it was…safe.
She laughed, saying that I’d almost given her a heart-attack with all that screaming. I apologized. And she got up, telling me I needed to get some sleep. But, as she opened the door, she turned back to me, her eyes twinkling. “Besides, life can’t be too bad with man candy like Jason.”
I laughed quietly, sitting awkwardly still as the door closed and I was left alone. I kept looking at my phone and finally picked it up. There was a text from Jason. “I missed your face today 
Stay Beautiful.”
I finally, totally and happily, smiled–no reservations. I didn’t reply or anything though. I was too tired and I wanted to fall asleep with a smile–dreams are better that way. So I slipped under my covers, not even worrying about wrinkling my True Religion or my Nicholai. I guess Cadence was right, I really had changed.
