Life August 22, 2008

Whining,
Crying,
Sobbing.

Pain,
misery,
loss.

The world has
never
been so
dark.

Death,
Violence,
despair.

Anger,
betrayal,
Vengeance.

We survive, using the
excuse;
it’s just
life.

My Last Wish June 20, 2008

If I were to die tomorrow,
what would you say
of me?
Would you mention
my dirty-dishwater hair?
Or my emerald green eyes?
Would you go deeper?
Dig farther?
There is no way to hide
the me that I am—I hope you won’t try.
This is me;
The sarcasm,
The teasing
laugh.
I’m the one who
growls in the morning,
Laughs at night.
I have rough edges,
bent corners.
My life is a book of
Coffee stains
And doggy-eared corners.
Its been opened and closed,
Abused
and ignored.
There are dark moments
And sunny times.
I have tasted the 101 flavors of ice cream;
Seen the sunrises and twilights.
I can be loud yet shy,
Outspoken and opinionated.
I’m sure I have my enemies,
Just as I have my friends.
If I am to die,
I pray all will be seen.
Not just the good,
For the bad makes me up as well.
I am no line,
I am a person of many sides.
There are pieces to me
that have yet been fit to the puzzle.
Don’t hide any of it
When I die.
I want to be remembered as me:
Imperfect,
Struggling,
Laughing,
Joking,
Crying,
Sensitive,
Smiling.
There are
so many sides,
I know it’s hard
to mention it all.
But this is my last wish:
that I remain me—even in death.
Do not hide a side;
Do not forget a moment.
I’m happy to be me;
I pray you’ll be happy to remember me.
All of me.

Good Morning, Sunshine March 31, 2008

I was born in upper manhattan; I was one of those private school snobs who had not only a car but a driver and whose school lunch was catered by a five star bistro. It was the high life and I enjoyed it. I loved the parties, the designer closets; I could even deal with fake friends–as long as I was the hottest. Life was good. I had a whole suite to myself–my father lived a floor down. He was single; mom had ran off with some private masseuse after I was born, or so the story goes. I didn’t really ever care. If I could buy a dress just for kicks, not worry about credit cards or school and have a maid who doubled as a medi/pedi genius, I was good. But, just to clarify, I wasn’t the snobbiest of the snobs. I actually called my dad, dad. I smiled at strangers and recognized the existence of my cook and maid. I was actually one of the strangest of my friends. And acquaintances. Dad and I were even close. Every saturday he wasn’t out of the country, we’d have breakfast together. I remember once he was in California and had a jet sent over for me. He never missed it as long as we were in the US of A. And it was fun; sometimes even inexpensive. We didn’t have to go to the classiest restaurant or the finest of the fine. I could deal with Denny’s if it was with my dad. I really did love him. I didn’t have a boyfriend because none of them could measure up to him. He was fine with that; said boyfriends were overrated. Life was good for me and I was happy with every bit of it. Then the accident happened.

I can still remember my dad’s secretaries voice over the phone. It was quiet. And Melanie was never quiet. It was at school and the first time I didn’t answer. But by the second call I knew it was important. And I answered. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t; maybe then he would have been at home waiting for me. But I answered. And Melanie said there had been in an accident in Rome; a car accident. I remember asking if he was okay; if I could talk to him. That’s when she started crying. “He didn’t make it.” was all she said. That’s when I dropped the phone and slid down the wall. That was the first time in my perfect life I’d ever really cried. It hurt. And I soon discovered it wouldn’t be the last of the pain or even the least.

Somehow I got home and I just sat on my bed, completely stunned and suddenly alone. There was no one who cared. When friends texted asking where I was and I told them, the messages would stop. Well, one kid asked if I could still make it to a party. I didn’t answer. Instead I threw my phone against the door, curled up in a ball, and cried. That week passed in a blur; the funeral plans were arranged by Melanie, my school excused me thanks to Melanie and it was melanie who left me be. I could take are of myself. I didn’t eat and I hardly slept, but I could have if I wanted. It just hurt too much. It was that saturday that killed. I woke to the preset alarm only to remember breakfast would not be happening; the funeral had been yesterday. He was gone; he was buried and gone. That was the day I had to go over the will. So I actually got dressed and answered the door. melanie was there with two other dull looking people. It was silent as they pulled out papers and Melanie just sat beside me, holding my hand.

The money was all left to me; I got the company shares and the private jet. All the personal items belonged to me; everyhting was given to me. Except my house. That’s when confusion really set in. The hotel would not accept a suite to be paid for by a minor, even if I could afford it.

“What? Are you friggin kidding me?” I asked, totally annoyed. This was my house–I had lived here my whole life. Melanie tried to shush me and the two stiffs fidgeted uncomfortably.

“No–No, I assure you we hardly…kid. Uh, yes, it says right here-the home is not yours; it could not be placed int he will for your age.”

“I’ll be eighteen in june! That’s six months from now! I pretty much live on my own anyway!”

They once again stared at me, their eyes wide and cheeks flushed. “That may be true,” they mumbled, “But until then; until you become an adult, I’m afraid legal requirements make it impossible to live alone. You need an adult–”

“That will be me.” Melanie said, wrapping her arm around me. I always did like Melanie. But the stiffs just shook their head.

“No-no, sorry Ms. That’s not what it say here. A guardian was named in this instance and, unless you are a Miss Jamie Varsden–”

“That’s impossible.” i said, really getting annoyed. “That was my grandmother. She died almost ten years ago.”

“Are you sure?” one of them finally mumbled, searching through their papers as if for proof. I just nodded my head, ready to pummel one of them.

“Right. Well, then, by legal law, if a guardian is unnamed or unfit to take guardianship as is the case, it seems, here, we fall to the next relative.”

I just scoffed, my head rubbing my temples. Melanie just leaed closer, as angry as I. She was the closest family I had.

“Listen–that may be the usual case, but Brooke doesn’t have any family; I am the closest thing and we were so sure she would stay with me.”

“No–no; It specifies right here, written by the father’s hand, she is to stay with a family member.”

Melanie and I were both shocked. “When was this written?” she asked incredulously.

“Uh…twelve years ago. To this very day, in fact.”

“Whatever–he didn’t know me then! Obviously the wants have changed. He even told me once that–”

“Now, let me explain something to you both. I am just here to make sure a man’s legal wishes and obligations are fulfilled. This is what he wrote, signed and agreed to! If he wished to changed it, he very well could have. Now this is what there is, and there is no changing it! By law, this is how it must lay out. Is there a family member? An aunt, uncle…mother.”

I looked at Melanie helplessly. “He was an only child, I don’t think anyone’s alive on his side. And….”

Melanie sighed, placing her hands on her lap and staring at the two others. “There is no family, there is no ties. It would then, legally, fall to some other person to care for her for these next six months. A voluteer, maybe. And that, I assure you, will be me. I’m the closest emotional tie she has!”

The man looked at her, “If there were no ther possible family ties, that would be the case. But surely he wouldn’t place such specific requirements if he was just relying on a grandmother. Is there someone on the mother’s side?”

Melanie was now past aggravation. “She doesn’t know her mother! her mother walked out on her and its highly doubtful she’d accept her into her selfish life now! Brooke had n one but her father and me; now, just me!”

“No–if there is a mother we will have to summon her and see if he agrees.

“But she won’t! We don’t even know where she lives or what her position is like. She could be living in alaska with some pack of starving children! She is hardly fit to care for Brooke!”

I just stared, completely in shock at what was happening. My mother? I didn’t think so. father would never be that cruel to mean for it to happen this way. Melanie was right.

“Don’t I get a say in any of this?” The two men looked at me, as if surprised to realize I was present. And they both answered with a quick no.

“If the mother says No, you will certainly be more apt to receive custody.” Melanie sat back down. “But if she agrees, the child must live with the mother.”

“What?” we both screamed. I didn’t know where that was, but I knew it wasn’t Manhattan. “You have got to be kidding me.”

They seemed tired of that question because they just rolled their eyes, snapped their cases shut and said they’d be in touch. Melanie just sat with me, as surprised as I.

“This will be alright; your mother ill obviously say no–she couldn’t handle it if she wanted. You’ll stay with me, you’ll see. We can even stay here if you’d like.”

‘Isn’t that like way above you non-existent pay grade?”

She smiled, “Well, you’d be paying. You know you have enough. God, I never knew he had so much!”

I laughed and fell onto her lap. “Yeah-I’d so rather pay the bills than go meet mom. What’s her name anyway?”

“It’s Cadence; Cadence Manes.”

“How awful–I hope I never ever have to say that. Way worse than Melanie.”

She just laughed. But I cried. I never knew I could not want a mom so much.

Melanie stayed as long as she could–which was about half an hour–then she had to run to a job interview. That left me in a house which was no longer my house, filled with things that it would no longer be filled with and memories that would not leave me be. Deep down inside I knew I was about to be taken away; it was bound to happen. I don’t think even my mother would have the guts to say no to a practically orphaned child. She must feel guilty or something; something would make her desperate enough to say yes and I’d be taken far, far away. I could feel it. I just didn’t realize how far it really would be.

The call came the next wednesday. melanie had ordered me some food, but had had to run out again. But I answered and a timid voice was on the other line. She asked if Brooke was there. I said this was her. The woman just gasped and I could feel her get all emotional on the other line. “You sound so grown-up.” she whispered. That’s when I knew it was her. I said, “Well it has been what, nearly eighteen years since you left? I hope I sound a bit different.” I was surprisingly angry. I’d never really cared about my mom, but i guess something in side me cared enough to want to scream.

It was silent on the other line for a few seconds. then, “I am sorry. I never meant–”

“Save it.” i said, but I didn’t hang up. When she realized that, she continued, “I heard about your dad. And the will. Quite a surprise, huh?”

“You mean my dad dying or the will?” I spit it out, her voice making me more and more angry. She didn’t answer.

“But, uh, I guess you’ll be coming and living with me. Down here.” Suddenly I wasn’t mad; i was scared.

“Where is that?” I whispered, my heart beating madly.

“Oh–you’ll love it! Florida!”

My heart nearly stopped. “What?” I asked, never realizing it could be so far.

“Florida, you know, the sunshine state.”

Holy help-me’s filled my mind, soul and prayers. I suddenly wanted to crawl in a hole and die. It seemed like that was where I was heading anyway. Florida! Kill me, please.

– to be continued –