Twilight, condensed* … condensed again March 18, 2009

*As requested, it’s about a page and a half shorter. I wasn’t sure what was wanted, so sorry if this isn’t exactly it.*

It all started when I, like, moved up to Forks and my dad got me a piece-of-crap truck. Which I loved. Cuz I have this thing for really, really old, potentially dangerous things. Duh. At school, there was this super attractive family that nobody talked to cuz they are “weird”. Edward was the youngest and his eyeballs were so mesmerizing. I just stared and stared. But he thought I smelt which totally sucked cuz I so wanted him. So I did what any normal girl would do: I started stalking him. And I found out he was a really, really old, potentially dangerous vampire who happened to be stalking me as well. He told me I should never ever love him. Something about him wanting to eat me. Whatever. That’s way hot. So what did I do? I fell head over heels for him. And he totally HEARTS me too.

He showed me how he sparkles. It was so sexy. Too bad he’s like a slab of ice. I still can’t resist making out with him. I just want more and more, cuz he has perfect lips, of course. But he’s all, “No, I’ll eat you, Bella.” Which just makes me want more. I mean, right? I just try again and again and we’re always arguing as we kiss cuz he’s hungry and he can’t take any more and I’m hungry and all I want is HIM. It’s way precious.

Everything else was so perfect and wonderful. But then this other vampire clan came and they just weren’t nice. Ruined everything. Edward, who is so overprotective and smothering it’s cute, freaks and makes me hit the road. I end up at my mom’s cuz the evil vampire is stalking me. Kinda like Edward did. Except this guy wants to rip my heart out. I would be turned on, but I’m so smitten by Mr. Perfect-marble-god Edward that I can’t think about any other guys.

Well, I end up falling into the evil vampire’s trap cuz I’m so selfless I give myself up to save cool people I love so very much. So I go and practically serve myself up with gravy and potatoes. The evil vampire is so about to kill me when Edward comes from nowhere—he’s magic, you know—and they get into this enormous Vamp fight. It was so exciting: they were fighting over me! But I got bit, it seems. And it hurt. I was writhing on the floor and was all in and out of consciousness. Mostly I was worried about how I looked cuz I’m so scared Edward thinks I’m just an ugly human and me weeping on the floor, bleeding and foaming at the mouth wasn’t helping the matter. But I know, somehow, Edward saved me and ripped the evil vampire to shreds and burned those shreds in a great bonfire. That’s how it’s done.

Back at Forks, everything returned to normal. Except Edward made me go to prom with him which was totally lame but I couldn’t argue cuz I love him. Besides, whenever I look at his glittery perfection, I just melt. So he’s in charge. He loves me, so he knows what’s best for me. Always. And you’re jealous. I know it. Cuz he’s hot. Just get that into your head. He’s totally hot and he’s all mine. I mean, I’m all his. Which is perfect. Too bad that evil vampire’s girlfriend is going to kill me. I could have been so happy.

Broken Promises June 28, 2008

My foot started cramping as the minutes passed. It was tucked under my legs as I lounged on the couch, wishing everything away. He sat next to me; the piles of papers and books falling from his lap. It was near midnight. And that was when I sighed. We’d been there—same position—for over five hours. And I learned, like, nothing. At all.

“I hate English. Can we please call it quits? Please, I’m begging you.” I asked tiredly.

He laughed softly, stretching his back across the arm rest. “Lauren! You mean, you don’t find this fun?”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh yeah. No, Josh, sorry. Guess I don’t have the brain capacity of you cuz all this was in one ear and out the other.”

“Yeah, well, I guess if we don’t know it now, we’ll never know it. Might as well sleep.”

“Hallelujah.” I whispered, letting a relieved smile slide onto my face. But I didn’t move; I was too tired. I just closed my eyes and leaned my head back.

“So…should I go?”

He looked over at me awkwardly and I laughed.

“Sorry, I’m just tired.”

He nodded, biting his lip. “Ya, the drooling on the couch sorta gave that away.”

I hit him, laughing.

“Funny. At least I don’t keep looking at the kitchen as if I’m gonna die if I don’t get food this second.”

He chuckled. “That noticeable?”

I nodded, standing slowly and falling into a stretch. “Do you want something to eat?”

He stood, “Not to impose…but yes.”

I smiled, nudging him. “It’s fine. My mom would die if you left here hungry. She totally loves you.”

“Ah, yes. The only one in this house who does.”

“Well, can you really blame my dad? I mean, your family moves in, he goes over to say hi and you sick your bulldog on him.”

I could hardly say it without laughing. Josh just blushed.

“I seriously thought he was gonna kill me! He’s huge and he was practically charging at me. It was…instinctual.”

I just laughed, opening some cabinets and looking for any sort of munchies.

“But is he the only one? Who hates me, I mean?”

I glanced over at him, my forehead crinkling. “Well, there’s Balderdash. But he hates everyone.”

“Oh yes, the dog.” He said with a twinkle. His eyes always twinkled—even when he was mad.

“But is that it?” He continued, keeping his eyes on me, “Do you hate me like your dad…or do you love me—like your mom?”

I blushed, turning quickly away.

“Not in a weird way or anything.” he added quickly. “Just curious.”

I chuckled nervously. “Always curious, huh?”

He didn’t laugh. In fact, he didn’t do anything but look at me; his eyes twinkling. I didn’t know why.

We stood for a moment; him just staring, and me, blushing.

“So, what’s on the menu?” he asked finally, slipping onto one of the barstools.

I stuttered, confused and…flustered. “Well, we have peanut butter and…peanut butter.”

He laughed, “Okay then. I’m good with that. As long as it’s chunky.”

I gasped, “Of course! Only real peanut butter.”

“Isn’t that a bit of an oxymoron?”

I scowled, “No more English, kay? And you’re the one who asked for it.”

“I know, I know. I was just…quoting something. I’m surprised you don’t remember. …Sara’s pool party.”

I stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Duh! That little five year old after the food fight. He told your mom that he had oxymoron goo all over him. How could I forget? It was you who got the peanut butter out, huh? And you pretty much threw it all over him when he said he didn’t like it cuz you can’t have chunky butter.” I laughed, digging my spoon into the peanut butter. Sara was his little sister; we had been baby-sitting.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling, “You swore you’d never forget.”

I rolled my eyes, “Well that was nearly three years ago. We were like, what, fifteen. Hey—that was the same day your swimsuit flew off as you jumped from the diving board!”

He groaned, blushing under my laugh. “That, however, you swore you’d never mention.”

“Right.” I laughed. “Well, what good are promises if you can’t break them.”

“Ooo! deep!” he laughed, licking his spoon clean. “Sure your parents appreciate that theory.”

I nodded. And it went strangely quiet. Both of us were focused on swallowing.

“So,” josh said after a moment, “What are more promises we can or have broken?”

I thought for a moment. “How ‘bout how you promised me you’d pay me back for those concert tickets.”

“Oh!” he groaned, “Low blow, Lauren! Geez! well, what about you? You promised me you’d never kiss Jake. And—boom—first date, he got you.”

I gasped, “Man, josh. You are ruthless. Besides, I told you, he’s the one who kissed me. I nearly killed myself after. Pity date gone horribly wrong, remember.”

He just laughed, his eyes twinkling like mad. “Yes, well, I still think it’s funny.”

“Besides, why did it matter so much to you? You pretty much made me write in my own blood that I wouldn’t kiss him.”

He didn’t respond, just quickly thrust his spoon in his mouth. I watched him for a moment, surprised by his silence. He was never quiet; and never without a comeback.

“Well what about ones we still have to break?” he asked, avoiding my eyes. He put the spoon down, pushing the jar of peanut butter away.

I looked at him, surprised at how he totally avoiding what I’d said. but he just waited for me to respond.

“Well, we promised we would pass this test.”

He laughed, “Good one. Totally positive, too.”

I rolled my eyes. “What about you? You’ve got a promise you’re dying to break?”

He looked down, and then straight at me. It took me back; surprised me. And I found I couldn’t breathe. That’s when I realized just how close we were. Our knees were touching under the counter; his hand just by mine on the counter. I could almost smell the peanut butter on his breath.

“How ‘bout when I promised I’d never kiss a girl I didn’t absolutely love?”

I stared at him, suddenly nervous. Especially since he leaned closer.

“Well, who you got in mind, cowboy?” I asked, trying desperately to laugh. But he ignored me.

“Or, how we’d just be friends?”

Suddenly his face was hardly an inch away from mine; his eyes were sparkling again. I still couldn’t breathe. My eyes even closed. And his voice turned to a whisper. A spine tingling, total breathtaking whisper.

“How do those sound?”

I swallowed, my eyes still closed. “Good.” I whispered, losing all control as he sunk closer.

I could feel him—it was the only sense that was working. I could feel his hand slip gently around my neck, pulling me closer. I felt his thumb slowly graze my cheek, his other hand reaching my other one. I could feel his breath dance across my face. I felt my heart stop; I felt myself shiver. And then he kissed me. And I felt that.

It was as if the whole world started to twinkle and I finally felt at home. Everything seemed to be right; everything was as it should be. It was as if, in that tiny moment, years of being friends finally made sense. It was all for that single kiss. That one, beautiful tirade of broken promises. And all I could do was smile. But it was enough, because he still kissed me.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 15 May 15, 2008

By Monday I was smiling again; life seemed a bit brighter. Cadence seemed relieved my random-emotional-over-kill moments were over. So was I. And school seemed good and nearly normal. I was used to it—most of it—now. Except the food. I don’t think anyone could ever get used to that.

I actually backed off Jason a bit. Not in a bad way, though. We were still together. In fact, we were number one on the Best Valentine’s Ever list. Someone had posted a picture of me sobbing as he had handed me the roses. That sort of made me cringe, because I remembered why I had been crying. But it was still sweet. And Jason looked good. We both seemed better. He had given me a ride and not mentioned anything about what we had talked about. Surprisingly, that just added pressure to my obligation to talk to Todd. Which turned out to be an awful experience—no surprise. But I’m getting ahead of myself. And that was probably the understatement of the year.

I was walking to my next class alone and I saw him—alone. He caught my eye and with a bug-eyed sigh, spun around and started walking the other way. That made me agitated and I ran to his side, determined to get it over with.

“Todd,” I said, coming to a slow stop, “We have to talk.”

He scowled at me, looking ready to bite. “About what, Brooke? Your point was clear—and I’ll have you know my jaw was bruised because of it.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s exactly it—why don’t you just grow up?”

He barked a short laugh. “Yeah, look who’s talking? You are such a friggin’ hypocrite, you know that?”

I stared at him, my jaw dropping. “Excuse me? All I said was that we need to talk; not get in some screaming fight.”

“Well, see if I care about your shallow antics! You think cuz you come and say ‘we have to talk’ that makes you the mature one?”

“Mature—you think you are mature? Like, serious?”

“’Like, serious?’” He mimicked, staring icily at me, “You know what Brooke, how ‘bout you go stick your tongue down my brothers throat and get out of my life?”

I stared, an angry laugh slipping into my words, “Now that is real maturity.”

“Do you really think I care? You think you’ve changed; that because you had your perfect life ripped away from you, you are a new person. You’re not. You are the same snotty bimbo who—”

“How can you even stand there and act as if you know me! You don’t—never will. Todd—just leave me alone and GROW UP.” I spun around, giving up and desperate to get to class; to get away. But he made me turn around.

“There you go again; pretending you’re queen of the world! You’re just this Manhattan prep who’s going for Jason because of his money, his style; even his so-called ‘drive’! You are nothing more than a teenage gold digger.”

That was too much. I shoved him back a step, silencing him immediately. “Don’t you dare accuse me! I am no gold digger.”

“Oh yeah?” he screamed, coming back a step closer, “Then what’s his middle name? How about his favorite color? Do you even know what things he likes to do—I mean, except making out with you.”

“You jealous?” I bit, getting in his face, “Todd, I know Jason. So why don’t you save face and shut up.”

He laughed, still screaming, “If what you know of Jason is considered knowing people, no wonder you have such a shallow existence! I bet you couldn’t list five things about him; what he likes or wants. Yeah—you know he’s going to college, you know he’s hot. But you don’t know him.”

Suddenly I was no longer bold. A growing crowd was surrounding us and I just realized it. My cheeks flushed; I was red and steaming. “That’s not true.” I whispered, willing it all to go away. But Todd wasn’t done.

“No, but its okay; he’s doesn’t know you either.” His words were quieter too, but they still cut at me. And I started to cry; silent, hot tears that made my skin flush more. The silence from the crowd was almost deafening. But not as much as Todd’s quiet accusations.

“You two…you don’t care. You just take. He can’t even say he knows you; listens to you—sees you. You guys just use each other. And I guess that works for you, but, just know, there’s nothing there. And one day that’s gonna hurt.”

“Who do you even think you are?” The words were slow and deep. I was angry. “You think you know me better—Jason told me about you; how you don’t even have your own life! And now you’re telling me that you know more about mine than he does; than I do?”

His eyes fell to the floor. I was fuming, my breaths short and tight. I hoped it was over, that I could turn and run; but he spoke. And it hurt.

“Well, I know he can’t see how beautiful you are. No, he see’s the colors and shapes. But he doesn’t know how, when you’re bored, you start to play with the tips of your hair. He doesn’t see that there’s a face you make for every kind of emotion. Your eyebrows sink just to the left when you’re thinking. And, when you smile, your nose sort of crinkles. There’s a dimple on your right cheek that only shows up when you bite your lip. And I know how you like it when your hair falls across your eyes—it means you can finally breathe; you don’t have to put on a face for everyone.” Every word made me blush. It was making me sick. He didn’t even seem to notice. I don’t think he knew there was a crowd around us. His eyes were on me and me alone.

“I know that you want to be held close—even in a dance. You—you look great in teal; it’s your favorite color. I know you’d rather have PB and J’s than caviar or…quail. You want to be more than a rich snob; you want to get out of this stereotype of fashion and…snootiness! You want to go to prom! You wanna climb a tree—wear jeans that cost less than a three digit number. There’s something in your eyes that tells—everyone—that you want to be you; not the rich girl from Manhattan.”

Now I was tired and officially pissed off. “You are a jerk. A total, bitter jerk who thinks he knows everything. But you don’t. And you just proved it.” My voice started to rise; my stance straightened and I was ready to punch something. Preferably him. “How can you think that, for one second, I would ever want to be with someone who thinks he knows me better than I do? I would never want you; you’re just a little boy making guess work about me. You don’t know me. You, Todd, are an absolute as—”

“What’s going on here?”

It was the principal. He pushed himself through the crowd and into the circle where Todd and I stood. People started to talk and the choking silence around us finally stopped. I could breathe. But then Jason pushed his way through, right next to the principal. His eyes were wide and not at all humored.

“Yeah—what is this, Todd?” His voice was almost malicious. And Todd suddenly looked sheepish.

“I—we…were just…talking.” He stuttered, not daring to look anywhere in particular. I snorted, hot tears still falling down my face. Jason wrapped his arms around me and the principal stared sternly about.

“Todd, you just need to grow up.” Jason said, his voice bringing the silence back.

Todd laughed; it was almost a cruel laugh. “Yeah—I’ve heard that a lot today—”

“That’s because you do. I can’t believe…just…go to hell.”

The principal raised his hands to calm the crowd. Even Todd seemed close to tears. But then it turned ugly. His eyes got venomous and he nearly spat at us.

“Oh, just take your whore and have a happy life.”
Those words by themselves would have been shocking enough, but what happened next blew it overboard.

Jason’s arm was suddenly no longer around my shoulders. In a split second, his fist was thrown forcefully into Todd’s face and he was knocked to the ground. Then the principal was grabbing Jason and holding him back, shoving him into the wall of people that now started freaking out. Todd tried to stand, his hand covering his mouth where blood sputtered out.

Chaos ricocheted through the crowd—people were talking, some were laughing, the principal was yelling at everyone and more teachers showed up; half of them wondering where their students were and the other were curious as to what the noise was. One of the teachers helped Todd up, pulling him to the nurses. Jason was carted off by the principal and the crowd was told to get to class. I just stood, more surprised than anyone. I couldn’t move.

Eventually someone told me to get to class—I don’t remember who. But I wasn’t there for long. Soon I got a note calling me to the principal’s. I was surprised to see a cop; they asked me to tell them what had happened. I didn’t really want to. I avoided the topic of conversation and just explained that we had gotten in a fight. They told me I had to go home; that I was suspended for the rest of the day. Some bull crap about how I had impeded on the education and peace of the school. I was forced to call Cadence; some sort of try at an emotional punishment. But I didn’t really care. Home sounded good to me. So Cadence came—I did feel bad though; she had to leave work—and I left. I didn’t know where Jason was or what his punishment was. But I didn’t really care. I still just wanted to disappear. Cadence wouldn’t let me. She asked what had happened and I knew I had to tell her. It took me so long, we were sitting in the garage for a while. And afterwards she just looked at me and then she whistled. Made a joke about how my life was a soap opera. I didn’t find it funny. She got that and let me get out and go inside. But first she told me I would have to make dinner; that she had to work late because of me. I didn’t really mind. I just went inside and lied down, desperate to forget it all.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 14 May 13, 2008

Life was tense for the next week. And Jason seemed to get that. Of course, it wasn’t hard to catch on. Every time I saw Todd, heard his name, or even thought of Todd, I’d hug tighter to Jason. Randomly, in the middle of classes, I’d kiss him. Just willing myself to get Todd out of my head. English was the worst. Jason just thought I was completely in to him, which I was. But even I knew that wasn’t why I would hold tight.

On Saturday night he got it out of me. We were sitting outside on my porch swing and I wasn’t really talking. Jason just held my hand and, sighing deeply, asked me what was wrong. At first I tried to veer the conversation in another direction, but I couldn’t resist those eyes and—slowly—I told him everything. About that one time Todd had given me a ride, about the stares, about the screaming fight, and even about the kiss. I was scared to tell it, afraid Jason would stand up and go shoot his brother. But he just laughed; a slow, sad sort of laugh. I sat back, staring at him and asking what on earth his deal was.

He just shook his head, “That’s just…my brother.”

“Just your brother? Oh, so what, he can just go around kissing your girlfriend and you won’t care?” I pushed myself out of his arms, totally pissed, and scooted across the bench.

His eyes got wide. “No, that’s not what I mean! It’s just…. Todd, he….” He sighed, pulling me back over and forcing hand in his. “Todd has a habit of…wanting to be me. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. Everything I have, he wants. He just…never really was his own self. Like, my classes—he has almost the same exact schedule, but he hates half the stuff. He asks my mom for the same stuff I ask for. He’s like some sort of…leech living off of somebody else’s life.”

“So you mean to say he really doesn’t like me?” It wasn’t a sad question, or even mad. I was just asking, really curious.

He looked at me for a second, a sort of laugh in his eyes, “Who wouldn’t like you?”

I hit him, trying to keep the situation serious.

“I don’t know,” he sighed, “I can’t really say I’m surprised. He did it before. With my last girlfriend.” His voice went all quiet and I didn’t dare breathe. “He just…can’t think for himself. And, yeah, it gets annoying, but it’s him. And I didn’t think he liked you. It was just at lunch that first day that he pointed you out, said you were a nut case—but a gorgeous one. I had laughed, but I was curious. Especially when I saw you. And I told him—I told him he could go for you. And, when he didn’t, I even asked him if I could. And he said yeah—that you weren’t some cow to be bought and paid for. That all is fair in love and that he didn’t even want to try for you. That you were high maintenance and a pain. But I didn’t see that, or at least I didn’t mind it, so I went for it.”

I just watched him, different emotions coming with every word. A cow? High maintenance? Go for it? Nut case? Didn’t mind it? But I didn’t bring any of it up. I just looked down, petting his knuckles and breathing slowly. But he wasn’t done.

He laughed softly, leaning his chin on my head. “So, I just have one question for you….”

I looked up; his sparkling eyes surprisingly close and completely mischievous.

“Who’s the better kisser?”

And finally, I laughed. And he kissed me. And the night finally felt warm again.

We sat there for a while more, listening to nothing more than our own breathing. His hands still clasped mine, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt safe and comfortable. I could have slept, right there, but he had a curfew. So I walked him to his car and we stood there for a while more, sharing a kiss and then he told me something. He said I didn’t have to be awkward around Todd, that eventually Todd would get over himself. I snorted, saying that seemed a lofty hope. But Jason was serious. He told me that Todd really was a nice guy, just slightly immature. But then again, no one could blame him for falling for a girl like me–least of all Jason. He also said that I should talk to Todd, that he trusted me. I didn’t know what he expected me to say, so I just nodded, saying I’d keep it in mind. He chuckled and then, with one last hug, kissed me goodnight and left.

So I went to bed and finally felt normal again, as if the world was righted or the worries were gone. Todd still haunted the corner of my mind, but now it was a little less threatening. Especially since I could still feel Jason. And it felt…good.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 12 April 30, 2008

Life was weird after my fiasco. Well, not all of it; just the parts including Todd. I felt sick around him—I wanted to punch him and cry and run all at the same time. But no one else seemed to notice, least of all Jason. He was oblivious, which isn’t that big a deal considering I avoided Todd completely. Once I saw him coming down the hall and he saw me, and I just spun around and went the long way. I was late to class. And then He once left some of his friends and started walking towards me—I knew he wanted to talk to me. So I swerved into the bathroom. I just didn’t want to deal with him and his…. No, the thing was—and this made me sick to discover—that a part of me wanted to ask. And another part of me was completely flustered. Like butterfly-flustered. And that made the other part of me sick, but it didn’t make it go away—that part that I really don’t want to mention.

I started to spend a lot more time at home. Home; I had never used that word. Even in Manhattan, it was my apartment, never my home. But I guess I was comfortable where I was at. There was always this sort of warmth in the house and I liked being there. It really was my home. Anyway, I found out Cadence was a nurse at a nearby children’s clinic. I found out because she thought my weirdness was a disease. She sat me at the counter and started looking down my throat and in my ears—she even did that thing where they kick you knee or whatever. I’d never done that before. As soon as she realized I was indeed not sick, she gave me a sucker and told me I was pretty healthy for being so depressed. It was a joke and I actually laughed. Annie and I started talking a lot more. She told me she was dying to be asked to prom which wasn’t until April. Then she asked me if I wanted to go; if I’d ever been. I hadn’t, there was no prom where I came from. And in all the movies it looked pretty lame anyway. But she wouldn’t buy it. She asked if I wanted to go with Jason. And you know what? I really couldn’t answer. I told her a lot of stuff, but nothing about Todd. And she was sweetly naïve to anything but what I said flat out. And she loved to talk so much, it wasn’t like she’d listen. She’d just wait for a break and then start talking. But I was fine with it, because I wasn’t much of a talker. And she made me laugh. Life at home was good and calm. It was super weird because it was like this pit and it was always dirty and smelt really funny sometimes, but it was a haven. And I spent a lot of time there because of it.

The only person who didn’t really like that was Jason. He said I’d been a lot more reclusive, wondered if it was something he’d done. I assured him it was not, that I was just getting used to everything. And eventually he grew used to it. He still called every night to say goodnight. And he’d offer a ride every day. I was careful to make sure Todd wouldn’t be there otherwise I’d say no. We spent a lot of quiet time together, like just holding hands or going to a movie. It was like we were past the need for conversation; we just were with each other. And that was comfortable. But then I’d see Todd glance our way and I’d get queasy, like he was judging or longing for something. I’d always drop Jason’s hand or stop cuddling if I saw Todd looking. It was just weird.

But then came Valentines Day—the most uncomfortable day if you’re single. But I discovered it was also the most awkward day if you have a boyfriend and his brother keeps watching you and you have this question in your brain about why. Jason didn’t offer me a ride, but when I woke up there was about a dozen of a dozen bouquets of all different colored long-stemmed roses on the doorstep. Annie wouldn’t stop squealing and she wouldn’t concentrate, so we missed the bus and Cadence had to drive us on her way to work, so we were late. But when I got to my first class, there was a single deep red rose on my desk. Everyone stared at me when I picked it up. And it was all super awkward. I had no idea what to do with it, but I knew I couldn’t throw it away or put it in my bag. So I just left it on my desk till I had to leave. But there were roses in every single class for me, all red. Annie, luckily, was in most of my classes and she thought it was so adorable, she would hold them the whole time. But I was scared for lunch. Not scared enough though, because it turned out to be a really long day.

I was on my way down to lunch, but I was going the long way in hopes of receiving fewer stares at my growing bouquet. But then Todd rounded the corner and I had no time to react. We both just stopped and looked at each other. Then he asked what the deal was, why was I avoiding him. I couldn’t believe he asked, so I just rolled my eyes and tried to get around him. But he wouldn’t let me.

“Brooke, what’s the problem? You can’t totally avoid me; you’re going out with my brother. Can’t we just be, like, civil—”

“Oh, shut up, Todd. We’re not friends and there’s no chance we’ll be friends after what you…said.”

He stared at me, his face reddening, but he wouldn’t let me pass. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to.” I snarled.

“I didn’t…mean it. I mean, competing with my brother always turns into a losing position for me.”

“What? Am I some prize? You guys take a bet over who could win me? I’m not for sale—to either of you!”

He grabbed my arm as I swung around. “No, that’s not what I meant. I—”

“What? I seethed, ripping my arm from his, “What do you mean? Just say it—do you like me or not?”

He didn’t answer; he just stuttered and looked down. And I turned as red as my roses. But not because I was mad, but because those flustered butterfly’s jumped in my gut again.

“You’re an idiot, Todd. What do you expect me to do?”

Suddenly he was mad. “You’re right—I am an idiot. I mean, look at what I wanted! I’m glad I didn’t take a bet on you—it’d be a waste of money. You’re just some spoiled brat who thinks the world revolves around her! I’m glad I’m not stuck with you and your selfish, high-maintenance self.”

I scoffed, fuming, my breath was catching and my voice was rising. “Well, I’d rather be a brat than be you. Look at you! You can’t even talk or stand up for yourself. And you’re so sure you are the best out there, you don’t even fight to be better. At least Jason’s going somewhere. You aren’t trying to be anything! You’re the spoiled one—life’s being fed to you and you have nowhere to go come graduation. Life will slap you hard, so don’t call me the brat!”

“Oh, you think you’re God?” he screamed, “You think that just because you go out with my brother, you know me? He doesn’t even know me! You guys don’t even talk around or about me! Just because I didn’t throw myself out there or tell the world my dreams doesn’t mean I don’t have any. My parents might be rich, but I’ve had to take care of myself for a while now—I’m not some spoiled girl who cries when she can’t get her frappacinno or get to some fashion show.”

“Yeah, so I don’t know you. But it doesn’t take the I.Q. of a genius to realize you don’t have any plans or a drive for anything higher. So prove, mister high-and-mighty. Prove you’re more than just some pig-headed little brother. Prove to the world that you’re suddenly more than just a nobody! Prove—”

Suddenly he grabbed me and kissed me. My roses fell from my arms and scattered across the hall. My mind was a screaming mess of emotions, but my heart was worse. All I could do was stand there. I was frozen because I couldn’t decide what to do. But as soon as he let me go, I just stared at him and I reacted. I slapped him, spun around and walked off. I didn’t dare look back; I didn’t care about my roses—I didn’t even run. I just walked slowly away and down to where Jason and I always sat. But I was still numb. It was like the earth was moving in slow motion—silent as a grave. I could see Annie standing nearby eagerly, her eyes sparkling as if she knew something I didn’t. I could see Todd down the hall, rubbing his jaw gently. And then I saw Jason. He held dozens roses, each with a chocolate kiss tied around the stem. He offered them to me, his million-dollar smile beaming up at me. I smiled, grabbing them and falling into his arms. But I was still numb and it still felt like an awful black and white movie. I felt sick inside, and I wiped at my eyes where hot tears started to fall. But everyone else just thought I was being sappy.

Jason spun me about; I could feel him laughing, but I didn’t hear it. And the world went slower when we spun past Todd. I could see his face—the hurt, the embarrassment. And I hugged tighter. As soon as Jason set me down, I kissed him. Hard. And that’s when my senses finally woke up. I could suddenly hear clapping and cheering and laughing. I heard Jason whisper in my ear. I felt his hand in mine. I could even feel the rose thorns cut at my hands. But I didn’t care. Because every time I tried to smile, I would see Todd out of the corner of my eye and I felt sick. And every time I felt sick, I’d hug tighter to Jason, desperate for something to stabilize me. I wanted to go home, but school was hardly over.

As soon as things calmed down and it became more normal, I told Jason I had to go to the restroom. And when Annie followed me and started giggling, I went even further. I left her in the bathroom with all my roses and went to the office to call Cadence.

I told her that I suddenly felt sick, that it must be the school food. She said she’d come get me. So I texted Jason that I was going to go home, that his roses were beautiful and I loved them, but that I felt sick—it must have been the casserole Cadence had cooked. He said he’d see me tomorrow. So I just went to the front foyer and waited. And as the bell rang and the halls emptied, I slid down the wall and started crying. And it hurt; the tears. But the worst was that I couldn’t figure out why I was crying, and it killed.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 10 April 24, 2008

I did call him back–no worries. And it wasn’t awkward, it was…fun. We just talked. A lot about New York because he was going to go to school there. But I’m glad we did that on the phone, because it did kind of hurt. I missed the noise and the bustle of the city. The shopping, the art shows, the fashion capital–I even missed broadway. But it was still nice; talking with him. It kind of felt like home; like I was with my dad eating breakfast. And I don’t mean that creepy, I just mean in was comfortable and somehow familiar. Besides, dad was the only guy in my life to compare him to. And I did. And it came out good!

But, anyway, we spent a lot of time together that next week. He didn’t kiss me again, or even grab my hand. He was surprising. Whenever I expected a kiss, he wouldn’t give it. In a moment where he should of held my hand, he doesn’t. And I think a lot of it’s on purpose. Like he’s toying with me–in a good way–and making sure I stick around for him and not just for the kissing or whatever. But he was a good kisser and I sometimes just wanted to tell him to get over himself and kiss me again. But I didn’t. And he didn’t, though his eyes always twinkled mischieviously.

Annie thought it was the funniestt thing; to watch us. She wouldn’t bother us when he was over or when we sat together at school, but she would always watch with a smile and would fall into these awkward fit of giggles. And afterwards she’d be on me for details and gushing about how cute we were. I just laughed. And I did like it–all of it. And evweryone else seemed to like it or at least be fine with it. Half the school would watch our every move. Annie had let all her friends know about “us” and that just spread. I had never seen something explode through a group of people so fast. It’s like everyone knew and everyone was talking about it.

I discovered that week that jason had been number one on the school’s Hottest Bachelors list–yeah, they had one–but, by late monday he’d been taken off and we started climbing the Cutest Couples list. See, they had this whole non-official school site. Mostly loaded with gossip. It was ridiculously funny to look at. Annie worshipped it and always told me when something happened that she thought I should or would care about. I was number one on the Luckiest list. i thought it was because of Jason, but the anonymous comments said otherwise. They all talked about my clothes and hair and money and history. It was really weird. But cool; to be so popular without having to really do anything. And they had pictures–I don’t know where they got them. I printed the one they had of Jason and me. Which made me feel retarded, but it was cute. And I realized I liked being liked. And knowing I didn’t have to guard Jason from other girls was nice. The whole school seemed to be seriously happy for us–isn’t that weird?

Well, except Todd. He seemed to despise seeing us together. I gues I was stealing his brother away and he didn’t like it. But, whatever. He didn’t hang out with Annie again. He at least recognized her presence, which was actually enough for her. She was happy to just get a nod-of-the-head or a “wassup” as he walked down the hall. In fact, she told me he’d been kind of annoying on the date. Slightly zoned. But she hadn’t mind cuz, according to her, “Hello! He’s so hot!”. Still, it weird to go to Jason’s house with him because Todd would just stare icily at us. It really made it uncomfortable and even jason would tell him to bug off.

I went to his house for dinner one night and his mom was total ’stepford’ catalogue material. And I mean that in the nicest way. She was really sweet and even put my cook to shame with her homemade lasagna. But she was…prefect. In a realistic way. Unlike my NY friends mom’s who pretended everything was good but really they just played around with guys and got mani-pedi’s. But Jason’s mom was all smiles. She greeted me with a hug–wearing an apron and an oven mitt–and told me jason hadn’t been exagerating when he called me beautiful. That made jason blush and me laugh. Then she told me to hurry and make myself comfortable and sit down and ‘the husband’ should be home in a few and ‘Oh, you are just lovely’ and ‘Please call me karen’. It really made me laugh–it was so…unexpected. And when his dad came home it was even more surprising. He walked in and I could tell he was tired, but both Jason and Todd stood up and gave him a hug and I stood up because I didn’t know what else to do. He looked at me with a warm smile and said “So this is the girl who’s captured my son? Well, i think he’s the one who got the prize.” I just smiled as Jason came to my side. And that’s when he grabbed my hand–of all the times to do it; right in front of his dad! But he just smiled and winked jokingly at me. Then Karen came back in and started laughing and talking and telling Todd to hurry and go get Mary from next door. Mary was their little sister. She was seven and just as adorable as Jason. But I didn’t tell her that. We sat around at the dinner table and, as usual, someone brought up my clothes. It wasn’t even a big deal–just some DVF coso dress. But karen just had to tell me she loved it–that I was gorgeous. Everyone laughed. that’s how the whole evening went. laughing and joking. Mostly they just talked, and I listened. The parents told me stories about Jason and Todd. One was about jason convincing Todd to go to school as a girl on the first day. Todd didn’t think it was funny, but everyone else was laughing. Especially when they said the whole school fell for it. It was only when Mary yawned that the dinner ended. It was about nine. But before mary went off with her mom, she leaned over to me and asked seriously, “Do you love jason?” Awkward. I blushed like never before and would not look anyone in the eye. but no one else seemed uncomfortable. Karen pulled mary into her arms and said with a wink my way, “No, honey, loves yucky.”

Then Jason drove me home and finally kissed me. He whispered, “Love isn’t yucky to me.” and then I went inside and he drove off. It was all such a…culture shock, I just thought about it the rest of the night. It had been strangely fun and totally different than anything i had or could have imagined. But I liked it. And I was starting to see that jason was as random as his family–but in a good way.

The day after, jason couldn’t give me a ride, I rode the bus. And I was walking down to class and he suddenly appears next to me, grabs my hand, and kisses me on the cheek. I was surrounded by all of Annie’s friends. That was really awkward. I had no idea what to do, but he didn’t give me a chance to do anything. He just ran back down the hall. None of the girls said anything, they just stared and giggled under their breath. Annie would nudge me constantly and giggle and do this weird little dance, like she was happy for me. It was all so weird. But, I guess I was getting used to it. Because the next monday at lunch, I quickly sat down next to him and kissed him. But I did it on the lips–in front of his friends. And his brother. And I got a grasp as to why he did things so randomly and unexpected–it was fun. And it tasted better; or at least sweeter. There was always that split second where the other was too surprised to do anything, and that was the best part. So we started to constantly try and surprise each other. No one else seemed to appreciate that.

We were dropped a level in the stats. The anonymous voters said we were annoying. Someone even said that–and I quote–we were “so nasty; no one likes PDA–get a room and stop slobbering all over eachother and the entire school.” Which I thought was funny, but Annie just started screaming about how stupid jealous people were. That’s when i found out you had to pay $25 to become a member and participate in votes. And in order to even find the person to pay, you had to become connected to the “anonymous”, who no one really knew. But that was one thing I didn’t care about. I could have been at the bottom of that list and still gone after those kisses. Annie was right; they were just jealous. or they should be. Because those kisses were good–stolen or not.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 7 April 16, 2008

“So…do you have any plans tonight?”

I asked casually, struggling to keep my smile off my face. Annie spun around from the bathroom mirror, yanking the flat iron from her hair.

“What? Why?” she asked, knowing it wasn’t just curiosity that drove me. I laughed, walking over to help her now-kinked hair. I took the flat iron and started twisting her ends. She just stood, tapping her foot impatiently and whispering under her breath about how I shouldn’t be so gorgeous.

“Nothing…just wondering.”

“Whatever. You so have a date–with Jason.”

I laughed. I seemed to be doing that a lot more. “How did you know?”

She rolled her eyes, “Just cuz I’m not some spiffed-up New Yorker doesn’t mean I’m totally dumb. It’s so obvious.”

“How?” I laughed, finishing her hair and turning to look at my own.

“Well, I know you talked to him for like two hours last night. And every other night since tuesday. I know you guys finished your english stuff on your wednesday night ‘non-date’ which you said was fun but that you guys totally didn’t do well on the project. I know that your time in the bathroom every morning has gone up at least ten minutes and you listen to love songs more than anything else. Plus your eyes sparkle and you wear more blue cuz he said you looked good on wednesday–when you wore blue.”

I stared at her reflection, which was humored and smug. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I sounded pathetic. But I smiled, looking down and pulling some lint from my shirt–it was a blue Ralph Lauren polo.

“And–not to be rude, cuz I swear I love you–you’re way nicer.”

I scoffed, “What does that mean?”

“When you came down you were, like, this prima donna, self-absorbed brat. Now you’re…not.”

I laughed, thought it was kind of more annoyed than humored.

“But, don’t worry–you’re not totally suburbia yet.”

I smiled, fixing my hair and trying to avoid Annie’s gaze. But I could see her smiling. Then she just came closer and pushed her face in front of mine.

“Are you so excited?”

I smiled but I didn’t say anything. Then my cell buzzed and I hurried out of the bathroom. Annie just giggled. I blushed. It was Jason. He told me he couldn’t give me a ride because he had a dentist appoinment. Then he asked if we were still on. I told him that I hadn’t been able to find a replacement, so yeah. He laughed. Then he said something that made me want to jump up on my bed and danced. I’d never had that urge before.

“Well, stay beautiful–see you in english.”

Then he hung up and I swallowed my squeal. I could feel Annie watching me, leaning against the hall wall. I just turned calmly around, pretending it had been nothing. She just rolled her eyes and said we’d be late and started to walk off. I took one last look in the mirror and I heard Annie’s voice float down the hall. “You look great–as always–so hurry up.”

I laughed and pranced after her–I even stopped to say bye to Cadence. She laughed and then Annie just sighed, pulling me after her and mumbling about how the side-affects of boyfriends were so not cool.

The first half of school passed in a blur–a giggly, sparkly sort of blur. My jaw started to hurt from all the smiling, but I couldn’t stop. When I tried my lip would sort of twitch until I let it go again. English was almost annoying. I was there early and Todd was too. But he sat in front so I didn’t have to talk to him–thankfully.

I bent down to fix my Louboutin heel and then suddenly Jason was sitting next to me, a smile spread across his face.

“Do you think we’re moving too fast?”

“Excuse me?” I asked, oddly uncomfortbale.

“I mean, we don’t have to go out tonight–we’ve hung out a lot lately and I dunno if you’re…comfortable with that or not.”

I stared at him, my face grimacing, wondering if it was a joke. His eeys sparkled, but his look was dead serious. And my stomach dropped.

“No, I’m…comfortable.”

“Excited?” he asked, leaning closer.

“Yes.”

Then he laughed. “Good! Just wanted to hear you say it.”

I rolled my eyes, trying to remember how to breathe. But I smiled. And then I heard Todd snort, but jason seemed oblivious. He just laughed and leaned back in his seat. “Your face…”
I just hit his arm and pulled my book out of my bag, trying to hide my blush. But he bent down again. “I’m glad–that you got nervous, I mean.”

I bit my lip, trying hard to play it cool but failing miserably. Suddenly Todd jumped back next to his brother, sitting in the desk next to him just as the teacher closed the door and started taking role.

“So, Jason, are we going to hang out tonight–like we planned.”

I knew it wasn’t directed to me, but I still listened. Jason seemed to get uncomfortable.

“Uh, no–told you I made other plans.”

Todd seemed to laugh, “Oh–just wanted to hear you say it.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. Jason just mocked his brother’s laugh and kicked him. But Todd just smiled.

“So, should we double.”

Suddenly I didn’t want to laugh anymore.

“What?” I said; I couldn’t help it–it just fell out.

Jason looked awkwardly between us both. “Uh…wasn’t planning on it.”

“Oh, come on!” Todd laughed, pushing his hand quickly through his hair. “It’d be fun. besides, too much of you could kill Brooke.”

I didn’t say anything, but my mouth filled with venom. Jason just rolled his eyes and the teacher told Todd to please shut up and listen. He did for a few seconds and then leaned back to his brother. “Pretty please?”

My eyes darted to Jason, suddenly nervous about the night.

“You don’t even have a girlfriend.” jason argued under his breath.

“Last time I checked, neither did you.” Todd bantered back. I just blushed, hoping they didn’t notice I was listening.

“That’s different–besides, I just meant who would you take.”

“Brooke can hook me up with someone.”

And surprisingly I smiled. I turned to face them both, smiling as I told Jason it was fine. That I totally had someone in mind and it would be fun. Jason knew I was scheming and not entirely serious, but he just smiled and said fine. Todd looked warily at me.

“You know you weren’t exactly part of that conversation.”

I just smiled, “Yeah, well, you’re welcome. I understand it’s hard for you to part from your big brother, so I’ll make it easy. I have just the girl and, like you said, it’ll be fun.”

Todd made a face at me and warned me to play nice. I just smiled and then looked at Jason. He looked comfortable and fine with the idea; he just thanked me for looking out for his baby brother and then he winked at me.

Then class started and she lectured for what seemed like forever and then Jason offered me a ride home and I took it. He told me that whatever happened to night–I caused it. His brother, he said, wasn’t the most gentleman-like. I just laughed and told him it would be fine–I didn’t wanna cause a family rift anyway. Then he told me he’d pick me–and whoever else–at seven.

I went in to the house and waited for Annie to come home. When she did, I pulled her in my room and just smiled. She looked awkwardly around.

“Hi to you too.”

I laughed and then just spilled it all out. I guess I made a huge mess of it though cuz she stopped me and told me to start over. I just sighed and asked how she’d like to go on a date.

She went quiet and just stared at me. “Uh, you guys aren’t even together and you wanna break up with him?”

“No! We have to double.”

“Well, who am I supposed to take?”

“No–Todd! He’s taking you!”

She almost stopped breathing. “Wait–Todd asked me out? Me?”

“Well, sort of.”

She didn’t hear; she just jumped from the bed and grinned at me. “Todd the hottie is taking me on a date? Holy friggin cow, Brooke! I love you!” And then she started like running and jumping and spinning around for, like, five seconds. Then she stopped and stared at the mirror.

“What am i supposed to wear? He’s gorgeous!”

MY eyes darted to my closet. I couldn’t even believe what I said, but I didn’t stop myself.

“You can borrow something of mine.”

She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me, recognizing the hugeness of the offer. “Are you dead serious? Won’t that like kill you? I mean, I ask about a bag and you give me dagger eyes.”

I just laughed, “Yeah–dead serious. I never had a barbie, so you’ll be my barbie–just for tonight.”

“Okay!” she squealed, starting to jump again. I told her I had to get her ready so I could have time to get ready too. So she stepped aside and let me into my closet. I got her some Kensie; favorite ever. It was a dress my dad had bought–I wouldn’t guess he actually chose it–for my birthday the year before. It was a gorgeous gray silk shantung dress that looked fabulous on Annie and she just barely fit. The teal peep-toed heels were perfectly adorable and the only issue was Annie’s hair. It was frizzy; the curls had died through the day and the wet florida air combined with the florida sun absolutely killed it. I made her shower and start over. Then I pinned her bangs back in a poof; complete with a teal headband. And by the time I finished her makeup she looked totally different. I was so happy to just wipe all her make-up off. I was finding out, in suburbia, make-up was a mask. So I wasted no time in lightening it up and going au natural. She was just as surprised as me. Plus her hair was drying slower and therefore darker.

Cadence walked in and gasped, with some sort of sad/happy look where she got all sappy about her little girl growing up. I just smiled and then started on myself. Which was actually harder than I thought it would be. I found myself second guessing. Annie finally helped me decide on one of my Dolce and Gabbana dresses and I paired it with my black footless tights. I smoked up my eyes and by the time it was seven we were both giddy on the couch by the window.

Cadence threatened to get out her camera but I think my grimaced look of despise discouraged her. Annie was too giggly to even register anything that was said. She just rambled about how nervous she was and how excited she was and how hot he was and how much she loved me. I suppose I was kind of happy about it. Her…hyperness relaxed me–or at least distracted me. In fact when I saw that shiny, gorgeous car pull up I didn’t even scream. I just smiled.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 6 April 12, 2008

It was Tuesday when he finally called—right as I was about to leave with Annie for the bus. He asked if I wanted a ride. I said I’d pay for one. He laughed.

So it was five minutes after Annie left that he pulled up. In a Mercedes Cabriolet. I almost died. That is a ridiculously hot car. He laughed as I stared, asked if I really thought only New Yorkers were rich. I just sat in that car and smiled. I told him most people didn’t have actual cars—not that we really saw or used. I was used to limo’s more than I was Lamborghinis. And I told him I guess I had taken him for a mini-van kind of family. That made him laugh. Turns out his dad is a partner at a law firm and they live down here for his mom—she didn’t want to leave the suburbs. But that didn’t mean she wanted to be a suburbia statistic.

I guess he was scared I would think of him as a spoiled brat because he told me that his parents didn’t just hand the wealth to them—they had to earn it. He said the car was for getting accepted to Cornell but that they were gonna sell it after he left. I told him that was cool, but I didn’t really feel the need for an explanation—it was a beautiful car and I have been handed everything in my life, so why would I judge him on his wealth. That was slightly awkward I must admit, but he just smiled. That’s when we pulled up to the school, but before I could get out he asked if I wanted to ditch. He laughed when he saw my face, said maybe that was a bit suburbia but, hey, live a little. And it was just math with Annie—and Jenny. So I said yes; call me wicked.

In my entire life, I never missed a day of school just to miss school. I’ve missed for parties, trips and sickness but never just to cut class. It was exciting; rebellious. People might think rich snobs are always rebellious, but they’re not. They don’t have time to be. There’s always shopping, travelling, partying—every thing that keeps you from disrespecting your parents. After all, they do the same thing. Some manage to get into things there parents wouldn’t necessarily condone, but they don’t spend enough time at home to condemn it. And ditching class would hardly be one of those things. It really was so suburbia. But it was fun. Really fun.

We drove to some movie theater with the top down. That wasn’t so fun at first. All I could think about was my hair. I had curled it. He seemed to notice my discomfort cuz he told me not to worry–I still looked beautiful. No guy had ever told me that before. Well, my dad had. And I’d been whistled at people have told me I’m hot–mostly the older perves at the bars in NYC. But never had any guy told me I was beautiful. It was…sweet. Surprisingly so. I mean, I didn’t need someone to tell me that–I knew it. Not like in a snotty way, I just knew it. But still, I probably blushed. And he laughed.

Then we went to the theatre. We had to pretend to be older cuz there was a sign talking about teens not being let in during school hours–guess this was the hot spot to go to when ditching. But that wasn’t hard for me. Most Manhattan preps could get into any bar or club they wanted without even having to use a fake I.D. I didn’t really have to do anything anyway. When they saw us pull up in the mercedes, all ideas of us being teens were thrown out the window. Only in suburbia.

We saw some stupid show trying to be shoved into every genre out there. It was romance, comedy, horror, action, drama all rolled into a huge, sloppy mess. But it was funny, not on purpose. And I didn’t really care. We had the theater to ourselves–very gross theater, I might add–so we talked a lot more than we watched. Then we headed back to the school. We got there just as lunch started. That was more awkward than I had imagined; waling in with him. It was like everyone saw and everyone stopped what they were doing to watch us. I swear everyone had known we had ditched and they just stared. Jason was the only one who didn’t really notice. He just walked down the hall, totally oblivious, and talking to me. He kind of laughed about it though. But when I walked past Annie our conversation stopped. She jumped on me and started talking really fast–and loud–about where I had been. It was then she saw Jason standing with a smile behind me and she kind of backed off. But she didn’t walk away. So jason smiled and said it had been fun; sorry if he totally ruined my education. I rolled my eyes and brushed my hand through my tangled curls as he walked off with a wave.

As soon as he was out of hearing distance, Annie attacked me with questions. All the other girls were pretty curious too. I just told her he had given me a ride. She scoffed and said he must be the slowest driver in america if that’s all we did. I just laughed and said I had to go talk to some teachers. I really didn’t. And Annie knew that. She told me the classes I’d missed didn’t even care. Except for math, no one really takes roll. Plus, she said, I’m such a new student–and super quiet–no one really notices me one way or the other. I kind of stared at her–it seemed a little harsh, but she hadn’t meant it to be. She just laughed and told me to sit down. I looked around and everyone still seemed to be watching me. I told hr I had to go to the bathroom. But she was determined. So she followed me there. And she finally got it out of me. She sat on the disgusting counter as I tried to calm my hair and listened. She thought it was adorbale.

“You’re so gonna get together–did he kiss you?”

I stared at her, half amused, half annoyed. I never knew people could be so nosey. Maybe it was because all my girlfriends in New York took eachother’s boyfriends so they couldn’t ever talk about it like this. Relationships weren’t serious in my world. It was all non-commital or materialistic. But Annie expected my life to be a movie style fairy-tale.

I told I most definitely had not been kissed.

“Well, don’t you want him to kiss you?”

I laughed, “What if I want to kiss him? Why does he have to kiss me?”

Her eyes totally sparked and she smiled, “So you do wanna kiss him?”

I scoffed, “You’re really nosey for not knowing me.”

She roller her eyes and got off the counter, “Whatever, I know you. Doesn’t take years to figure you out.”

It could have been rude, but I knew she hadn’t meant it to be. So I just smiled.

“We’re totally friends, Brooke. So deal. Now–do you wanna kiss him or not?”

I kind of zoned the last part out. All I could think of was her saying we were friends. It sparked the thought that no one had ever told me that before–not so…honestly anyway. It was weird. And yet comfortable. Cuz I agreed.

She nudged me, “Well? Do you?”

I blushed. That was awkward. “I-I don’t know!”

She rolled her eyes, but they still twinkled, “You so do. Don’t even deny it. I don’t think you’d let your hair out for just anyone. You are so crushing on him. And he totally loves you.”

I spun to face her. I tried to kind of wiggle my way out of it all. But I couldn’t. She was right–about my hair at least. I never did that. My hair was my crown and I never let anyone mess with it. Ever. I remember once I couldn’t find my conditioner and my maid gave me some grocery-store kind. I threw a fit and screamed that I wouldn’t go to school without using my conditioner. So I made her run to my salon and buy some more. Pathetic, huh? But that had just been me. I loved my hair. I think I’d rather give up all my clothes than shave my head! And staring in that mirror at the blown out curls made me realize that I didn’t care. Well, I cared. But I wouldn’t not do it again. I was fine having the frizzy hair for the rest of the day–it had so been worth it. And he had called me beautiful anyway.

Annie took my silence as an answer and she smiled and jumped back on the counter. “You’re so jealous-making.”

I smiled, “Whatever, Annie. You’re pretty too.”

“Yeah, but you’re barbie-doll HOT. It’s like totally unfair. Every girl here wants to kill you and every guy wants to totally own you.” Then she laughed. “Too bad you’re already taken.”

I aksed her what she meant just as the bell rang.

“Come on–walking in with Jason, like, two hours late is totally screaming ‘taken–don’t mess!’ And that is making some guys totally sad.”

“I’m not some guys property.” I complained as we walked out the room.

“Yeah, well, every guy is willing to be yours and you’ve so chosen the best option.”

Then she laughed and pulled me up the stairs towards our class. I don’t remember a single thing that was said–in any of the remaining classes. All I could think about was my hair. About not caring, mostly. It was a weird, new feeling for me. And Annie’s laughing eyes always glancing over didn’t really help. But you know what? I didn’t even care. I was, as Annie would say, totally taken. And that was a new experience for me. But I so liked it.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 5 April 7, 2008

Do you realize how weird mondays are? But whatever. I woke up, put on something hot–as usual–and then left with Annie to the bus. She is a very…energetic person in the morning. Doesn’t even need coffee. She was talking and laughing with the guys as we waited for a bus. I just scowled and picked at my nails. I was in desperate need of a manicure.

Then the bus came. And I sat down across from Annie, still ignoring her chatter. The bus was about to pull off when–boom!–some guy thrusts his hand in and yells “Stop!”

It was Jason. I really wouldn’t have noticed except he was suddenly sitting next to me, laughing about how embarassing that had been. I just smiled, still totally confused as to why. Why, a lot of things actually. Why was he on the bus–never seen him before; why didn’t he get on with his brother; why was he now sitting with me; and why was everyone looking at me–and him–like we were aliens. Their eyes were all wide and I swear it went silent. But Jason didn’t notice, he just started talking. It actually kind of hurt my ear–the loud words biting almost. I like my quiet.

“Man, I haven’t been on a bus all year!” He looked around, “Now I know why.”

Suddenly Todd was by us, smacking his brother across the shoulder. “I can’t believe you.”

I didn’t know what to do, so I just smiled and looked away. But Jason wasn’t done. He told his brother–and me, sort of–that his car had died on the driveway so he had raced to the bus stop and finally caught it at my stop. Wierd. Todd just rolled his eyes. Jason then mentioned the project and how we hadn’t gotten anything done. I nodded and started talking–not happily, but I was talking–about it and what we should do. Todd got bored and leaned back into his seat, pulling his iPod out. So it was Jason and me. And then Jason started laughing about how wierd this was; being on the bus. I told him he had no idea. That started him talking about me. A subject which, surprisingly, I’m not so comfortable with. I might like being hot, but I don’t like having to talk under the spotlight.

He asked about new York, but not nosily. He mentioned having been there once–how everything was bigger and the Hot Dogs were overated. I told him I’d never had one. he thought that was funny. I told him they were made for the tourists, not the New Yorkers. At least not my kind of New Yorkers. He smiled. And then we were at school.

He stood and let me sort of swing out in front of him. Annie was smiling at me again, not even waiting till we were off the bus to make faces. Of course, once we were off, we were seperated again. Jason sort of grabbed me and pulled me aside for a second. He said maybe we should go get some lunch and talk about the project since it seems impossible to concentrate in class. He asked for my number. I don’t know if I was surprised or not, but I gave it to him. Then he walked off, sort of waving and smiling with a “See you later”. I smiled. And it was a real smile.

Then I was surrounded by Annie and a pack of gossip-starving girls. they all started talking at once–all of it about Jason. Finally Annie sort of took over, her eyes serious and shocked.

“He has never been on a bus…since the accident.”

I laughed–that whisper was too much not to. i told her to stop acting like she was on some soap opera. Then some girl started talking.

“No–serious. His girlfriend; last summer was on a bus to D-world with her family. And the bus driver–”

“He totally fell asleep!” another interluded, “And the bus rammed into the barrier.”

“She was the only one who died.”

“Well, there is this total brain-dead geezer who got paralyzed–but he’s still alive.”

Annie just looked at me, boring deep into me, “He has never been on the bus and he has never talked to another girl like…he did.”

I didn’t know what to say. or do. Part of me wanted to laugh. It all seemed so random. I just bent and straightened out my shoes strap. The other girls started to walk away, though I knew they were still whispering about it. Annie waited for me, but she didn’t say anything. She just sort of smiled. I was left to my own thoughts, which were going crazy. Him texting me halfway through first didn’t help. He said he wanted to make sure it was my real number. Yeah, right. But I couldn’t think of a comeback–sassy, un-caffeinated me and all–so I just sent him a smile. He smiled back, said he was glad I hadn’t blown him off. That’s when I pretended my teacher was passing out a quiz and I had to stop. Which was weird. I never used to lie to get rid of boys–I would just tell them like it was or they would be the liars to get rid of me. But all I could think of was his laugh and that seemed to calm the monster within. I know–crazy.

My heart was crazy till lunch. I had never gone to the bathroom to check the mirrors so much. I didn’t know what I expected, but I knew what happened wasn’t even an idea.

Jason called me as I sat trying to be all cool with Annie. She kept glancing at me with a sort of smile–she had heard what jason had said off the bus. I tried hard not to look in those eyes in fear of smiling back. Anyway, he called and asked where I was; said lunch was totally necessary. I laughed; I wasn’t really a phone call person. I liked text. It was easier. But jason made that call easy–I didn’t say a word. Except bye. Then he was by my side. He smiled at the other girls and then asked if I was ready. I just smiled and told him a girl didn’t need an hour to prepare to get in a car. That’s when he reminded me there was no car. I looked at him and asked if he was joking. That made him blush. It was…cute.

He sort of shuffled his feet and said his mom was one of those lunch-packers. Said he knew it was pathetic, but the project, after all, called for it. Right. The project. I just nodded my head, getting a bit uncomfortable. Then Todd was on us.

He grabbed his brother around the neck and asked if he was trying to ditch him. I almost wished Jason would say yes. But Jason just laughed and pushed him off, telling Todd that it never seems to work, so why try. Then Todd sort of straddled the two of us and asked what was on the menu. By now we were out in the Florida sunshine and the gleaming grass seemed to taunt my designer jeans.

I remained silent as Todd made a joke about how pathetic Jason was being. But then Jason pulled a blanket from behind a tree. Todd laughed and asked how long he’d been planning this. jason just through it at Todd’s face and told him we couldn’t very well sit on the grass; at least the one’s who have any sort of fashion priorities. he winked at me as Todd rolled his eyes. I just smiled, not sure how I felt about sitting on an old blanket. But I did, and the sunshine seemed a bit brighter as Jason pulled tupperware after tupperware from his backpack.

“Geez, Jason. Did you pay a caterer?” Todd asked, leaning deeply into his arms. they were pretty tough. But jason lust laughed.

“Just cuz mom loves me more.”

“Yeah–you wish. I’m the charming one.”

I don’t think I meant to, but I sort of snickered. Todd sort of gaped at me, but Jason laughed outloud and sat next to me.

“Now that–” he said, touching my arm, “that was truth.” Then he held out his hand for a high five. I kind of looked at it. I don’t do high-five’s. But I gave him one. That made Todd laugh.

“You can’t expect Blaire–I mean, Brooke–to appreciate the power of a five.”

I just rolled my eyes at the snideness. It was nothing compared to things that came to mind. But I held them back. I’m not sure why.

Jason sort of chuckled, looking at me with a twinkle and saying, “I think I’d rather under-appreciate a five and be her than be you–period.”

That’s when I laughed. Jason smiled and Todd fell silent. Then the food was passed around. It was deli sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies. Neither of which had ever really been a hit in my life, but I fell in love right there. Those cookies were better than any Panna Cotta cooked up by my chef. They were…simply delicious. Jason was glad I ate so many. Todd said he was surprised I had any, must totally be so un-cool in NYC–think of the calories. Freak.

Jason apologized for his brother. I just smiled and said it was okay, I was used to wannabe’s taking bad about NY–only way to feel good about themselves. Sorry, Jason.

“Oh! Smack down!” Jason laughed, holding his hand out again. This time I smashed it–or whatever you call it. Then lunch was over. And we hadn’t said a word about the project. Todd kind of walked carelessly off, leaving me with Jason. I didn’t mind.

“So, did my mom live up to your chef?” He asked, folding the balnket with a smile.

“How did you know….” Then I laughed. “You know, not all New Yorkers have chef’s. You shouldn;’t just presume.”

He laughed, “Where’s the fun in that. Besides, there’s a type. Us un-New yorkers have to learn to see it. That’s why you’re featured in so many movies.”

“Is that so? Todd said something like that too…. Less nicely, though.” I smiled at him, slowing down for him to put the balnket away. He was hot; bending down, I mean. Not that I saw anything. He just was.

“Yeah–he can be like that. Sorry.”

I just smiled, suddenly not caring to get to class or even out of the sun. “I guess we’ll never get this project done.”

He laughed, holding the door open. “Yeah, guess not. To tell you the truth, I don’t really care. I mean, I’ve been accepted to college and a missing assignment won’t stop that.”

“Yeah–where to?”

“Cornell College–well, the Weill Cornell Medical College. Up in New York.”

“Wow. That’s impessive. What are you going into?”

He looked at me, slightly uncomfortable, but still willing to answer. “Surgery. …personal reasons, I guess.”

I just nodded, not daring push further. And I already knew anyway. “That’s really cool–really hard to get into. Will you be rooming with your brother?” I teased and he laughed.

“No! Todd doesn’t even know what he wants.”

Then we were to the stairs and the final bell rang. “Sorry; you’re late.” he didn’t look that sorry.

“Like I care–missing pottery isn’t the end of the world.”

He smiled, “I never took you for a pottery kind of girl.”

“I never took you for a medical kind of man.”

“What–you don’t think I could pull off scrubs nicely?”

I smiled, “Well….” Then I started to walk off, not really wanting to make a grand entrance into pottery.

“Brooke–can I call you? Later, I mean.”

I smiled, almost blushing. But I didn’t. I took another step up the stairs, not really sure what to say. I didn’t have to say anything. He just smiled. “I mean, for the project, of course.”

I laughed, turning and looking at him. “Yeah–as long as it is on this project. I mean, I might die if I don’t get it done.”

He laughed, his smile seeping into his chocolate eyes. “Well, we don’t want that, do we?” Then he left, sort of laughing as he walked away. I could have melted. But I didn’t. I just stood on those steps, staring off into nothingness and trying to ignore the goosebumps spreading across my arms. I’d never been so loathe to wear my Vicente Villarin halter–I’m sure I was totally sweating. No, I never sweat. I got close though.

When i finally got to class, Annie asked for details. I gave them…most of them. I don’t know how she kept from screaming when i told her he asked if he could call. I swear her face almost exploded. That made me laugh. Actually, I laughed a lot that day.

And when I got on the bus, I smiled more. He didn’t sit by me; he sat by Jenny. Which was actually really funny to watch. He would try to talk to me–or anyone else, really–but then she’d be all over him talking about how good it was to see him and how it must be totally hard. Jason got uncomfortable at that, but I just smiled. And then I had to get off and Annie wouldn’t stop talking about it. It being him looking at me and smiling at me and him going to call me. Any other day, I would have been so annoyed at her. But I couldn’t stop smiling. maybe it’s cuz I’d never liked a guy before. But I didn’t even know if I liked him or not. He was just so hot. And his smile–oh, his smile!

He didn’t call though. I wasn’t hit with a wave of fear or worry. Except for the crazy whirls my heart made whenever I got a text, i didn’t really notice. And dinner was amusing enough for me not to care. Annie thought it was so adorable, she told Cadence and Cadence wouldn’t leave me alone. She teased me over frozen green beans. And I laughed! And then I went to bed and let my head sink into that so-not-goose-feather pillow and I fell asleep, still smiling.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 4 April 4, 2008

That first week was strange. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like I finally realized I was really stuck here. I finally caught on to the fact that daddy would never come save me. He wasn’t coming back–all he had left me was a fortune I couldn’t use and a sentence to this suburbia prison. And that in itself was weird.

Every morning I’d wake up to the sound of Cadence humming show tunes or spanish love songs and I’d think “That’s my mom.” And every day I had to get out of bed and get ready to go to school. A public school. Where the hottest topic was the next school dance and who you wanted to take. In New York, my school didn’t have dances. but that was because we didn’t need them. We threw our own parties. And whoever put on the most lavish was queen or king of the school–at least till the next one. You needed to stand out. You needed to catch the whole cities attention. i’d been to parties where multiple bands came to preform–from big names to struggling rockers from across the world. There were masquerades, semi-formals, bar hopping–everything. One time, there was a runway set up through the room with a constant flow of professional models showcasing real designers. but that wasn’t even the main event. The girl’s party favors were a free designer item–of our choice. From gowns, to perfumes, whoever got back first, got the best pick. Right off the model and tailored right there if neccessary. And the models would still go on out; their cover dwindling as eager hands delved for something. The guys didn’t mind that part. I’d been to parties where we could dance by actors, actresses, musicians–famous people. So hearing about the next $15 dollar dance wasn’t all that exciting. But it was in Florida. Girls talked and talked about the gowns they were getting–the cinderella catastrophe’s of tulle and cheap satin all spewing out like a giant fairy-tale. I didn’t share my opinion on those.

Then there were the girls. Who all seemed oddly friendly–mot of them for real, too. It was like I’d stepped into teenage stepford–everyone was perfect. Well, no. They had their flaws–like make-p and clothing items. And nosiness-every day someone would be up in my face asking where I got my outfit. But they were all sweet; at least the one’s Annie introduced me too. I could see wannabe hints of my old friends in some of the people around the school. There were the bimbo’s and then the too-cool-for-you. I was used to those; it was the niceness that threw me off.

And every day I’d come home and cadence would wonder how my day had been–she was always there. I don;t think she ever stepped out of that house. I don’t know what she did in it. Definitely not cleaning. It was never clean. But she was always there, and she’d always listen–well, be willing to at least. I never really gave her the chance–as if were the closest of mother-daughter. And dinner, though it wasn’t always happy and perfect, it was always happening. Like clockwork. We’d be summoned to the table where cadence would offer a quick grace and then we’d dig in. Even if Annie and her got in fights–which actually happeend a few times–there was always dinner. And by the end of it, they were all smiles.

Annie was never intrusive. She was actually the least curious of anyone I’d met in Florida. She would compliment my clothes, but would never ask where I got them or–worse–if she could try them on. And she didn’t ask about my dad. Neither did Cadence. In fact, I don’t think I ever heard them mention it.

But the strangest of all? I was getting comfortable with it. I didn’t cringe when I got on the bus. Well, not as much. I actually learned to smile at people. But it was hard to smile when Jenny was near. She wouldn’t leave me alone. That was annoying. And a lot of the guys started talking to me. That was uncomfortable. Cuz they thought they were all that and could easily get me to drool all over them. But I wasn’t tempted–half of them were hard to look at.

Anyway, I started to find it normal to come home to Cadence’s warm smile. I found it normal to see the different sorts of clicks hanging out in different, dirty halls. I was getting used to the constant silly chatter that didn’t interest me at all. Homework wasn’t an issue–I knew everything. That left me with nothing to do but read, talk to Cadence or Annie or text girls who now considered me a friend. I didn’t care as much about my fashion magazines–though I always bought the newest ones. And I didn’t care when my NY friends sent me their newest purchase. And I started to find I was…moving on. I was starting to not miss my dad. Hardly two weeks had gone by since he died and I was already moving on! I craved starbucks more than I craved my dad. And, surprisingly or not, that made me feel awful. Well, its not like I was suddenly free or just forgetting him. It was just I’d gone my whole life without him constantly there–saturday was the one constant–and so, now that he wasn’t, I didn’t really know what to miss. And when I called Melanie, it wasn’t as easy as I thought to make jokes about where I was. When she brought up Cadence or where I was, I’d try and move around it. Because something in me didn’t want to talk bad about them. I craved my Manhattan–I even cried when we watched You’ve Got Mail on night. Cadence and Annie cried to, but for different reasons. But that didn’t mean I could hate on these people; even when Melanie told me she missed me so much. Her calls didn’t last over five minutes though–she always had to take another or get to a meeting or something. And through the days of structured comfort, I realized if I had been able to stay with melanie, I would have been alone. As usual. But I couldn’t figure out if I liked that idea.

Yet, even though I started to get comfortable, I still remained troubled by where I was. I wasn’t used to the snowless ground or the warm air. I couldn’t wrap my head around the smallness of everything and yet the hugeness of other things. The school was huge; sprawled across the land like a prison. In New York everything was tall; I’d never seen a school like that. And the endless streets of houses with parked mini-vans and screaming babies were huge. But the crowds and traffic were nothing; the shopping and food choices were worse. It was very…quiet. And, in that first week only two things really happened that are worth mentioning. Besides those, life was simple. Loud, yes. But in a simple, average sort of way. There were these mom-daughter fights that I’d never seen before. Mostly because most of my friends from manhattan didn’t know their mom let alone talk to them enough to get mad at them. And it all seemed movie-life perfect in suburbia. Well, not perfect. Normal. Kids played on the street and dads mowed lawns. People would walk just to walk and parents would go grocery shopping. I’d never seen that side of life before and it was…wierd.

The day after the first day of school, Cadence had to pick Annie up to take her directly to her piano lessons and I gladly took a ride with them–so much better than the bus. But it turns out, in suburbia, when you drop a kid off somewhere you don’t go home until that kid is in the car again. So we were running errands for, like, ten minutes before she headed back to get her. The piano lessons had been in this “downtown” so there was a bit of traffic. It stressed cadence out, but I thought it was steady enough to be better than bad. She asked me how I could stand New York traffic. I smiled politely. I don’t do small talk. But I told her you got used to it and that this wasn’t even bad. That led her down memory lane and she started telling me about her life in New York.

I’d never ever known anything about my mom, so this was interesting, though slightly awkward. Mostly because it included my dad. She told me how they’d met at the Columbia and fallen in love. They both been affluent yet she always wanted more than just money–she wanted love and family. When her parents died and she didn’t shed a tear, that strengthened her want. So she was happy to find out she was with child. This is where it got really awkward. Cuz, hello, she was saying how she loved me and then up and left like three months later. She didn’t seem to recognize my tenseness, she just went on as if she was enjoying it. And I listened. She said it was weird when she found out–not for her, but for my dad. he went all psycho saying he wasn’t ready to raise a kid and how his business was taking control of his life. When Cadence mentioned moving out of the city, things started getting stressed. That’s when she started to think maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea; having me. But she still did and that started to drive them apart. Especially with dad’s new position in the company. And after she had me, things were just totally down the drain. She looked at me and said that she wished she could blame it all on my dad, but she new she couldn’t. They both had given up trying. And when “Mr. Affair”, as she called him, came into the picture, life just flipped. She turned from the one thing she wanted and ran to the side she’d been hiding from just to not feel the pain and worry. That’s when she left. She couldn’t look at me when she told me. And I could feel hot tears running down my cheek, but I didn’t try and wipe them away. i just watched her. I watched and I wondered why she would just abandon me. Especially if Dad really didn’t want me. She said she couldn’t explain it; she said a day never went by where she didn’t feel guilty. She said her life had been ruined since she had–not that Annie was a problem, just that none of her dreams could work out. She told me she had this fear of commitment–she had failed a child, how could she keep a relationship? and that that had really ruined her second marriage to the lawyer. She said when she had found out about dad she just sat on her bed and cried. And then she called me and after that she just cried and cried. That’s when I asked her if she’d just taken me in to ease her guilt. She sort of started, rushing to say no. I don’t know if I believe her. I wanted to.

She went on and said that she had felt a sort of obligation, but that really it just came down to wanting to know the girl she had started out loving so much. She wanted to have another chance at caring for the one thing she had wanted in the first place. Then she told me I looked so much like my dad. That’s when I wiped my tears. I didn’t want to talk about him–that just made it real and scary. Just living as if nothing had happened except I moved was easier than really admitting he was super gone–not just out of town or something. Cadence seemed to get that, cuz she didn’t mention his death or anything. She just smiled at me and then turned back to the traffic, falling on her horn like a madwoman. I never knew a mood could change so quickly. It was still awkward, but she seemed to have move on and it was just me left with my thoughts. I never knew I could think so much. usually I was just doing something or planning something or ignoring everything. i never really let my thoughts run. But I did here. Maybe that’s just a side affect of the laid-backness of suburbia life. There’s no rush of the city hurrying you on. Its just you and there’s no point in ignoring it. I remember Cadence told me later that she never knew a teen could not text or be off the phone constantly; it seemed so abnormal for a teen now. She said it as a joke, but I guess it’s true. I didn’t really do anything like I used to. Well, I still loved my Chanel and Prada, but I was a lot more…calm. I don’t know if that’s the right word. I still had major attitude, but it was like I didn’t have anyone to unleash it on so I was quiet and just watching. I was learning to sort of breathe–which was actually a lot more bearable to do in Florida than it had ever been in New York City.

Then there was English. The teacher, who I decided was a witch who needed to learn how to apply make-up, assigned these impossibly boring, busy-work group projects on a friday. And I ended up with Todd and this guy named Jason. It was surprisingly bearable that first day. Mostly because Jason took over. In fact, the only thing Todd had time to say was, “Brooke–totally my next guess.” I just rolled my eyes and let Jason take charge. he was a nioce looking guy with hazelnut eyes and dark hair to match. He even had the superman chin and glasses that made him so preppy. he was smart too. Which was refreshing cuz I was starting to discover a lot of stupid people filled the school. But he smiled and introduced himself, said he had heard about me. I just rolled my eyes as Todd found it funny to mention my attitude. His exact words, I think, were, “Careful–she bites.” and Jason responded with a laugh, whispering un-quietly that “Todd has an ego that constantly needs feeding.” That’s when I found out the guys were twins! Twins! I know, right? Totally not identical, but they were twins. Weird. And we had to work together. Mostly the hours was spent with the two cracking jokes at each other. Which should have been weird, but it was actually pretty funny. i smiled, though the look I got from Todd when I did such was slightly annoying and I wanted to slap him. But I didn’t. I just went on and eventually we got each other’s numbers to actually do the project later. Jason just apologized about his brother’s unruliness with a wink. I just smiled and waved a quick goodbye, not sure how I felt about the whole thing at all.

That friday night was spent watching You’ve Got Mail with Annie and Cadence cuz Annie hadn’t finished her chores so she couldn’t have friends over. So suburbia. And I ended up going to bed at midnight. A first for me–New York nights had always been crazy. But I was tired and it had been a weird week. Everything was weird. So I went to bed. And, ya know, I was actually growing used to those itchy sheets.