Reality For Real March 26, 2009

Last night i was watching the Bachelor episode i had TiVo-ed. That’s when Matt came over. He said his girlfriend had just dumped him. He said his girlfriend had felt unloved. He said he hadn’t seen it coming. I had. Everyone had. That is, everyone who saw her with Austin. But i didn’t tell Matt that. I couldn’t really talk. I mean, his now-ex girlfriend is my roommate. Not that I like her. I don’t. She was totally wrong for him. He was totally above her. Of course, I have to say that. Because he’s my best guy-friend. Actually, he’s my only guy-friend. Seems most guys won’t just be friends with you if your boyfriend is the quarterback. I thought that stuff ended with high school. It doesn’t.

But back to the guy-friend thing. Matt was my best friend from sophomore year in high school to sophomore year now. I think my boyfriend once threatened him. But Matt just laughed. That’s how he always is. But it’s kinda stupid to laugh at a quarterback. So I had to tell my boyfriend Matt was gay. And since he doesn’t really hang out with Matt’s crowd, he bought it. Funny how easy it was. I actually see Matt way more than said boyfriend. And, come to think of it, said boyfriend has plenty of girl friends. He always did have a double standard.

So, the reality show night. I was totally just watching the T.V. And Matt was sitting there, ragging on the ex when he suddenly shut up. I glanced over at the sudden silence and he was just staring off, mouth half-opened. I asked what his deal was and then he just looked at me and laughed. He always laughs, remember?

“I didn’t even love her.” He said, as if it was the epiphany of the year. But I’d so known that. It was a duh moment for me. I mean, him and her was like me and BF. It just…happened. And it didn’t matter. That’s when I put The Bachelor on mute. And I stared at him.

“I don’t love him.” I said. He smiled slyly. “Duh.” he said. Then I laughed.

“I just wasted a year.”

“And I wasted five.” he interjected, still sly.

“What?” I argued, “you were only with her for a few months!”

He just shrugged, leaning forward, obviously eager to get to a point. “Why were we such idiots, do you think?”

I shrugged, turning the volume back up. Conversations about my boyfriend always bored me. But, i guess, by that time he wasn’t really my boyfriend. Because of my not loving and not caring and all. Still, like I wanted to analyze my own stupidity when the Bachelor was handing out his final rose. Matt understood. Sort of. He leaned back on the couch, slouching to level himself with me. He always was tall. Massive torso. But he never ever slouched. So of course I glanced at him, wondering what he was up to. But he seemed pretty intent on The Bachelor as well. It was only after the commercial break that I realized he’d inched closer. Weird. I mean, he isn’t exactly the touchy type. Which, to me was one of the deciding factors in his recent break-up since the ex was very, very touchy. So I asked if he was cold. He laughed. But then the Bachelor was up and the first girl was getting out of the limo and I was so invested in the decision that my eyes were glued to the T.V and nothing else.

The girl was my favorite. Probably because she was a lot like me. Petite. Blonde. A little cynical but still sweet. Attitude with a little bit of shyness. I’d been rooting for her since the first night when she called the bachelor out on a stupid thing he’d said. And now I was watching the finale. They were perfect for each other. Like The Notebook couple. Totally get in each other’s faces but so perfectly romantic and complete opposite. And what does he do??? He lets her go! For some green-eyed brunette who laughs like a cow. And, no, cows DO NOT laugh. I got so angry! I leapt from the couch and screamed, kneeling up by the T.V. and cursing the day the Bachelor ever got accepted to be on national television.

Matt laughed at me. Which is NOT smart to do when I’m emotionally involved in a T.V. show. i turned on him. But he just knelt next to me, allowing me to be angry for a while before he interrupted.

“Didn’t you once say I was like him?”

Yes, I had. The second week it was on. They were almost clones. Except his eyes weren’t as blue as Matt’s. But that did not seem the best time to bring up a likeness. Especially since I wanted to destroy the one on T.V. Maybe i’d settle with the twin. But Matt didn’t seem scared. He just laughed again. “And aren’t you like her?”

“YES! And he just let her go! They were perfect and he was her SOULMATE and he just made her WALK AWAY!!! It was like the best couple in the universe and–BAM–now, it’s nothing. They were perfect and….”

I stopped. Because I realized–everything. The way he looked at me when he said he hadn’t loved the ex. The way he looked when I said I didn’t love my BF. The way he said Five Years–the time we’d known each other. The way he inched closer. The way he smiled. The way he was crawling closer to me. The way I was in his arms now. The way he pushed my hair out of my eyes. The way his thumb slid across my stressed brow, softening my scowl. And now I couldn’t breathe. The Bachelor was proposing behind me to the wrong girl . But I didn’t care. My eyes were locked on Matt’s. Which were laughing. Yes, eyes DO laugh. At least his do.

“Why was he such an idiot, do you think?” His voice was a whisper, surprising.

“Maybe he just didn’t realize what was right in front of him. And they just let it go because they couldn’t see….”

My last words melted away, hazy and unimportant. He was inching closer, his hand around my neck, warm, sure. He kissed me. I kissed him. Time stopped. Everything stopped. Except him and me. That was enough. I didn’t even care what happened on The Bachelor. Because it was happening to me–my own reality. Crazy how things work out, isn’t it?

Happiness Is… January 4, 2009

Writing on mirrors
Air hugs
Silent laughter
The smell of leather
Popping packing bubbles
Late nights
Singing in the car
Romantic comedies
a new pillow
Laughing till you can’t breathe, your sides hurt, and you’re crying
—Making someone laugh like that
The first time you wear something new
Ripping off wrapping paper
Erasing a mistake
Licking the spoon
Crying
Ogling over unavailable guys
A good hair day
Water fights
Crisp dollars
Permanent markers
Rain clouds
High heels
Coloring inside the lines
No homework
Quoting movies like nobody’s business
The color green
Sleeping in
Laughing with galpals
Sprawling
Holding hands
The scratch of a pen on paper
Watching snow fall
Slippers
Doodling
Heels clicking on tile
Your “doctor” signature
Hearing your favorite song on the radio
Ooing and Awing
Being told you’re beautiful
Making up words
Daydreaming
Trying something new and absolutely bombing
Spring blossoms
Cake batter
Speeding
Getting dressed up
Falling down with someone
Shouting out something random
Warm blankets
Roasted starbursts
Sunsets
Hearing a new joke
Watching people smile
Potatoes
Reading by a fire
Sitting on countertops
Dipping your toes in
Sounding awful but singing anyway
Trying on dresses
Old books
Walking into a home reeking with goodness
Loaded with paper bags
Using big words
Doing it when everybody says you can’t
Breaking something
Using words incorrectly
Warm food
Breathing in crisp, autumn air
Music
Laughing at your mistake
Eskimo kisses
Surprises
Making a difference and not being recognized for it
The smell of hairspray
Winning
–losing
Pretending life is a musical
Holidays
Standing up for something
The sound of typing
Slow dancing
Midnight showings
Basking in the sunlight
Countdowns
Shooting stars
Old books
Talking to yourself
Being crazy

Being yourself.

Adoration July 16, 2008

I love the feel of oceans waves,
Tickling my sandy toes.
And when the wind tugs from behind,
Tossing my hair and begging me to play.

Or even the bitter salt of forgotten tears
biting upon my heart.
For the memories they pull loose
Make me grateful that they came.

And still I love
The smell of warm bread
And the sweaty aroma of an afternoon spent
toiling over the batch of grandma’s cookies.

For that is what I truly love—
The feelings,
The memories,
The dreams that everything awakens.

The first kiss, dripping with fright.
The warm hug from a caring mother.
The smell of father, laced with love.
The hunt for a dream, beginning and ending in excitement.

For, there is nothing I love more
Than a dream—be it old or new.
It doesn’t matter.
As long as it is, or was, mine.

Evalyn’s Memoirs … excerpt/preview July 11, 2008

To all my readers out there, I have been writing. I promise! But I know I’ve left you in the dark. So, I’m back. And I’m giving you a taste of the work that has distracted me! This is an excerpt from Evalyn’s Memoirs (the journal-type novel I had on one of my pages). It is just after her ball. At her ball she had been kissed and finally realized who she loved. And this is the next morning when…well, I’ll just let you read

*

I found myself outside, by the veranda. My breaths got short as I realized where I was—just outside the ballroom. I tell you, I never felt so foolish. But that didn’t stop me from letting my feet carry me down the path. I knew exactly where I was going. That’s why my blush deepened with each step. But I knew nothing could stop me. My mind was going crazy, re-imagining every moment on that path with detail. That’s why I wasn’t at all surprised to find myself in the very bit of the park where it had happened. And my memory was so vivid, I could see him standing there. He was standing with his back to me, his eyes staring off. That’s when I realized it wasn’t my imagination.

I couldn’t help but gasp, and the noise made him spin about, his entire self unkempt and rough looking. His shirt wasn’t tucked in, his jacket was unbuttoned and yet he still sent giggles down my spine. He quickly apologized for scaring me, his eyes falling to the ground as he played with one hand nervously. I bit down my smile, suddenly nervous myself.

“What are you doing here?” I asked softly, hoping on hope that I knew why; that it would coincide with why I was. He smiled, finally looking at me.

“You look beautiful, my princess.”

I paid no attention to it, I just took a small step forward, pulling back a bit of hair from my face. “Answer the question, good sir.”

He took a step forward also, staring at nothing but my eyes, speaking quickly and not at all nervously.

“After the ball, I could not let sleep. I was scared to wake and find everything to be a dream. I didn’t even try to sleep. I have been out here, standing, just hoping it wasn’t all a dream. And I don’t think it is. Your beauty haunts these paths. It’s almost as if each of my senses is completely enraptured by you and only you. These roses—I smell nothing sweet from them. And the sun. I have watched it rise and climb and fall, but it was nothing compared to your smile; your eyes. I have walked through these trees a thousand times, wondering if I could hear a birds song. But I couldn’t; I was completely entranced by your laugh. I almost went mad spending the day here, unsure of what was real or what I had imagined. Even now, I fear this is only a dream. That you, you will fade away again. It is you—your beauty—that has kept me here. I cannot leave. I am afraid it will all leave me. Nothing will ever be able to compare to your beauty ever again. I will never find joy in a rose, in a bird, in a sunset ever again. For you defy all.”

By now only his stare kept me standing. He was right in front of me, inches from my face. And then I realized his hand was grasping my face, pressing gently against my cheek. But still, all I could truly recognize were his eyes. They seemed to hold the passion of the world. The were scared and sure all at the same time. And they held me spellbound. He spoke again, more softly as I found his mouth was pressed to my ear.

“You have captured me and I will never be free. I don’t want to be. And that, my princess, is why I am here. I need you.”

I was absolutely breathless. My hand darted into his other one, the one that wasn’t holding me close. And then I smiled, looking at him. “I wish you’d call me Evalyn.”

He shook his head his eyes still serious. “No, you are my princess. You rule my heart, mind, strength. You are crowned above men and worth more than jewels. You, princess, can be known as nothing else.”

“Do you dare disobey me?” I whispered, teasing as best I could under the circumstances.

He smiled. A soft, small smile that made his eyes crinkle. “I do.”

And then he kissed me, sending that burst of magic through me. I was spinning again.

Broken Promises June 28, 2008

My foot started cramping as the minutes passed. It was tucked under my legs as I lounged on the couch, wishing everything away. He sat next to me; the piles of papers and books falling from his lap. It was near midnight. And that was when I sighed. We’d been there—same position—for over five hours. And I learned, like, nothing. At all.

“I hate English. Can we please call it quits? Please, I’m begging you.” I asked tiredly.

He laughed softly, stretching his back across the arm rest. “Lauren! You mean, you don’t find this fun?”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh yeah. No, Josh, sorry. Guess I don’t have the brain capacity of you cuz all this was in one ear and out the other.”

“Yeah, well, I guess if we don’t know it now, we’ll never know it. Might as well sleep.”

“Hallelujah.” I whispered, letting a relieved smile slide onto my face. But I didn’t move; I was too tired. I just closed my eyes and leaned my head back.

“So…should I go?”

He looked over at me awkwardly and I laughed.

“Sorry, I’m just tired.”

He nodded, biting his lip. “Ya, the drooling on the couch sorta gave that away.”

I hit him, laughing.

“Funny. At least I don’t keep looking at the kitchen as if I’m gonna die if I don’t get food this second.”

He chuckled. “That noticeable?”

I nodded, standing slowly and falling into a stretch. “Do you want something to eat?”

He stood, “Not to impose…but yes.”

I smiled, nudging him. “It’s fine. My mom would die if you left here hungry. She totally loves you.”

“Ah, yes. The only one in this house who does.”

“Well, can you really blame my dad? I mean, your family moves in, he goes over to say hi and you sick your bulldog on him.”

I could hardly say it without laughing. Josh just blushed.

“I seriously thought he was gonna kill me! He’s huge and he was practically charging at me. It was…instinctual.”

I just laughed, opening some cabinets and looking for any sort of munchies.

“But is he the only one? Who hates me, I mean?”

I glanced over at him, my forehead crinkling. “Well, there’s Balderdash. But he hates everyone.”

“Oh yes, the dog.” He said with a twinkle. His eyes always twinkled—even when he was mad.

“But is that it?” He continued, keeping his eyes on me, “Do you hate me like your dad…or do you love me—like your mom?”

I blushed, turning quickly away.

“Not in a weird way or anything.” he added quickly. “Just curious.”

I chuckled nervously. “Always curious, huh?”

He didn’t laugh. In fact, he didn’t do anything but look at me; his eyes twinkling. I didn’t know why.

We stood for a moment; him just staring, and me, blushing.

“So, what’s on the menu?” he asked finally, slipping onto one of the barstools.

I stuttered, confused and…flustered. “Well, we have peanut butter and…peanut butter.”

He laughed, “Okay then. I’m good with that. As long as it’s chunky.”

I gasped, “Of course! Only real peanut butter.”

“Isn’t that a bit of an oxymoron?”

I scowled, “No more English, kay? And you’re the one who asked for it.”

“I know, I know. I was just…quoting something. I’m surprised you don’t remember. …Sara’s pool party.”

I stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Duh! That little five year old after the food fight. He told your mom that he had oxymoron goo all over him. How could I forget? It was you who got the peanut butter out, huh? And you pretty much threw it all over him when he said he didn’t like it cuz you can’t have chunky butter.” I laughed, digging my spoon into the peanut butter. Sara was his little sister; we had been baby-sitting.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling, “You swore you’d never forget.”

I rolled my eyes, “Well that was nearly three years ago. We were like, what, fifteen. Hey—that was the same day your swimsuit flew off as you jumped from the diving board!”

He groaned, blushing under my laugh. “That, however, you swore you’d never mention.”

“Right.” I laughed. “Well, what good are promises if you can’t break them.”

“Ooo! deep!” he laughed, licking his spoon clean. “Sure your parents appreciate that theory.”

I nodded. And it went strangely quiet. Both of us were focused on swallowing.

“So,” josh said after a moment, “What are more promises we can or have broken?”

I thought for a moment. “How ‘bout how you promised me you’d pay me back for those concert tickets.”

“Oh!” he groaned, “Low blow, Lauren! Geez! well, what about you? You promised me you’d never kiss Jake. And—boom—first date, he got you.”

I gasped, “Man, josh. You are ruthless. Besides, I told you, he’s the one who kissed me. I nearly killed myself after. Pity date gone horribly wrong, remember.”

He just laughed, his eyes twinkling like mad. “Yes, well, I still think it’s funny.”

“Besides, why did it matter so much to you? You pretty much made me write in my own blood that I wouldn’t kiss him.”

He didn’t respond, just quickly thrust his spoon in his mouth. I watched him for a moment, surprised by his silence. He was never quiet; and never without a comeback.

“Well what about ones we still have to break?” he asked, avoiding my eyes. He put the spoon down, pushing the jar of peanut butter away.

I looked at him, surprised at how he totally avoiding what I’d said. but he just waited for me to respond.

“Well, we promised we would pass this test.”

He laughed, “Good one. Totally positive, too.”

I rolled my eyes. “What about you? You’ve got a promise you’re dying to break?”

He looked down, and then straight at me. It took me back; surprised me. And I found I couldn’t breathe. That’s when I realized just how close we were. Our knees were touching under the counter; his hand just by mine on the counter. I could almost smell the peanut butter on his breath.

“How ‘bout when I promised I’d never kiss a girl I didn’t absolutely love?”

I stared at him, suddenly nervous. Especially since he leaned closer.

“Well, who you got in mind, cowboy?” I asked, trying desperately to laugh. But he ignored me.

“Or, how we’d just be friends?”

Suddenly his face was hardly an inch away from mine; his eyes were sparkling again. I still couldn’t breathe. My eyes even closed. And his voice turned to a whisper. A spine tingling, total breathtaking whisper.

“How do those sound?”

I swallowed, my eyes still closed. “Good.” I whispered, losing all control as he sunk closer.

I could feel him—it was the only sense that was working. I could feel his hand slip gently around my neck, pulling me closer. I felt his thumb slowly graze my cheek, his other hand reaching my other one. I could feel his breath dance across my face. I felt my heart stop; I felt myself shiver. And then he kissed me. And I felt that.

It was as if the whole world started to twinkle and I finally felt at home. Everything seemed to be right; everything was as it should be. It was as if, in that tiny moment, years of being friends finally made sense. It was all for that single kiss. That one, beautiful tirade of broken promises. And all I could do was smile. But it was enough, because he still kissed me.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 14 May 13, 2008

Life was tense for the next week. And Jason seemed to get that. Of course, it wasn’t hard to catch on. Every time I saw Todd, heard his name, or even thought of Todd, I’d hug tighter to Jason. Randomly, in the middle of classes, I’d kiss him. Just willing myself to get Todd out of my head. English was the worst. Jason just thought I was completely in to him, which I was. But even I knew that wasn’t why I would hold tight.

On Saturday night he got it out of me. We were sitting outside on my porch swing and I wasn’t really talking. Jason just held my hand and, sighing deeply, asked me what was wrong. At first I tried to veer the conversation in another direction, but I couldn’t resist those eyes and—slowly—I told him everything. About that one time Todd had given me a ride, about the stares, about the screaming fight, and even about the kiss. I was scared to tell it, afraid Jason would stand up and go shoot his brother. But he just laughed; a slow, sad sort of laugh. I sat back, staring at him and asking what on earth his deal was.

He just shook his head, “That’s just…my brother.”

“Just your brother? Oh, so what, he can just go around kissing your girlfriend and you won’t care?” I pushed myself out of his arms, totally pissed, and scooted across the bench.

His eyes got wide. “No, that’s not what I mean! It’s just…. Todd, he….” He sighed, pulling me back over and forcing hand in his. “Todd has a habit of…wanting to be me. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. Everything I have, he wants. He just…never really was his own self. Like, my classes—he has almost the same exact schedule, but he hates half the stuff. He asks my mom for the same stuff I ask for. He’s like some sort of…leech living off of somebody else’s life.”

“So you mean to say he really doesn’t like me?” It wasn’t a sad question, or even mad. I was just asking, really curious.

He looked at me for a second, a sort of laugh in his eyes, “Who wouldn’t like you?”

I hit him, trying to keep the situation serious.

“I don’t know,” he sighed, “I can’t really say I’m surprised. He did it before. With my last girlfriend.” His voice went all quiet and I didn’t dare breathe. “He just…can’t think for himself. And, yeah, it gets annoying, but it’s him. And I didn’t think he liked you. It was just at lunch that first day that he pointed you out, said you were a nut case—but a gorgeous one. I had laughed, but I was curious. Especially when I saw you. And I told him—I told him he could go for you. And, when he didn’t, I even asked him if I could. And he said yeah—that you weren’t some cow to be bought and paid for. That all is fair in love and that he didn’t even want to try for you. That you were high maintenance and a pain. But I didn’t see that, or at least I didn’t mind it, so I went for it.”

I just watched him, different emotions coming with every word. A cow? High maintenance? Go for it? Nut case? Didn’t mind it? But I didn’t bring any of it up. I just looked down, petting his knuckles and breathing slowly. But he wasn’t done.

He laughed softly, leaning his chin on my head. “So, I just have one question for you….”

I looked up; his sparkling eyes surprisingly close and completely mischievous.

“Who’s the better kisser?”

And finally, I laughed. And he kissed me. And the night finally felt warm again.

We sat there for a while more, listening to nothing more than our own breathing. His hands still clasped mine, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt safe and comfortable. I could have slept, right there, but he had a curfew. So I walked him to his car and we stood there for a while more, sharing a kiss and then he told me something. He said I didn’t have to be awkward around Todd, that eventually Todd would get over himself. I snorted, saying that seemed a lofty hope. But Jason was serious. He told me that Todd really was a nice guy, just slightly immature. But then again, no one could blame him for falling for a girl like me–least of all Jason. He also said that I should talk to Todd, that he trusted me. I didn’t know what he expected me to say, so I just nodded, saying I’d keep it in mind. He chuckled and then, with one last hug, kissed me goodnight and left.

So I went to bed and finally felt normal again, as if the world was righted or the worries were gone. Todd still haunted the corner of my mind, but now it was a little less threatening. Especially since I could still feel Jason. And it felt…good.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 12 April 30, 2008

Life was weird after my fiasco. Well, not all of it; just the parts including Todd. I felt sick around him—I wanted to punch him and cry and run all at the same time. But no one else seemed to notice, least of all Jason. He was oblivious, which isn’t that big a deal considering I avoided Todd completely. Once I saw him coming down the hall and he saw me, and I just spun around and went the long way. I was late to class. And then He once left some of his friends and started walking towards me—I knew he wanted to talk to me. So I swerved into the bathroom. I just didn’t want to deal with him and his…. No, the thing was—and this made me sick to discover—that a part of me wanted to ask. And another part of me was completely flustered. Like butterfly-flustered. And that made the other part of me sick, but it didn’t make it go away—that part that I really don’t want to mention.

I started to spend a lot more time at home. Home; I had never used that word. Even in Manhattan, it was my apartment, never my home. But I guess I was comfortable where I was at. There was always this sort of warmth in the house and I liked being there. It really was my home. Anyway, I found out Cadence was a nurse at a nearby children’s clinic. I found out because she thought my weirdness was a disease. She sat me at the counter and started looking down my throat and in my ears—she even did that thing where they kick you knee or whatever. I’d never done that before. As soon as she realized I was indeed not sick, she gave me a sucker and told me I was pretty healthy for being so depressed. It was a joke and I actually laughed. Annie and I started talking a lot more. She told me she was dying to be asked to prom which wasn’t until April. Then she asked me if I wanted to go; if I’d ever been. I hadn’t, there was no prom where I came from. And in all the movies it looked pretty lame anyway. But she wouldn’t buy it. She asked if I wanted to go with Jason. And you know what? I really couldn’t answer. I told her a lot of stuff, but nothing about Todd. And she was sweetly naïve to anything but what I said flat out. And she loved to talk so much, it wasn’t like she’d listen. She’d just wait for a break and then start talking. But I was fine with it, because I wasn’t much of a talker. And she made me laugh. Life at home was good and calm. It was super weird because it was like this pit and it was always dirty and smelt really funny sometimes, but it was a haven. And I spent a lot of time there because of it.

The only person who didn’t really like that was Jason. He said I’d been a lot more reclusive, wondered if it was something he’d done. I assured him it was not, that I was just getting used to everything. And eventually he grew used to it. He still called every night to say goodnight. And he’d offer a ride every day. I was careful to make sure Todd wouldn’t be there otherwise I’d say no. We spent a lot of quiet time together, like just holding hands or going to a movie. It was like we were past the need for conversation; we just were with each other. And that was comfortable. But then I’d see Todd glance our way and I’d get queasy, like he was judging or longing for something. I’d always drop Jason’s hand or stop cuddling if I saw Todd looking. It was just weird.

But then came Valentines Day—the most uncomfortable day if you’re single. But I discovered it was also the most awkward day if you have a boyfriend and his brother keeps watching you and you have this question in your brain about why. Jason didn’t offer me a ride, but when I woke up there was about a dozen of a dozen bouquets of all different colored long-stemmed roses on the doorstep. Annie wouldn’t stop squealing and she wouldn’t concentrate, so we missed the bus and Cadence had to drive us on her way to work, so we were late. But when I got to my first class, there was a single deep red rose on my desk. Everyone stared at me when I picked it up. And it was all super awkward. I had no idea what to do with it, but I knew I couldn’t throw it away or put it in my bag. So I just left it on my desk till I had to leave. But there were roses in every single class for me, all red. Annie, luckily, was in most of my classes and she thought it was so adorable, she would hold them the whole time. But I was scared for lunch. Not scared enough though, because it turned out to be a really long day.

I was on my way down to lunch, but I was going the long way in hopes of receiving fewer stares at my growing bouquet. But then Todd rounded the corner and I had no time to react. We both just stopped and looked at each other. Then he asked what the deal was, why was I avoiding him. I couldn’t believe he asked, so I just rolled my eyes and tried to get around him. But he wouldn’t let me.

“Brooke, what’s the problem? You can’t totally avoid me; you’re going out with my brother. Can’t we just be, like, civil—”

“Oh, shut up, Todd. We’re not friends and there’s no chance we’ll be friends after what you…said.”

He stared at me, his face reddening, but he wouldn’t let me pass. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to.” I snarled.

“I didn’t…mean it. I mean, competing with my brother always turns into a losing position for me.”

“What? Am I some prize? You guys take a bet over who could win me? I’m not for sale—to either of you!”

He grabbed my arm as I swung around. “No, that’s not what I meant. I—”

“What? I seethed, ripping my arm from his, “What do you mean? Just say it—do you like me or not?”

He didn’t answer; he just stuttered and looked down. And I turned as red as my roses. But not because I was mad, but because those flustered butterfly’s jumped in my gut again.

“You’re an idiot, Todd. What do you expect me to do?”

Suddenly he was mad. “You’re right—I am an idiot. I mean, look at what I wanted! I’m glad I didn’t take a bet on you—it’d be a waste of money. You’re just some spoiled brat who thinks the world revolves around her! I’m glad I’m not stuck with you and your selfish, high-maintenance self.”

I scoffed, fuming, my breath was catching and my voice was rising. “Well, I’d rather be a brat than be you. Look at you! You can’t even talk or stand up for yourself. And you’re so sure you are the best out there, you don’t even fight to be better. At least Jason’s going somewhere. You aren’t trying to be anything! You’re the spoiled one—life’s being fed to you and you have nowhere to go come graduation. Life will slap you hard, so don’t call me the brat!”

“Oh, you think you’re God?” he screamed, “You think that just because you go out with my brother, you know me? He doesn’t even know me! You guys don’t even talk around or about me! Just because I didn’t throw myself out there or tell the world my dreams doesn’t mean I don’t have any. My parents might be rich, but I’ve had to take care of myself for a while now—I’m not some spoiled girl who cries when she can’t get her frappacinno or get to some fashion show.”

“Yeah, so I don’t know you. But it doesn’t take the I.Q. of a genius to realize you don’t have any plans or a drive for anything higher. So prove, mister high-and-mighty. Prove you’re more than just some pig-headed little brother. Prove to the world that you’re suddenly more than just a nobody! Prove—”

Suddenly he grabbed me and kissed me. My roses fell from my arms and scattered across the hall. My mind was a screaming mess of emotions, but my heart was worse. All I could do was stand there. I was frozen because I couldn’t decide what to do. But as soon as he let me go, I just stared at him and I reacted. I slapped him, spun around and walked off. I didn’t dare look back; I didn’t care about my roses—I didn’t even run. I just walked slowly away and down to where Jason and I always sat. But I was still numb. It was like the earth was moving in slow motion—silent as a grave. I could see Annie standing nearby eagerly, her eyes sparkling as if she knew something I didn’t. I could see Todd down the hall, rubbing his jaw gently. And then I saw Jason. He held dozens roses, each with a chocolate kiss tied around the stem. He offered them to me, his million-dollar smile beaming up at me. I smiled, grabbing them and falling into his arms. But I was still numb and it still felt like an awful black and white movie. I felt sick inside, and I wiped at my eyes where hot tears started to fall. But everyone else just thought I was being sappy.

Jason spun me about; I could feel him laughing, but I didn’t hear it. And the world went slower when we spun past Todd. I could see his face—the hurt, the embarrassment. And I hugged tighter. As soon as Jason set me down, I kissed him. Hard. And that’s when my senses finally woke up. I could suddenly hear clapping and cheering and laughing. I heard Jason whisper in my ear. I felt his hand in mine. I could even feel the rose thorns cut at my hands. But I didn’t care. Because every time I tried to smile, I would see Todd out of the corner of my eye and I felt sick. And every time I felt sick, I’d hug tighter to Jason, desperate for something to stabilize me. I wanted to go home, but school was hardly over.

As soon as things calmed down and it became more normal, I told Jason I had to go to the restroom. And when Annie followed me and started giggling, I went even further. I left her in the bathroom with all my roses and went to the office to call Cadence.

I told her that I suddenly felt sick, that it must be the school food. She said she’d come get me. So I texted Jason that I was going to go home, that his roses were beautiful and I loved them, but that I felt sick—it must have been the casserole Cadence had cooked. He said he’d see me tomorrow. So I just went to the front foyer and waited. And as the bell rang and the halls emptied, I slid down the wall and started crying. And it hurt; the tears. But the worst was that I couldn’t figure out why I was crying, and it killed.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 10 April 24, 2008

I did call him back–no worries. And it wasn’t awkward, it was…fun. We just talked. A lot about New York because he was going to go to school there. But I’m glad we did that on the phone, because it did kind of hurt. I missed the noise and the bustle of the city. The shopping, the art shows, the fashion capital–I even missed broadway. But it was still nice; talking with him. It kind of felt like home; like I was with my dad eating breakfast. And I don’t mean that creepy, I just mean in was comfortable and somehow familiar. Besides, dad was the only guy in my life to compare him to. And I did. And it came out good!

But, anyway, we spent a lot of time together that next week. He didn’t kiss me again, or even grab my hand. He was surprising. Whenever I expected a kiss, he wouldn’t give it. In a moment where he should of held my hand, he doesn’t. And I think a lot of it’s on purpose. Like he’s toying with me–in a good way–and making sure I stick around for him and not just for the kissing or whatever. But he was a good kisser and I sometimes just wanted to tell him to get over himself and kiss me again. But I didn’t. And he didn’t, though his eyes always twinkled mischieviously.

Annie thought it was the funniestt thing; to watch us. She wouldn’t bother us when he was over or when we sat together at school, but she would always watch with a smile and would fall into these awkward fit of giggles. And afterwards she’d be on me for details and gushing about how cute we were. I just laughed. And I did like it–all of it. And evweryone else seemed to like it or at least be fine with it. Half the school would watch our every move. Annie had let all her friends know about “us” and that just spread. I had never seen something explode through a group of people so fast. It’s like everyone knew and everyone was talking about it.

I discovered that week that jason had been number one on the school’s Hottest Bachelors list–yeah, they had one–but, by late monday he’d been taken off and we started climbing the Cutest Couples list. See, they had this whole non-official school site. Mostly loaded with gossip. It was ridiculously funny to look at. Annie worshipped it and always told me when something happened that she thought I should or would care about. I was number one on the Luckiest list. i thought it was because of Jason, but the anonymous comments said otherwise. They all talked about my clothes and hair and money and history. It was really weird. But cool; to be so popular without having to really do anything. And they had pictures–I don’t know where they got them. I printed the one they had of Jason and me. Which made me feel retarded, but it was cute. And I realized I liked being liked. And knowing I didn’t have to guard Jason from other girls was nice. The whole school seemed to be seriously happy for us–isn’t that weird?

Well, except Todd. He seemed to despise seeing us together. I gues I was stealing his brother away and he didn’t like it. But, whatever. He didn’t hang out with Annie again. He at least recognized her presence, which was actually enough for her. She was happy to just get a nod-of-the-head or a “wassup” as he walked down the hall. In fact, she told me he’d been kind of annoying on the date. Slightly zoned. But she hadn’t mind cuz, according to her, “Hello! He’s so hot!”. Still, it weird to go to Jason’s house with him because Todd would just stare icily at us. It really made it uncomfortable and even jason would tell him to bug off.

I went to his house for dinner one night and his mom was total ’stepford’ catalogue material. And I mean that in the nicest way. She was really sweet and even put my cook to shame with her homemade lasagna. But she was…prefect. In a realistic way. Unlike my NY friends mom’s who pretended everything was good but really they just played around with guys and got mani-pedi’s. But Jason’s mom was all smiles. She greeted me with a hug–wearing an apron and an oven mitt–and told me jason hadn’t been exagerating when he called me beautiful. That made jason blush and me laugh. Then she told me to hurry and make myself comfortable and sit down and ‘the husband’ should be home in a few and ‘Oh, you are just lovely’ and ‘Please call me karen’. It really made me laugh–it was so…unexpected. And when his dad came home it was even more surprising. He walked in and I could tell he was tired, but both Jason and Todd stood up and gave him a hug and I stood up because I didn’t know what else to do. He looked at me with a warm smile and said “So this is the girl who’s captured my son? Well, i think he’s the one who got the prize.” I just smiled as Jason came to my side. And that’s when he grabbed my hand–of all the times to do it; right in front of his dad! But he just smiled and winked jokingly at me. Then Karen came back in and started laughing and talking and telling Todd to hurry and go get Mary from next door. Mary was their little sister. She was seven and just as adorable as Jason. But I didn’t tell her that. We sat around at the dinner table and, as usual, someone brought up my clothes. It wasn’t even a big deal–just some DVF coso dress. But karen just had to tell me she loved it–that I was gorgeous. Everyone laughed. that’s how the whole evening went. laughing and joking. Mostly they just talked, and I listened. The parents told me stories about Jason and Todd. One was about jason convincing Todd to go to school as a girl on the first day. Todd didn’t think it was funny, but everyone else was laughing. Especially when they said the whole school fell for it. It was only when Mary yawned that the dinner ended. It was about nine. But before mary went off with her mom, she leaned over to me and asked seriously, “Do you love jason?” Awkward. I blushed like never before and would not look anyone in the eye. but no one else seemed uncomfortable. Karen pulled mary into her arms and said with a wink my way, “No, honey, loves yucky.”

Then Jason drove me home and finally kissed me. He whispered, “Love isn’t yucky to me.” and then I went inside and he drove off. It was all such a…culture shock, I just thought about it the rest of the night. It had been strangely fun and totally different than anything i had or could have imagined. But I liked it. And I was starting to see that jason was as random as his family–but in a good way.

The day after, jason couldn’t give me a ride, I rode the bus. And I was walking down to class and he suddenly appears next to me, grabs my hand, and kisses me on the cheek. I was surrounded by all of Annie’s friends. That was really awkward. I had no idea what to do, but he didn’t give me a chance to do anything. He just ran back down the hall. None of the girls said anything, they just stared and giggled under their breath. Annie would nudge me constantly and giggle and do this weird little dance, like she was happy for me. It was all so weird. But, I guess I was getting used to it. Because the next monday at lunch, I quickly sat down next to him and kissed him. But I did it on the lips–in front of his friends. And his brother. And I got a grasp as to why he did things so randomly and unexpected–it was fun. And it tasted better; or at least sweeter. There was always that split second where the other was too surprised to do anything, and that was the best part. So we started to constantly try and surprise each other. No one else seemed to appreciate that.

We were dropped a level in the stats. The anonymous voters said we were annoying. Someone even said that–and I quote–we were “so nasty; no one likes PDA–get a room and stop slobbering all over eachother and the entire school.” Which I thought was funny, but Annie just started screaming about how stupid jealous people were. That’s when i found out you had to pay $25 to become a member and participate in votes. And in order to even find the person to pay, you had to become connected to the “anonymous”, who no one really knew. But that was one thing I didn’t care about. I could have been at the bottom of that list and still gone after those kisses. Annie was right; they were just jealous. or they should be. Because those kisses were good–stolen or not.

Cinquain March 6, 2008

Jumpy,
on the great edge,
nerves tickling the spine
and you drop, drop–
freefall.

-*-

Kisses.
different kind
of sweet, with tastes of plums
and lollipops
combined.

-*-

Pennies
Tarnished, forgot
In the constant downpour,
The luck lost as the shine is wiped
Away.

-*-