Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 11 April 27, 2008

It was February when things started getting weird. That’s right; I had survived an entire month. But then February came and it got harder—in a different way. Jason was supposed to drive me to school but he calls that morning and says he’s sick, that Todd was going to drive. Annie was right there, waiting to go to the bus and seeing if I was coming or not. And Jason was on the other line, asking if I still wanted a ride; this time with Todd.

I didn’t really like Todd. He had been nothing but rude to me—and Jason. But I hated the bus. A lot. So I said yes, to Jason. He laughed and told me fine, but I better be prepared. Like I knew what that meant. I wish I had, I probably wouldn’t have gone.

Annie ran out the door and Cadence said bye and left to work. I still had no idea what she did. But Todd was late. And he honked. That’s when I knew it was going to be a long drive, I just had no idea how awful it would turn out.

“Don’t worry, I steam-cleaned the seat before I came.” was how he greeted me. I gave him a smile and thanked him sarcastically. He just laughed and turned up the music, which happened to be my favorite band. So I asked if he liked it, he didn’t answer. He just looked at me from the corner of his eye and turned it up louder. Surprisingly that made me laugh. It was a comfortable moment. I loved that song and hadn’t heard it since New York and it felt almost like I was home. Except the sky was blue and the air was wet and Todd was by my side and there was no traffic and I wasn’t wearing a uniform. But it was still nice. And I hummed along quietly till the song was over.

“You know what; you actually are kind of surprising.” He said as he turned the music down.

I laughed, starting to feel uncomfortable again. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I just didn’t know a girl like you could have good taste in music.”

I scoffed, “You think you have better taste than me? I’ve helped make bands big. I bet I can list bands you’ve never heard of.”

He stared at me and then told me to try. So I started listing every band—big and underground—that I absolutely loved. And every one of them, he knew. It started to get annoying, especially when he said they weren’t that good or reminded me of others. But, still, I had to give him credit. I never expected him to like a lot of those bands. But he did. And he thought it was so weird, that I knew so much.

“I can’t believe it—here I thought you were so…uncool.”

I looked at him, totally irritated. “Why are you so against me?”

He scowled and stared ahead, pressing harder on the gas and going a bit faster. “Now where would you get an idea like that?” he asked, disdain dripping.
I just rolled my eyes, determined to beat him up. “So I wasn’t in the mood for some annoying, pointless suburbia chat that first day—big deal! You always going to hold that against me? Its like every time you see me with Jason, you freak out—like I’m not good enough for him or something.”

“Yeah—it’s all about you, huh, Brooke? News flash—it’s not.” He shouted, but his voice wasn’t angry, it was more…disgruntled. And it threw me off.

I went quiet and just stared at him for a second. He continued, but more quietly. “Besides, It’s not…you necessarily that bugs me with…Jason. It’s…. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Just get out and see if you can make it a day without breaking m brothers jaw. It should be easy considering he’s not here.”

He pulled sharply into the parking lot and screeched to a halt by a door. But I was angry.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Breaking a jaw?” he asks, being purposely annoying, “Well—”

“No, I mean the other part—what is bugging you if it’s not me? Cuz—trust me—it’s obvious something is.”

“It’s just you guys…together. Its sick and weird—“

I scoffed, my jaw dropping, “What the freak—are you jealous?”

He didn’t say anything, but the air suddenly seemed tight. His face flamed and he started clenching the steering wheel. But he wouldn’t look at me. And I suddenly got this really weird feeling in my stomach. But then I was just exasperated. Especially as the late bell rang. So I got out and slammed the door shut, wishing somehow his hand had been there. No luck. And then I stormed to my classroom which actually turned out to be the wrong period, but I didn’t care enough to be embarrassed. I just wished the hours away, still fuming at the conversation and accusations. Mostly because I had this idea and I was about a hundred percent sure I was right. I thought about every look, every word—or lack there of—and every moment I’d ever spent with or near that kid and I started to think that he liked me. The idea made me want to die. Die in a horrible bathe-in-gasoline-go-crawl-in-a-hole-and-light-a-match kind of way. I felt dirty, physically ill, and uncomfortable at the idea. But there was something else there too, something that made it all the more worse. I felt flustered and anxious, like I never wanted to see him again. Which was weird because, usually when I despise someone, I want to get close enough to strangle the kid. But now I just wanted to run—run and hide. Even the thought of seeing Jason got awkward.

That day didn’t pass quickly enough. Whenever I saw Todd, I looked the other way. I didn’t talk to him at all and I rode the bus home—I didn’t even tell him I didn’t need a ride. But I think he caught on pretty quick.

Annie knew I was being weird, but she didn’t ask anything, which was relieving. I just went in my room, shut the door, and screamed into my pillow. I’d never done that before. But it felt good. Cadence coming in and freaking out, asking what was wrong was a bad side-effect though. I just told her I had a lot of stuff due and it had just gotten stressful. But then she sat down next to me and pet my back. She asked if it was about Jason. I shot up quickly, suddenly venomous.

I told her to get out; that just because we shared the same genes didn’t make her my mother–where had she been for eighteen years? I started yelling things that I hadn’t thought about in a month. I told her that my living in her awful house didn’t mean I wanted her to come in a pretend she knew my life story. We were still strangers and I didn’t ever want her to touch me and pretend to comfort me, a girl she had ignored till she felt obligated to house me. I felt numb as the words fell from my mouth. Her eyes got all wide and stunned and I could see Annie standing in the middle of the hall staring in the same way. But I just scowled, breathless and hot.

Cadence stood slowly and I could see her eyes turning wet, but I honestly didn’t care. And as the door closed, I just fell back on my pillow and started crying again. It was all really weird. Because I could remember being so happy to be here just yesterday, and now I wanted to do nothing but run away.

I was blubbering, a mess of angry tears. I could hear the clanking of plates and I knew Cadence and Annie were having dinner, but I didn’t get up. Instead I called Melanie.

A man answered the phone and I could hear Melanie giggle in the background as she asked who it was. I quickly asked if I could talk to Melanie. The guy laughed and then handed the phone over.

“Melanie?” I asked, trying to clear my throat of the tears.

“Yeah, who’s this?” she said, her voice giggling. I could hear the guy in the background–but he wasn’t talking.

“It’s Brooke–can we talk?”

I heard her sigh, laughing and only half-haring me as the guy was nibbling on her ear. I felt sick–that’s not a cool sound.

“What? Sorry, uh…not exactly the best time.” Another airy laugh. “I’m…in a meeting–with my boss.”

“I wasn’t borne yesterday.” I said, completely angry, “You can tell me you’re too busy getting laid–it’s not your first try at a promotion; I know how it works.”

Suddenly her laughing stopped. I could almost feel her sit up. “What the hell is your problem, Brooke?” But it wasn’t a worried question, it was annoyed.

“Is this one married?” I asked, just as bitterly.

“Oh, grow up Brooke. Life’s not unicorns and rainbows. So sue me for trying to make it somewhere. Not all of us are born to millionaires who forget their daughters names and get away with it by handing them some plastic.”

“Leave my dad out of this.”

“Out of what? You feel threatened?” she suddenly sounded like a nightmare. “You really think your dad loved you? Even if he did, how did you repay him? By crying the day he died? You don’t care! The only reason you cry is because you had to leave your suite behind and go to a place where popularity isn’t based on cash. And now you’re finding it a little harder to get by. The little princess wants daddy to come down and save her. News flash: I’m not your daddy and I’m not gonna save you.”

Suddenly she laughed over the phone again, and that’s when I knew she really didn’t care.

“Melanie, I don’t ever want to talk to you again.” She scoffed. “I loved my dad, and he loved me–so why don’t you get out bed and grow up yourself.”

She didn’t laugh. “You really do think your dad was perfect. Who do you think remembered your birthday’s? Who do you think reminded him of your different events? Who bought the gifts, who wrote the cards? Who constantly had to persuade him to make room in his schedule on saturday mornings? It wasn’t him, honey.” She chuckled viciously, “And you know what, I did it to him and he seemed to like it. But you can bet I wasn’t the only one.” She laughed again, “Like it did him any good; he went and got in a car wreck on his way home one night.”

I just dropped the phone, willing myself not to crush it under my foot. I was suddenly more than angry, I was hurt. I felt cut at and bruised and really, really alone. That’s when the tears started to fall. And they weren’t hot.

Everything seemed to hit me at once–how Melanie had treated me, what she had said about my dad, Cadence’s eyes, Annie’s stare, Todd’s opinion. In the least, the day had sucked. But now it was a prison of pain that I couldn’t find a way out of. I started shaking, my tears turning into sobs. The air seemed tight; I couldn’t breathe. I started screaming, just trying to get air in and out of my lungs. But it was quiet, as if the whole room was suffocating and I couldn’t move. My memories became my enemies–they taunted me. Every memory of my dad, New York, Melanie. All the moments with Jason, Annie, even cadence. It was like the whole world was laughing at me and I couldn’t get away. I started to feel lightheaded and fuzzy. I could feel my fists clench around nothing, my nails digging into my flesh, but I couldn’t loosen them. I faintly heard worried calls from the hall. Then the door was flung open and arms started grabbing me. But I couldn’t relax. I still shook, and I still breathed out screams. Then I was suddenly gone, but that blackness wasn’t peace.

When I woke up, Cadence was screaming above me, telling someone to call 911. I tried to shake my head; I was fine. But Cadence just pinned me to the bed and told me to not move. But I wanted to–I needed to. So I threw her off me and told her to just let me breathe. She seemed to catch on that I was no longer shaking; even my fists were unclenched. That’s when I realized it had only been seconds since I’d feinted. But it had seemed like hours. Annie stood in the door frame, staring at me like I was some sort of monster. I just took a deep breath, staring at the ground and starting to rub my temples.

Cadence cursed under her breath. “You better tell me what the crap that was about. I don’t care if you hate me.”

I looked at her, suddenly embarrassed.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

She seemed to catch on that I wasn’t talking about what had just happened. I meant earlier, what I had said to her. I needed some form of stability, someone who could make me breathe again. She was the closest option. She sighed, mumbling about how weird teenagers are. I just fell back on the bed and started talking. I’m sure I made absolutely no sense, but neither of them said a word. They just listened.

I told them about Melanie–how she looked at men, what she did to get what she wanted. I told them about dad and what Melanie had said about him. I admitted that I had no reason not to believe her, there was no proof that my dad had loved me. I even talked about what Cadence had admitted to me, about her marriage to my dad. I talked about how today had sucked–I didn’t say why–and how much both worlds I’d ever lived in sucked.

By the end, their faces had given up expressing emotion. They almost looked stoned. Neither moved and neither spoke. Finally I just fell in Cadence’s lap and sobbed. That seemed to wake them up. Annie was immediately next to me, placing her face by mine and willing me to stop crying. She told me it was all right, that they really did love me–even if no one else had. That seemed to backfire on her, cuz I just cried harder. Cadence whispered to Annie, asking her to leave, which she immediately did.

Cadence sat me up, pulling me off her lap and into her arms. I eventually stifled my sobs and the tears slid silently down. Then she started talking.

“People aren’t perfect. Sometimes people do stupid things. Just look at me–I’ve do stupid stuff all the time. I left you, hurt you, I hurt your father, I sticked with Annie’s father for way to long…I….I’m a mess.” She shook her head against mine but continued, “And sometimes people are just stupid. Like Melanie. Well, I don’t really know her, so I shouldn’t say that but…she seemed stupider than a cow to me.”

I laughed sadly, and I suddenly felt at home.

“But the thing is, life can suck sometimes. We all just have to learn to deal–in different ways. I know being here, for you, isn’t ideal. I know exactly what kind of life you’re coming from. I’ve been there. That world can be…crazy. But I’ll tell you this,” she pulled my face up to look at her, “your father was a good man. And, even if he did do stupid things, wouldn’t it be better to remember him as we knew him?”

Her eyes were sad and a single tear slipped out. But that one tear was as if a dam of broken dreams had been unleashed.

“You loved him, didn’t you–even after you left.”

She stared at me, not answering for a solid moment. Then she just smiled. “I guess so.” She sighed, a sort of sad realization. “It’s hard not to, isn’t it?”

I sat up, wiping my face, “I wouldn’t know. He really wasn’t ever a major part of my life. But it still hurt to lose him.”

“Of course it did. You don’t have to be glued to a person to care enough to cry when they go. And he was your father, he was there. And if what Melanie said was true, he was lucky. To have such a wonderful girl forced upon him.”

I rolled my eyes, “You don’t even know me–wonderful isn’t one of my adjectives.”

She looked at me sadly, “Brooke, I know I haven’t been there for you–at all, really. But I know that when you stepped off that plane, you were mourning for lost comfort and riches. Now you’re mourning for lost emotional connections. That’s a big change for anyone. That’s wonderful. I’ve seen you, in a single month, become someone completely different. Life sucked for you and you’re dealing. You should be proud of that.

“And I know I’m not all a mother should be; I’m not expecting you to love me–I’m fine with you calling me Cadence. But I hope you know, I am trying to be here for you. I want to be more than just your guardian. I want to at least have your trust–I love you and I am so proud that we share the same gene pool.” Then she smiled, and pulled me back in her arms. And I hugged her. I don’t really hug people. Hugs are weird. But not with Cadence, it was…safe.

She laughed, saying that I’d almost given her a heart-attack with all that screaming. I apologized. And she got up, telling me I needed to get some sleep. But, as she opened the door, she turned back to me, her eyes twinkling. “Besides, life can’t be too bad with man candy like Jason.”

I laughed quietly, sitting awkwardly still as the door closed and I was left alone. I kept looking at my phone and finally picked it up. There was a text from Jason. “I missed your face today Stay Beautiful.”

I finally, totally and happily, smiled–no reservations. I didn’t reply or anything though. I was too tired and I wanted to fall asleep with a smile–dreams are better that way. So I slipped under my covers, not even worrying about wrinkling my True Religion or my Nicholai. I guess Cadence was right, I really had changed.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 10 April 24, 2008

I did call him back–no worries. And it wasn’t awkward, it was…fun. We just talked. A lot about New York because he was going to go to school there. But I’m glad we did that on the phone, because it did kind of hurt. I missed the noise and the bustle of the city. The shopping, the art shows, the fashion capital–I even missed broadway. But it was still nice; talking with him. It kind of felt like home; like I was with my dad eating breakfast. And I don’t mean that creepy, I just mean in was comfortable and somehow familiar. Besides, dad was the only guy in my life to compare him to. And I did. And it came out good!

But, anyway, we spent a lot of time together that next week. He didn’t kiss me again, or even grab my hand. He was surprising. Whenever I expected a kiss, he wouldn’t give it. In a moment where he should of held my hand, he doesn’t. And I think a lot of it’s on purpose. Like he’s toying with me–in a good way–and making sure I stick around for him and not just for the kissing or whatever. But he was a good kisser and I sometimes just wanted to tell him to get over himself and kiss me again. But I didn’t. And he didn’t, though his eyes always twinkled mischieviously.

Annie thought it was the funniestt thing; to watch us. She wouldn’t bother us when he was over or when we sat together at school, but she would always watch with a smile and would fall into these awkward fit of giggles. And afterwards she’d be on me for details and gushing about how cute we were. I just laughed. And I did like it–all of it. And evweryone else seemed to like it or at least be fine with it. Half the school would watch our every move. Annie had let all her friends know about “us” and that just spread. I had never seen something explode through a group of people so fast. It’s like everyone knew and everyone was talking about it.

I discovered that week that jason had been number one on the school’s Hottest Bachelors list–yeah, they had one–but, by late monday he’d been taken off and we started climbing the Cutest Couples list. See, they had this whole non-official school site. Mostly loaded with gossip. It was ridiculously funny to look at. Annie worshipped it and always told me when something happened that she thought I should or would care about. I was number one on the Luckiest list. i thought it was because of Jason, but the anonymous comments said otherwise. They all talked about my clothes and hair and money and history. It was really weird. But cool; to be so popular without having to really do anything. And they had pictures–I don’t know where they got them. I printed the one they had of Jason and me. Which made me feel retarded, but it was cute. And I realized I liked being liked. And knowing I didn’t have to guard Jason from other girls was nice. The whole school seemed to be seriously happy for us–isn’t that weird?

Well, except Todd. He seemed to despise seeing us together. I gues I was stealing his brother away and he didn’t like it. But, whatever. He didn’t hang out with Annie again. He at least recognized her presence, which was actually enough for her. She was happy to just get a nod-of-the-head or a “wassup” as he walked down the hall. In fact, she told me he’d been kind of annoying on the date. Slightly zoned. But she hadn’t mind cuz, according to her, “Hello! He’s so hot!”. Still, it weird to go to Jason’s house with him because Todd would just stare icily at us. It really made it uncomfortable and even jason would tell him to bug off.

I went to his house for dinner one night and his mom was total ’stepford’ catalogue material. And I mean that in the nicest way. She was really sweet and even put my cook to shame with her homemade lasagna. But she was…prefect. In a realistic way. Unlike my NY friends mom’s who pretended everything was good but really they just played around with guys and got mani-pedi’s. But Jason’s mom was all smiles. She greeted me with a hug–wearing an apron and an oven mitt–and told me jason hadn’t been exagerating when he called me beautiful. That made jason blush and me laugh. Then she told me to hurry and make myself comfortable and sit down and ‘the husband’ should be home in a few and ‘Oh, you are just lovely’ and ‘Please call me karen’. It really made me laugh–it was so…unexpected. And when his dad came home it was even more surprising. He walked in and I could tell he was tired, but both Jason and Todd stood up and gave him a hug and I stood up because I didn’t know what else to do. He looked at me with a warm smile and said “So this is the girl who’s captured my son? Well, i think he’s the one who got the prize.” I just smiled as Jason came to my side. And that’s when he grabbed my hand–of all the times to do it; right in front of his dad! But he just smiled and winked jokingly at me. Then Karen came back in and started laughing and talking and telling Todd to hurry and go get Mary from next door. Mary was their little sister. She was seven and just as adorable as Jason. But I didn’t tell her that. We sat around at the dinner table and, as usual, someone brought up my clothes. It wasn’t even a big deal–just some DVF coso dress. But karen just had to tell me she loved it–that I was gorgeous. Everyone laughed. that’s how the whole evening went. laughing and joking. Mostly they just talked, and I listened. The parents told me stories about Jason and Todd. One was about jason convincing Todd to go to school as a girl on the first day. Todd didn’t think it was funny, but everyone else was laughing. Especially when they said the whole school fell for it. It was only when Mary yawned that the dinner ended. It was about nine. But before mary went off with her mom, she leaned over to me and asked seriously, “Do you love jason?” Awkward. I blushed like never before and would not look anyone in the eye. but no one else seemed uncomfortable. Karen pulled mary into her arms and said with a wink my way, “No, honey, loves yucky.”

Then Jason drove me home and finally kissed me. He whispered, “Love isn’t yucky to me.” and then I went inside and he drove off. It was all such a…culture shock, I just thought about it the rest of the night. It had been strangely fun and totally different than anything i had or could have imagined. But I liked it. And I was starting to see that jason was as random as his family–but in a good way.

The day after, jason couldn’t give me a ride, I rode the bus. And I was walking down to class and he suddenly appears next to me, grabs my hand, and kisses me on the cheek. I was surrounded by all of Annie’s friends. That was really awkward. I had no idea what to do, but he didn’t give me a chance to do anything. He just ran back down the hall. None of the girls said anything, they just stared and giggled under their breath. Annie would nudge me constantly and giggle and do this weird little dance, like she was happy for me. It was all so weird. But, I guess I was getting used to it. Because the next monday at lunch, I quickly sat down next to him and kissed him. But I did it on the lips–in front of his friends. And his brother. And I got a grasp as to why he did things so randomly and unexpected–it was fun. And it tasted better; or at least sweeter. There was always that split second where the other was too surprised to do anything, and that was the best part. So we started to constantly try and surprise each other. No one else seemed to appreciate that.

We were dropped a level in the stats. The anonymous voters said we were annoying. Someone even said that–and I quote–we were “so nasty; no one likes PDA–get a room and stop slobbering all over eachother and the entire school.” Which I thought was funny, but Annie just started screaming about how stupid jealous people were. That’s when i found out you had to pay $25 to become a member and participate in votes. And in order to even find the person to pay, you had to become connected to the “anonymous”, who no one really knew. But that was one thing I didn’t care about. I could have been at the bottom of that list and still gone after those kisses. Annie was right; they were just jealous. or they should be. Because those kisses were good–stolen or not.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 9 April 22, 2008

I was reading Vogue with Annie. Well, she was actually laughing at People Magazine; but we were both on the bed. It was late Saturday—hours after I kissed him. He hadn’t called. And I was still tingling. But Annie didn’t bring it up, neither did I. I just pretended to care about the celebrity gossip Annie was telling me about. Of course, once she found I had met the guy twice, she didn’t really care about the gossip. She wanted to know about his arms. But it all seemed sort of forced. And when my phone buzzed, the world seemed to freeze. Annie eyes got wide and she stared at me, mouth opened in mid-sentence. I wanted to roll my eyes and say it wasn’t a big deal. I really wanted to have the self-control to not reach over and grab it half-way through the second ring. But I didn’t. And I grabbed it. It was Cadence.

“Hey, Brooke! Are you with Annie—she isn’t answering her cell.”

I don’t know if I was relieved or heartbroken or annoyed. I just handed the phone to Annie and went back to my magazine. She fell back on the bed and started talking tiredly to her mom about laundry or something. I just flipped aimlessly through the pages, oblivious to things that would have been ripped out and put on my “necessary” list just weeks ago. I didn’t get depressed or even giddy when I saw the new Armani handbag I’d been dying for since Christmas. Melanie had admitted that dad was going to get it in Rome. But then he died. And I don’t think that really hurt my want for the bag. But still, I didn’t seem to care anymore.

Annie tossed the phone next to me when she was done. Automatically I picked it up and slid it open. There was no text—most of Manhattan had forgotten me—but there was a message. And my heart stopped beating.

“Did someone call while you were on?” I asked, trying to play it cool.

She just flipped onto her stomach, pulling the magazine to her face. “I dunno.”

I stared down at the blinking message. The pathetic part was, I didn’t want to touch it. But I did. And I put it to my ear slowly and leaned in to hear it. Annie noticed that I was no longer listening and she looked over at me. I guess I seemed kind of struck because she caught on that someone had called and that I was now listening to something juicy. Her whole face lit up and she crawled closer, biting her lip and giggling. I just waited, listening to my voice machine and waiting for it to jump to the message.

“Hey, uh, this is Jason.” And then his voice laughed. And I couldn’t help but smile. “Wow—this is awkward; not talking to you. Not that I’m talking to you, just…being on the phone and not talking directly.” I could almost see him blushing and it made me blush. Annie just smiled, leaning closer and trying to hear.

“Yeah, well I sound retarded. I’m usually a lot more suave.” Another chuckle. “Just another side-affect to…everything, I guess—but I’ll take it. Dang. I didn’t really call for any reason. I just wanted to hear your voice—I didn’t mean that as psycho as it sounded. Jeez, this message is a mess. Does your voice mail have a delete option? I think I’ll stop now…. Man, you’ve sent me into a tizzy.” A pause. “And I can’t believe I just said that. Kay, well, if you still have any respect for me after this—I hope you do—give me a call.” He breathed out and then laughed softly, “This is harder than I thought. I–…bye.”

And then it was done. And my smile just exploded across my face; I fell on my back laughing.

Annie started squealing and poking me, asking about what he said and what he wanted. But then the garage door went up and she cursed under her breath, jumping from the bed and shouting about some chore she hadn’t finished. I just smiled and smiled and smiled.

And it was weird. I’d never been so…happy. It was like my whole past life went dim to the ‘now’ I was living. I think that’s partly why I laughed. Just weeks ago, if I had met Jason in New York, I wouldn’t have cared. I probably would have given him the same treatment I’d given Todd. Or worse. Especially if he had been as nice as he was. I would have scowled at him—a wrinkle free scowl, mind you—and told him to get out of my way. And even if, just by chance, I had decided to give him a chance, I never would have started to go out with him. My dad had been my man. But if he’d miraculously gotten by that and I had decided to kiss him, it would have been a totally different relationship. I had seen my friend’s relationships. They were never about feelings, they were about material. The girls at my school would fight for the richest, even if they didn’t like him. And the guys liked it. They didn’t try and be nice; they didn’t have to. They’d come in Rolex’s and designer argyle with a hundred dollar hair cut and stand around till a hot girl walked by and then they’d pull out their wallets and ‘flash’ the money. If that didn’t work, they’d start bringing gifts—but not out of love. It was all about lust. In my world, chances were if you could afford a personal suite, you could get a girl in bed. I’d seen girls break up with guys because they wanted what another had. Friends would destroy friends to get the other girls man. If a guy started feeling for another girl, he would drop his girlfriend and go for it—even if it means another world war or the start of a vendetta. If there was ever a place to raise gold-digger’s, it was upper Manhattan. I’d been there. And now, here I was, giggling about a completely embarrassing message and thinking about the guy who had left it. It was kind of…weird.

Here I had spent my life with this one focus, or lack thereof, only to now have it totally changed. My dad had died, but I cried more when I found out I was being forced to Florida because of it. I had met people, seen things, been places that most people only dream of—and I hadn’t cared. I was more awed by a designer’s piece than I was by a sunset in France. Sitting there just made me think how…different I was. Here I was, living in the tiniest house ever built, with two strangers who I just recently met and who were related to me and who served frozen pea’s and fried chicken for dinner. I was going to a public school and sitting on a school bus and washing my clothes in machines. I hadn’t had a manicure in a month, I had lived without starbucks for more than a day and I had kissed a guy who liked me for me; who wanted me just because. It was the total opposite of my past life and I didn’t really care. Well, I missed my fashion shows and my apartment. I definitely missed my cook and New York, but I wasn’t dying. I was a totally different person. For one, I smiled a lot more. I learned how to bite down nasty remarks. I had shared my clothes with Annie. And it hadn’t even been a month. I was still stuck in a hot January, in the sunshine state, with another five ahead of me—with it only getting hotter. But, that phone call, I could take on anything—I felt on top of the world. So I just lay on my bed—cheap paisley and all—and smiled. For the first time, life was actually good.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 5 April 7, 2008

Do you realize how weird mondays are? But whatever. I woke up, put on something hot–as usual–and then left with Annie to the bus. She is a very…energetic person in the morning. Doesn’t even need coffee. She was talking and laughing with the guys as we waited for a bus. I just scowled and picked at my nails. I was in desperate need of a manicure.

Then the bus came. And I sat down across from Annie, still ignoring her chatter. The bus was about to pull off when–boom!–some guy thrusts his hand in and yells “Stop!”

It was Jason. I really wouldn’t have noticed except he was suddenly sitting next to me, laughing about how embarassing that had been. I just smiled, still totally confused as to why. Why, a lot of things actually. Why was he on the bus–never seen him before; why didn’t he get on with his brother; why was he now sitting with me; and why was everyone looking at me–and him–like we were aliens. Their eyes were all wide and I swear it went silent. But Jason didn’t notice, he just started talking. It actually kind of hurt my ear–the loud words biting almost. I like my quiet.

“Man, I haven’t been on a bus all year!” He looked around, “Now I know why.”

Suddenly Todd was by us, smacking his brother across the shoulder. “I can’t believe you.”

I didn’t know what to do, so I just smiled and looked away. But Jason wasn’t done. He told his brother–and me, sort of–that his car had died on the driveway so he had raced to the bus stop and finally caught it at my stop. Wierd. Todd just rolled his eyes. Jason then mentioned the project and how we hadn’t gotten anything done. I nodded and started talking–not happily, but I was talking–about it and what we should do. Todd got bored and leaned back into his seat, pulling his iPod out. So it was Jason and me. And then Jason started laughing about how wierd this was; being on the bus. I told him he had no idea. That started him talking about me. A subject which, surprisingly, I’m not so comfortable with. I might like being hot, but I don’t like having to talk under the spotlight.

He asked about new York, but not nosily. He mentioned having been there once–how everything was bigger and the Hot Dogs were overated. I told him I’d never had one. he thought that was funny. I told him they were made for the tourists, not the New Yorkers. At least not my kind of New Yorkers. He smiled. And then we were at school.

He stood and let me sort of swing out in front of him. Annie was smiling at me again, not even waiting till we were off the bus to make faces. Of course, once we were off, we were seperated again. Jason sort of grabbed me and pulled me aside for a second. He said maybe we should go get some lunch and talk about the project since it seems impossible to concentrate in class. He asked for my number. I don’t know if I was surprised or not, but I gave it to him. Then he walked off, sort of waving and smiling with a “See you later”. I smiled. And it was a real smile.

Then I was surrounded by Annie and a pack of gossip-starving girls. they all started talking at once–all of it about Jason. Finally Annie sort of took over, her eyes serious and shocked.

“He has never been on a bus…since the accident.”

I laughed–that whisper was too much not to. i told her to stop acting like she was on some soap opera. Then some girl started talking.

“No–serious. His girlfriend; last summer was on a bus to D-world with her family. And the bus driver–”

“He totally fell asleep!” another interluded, “And the bus rammed into the barrier.”

“She was the only one who died.”

“Well, there is this total brain-dead geezer who got paralyzed–but he’s still alive.”

Annie just looked at me, boring deep into me, “He has never been on the bus and he has never talked to another girl like…he did.”

I didn’t know what to say. or do. Part of me wanted to laugh. It all seemed so random. I just bent and straightened out my shoes strap. The other girls started to walk away, though I knew they were still whispering about it. Annie waited for me, but she didn’t say anything. She just sort of smiled. I was left to my own thoughts, which were going crazy. Him texting me halfway through first didn’t help. He said he wanted to make sure it was my real number. Yeah, right. But I couldn’t think of a comeback–sassy, un-caffeinated me and all–so I just sent him a smile. He smiled back, said he was glad I hadn’t blown him off. That’s when I pretended my teacher was passing out a quiz and I had to stop. Which was weird. I never used to lie to get rid of boys–I would just tell them like it was or they would be the liars to get rid of me. But all I could think of was his laugh and that seemed to calm the monster within. I know–crazy.

My heart was crazy till lunch. I had never gone to the bathroom to check the mirrors so much. I didn’t know what I expected, but I knew what happened wasn’t even an idea.

Jason called me as I sat trying to be all cool with Annie. She kept glancing at me with a sort of smile–she had heard what jason had said off the bus. I tried hard not to look in those eyes in fear of smiling back. Anyway, he called and asked where I was; said lunch was totally necessary. I laughed; I wasn’t really a phone call person. I liked text. It was easier. But jason made that call easy–I didn’t say a word. Except bye. Then he was by my side. He smiled at the other girls and then asked if I was ready. I just smiled and told him a girl didn’t need an hour to prepare to get in a car. That’s when he reminded me there was no car. I looked at him and asked if he was joking. That made him blush. It was…cute.

He sort of shuffled his feet and said his mom was one of those lunch-packers. Said he knew it was pathetic, but the project, after all, called for it. Right. The project. I just nodded my head, getting a bit uncomfortable. Then Todd was on us.

He grabbed his brother around the neck and asked if he was trying to ditch him. I almost wished Jason would say yes. But Jason just laughed and pushed him off, telling Todd that it never seems to work, so why try. Then Todd sort of straddled the two of us and asked what was on the menu. By now we were out in the Florida sunshine and the gleaming grass seemed to taunt my designer jeans.

I remained silent as Todd made a joke about how pathetic Jason was being. But then Jason pulled a blanket from behind a tree. Todd laughed and asked how long he’d been planning this. jason just through it at Todd’s face and told him we couldn’t very well sit on the grass; at least the one’s who have any sort of fashion priorities. he winked at me as Todd rolled his eyes. I just smiled, not sure how I felt about sitting on an old blanket. But I did, and the sunshine seemed a bit brighter as Jason pulled tupperware after tupperware from his backpack.

“Geez, Jason. Did you pay a caterer?” Todd asked, leaning deeply into his arms. they were pretty tough. But jason lust laughed.

“Just cuz mom loves me more.”

“Yeah–you wish. I’m the charming one.”

I don’t think I meant to, but I sort of snickered. Todd sort of gaped at me, but Jason laughed outloud and sat next to me.

“Now that–” he said, touching my arm, “that was truth.” Then he held out his hand for a high five. I kind of looked at it. I don’t do high-five’s. But I gave him one. That made Todd laugh.

“You can’t expect Blaire–I mean, Brooke–to appreciate the power of a five.”

I just rolled my eyes at the snideness. It was nothing compared to things that came to mind. But I held them back. I’m not sure why.

Jason sort of chuckled, looking at me with a twinkle and saying, “I think I’d rather under-appreciate a five and be her than be you–period.”

That’s when I laughed. Jason smiled and Todd fell silent. Then the food was passed around. It was deli sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies. Neither of which had ever really been a hit in my life, but I fell in love right there. Those cookies were better than any Panna Cotta cooked up by my chef. They were…simply delicious. Jason was glad I ate so many. Todd said he was surprised I had any, must totally be so un-cool in NYC–think of the calories. Freak.

Jason apologized for his brother. I just smiled and said it was okay, I was used to wannabe’s taking bad about NY–only way to feel good about themselves. Sorry, Jason.

“Oh! Smack down!” Jason laughed, holding his hand out again. This time I smashed it–or whatever you call it. Then lunch was over. And we hadn’t said a word about the project. Todd kind of walked carelessly off, leaving me with Jason. I didn’t mind.

“So, did my mom live up to your chef?” He asked, folding the balnket with a smile.

“How did you know….” Then I laughed. “You know, not all New Yorkers have chef’s. You shouldn;’t just presume.”

He laughed, “Where’s the fun in that. Besides, there’s a type. Us un-New yorkers have to learn to see it. That’s why you’re featured in so many movies.”

“Is that so? Todd said something like that too…. Less nicely, though.” I smiled at him, slowing down for him to put the balnket away. He was hot; bending down, I mean. Not that I saw anything. He just was.

“Yeah–he can be like that. Sorry.”

I just smiled, suddenly not caring to get to class or even out of the sun. “I guess we’ll never get this project done.”

He laughed, holding the door open. “Yeah, guess not. To tell you the truth, I don’t really care. I mean, I’ve been accepted to college and a missing assignment won’t stop that.”

“Yeah–where to?”

“Cornell College–well, the Weill Cornell Medical College. Up in New York.”

“Wow. That’s impessive. What are you going into?”

He looked at me, slightly uncomfortable, but still willing to answer. “Surgery. …personal reasons, I guess.”

I just nodded, not daring push further. And I already knew anyway. “That’s really cool–really hard to get into. Will you be rooming with your brother?” I teased and he laughed.

“No! Todd doesn’t even know what he wants.”

Then we were to the stairs and the final bell rang. “Sorry; you’re late.” he didn’t look that sorry.

“Like I care–missing pottery isn’t the end of the world.”

He smiled, “I never took you for a pottery kind of girl.”

“I never took you for a medical kind of man.”

“What–you don’t think I could pull off scrubs nicely?”

I smiled, “Well….” Then I started to walk off, not really wanting to make a grand entrance into pottery.

“Brooke–can I call you? Later, I mean.”

I smiled, almost blushing. But I didn’t. I took another step up the stairs, not really sure what to say. I didn’t have to say anything. He just smiled. “I mean, for the project, of course.”

I laughed, turning and looking at him. “Yeah–as long as it is on this project. I mean, I might die if I don’t get it done.”

He laughed, his smile seeping into his chocolate eyes. “Well, we don’t want that, do we?” Then he left, sort of laughing as he walked away. I could have melted. But I didn’t. I just stood on those steps, staring off into nothingness and trying to ignore the goosebumps spreading across my arms. I’d never been so loathe to wear my Vicente Villarin halter–I’m sure I was totally sweating. No, I never sweat. I got close though.

When i finally got to class, Annie asked for details. I gave them…most of them. I don’t know how she kept from screaming when i told her he asked if he could call. I swear her face almost exploded. That made me laugh. Actually, I laughed a lot that day.

And when I got on the bus, I smiled more. He didn’t sit by me; he sat by Jenny. Which was actually really funny to watch. He would try to talk to me–or anyone else, really–but then she’d be all over him talking about how good it was to see him and how it must be totally hard. Jason got uncomfortable at that, but I just smiled. And then I had to get off and Annie wouldn’t stop talking about it. It being him looking at me and smiling at me and him going to call me. Any other day, I would have been so annoyed at her. But I couldn’t stop smiling. maybe it’s cuz I’d never liked a guy before. But I didn’t even know if I liked him or not. He was just so hot. And his smile–oh, his smile!

He didn’t call though. I wasn’t hit with a wave of fear or worry. Except for the crazy whirls my heart made whenever I got a text, i didn’t really notice. And dinner was amusing enough for me not to care. Annie thought it was so adorable, she told Cadence and Cadence wouldn’t leave me alone. She teased me over frozen green beans. And I laughed! And then I went to bed and let my head sink into that so-not-goose-feather pillow and I fell asleep, still smiling.

For, Like, Ever – prt. 4 March 25, 2008

Things really got ugly by Homecoming. But I can’t really explain that week without talking about some past…moments.

After that whole walk thing, Ashley started acting…different. I guess I was too. I kind of felt guilty, ya know, having this crush on a guy she claimed. but i never got the guy. And Shawn’s attention, which I felt was directed entirely to me, seemed to draw me in. I actually flirted. That first period with him was always the best; i laughed, he smiled, we talked! I can honestly say I had never been that close to a guy before. And I got the idea that I actually had a chance. I, plain, old sarah, had a chance with a God! I started wearing make-up, doing my hair–i even painted my fingernails. And Ashley didn’t even notice. She had her eyes set on the prize and she left me behind. Maybe that was why I started really going at him. If she had been with me more, talking with mem I probably would have backed down a little bit. But, with her gone, I was left to connive and plan. I kind of…forgot about her. But not enough i guess, cuz when I saw her by him, laughing or getting too close for comfort, I’d turn sick inside, as if I’d just swollowed my vomit. I could feel this side of me scowling at her from across the room; I felt like a monster.

But we still were friends. Or at least pretneded to be. We walked home from school or drove each other. Sometimes we’d eat lunch together. but the topic was always Shawn. Which turned out to be a problem. Ashley felt her only competition was Jessica, which explained why jessica was now invited out to lunch with us. I never liked Jesica. She stole my crayons in elementary and kissed my brother in Junior High. he was graduated. yeah. She was the stereotypical cheerleader. Except she was smart. Way smart. And that made her mean. Cuz she knew she was near perfection. So when Ashley invited her, I gladly vacated my front seat and ran to the back. But it washardly a safe zone, cuz Jessica’s number one posse showed up. Amber Clasemare was no friend of mine. Afraid her strawberry-blonde (total bottle job) curls would go flat if she leaned back, she sat up with her nose in the air. I just leaned against the window, watching the leaves fall. I did laugh when we took turns though; Amber always lost balance and kind of twisted her ankle. No surprise, they were tied and bound by a pair of strappy heels.

That lunch was an odd one. Ashley and Jessica acted like best friends. Amber just stared silently; half-bored and half-disgusted to be sitting with me. They were both nice enough to Ashley. It was me they despised. I didn’t fit in their “group”. I was from the poorer part of town, though my house still had a pool and a sort of theater and it cost about $650,000. yeah, that was poor. Plus I didn’t buy designer. My mom, who happened to work for a designer, offered to get me clothes. But i just happen to feel weird in a pair of $700 jeans. So bite me.

When I got back to the school, i was relieved. I leaped out of that car and hurried inside. That’s when I bumped into him. My books flew everywhere and I’m pretty sure one of them hit him in the eye. He almost cursed, saw it was me and laughed. I fell to the ground and started picking everything up, mumbling apologies and such. He just laugehed.

“I hope this isn’t some way to get me to talk with you.”

My jaw dropped and I quickly fumbled for words, too embaressed to see the twinkle in his eye. “No, no. Not that pathetic…just clutzy.”

He smiled, handing the books to me. I could hear Ashley and the others coming up behind me. They had been laughing, but I could feel them stop and go quiet when they saw me. I smiled at the thought and pushed some hair behind my ear.

“That’s okay.” he said, helping me up, “You don’t have to make a scene to talk to me, Sarah.”

I smiled, “Good. Cuz that’s so not me.”

he laughed and threw his keyes in the air as he waved bye. He caught them and then spun back to me.

“I was gonna go out, wanna come?”

I could hear Ashley’s stiffled gasp. I don’t know what stopped her from jumping my back right then and ripping my heart out. i guess she didn’t play that way. I soon discovered she played dirty.

My heart went crazy as he stared at me. I just smiled though–i didn’t even stutter!

“Sorry, I just ate. Another time?”

He smiled, this time kinda biting his lip. “Totally. See you tomorrow.”

I just smiled back and watched as he almost ran into Ashley and Jessica. That made him turn back and laugh, “I guess you’re not the only clutz!”

Then he apologized to the ladies and, with one last wave to me, turned the corner and dissapeared. I could see venom seething in Ashley’s eye. But I guess I was euphoric enough not to care. I just walked away, feeling a million miles high. And that’s when things got ugly. It was then I discovered not even a BFF can last forever.

For, Like, Ever – prt. 3 March 24, 2008

Luckily throughout math we were distracted…at least I was. he was freakin’ amazing–in math. He totally finished it all in, like, five seconds. He offered to help me, but I didn’t need it. i was just slow. Mostly cuz of who i was sitting by. But anyway, it was after class that butterflies got to multiplying.

I stood as soon as the bell rang, eager to escape the hot zone. But he leaped after me, waving hello and buh-bye to a bunch of the girls on his way, I might add. He just came to my side and started talking to me in a completely normal kind of way. Only with him, as I was starting to realize, the most normal of things became entirely exciting.

“She’s…different.”

I looked at him, totally confused. Then I realized he was talking about jeffies. And i smiled.

“Yeah; that’s a nice way to put it.”

He just smiled, which made me blush, cuz he wouldn’t not look at me.

“Sarah, right? I just moved here–”

“I know.” I blurted it before I could even think. He smiled again. A motion which brought a huge pack of girls to his side, all shouting and asking silly questions in high decibels. i dropped my books, it surprised me so much. I quickly bent over, fumbling anxiously for them, hoping no one saw.

I stood up and started rushing down the hall when i heard someone call my name. It was Ashley but she wasn’t alone. Somehow she had managed to grab Shawn and now they were walking side by side towards me. I could have died. Together, those were the last two people I wanted to see.

“Sarah! I can’t believe you just abandoned Shawn! he’s totally lost. I told him we’d help. i just ran into him, you see.”

She winked at me and I knew it was no accident, but I still walked with them. I was standing on the other side of Shawn as Ashley meandered through the halls–i highly doubt she really knew where she was going. Neither did i–i mean, i didn’t notice. I was mesmerized by Shawn’s eyes. They reminded me of Christmas, when mom baked all those chocolate cookies. I’d always stir the melted chocolate for her. Now i was staring into deep bowls of it.

I wasn’t staring creepily–promise. He’d just glance between the two of us. I’d like to think mostly me. Or at least i used to wish that. But, that doesn’t matter right now.

His smile caught me. It was better than anything i’d ever seen and every time a light laugh would fall from his mouth, it was laced with peppermint and cinnamon. It tickled my nose and soon I was laughing with him. he made me oddly uncomfortable and those few minutes walking across the school passed like hours; wonderfully long, glorious hours. And you know, when we finally got to his class and Ashley gave a peppy goodbye, i just smiled and waved–probably the most girly thing i’d done all week. And then I swore he winked at me. And it could only have been to me; Ashley’s back was towards me. It was so fast, perfectly timed with a toss of the hair, that I couldn’t be sure. But i remember wishing it was. And i remember blushing because of it.

“isn’t he divine?” Ashley breathed as she jumped for joy, riht there in the hall.

I didn’t say anything, i just smiled and watched as she walked away with a quick goodbye and see-you-at-lunch. But as I turned to go, i couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of him in the classroom. And as the final, harsh bell rang i couldn’t help but laugh.

He really was.

For, like, Ever March 18, 2008

I had, like, a million. I think everyone did–those BFF bracelets. You’d get them for valentines and your birthday and you’d swear to wear it as long as the fellow friend did–which was supposedly forever. It was the epitamy of friend status. Once you got one, that meant you were as much a friend as you’d ever be. So when you got one from that guy you met the day before, you knew it was pretty much a turn-off. And when that girl who threw that pie in your face gave you one as an apology–studded in rhinestones and all–you know it was just a meaningless act by an i’m-so-worried-my-daddy-will-take-away-my-allowance-if-i-don’t brat. Those were where i got my millions; the million meaningless ones that filled my bedrooms crevices. I only had one that really mattered. It was from Ashley. She’d given it to me at the beginning of junior high.

“Sarah,” she had said, looking with dark, serious eyes, “Promise we’ll get through it–all of it– completely intact.”

I swore it. Then we laughed as we draped them ceremoniously across each other. It had seemed easy back then; life couldn’t get at us. Those BFF bracelet’s promised that. They were beautiful when we got them; all shiny and hopeful. Now the pink ribbon was frayed and dull-looking. But i still wore it. The half-heart hung on a silver chain and every day i put it on–even if the pink didn’t match. She wore hers too. We really were BFF’s. And we weren’t afraid to show it.

We got those looks from the ‘cool kids’. The ones who sit emotionless during lunch, leaning deep into the benches. They would stare at us when we laughed really hard or talked too much. But it didn’t matter. We were each other’s rock–i wouldn’t have survived Junoir high without her. She made high school bearable. It had always been Ashley and me. And i thought it always would be that way. I guess i was wrong. I guess nothing lasts forever. Not even those BFF bracelets.

Say You Love Me February 28, 2008

He broke my heart. Broke it; ripped it to pieces; shattered it; put in a blender; fried it; attached it to a nuke and killed me. It was dead. So dead i couldn’t even cry. I had walked in on him; him and Jessi–his ex. They were sitting. Close. Too close. and they were laughing; her head tilted back and his forward. I can still remember that moment, when i walked in on them. I couldn’t breathe but all i wanted to do was scream. I couldn’t move, yet i felt the need to run away, get onboard a plane and dissapear. And when our eyes met; that’s when my heart broke. They got all wide; their chocolate iris’s melting in surprise. “Emalee” was all he said. That’s when i turned and ran; ran far, far away. I bolted through the halls of Treebolt High; getting lost in the maze of people and unfamiliar classes. I didn’t know where i was going. All i knew was that i had to get away. I didn’t hear anything; not a laugh or a scream or even a bell. I eventually found myself huddled in the girls locker room shower, my friends eventually finding me. They tried to get me to say what was wrong, but i couldn’t speak. They threatened to call my mom so i got up and went to class. I think it was chemistry. I don’t remember, because, at the time, it didn’t matter. I was broken.

He called me every five seconds for days. My friends, my mom–they all wanted me to answer. Said it might all be a misunderstanding. But i couldn’t bring myself to hear his voice. Because i knew, if i heard it, i’d fall in love all over again and i was so scared of having my heart ripped out again when he admitted it wasn’t an accident. So i ignored him. My friends learned not to protest. When he came up to me at school, they’d swarm around me and push him away. It was hard those first weeks. Everyone knew we were through. And i mean everyone. People i didn’t even know knew; freshmen knew. I got those looks. You know, the ones where people are talking about you quietly and curiosity makes it too hard not to glance my way. It was the quick look, then back to talking with friends. I hated that look. I knew i’d given it a few times, but i swore to never do it again. Cuz people can tell. At least i could.

The weeks passed by in a blur. I didn’t know monday from wednesday; tuesday from sunday. I guess that seems pathetic. But, Josh and I, we’d been together since that summer. And, as high school seniors, eleven months is a long time. We’d even talked about…the future, you know. In fact, the day before “the moment”, he had pulled me close, whispered “I love you” in my ear, then kissed me. Right there, in front of the entire school. Or at least most of it. It was my birthday. And that was the best surprise i’d ever gotton. or tasted.
So those weeks after the break-up were rough. It wasn’t painful, just dazed and numb. I would smile, but i wouldn’t mean it. I would go and hang out with my friends, but all i could think about was his hand tickling mine as he felt for it. I always found it hard to breathe.

I find it funny, now that i think about it. My friends had wanted me to ditch the farewell assembly; to go get breakfast at Denny’s. But i convinced them to say. The truth is, i liked the darkened, loud auditorium. It was peaceful. I didn’t have to hide as much because they couldn’t see as much. Now i catch myself wondering what would have happened if i hadn’t gone. But i’m getting ahead of myself.

It was a normal assembly; boring and corny. But then it got bad. He came out. With her. They were both in the school choir and they were singing a duet. It was “Heaven” by Bryan Adams. That’s when i finally cried. It was our song; or it used to be. I still smile when i think about all my friends. They all just stood up; their faces crumpled with anger. I was so surprised as they pulled me up. At least twenty of them stood around me, ready to walk out with me. They were all staring beady-eyed down at Josh and Jessi on the stage; everyone around us was silent and nervous, looking anxiously back and forth.

“Come on, Emalee. You don’t have to hear this.”

And then they started to file out, down the aisle. I can still remember crying and smiling at the same time. Mostly crying.

We were halfway to the door when he got there. I hadn’t noticed him coming forward nor did i hear my friends try to push him away. I was distracted; desperate to get away. That’s when he was there. Still singing. It was the second verse. The best verse. He just grabbed my hand when the chorus came. And i was back to those same feelings as before. i wanted to scream, but i couldn’t breathe. I needed to run, but i was held back. All i could whisper was “stop”; i was pleading for my life. But he didn’t hear me. Or maybe he did. But he didn’t care.

By the end of the chorus he had pulled me close; i couldn’t fight it. I could see Jessi still onstage, a smile across her face as she hugged her microphone close, just letting him sing. The spotlight was on us and I could see the tension in everyone’s faces. The boys looked scared and the girls were standing to get a better look. I was still crying; still scared it was a dream or that he really didn’t care. But then he stopped singing, a musical break interrupting the flow of magic. That’s when he forced my eyes to look into his and said simply, “We were practicing.”

No one heard it but me. And i was left gasping for air as he started singing again; falling down to his knee’s. I didn’t know what to do; i couldn’t think. That’s when i realized i didn’t have to. All i had to do was act.

As the last three lines faded away, he just looked at me, his breath catching and his eyes as frightened as me and said, “Say you love me.” And i did. I fell into his arms and he caught me as i threw my lips on his. My friends later told me everyone started clapping and cheering, but i didn’t hear a thing. All i could hear was his chant of “I love you’s”; all i could feel were his lips on mine. And that’s when i finally smiled; for the first time in weeks. I was honestly, perfectly happy and no one could break it. Not even the principal interrupting the squealing crowd to say the assembly had to go one and would everyone return to their seats, please. I was seeing stars, tasting chocolate and falling back in love.

Call me flighty; call me cliche. The truth is, i don’t really care. My heart isn’t yours to rule; i’ll love who i want. And i love Josh. I shouted it to the school; i could scream it anywhere. Now, whenever we need something sweet, all we need are four words. Four words that flipped our world upside down and all around: Say you love me. And we do; we always do.

Fallen February 7, 2008

The sky was bright as we stepped into Lady Liberty’s shadow that day in late February. Aria was smiling. She was just ten. She had turned ten sometime during the blurry days on sea as we travelled from Italy to America. And we finally reached the United States–we were there! Mother had made us promise to get there before she died, i was hardly fifteen but i had sworn to taste liberty. And now, a year later, we had finally made it.

I can still remember Aria’s smile that day. She practically glowed, pulling at my arm to hurry on to Ellis Island and off that ghastly ship. I’m sure everyone was happy to get off that ship, yet know one knew what lay ahead of us. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free.” was all we needed to hear to rush to America. Now that i look back, i’m not sure what i was expecting. Warm food, a glass of clean water, maybe a bed for the night. But Ellis Island; gleaming in the midday sun, holding Liberty’s torch, offered us no such hope. Stamps, health checks, glowers and glares were all it gave us. Yet Aria’s spirit could not be deflated. Even when we were shoved into the darkening night, our stomachs growling, she didn’t mutter a complain. She smiled. But i was worried.

We had been given a name of a place for young girls to stay at, somewhere along the massive New York Island, but the confusion of the city and the language that was not my own kept me from reaching the place till long after the sun disappeared. I was scared for my life, walking down those streets with little Aria. Drunken men fell across our path, factory workers covered in smoke shoved us along. And as the sky became darker my hope faltered. Though Aria still smiled.

Finally i reached the door of a shuddering building, old and whining in the city’s heart. Working Women and Young Children was stamped to the door and i knocked nervously, Aria asleep in my arms.

An old women answered, her face creased with anger, her dirty nightgown rusling against the creaking floorboards. She said something to me.

“Please.” i fumbled, offering Aria and taking a step forward. She sighed and pulled me in, mumbling incoherently though i caught “Italian’s” and “one room” and “job is neccessary”. I just nodded and allowed myself to be led to a small apartment. I didn’t dare ask for food as she closed the door tightly behind me. I let out a sigh and looked around me.

The room was dark and I could hear the familiar scampering of rats around me. The bed looked sunken and greasy in the dim light. No candle was to be found. But it was ours. And it was in America.

I placed Aria gently on the weak bed, kneeling beside her as I hummed an Italian song.

“Rosalie?” she called, her small arm wrapping around mine. “Rosalie, do you think Momma is happy? Now that we’re here?”

“Yes, but sleep, Aria. Dream of her so tomorrow will be good.”

*

The first day was the hardest. The owner of the house woke us with a jump as he came into our room screaming. I couldn’t understand her, tears were streaming from Aria and my eyes as she fumed about the room, ready to beat us. Finally a woman ran in the room, calming the woman and pointing to us until finally the owner left.

The lady knelt next to us and spoke, her italian flowing familiarly into my ears.

“Jonesworth is a hag, angry at the world.” she explained, “This is a workers boarding house and she expects all to have jobs and continue to have jobs. And when you didn’t leave this morning with the rest, she thought you were cheating your way in. I am Lessy, Alessandra really.”

“I am Rosalie and this is my sister, Aria.” I bretahed, wiping the tears from Aria’s face.

“Yes, well I suppose you just got here–to America. You’ll pick up on english soon enough, at least enough to get by. But in the meantime, you can count on me. You must ind a job though or you wont be able to stay here. I told Jonesworth that you started tomorrow. And it best be true.”

She got up to leave and i found myself close to tears again.

“Wait–Lessy!” she turned and smiled.

“What about food?”

Her nose wrinkled, “You’re on your own there. Jonesworth allows you to cook here, but she wont provide the food. And it’s 8 dollars a month. I’d pay it all at once or Jonesworth has a way of forgetting you payed a bit before.”

And then she left, and Aria crawled into my arms, sniffling. “I don’t want to work.”

“It’s alright, Aria. Momma’s watching us. I’m sure we can work together…we’ll find a way.”

I heard Jonesworth screaming down the hall at some other resident so I quickly brushed Aria off and we ran to the door and into the streets of New York. It was dirty.

The glowing light hid no detail. Dirt hung in the air, rats crawled across the streets, rummaging in holes stinking of human dung. I could feel the sweat in the air and taste the smoke and alcohol. The buildings seemed to lean into each-other, creaking with each movement. I could hear screams up and down the street, see men collapsed in the alley’s. It wasn’t the country I had imagined.

Aria was wimpering at my side, holding my hadn’t close as she looked around. Her smile was gone.

“Why did Momma want us here?” she whispered, her face crinkling.

I sighed, making sure to breathe in through my mouth so i didn’t smell the grime. “I don’t know….”

Then we walked, carefully stepping across bodies through the alley and searching for a main street. We tried many places. Groceries, schools, mills, factories. But all either kicked us out when they heard our language or threatened to place us in different area’s and at different times. Aria was too young, we were too feeble. reason after reason slammed doors in our faces. Finally i realized something had to be done. We had to lie.

“Aria, you are twelve now. You have to remember that.”

“But i’m not–i’m hardly ten!”

“No, you are twelve and if you forget it, you can be sure momma will forget you. Do you understand? In order for us to live, you must be twelve.”

Her face dropped and she nodded, stepping uncomfortably. “Momma said God would punish you if you lied.” she mumbled, not daring to look at me.

“Yes, well, it’s not a lie anymore. It’s a fact. You are twelve, understand?” I sighed as she pouted, still not ready.

“Aria, momma wants you to do this. You have to do this. God will understand. Let’s just…how about we make it a game? The winner is the oldest and you become older by…doing things that the other deems worthy of gaining a year. And i’m giving you a head start by saying you’re already twelve!”

Her face lit up, “Why? What did i do?”

“Well, you’re going to get a job, of course. And that is worth two years, don’t you think?”

She thought for a moment, her dark hair blowing in a breeze.

“Well, aren’t you getting a job, too? I don’t want you to be eighteen.”

I laughed, “Fine, it won’t count for me. Just for you. Is that good? Can you be twelve for me?”

She nodded eagerly, grabbing my hand and prancing across the street. I pulled her towards a building the last factory had told me of, The Triangle Shirtwaist factory Building. It was at the top of the horrid brown building.

My heart was pounding as I walked in, a woman looked us up and down, then nodded towards the back. I walked silently to a door and knocked. When I heard a noise, Aria and I entered.

A Fat man looked up at us from his papers. I heard him mumble “Italian’s” but kept silent.
Finally he stood and paced around us, grabbing either of us and looking at our hands, pinching our arms. Finally he sat back down. He said something to us, but i couldn’t understand. Then he yelled, “Age?”

I stuttered around the strange english language. “Sixteen and…twelve”

He huffed. Then stood again. I can remember my heartbeat. It was as fast and as painful as when momma had died.

Finally he pushed us in front of him and into a small elevator. he started speaking slowly so we could understand, though it didn’t help much.

“Sew…six dollar’s week…good…morning.”

I just nodded, not daring to ask him to repeat. We had a job!

As the elevator came to a stop we found ourselves surrounded by the hum of sewing machines and sweating girls. The windows were huge, filling the room with light and heat. Most girls sat at sewing machines, but some ran from place to place with fabric or sat, busily folding. I looked anxiously around though no one returned the stairs. Then the man stepped forward and grabbed a woman and pointed to us. Then he left, making sure that we stayed upstairs. i was already breaking into a sweat. Aria shuffled uncomfortably next to me, pulling at her collar. the the woman came up to us and the workers slowed just a bit.

Once again the voice that greeted me dripped with the familiar Italian tone.

“The new ones work with the bundlers. They’re the ones folding. And this young one…” she looked at Aria, “How old is she?” her voice raising incredolously.

“I’m twelve.” Aria spouted with a smile before i could respond.

“Huh.” said the woman, “Well, she’ll probably stay there till she grows a bit, but eventually you’ll become a sewer and maybe a runner one day. But today you’ll work with Geneva. She’s the small italian by the window. You’ll get a dollar a dollar a day each, unless old Grayson is foul. He’s the machine operator; the boss. He gave you the job. And he’ll take it as quickly if he finds out you’re not working. So get to it. Oh–and I’m Sofia.”

“I’m Ros–”

“Don’t care.” she interrupted, “I don’t want to know. Just get to work or we’ll both lose our jobs.”

I stuttered for a moment, surprised at her sudden change in voice. She had seemed friendly, but her outburst had proved that wrong.

I pulled Aria along, to Geneva. She smiled up at us.

“So, you must be new–from Italy?”

We nodded.

“Oh, do tell me about it! I miss it so. Not that i rightly remember it. I was three when we came over. say, how old are you? can’t be more than eleven!”

“I’m twelve.” she said, nodding at me. “Twelve.”

“Hm.” she said, “Well don’t that make me feel old! I just turned thirteen and you look so…young. Oh, well don’t mind Sofia, she just tries to be tough. Doesn’t want to make friends because she’s bitter. Don’t ask me about what. But that’s not like me–here, start folding; just like this–i love people! And italians are best. My parents, if we were rich, would invite you to supper and it’d be a decent Italian meal. But we’re not, not yeat at leats. One day, says papa. And i hope so. Working here is tiring. i don’t know how some the girls do it and manage to live a life. See Rebbeca over there, on the machine. her parent’s are from Lithuania; isn’t that fun to say? Well she just got engaged to an american. They say it’s because she has lighter skin then most of us. Because i’m sure you know…well, maybe you’ll come to know that immigrants aren’t liked much by the white american’s. last week papa saw a smart man excluded from a rightful job just because he said he’s from europe. they don’t like us. But the chinese are worse, i heard. I don’t know any. Jiana–she’s a runner–says it’s because they’re all killed if they’re seen, so they hide during the day. i don’t rightfully believe that. it seems oddly fascinating though. imagine, if it were true i mean, not going out in the day. Not that we get out much in the day. Stuck in here till late noon time.”

I was surprised to see such a flow of words. She didn’t seem to breathe as i watched her. Aria would constantly look at me nervously, almost as if she expected Geneva to blow. but she didn’t. And soon the never-ending hum of her voice caused the work to go faster. Folding became rythmic as her voice flowed with her movements and we followed silently along.

But finally, the end came. A bitter bell rang through the building and, like bee’s to honey, all work stopped and the women stood a walked in a flood toward the doors. And, as if a weight had been lifted, they all started talking at once. Hundreds of voices, different languages and pitches, reverberated throughout the room. Geneva eagerly stood, grabbing our hands and pulling us into the sea of women.

“See, the doors are locked till the finish bell. been like that since a strike a few years ago. it was monstrous. i wasn’t here; i started just a year ago. But the older girls said it was huge. Lasted for four months and didn’t get them anything. Except locked doors.”

The lock unlatching silenced Geneva’s rambling as the girls all started to flood out down the stairs. The fresh air was enough to keep her silent as everyone just soaked it in. It was still hot, but it was like a cleansing, salty sea breeze compared to that ninth-level room. And then we hit the streets. Groups of girls parted or ran across streets together. They flooded out in different directions, most heading to wherever they called home and all seeming to run away from that hot, brown building.

Geneva waved goodbye after saying a few more sentences and we were left alone, Aria and I.

We didn’t say a word as we looked around, both silenced by the day we had spent. Finally I looked at Aria.

“Ready to go home?”

“To Italy?” she asked, her eyes brightening. My heart broke.

“No, I’m afraid not.”

And then we walked back to the boarding house.

*

Days passed in a blur as we struggled to become used to the horrid sweatshop. Geneva kept us entertained and we did meet a few new people. We finally received our pay and fed ourselves. We got used to rats scurrying across our feet at night and hearing the waking bell that Jonesworth rang every morning to get her tenants to work. We learned to handle the sweatshop and became the best folders, according to geneva. Sofia did learn our names and yelled at us a few times but i began to see that geneva was right; she must be tired. The days were fast when we learned to ignore the dates and rather just walk through each one. Soon going to the bathroom in the streets and never bathing became normal, as did the smell. Angered calls as we walked down the streets morning and night became normal. We got used to things being thrown at us and Aria gained a few years; she pleaded for some every time something happened but she promised to stay twelve in public since it was our secret game. It was the only thing that kept her going. When she made it through the day without talking about Italy, “Do I get a year?” would be her plea. It made her smile to wake up and say “I’m almost as old as you!” or “You better do something good today, because i might beat you!” She became strong and did grow as the days passed. We both made friends, among all ranks and ages at the Triangle Factory. I began to sew within a week and Aria learned to enjoy Geneva’s constant chatter. And it seemed to catch on, for Aria began to chatter nonstop as we walked home. And that was life.

Sometimes we’d manage to get enough to go out or spend a night with some of the girls. We eventually each got a new dress and even some real italian food. Church was not an option though; we found ourselves constantly at work. But Aria got used to it and we learned to turn to God on our own. Momma was constantly Aria’s only light. She’d pray to her and speak of her. It seemed her only form of closure in the dark world we were living in. So I let her.

One morning, as usual as the rest, Lessy knocked on our door and then quickly invited herself in.

She helped Aria tie up her dress and shoes and then turned to me, “Remember, rent is due today and Jonesoworth shows no mercy.”

I smiled sadly, “I know, and I have it all. I’ll pay her when we get back. today. but than you, for the reminder, I nearly forgot it was the end of the month.”

“That happens at first; one must get into the flow of things. That’s why i came. It is the twenty-fifth.”

“Of march!” Aria piped in with a smile.

Lessy returned the smile along with a hug, “Yes, it is, Aria! The twenty-fifth of march.”

“Of 1911!” I added, laughing as Aria’s nose wrinkled at the tease.

“Very good, Rosalie!” Lessy said, hugging me with a laugh and then turning back to Aria who stood, her arms folded as she tried to hold back a smile.

“But i don’t think Aria agree’s.” Lessy said, as she stared down at the acting Aria.

“No. I’m just trying to be older–do I get another year, Rosalie?”

Lessy laughed, confused.

“It’s just a game,” I explained to Lessy, “And no, being obnoxious doesn’t get you a year.” I said, pulling Aria into my arms.

“Obnoxious! I’m not obnoxious!” She said, poking at me.

“Yes, well you both are going to be late if you don’t get a move on. It’s nearly seven.”

“On March twenty-fifth!” I said, laughing as i put Aria down.

“In 1911.” she spouted defiantly. Then she took my hand and pulled me along, waving a quick goodbye to Lessy.

“You know,” she said as we stepped onto the street, “I’m always pulling you along. Doesn’t that deserve a few years?”

“Pulling me?” I laughed. “No, it does not! because you do not! You’d be in bed if it wasn’t for me!”

“Well, doesn’t matter, I’m only a year behind you now. I’ll probably be older by the end of the day.”

I scoffed as she pranced ahead of me. “Maybe snobbier!” I teased.

And it went on like that till we got to the factory. Then we put on a straight face as we walked up the nine flights. I gave her a slobbery kiss on the cheek as i header towards my sewing machine and she ran towards geneva.

The day got hotter; i almost forgot it was still wintery outside. The girls next to me were too tired to talk. So i made faces at Aria as she folded.

Finally I turned to Zola, the girl who shared my machine, and asked about her Beau.

“He proposed.” she exclaimed, her face turning rosy as she spoke of it.

The time flew by as we laughed about the romance and her happy, blushful state. Soon the afternoon began to take appearance and I knew the bell would ring in a couple short hours. I was going to take Aria out to eat with Lessy after work. But then it happened.

I don’t know who smelt the smoke first. I thought it was just the smell of he room. But it got stronger. And then the screaming started. I can never forget those screams. At first it was just of fear and then, of pain. I watched, unable to move as piles of fabric caught flame and seared those near to it. Flames burst from the floor beneath us and the roaring monster took an undeafeatable life aas the girls ran to the door. I was swept up by Zora and we pushed toward the door, fighting against the charred and the screaming. Then i heard Aria.

“Rosalie!” she screamed, setting panic in my heart. i could imagine her dress in flames, her body ashes and my heart nearly stopped. The thrashing girls at the door were a blur as I thrust through them towards the windows. And there she was. Aria was on the table, Geneva no where to be seen. I grabbed my Aria, hugging her and racing to the door. The girls pounded at its frozen, locked state. I looked towards the crowds of girls across the room as Aria screamed in my ear. I didn’t know most of them. But i would never forget those faces. As the locked door became hopeless and girls collapsed under the pressing smoke, many ran to other escapes. The flames became huge, eating at the tons of fabric. Tears were impossible in the hot haze, but I blocked Aria’s eyes as i watched, desperate for an exit. I ran towards the fire escape, where dozens were pressing, But the sound of screeching metal and screaming girls stopped my approach. And as the girls came racing back, screams raining non-stop from their open mouths, i realized that it was broken. and we were blocked.

Girls ran into the door, trying to break it down but I think everyone knew it was useless. The minutes seemed to pass like hours, hot oil seemed to run down my back as the sweat broke out. The sirens and shocked yells were hardly heard outside. I ran back to the window, pushing the fabric piles away from us and singing in Italian to Aria. And to me. The smell of burning flesh and hair filled the air, choking the screams from burning corpses. Girls started to jump from the windows, the nine stories of a drop not a fear in their desprate eyes. I saw Geneva crying in a corner, choking on the smoke and withering in convulsions. Sofia was at the door, her face pressed with more anger than fear. I could hear the names of loved ones being screamed and i could almost feel the pain of every girl. I watched in horror as Zora grabbed the hands of three others and jumped out the window.

“Rosalie!” choked Aria.

I rubbed her back gently, rocking on the balls of my feet as i fell to the steaming floor. I wouldn’t uncover her eyes. The bodies were piling and, worse, the screams were quieting. I could feel my sides melting to my dress and i didn’t dare look at Aria’s face.

“Roslaie, I want to go home.” she whispered calmly.

I swallowed a scream against the suffocating smoke. “I know, Aria, I know. Just a few more minutes, i promise.”

She cried. I could feel the boiling tears on my hand.

And as i watched more girls pile up against the door I knew we had to get out.

“Can you be brave for me, Aria?”

I felt her face nod on my burning shoulder and i smiled as the familiar question fell from her lips. “Do i get another year?”

“Yes! yes, beautiful, sweet, Aria! You get ten! You can have 20 if you want!”

I crawled to a window, gripping the searing metal and broken glass.

“Are you ready? Just think of Momma and home. Don’t ever forget to think of momma and home!” I whispered, pulling her close as i stood.

“yes, Rosalie. I don’t. And you–i never forget you!”

I just smiled, not daring to look below me onto the streets.

“And Rosalie…I’m older than you.”

I choked on a sob, letting the smoke blind me and destroy my tears. “Yes, darling, Aria, you are! So much so!

“Remember, don’t forget!”

“Oh! Rosalie, it hurts!”

“I know–just a few more seconds, Aria. Just a few more seconds and then we’ll be home. Home with momma.”

I could feel the heat coming closer, and I looked back for a second, watching the monster consume the building with yellow flames that danced angrily along the familiar machines and tables. Bodies lay, strewn like the fabric had been just minutes before. people still pressed at the door, yet a serene silence filled the place and i knew we were the last standing.

“Just think of home.” I whispered again, hugging Aria tighter.

“Just take me home, Rosalie! Take me home!”

“I am, Aria. I promised.”

And then I Jumped.