Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 9 April 22, 2008

I was reading Vogue with Annie. Well, she was actually laughing at People Magazine; but we were both on the bed. It was late Saturday—hours after I kissed him. He hadn’t called. And I was still tingling. But Annie didn’t bring it up, neither did I. I just pretended to care about the celebrity gossip Annie was telling me about. Of course, once she found I had met the guy twice, she didn’t really care about the gossip. She wanted to know about his arms. But it all seemed sort of forced. And when my phone buzzed, the world seemed to freeze. Annie eyes got wide and she stared at me, mouth opened in mid-sentence. I wanted to roll my eyes and say it wasn’t a big deal. I really wanted to have the self-control to not reach over and grab it half-way through the second ring. But I didn’t. And I grabbed it. It was Cadence.

“Hey, Brooke! Are you with Annie—she isn’t answering her cell.”

I don’t know if I was relieved or heartbroken or annoyed. I just handed the phone to Annie and went back to my magazine. She fell back on the bed and started talking tiredly to her mom about laundry or something. I just flipped aimlessly through the pages, oblivious to things that would have been ripped out and put on my “necessary” list just weeks ago. I didn’t get depressed or even giddy when I saw the new Armani handbag I’d been dying for since Christmas. Melanie had admitted that dad was going to get it in Rome. But then he died. And I don’t think that really hurt my want for the bag. But still, I didn’t seem to care anymore.

Annie tossed the phone next to me when she was done. Automatically I picked it up and slid it open. There was no text—most of Manhattan had forgotten me—but there was a message. And my heart stopped beating.

“Did someone call while you were on?” I asked, trying to play it cool.

She just flipped onto her stomach, pulling the magazine to her face. “I dunno.”

I stared down at the blinking message. The pathetic part was, I didn’t want to touch it. But I did. And I put it to my ear slowly and leaned in to hear it. Annie noticed that I was no longer listening and she looked over at me. I guess I seemed kind of struck because she caught on that someone had called and that I was now listening to something juicy. Her whole face lit up and she crawled closer, biting her lip and giggling. I just waited, listening to my voice machine and waiting for it to jump to the message.

“Hey, uh, this is Jason.” And then his voice laughed. And I couldn’t help but smile. “Wow—this is awkward; not talking to you. Not that I’m talking to you, just…being on the phone and not talking directly.” I could almost see him blushing and it made me blush. Annie just smiled, leaning closer and trying to hear.

“Yeah, well I sound retarded. I’m usually a lot more suave.” Another chuckle. “Just another side-affect to…everything, I guess—but I’ll take it. Dang. I didn’t really call for any reason. I just wanted to hear your voice—I didn’t mean that as psycho as it sounded. Jeez, this message is a mess. Does your voice mail have a delete option? I think I’ll stop now…. Man, you’ve sent me into a tizzy.” A pause. “And I can’t believe I just said that. Kay, well, if you still have any respect for me after this—I hope you do—give me a call.” He breathed out and then laughed softly, “This is harder than I thought. I–…bye.”

And then it was done. And my smile just exploded across my face; I fell on my back laughing.

Annie started squealing and poking me, asking about what he said and what he wanted. But then the garage door went up and she cursed under her breath, jumping from the bed and shouting about some chore she hadn’t finished. I just smiled and smiled and smiled.

And it was weird. I’d never been so…happy. It was like my whole past life went dim to the ‘now’ I was living. I think that’s partly why I laughed. Just weeks ago, if I had met Jason in New York, I wouldn’t have cared. I probably would have given him the same treatment I’d given Todd. Or worse. Especially if he had been as nice as he was. I would have scowled at him—a wrinkle free scowl, mind you—and told him to get out of my way. And even if, just by chance, I had decided to give him a chance, I never would have started to go out with him. My dad had been my man. But if he’d miraculously gotten by that and I had decided to kiss him, it would have been a totally different relationship. I had seen my friend’s relationships. They were never about feelings, they were about material. The girls at my school would fight for the richest, even if they didn’t like him. And the guys liked it. They didn’t try and be nice; they didn’t have to. They’d come in Rolex’s and designer argyle with a hundred dollar hair cut and stand around till a hot girl walked by and then they’d pull out their wallets and ‘flash’ the money. If that didn’t work, they’d start bringing gifts—but not out of love. It was all about lust. In my world, chances were if you could afford a personal suite, you could get a girl in bed. I’d seen girls break up with guys because they wanted what another had. Friends would destroy friends to get the other girls man. If a guy started feeling for another girl, he would drop his girlfriend and go for it—even if it means another world war or the start of a vendetta. If there was ever a place to raise gold-digger’s, it was upper Manhattan. I’d been there. And now, here I was, giggling about a completely embarrassing message and thinking about the guy who had left it. It was kind of…weird.

Here I had spent my life with this one focus, or lack thereof, only to now have it totally changed. My dad had died, but I cried more when I found out I was being forced to Florida because of it. I had met people, seen things, been places that most people only dream of—and I hadn’t cared. I was more awed by a designer’s piece than I was by a sunset in France. Sitting there just made me think how…different I was. Here I was, living in the tiniest house ever built, with two strangers who I just recently met and who were related to me and who served frozen pea’s and fried chicken for dinner. I was going to a public school and sitting on a school bus and washing my clothes in machines. I hadn’t had a manicure in a month, I had lived without starbucks for more than a day and I had kissed a guy who liked me for me; who wanted me just because. It was the total opposite of my past life and I didn’t really care. Well, I missed my fashion shows and my apartment. I definitely missed my cook and New York, but I wasn’t dying. I was a totally different person. For one, I smiled a lot more. I learned how to bite down nasty remarks. I had shared my clothes with Annie. And it hadn’t even been a month. I was still stuck in a hot January, in the sunshine state, with another five ahead of me—with it only getting hotter. But, that phone call, I could take on anything—I felt on top of the world. So I just lay on my bed—cheap paisley and all—and smiled. For the first time, life was actually good.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 8 April 18, 2008

They both came up to the door and Cadence answered it–she paid us for the honor. I was almost scared she’d bring out the camera or that Annie would freak and not say a word. But they both acted pretty calm. I introduced Todd to his date and smiled as he just stared. Not a creepy stare, just a relieved, almost-excited look. Annie just laughed and asked if we were gonna go. Todd smiled and turned slightly to let her out. Jason laughed at me as I started after them, whispering under his breath about how Todd had been so scared you’d set him up with some monster. I quickly announced that if anyone should be scared, it should be Annie. He snickered and opened the door for me. I looked back at Todd and Annie, packed into the back.

“You know, I could sit back there with Annie so there’s more room.”

Annie didn’t really here. Todd just smiled, stretching his arms across the seat, “Nah, I’m sure we’ll be fine–totally comfortable.”

Annie giggled as he threw her a wink. “Totally.”

I just rolled my eyes and got comfortable, glancing at Jason adn trying to calm the raging butterflies in my stomach.

“So where are we going?” I asked casually, crossing my legs and moving my purse.

“It’s a surprise.” Todd yelled from the back. I ignored him and kept my attention on jason.

“Downtown.” Jason said, keeping his eyes on the road.

“You mean there’s a town?” I teased. He glanced at me with a million dollar smile and shrugged. I just laughed, letting the wind from his window catch my hair. He hadn’t put down the top, and I was glad.

Todd and Annie were laughing in the back. Turns out it wasn’t a complete blind date. They had had a class together once and he had even went out to lunch with her–in a big group–last year. So that meant Jason and I were kind of alone conversation wise. I never knew how much attention it took to drive. I never really had. I had my liscense, but I’d never really used it. When he found that out, he pulled over and my stomach dropped.

“Come on–you’re gonna drive.” He stared at me, his eyes twinkling. I just looked at that wheel, the windshield and I shook my head. Annie giggled in the back and Todd just stared humoredly.

“No–I don’t even know where we’re going and–I haven’t driven in, like, a year. I’ll prorably kill someone.”

“There are airbags.” Jason said simply.

I was going crazy. “Well, what if I run over a small child? Or a chipmunk! I could be arrested.”

“A small child?” Jason repeated, laughter brimming on every word.

I blushed, “Yes!”

He just rolled his eyes, got out of the car, and came along to my side.

“Come on,” he said magically, almost melting me into goop. “I’ll help you. And you can’t be arrested–you have your liscense and a wonderfully connected guide.”

Then he took my hand–I think I would have jumped off a building with him if I could just hold his hand. “My uncle’s a cop,” he explained, guiding me back around the car, his hand still hugging mine. “And I’m a genius at the road. Besides, driving is like riding a bike–you can’t forget how to do it.”

“You can if you’ve never ridden a bike before!” He just laughed, not realizing how dead serious I was. And when he closed my door and moved around to the other side; and when Todd and Annie just leaned back comfortably I knew they were all serious–they wanted me to drive.

I stared at the car. It was a beautiful car. And I could imagine how fast it could go; how fun it would be. I nervously grabbed the wheel and looked down at my feet, checking to see the pedal’s. I wasn’t even sure which one. Jason just took my hand again and placed it on the gear shift. He teased me; told me what every letter stood for and then willed me to put it in Drive. I did. And then I pressed on a pedal and we screached into the road. I slammed on the break as another car swerved around us with a loud honk.

“I so can’t do this.” I whispered, my hands already numb. The whole car broke into laughter adn I blushed some more.

“You can’t just jump in front of cars–come on, you’re doing great.”

“Just make sure to look out for small children.” Todd mocked from the back. Suddenly I wanted to run into a pole just to shut him up. Jason told me I’d do fine, that anyone was a better driver than Todd. So I took my foot off the brake and pressed it gently to the gas. And we moved! When I smiled, relieved, Jason just told me to go a little faster so I could hit the speed limit. I’d like to think it was my heels and that I couldn’t feel the pedal, but I shoved my foot down hard and we swerved farther into the street, hitting near freeway speeds. And we all started to scream. Jason’s was humored, mine was terrified, Todd’s was near death and Annie was bloody murder. My hands lost control of the wheel and the car headed towards a mailbox. Then jason grabbed the wheel and I managed to slam on the breaks. The smell of scorched tar floated through the window and it went deathly silent. It all happened in like six seconds and we were just in an emtpy residential road, but I almost had a heart attack. Jason started to laugh.

“Yeah–maybe you shouldn’t drive.” And something in his sparkly eyes made me laugh. Or maybe it wss the euphoria of not dying. I eagerly opened the door and started back to my side. jason met me halfway, bent over to look under the car–which was about four inches from the mailbox–and said we were safe–there were no small children. I just smacked him and almost twisted my ankle climbing over the curb but he caught me with another laugh. I should have been embarassed–I never tripped–but I felt strangely comfortable looking into those laughing eyes.

The rest of the ride was awkward. And I knew it was my fault. I think it gave me a permanent blush. Todd and Annie kind of stared at me and Jason wouldn’t stop making jokes about it. Things like “No wonder there’s so much traffic in New York—they can’t drive” or “Next time I’ll take your word for it”. But, to be honest, I didn’t really care. I felt oddly smug in an I-told-you-so kind of way. And I was totally energized—I laughed and joked back and talked more than I think I ever had before. And after the hour drive, when we pulled up to a Starbucks, my smile got bigger.

I jumped out of the car and started jumping around. I ran to Jason’s side and hugged him—hugged him! He laughed and let me; at least I’d like to think so. Todd just coughed behind us and made a joke about how caffeine was the last thing I needed. Annie laughed, but I hugged tighter. It was good to see something familiar again. And it smelled so good—I hadn’t had real coffee since I flew down here. I just eagerly waited for Jason to open the door and then I flew in, licking my lips as the wave of grounded coffee and frappes hit me.

“I’ll have a tall Java Chip Frappuccino—no whip cream.” I said, totally at home. Jason just shook his head and smiled, ordering next. I didn’t really hear what he ordered; I just waited eagerly for mine. And as soon as everyone had theirs, we got back in the car.

I was in my own little starbucks world. Until we pulled up to an Italian restaurant. I loved Italian. At first I thought we were going in, but Jason just winked and said he’d be back. And he came back loaded with steaming hot food that smelled like heaven. With my frappuccino done, all I could think about was that food. Plus, it was already about nine and I was starving. So I just watched curiously as Jason casually drove farther and farther away. And then we were on the beach.

I must admit it was ugly in comparison to the beaches I’d seen. I’d been everywhere—Jamaica, Hawaii, Cancun, Greece, France, Mexico, Bora Bora. But there was something magical about it all. Having Jason offer his hand to help me out, seeing the guys grab a pile of picnic supplies from the back, smelling the food, being told to take my shoes off and walk across the sand, watching the stars twinkles across the water—it all seemed like some movie scene. Annie even leaned closer and whispered, “Life is so romantic when you’re rich!”

We just sat on a huge blanket on the beach, eating everything Italian and laughing—a lot. And as the night chill started to set, Jason got a little closer and my butterflies beat a bit faster. I still remember when his hand grazed mine. He didn’t touch it entirely; his fingers just teased mine, almost as if it had been an accident. I turned and looked at him, suddenly filled with courage rather than butterflies. I just slid my hand into his, letting my fingers fall into his. He smiled slyly and I just gave him a comfortable look. Annie and Todd were laughing about some joke and Jason pretended to listen, but I could feel him tighten his grip on my hand. That’s when my butterflies came back.

But as soon as Todd and Annie got up to go play in the water, I fell to the ground, letting gravity pull Jason with me. We just lay there, our hands linked and our smiles wide.

“I didn’t expect that,” he said with a laugh.

I smiled flirtingly, “I’m a forward girl—I get what I want.”

He pulled my hand up slightly in the air, sort of massaging my fingertips with his, “I’ll take your word on it.” He whispered, nudging closer. And then he kissed me. And it was pure magic. Better than a frappuccino; better than Italian. More shocking: I’d give up my wardrobe to do it again.

And that’s when I heard Annie gasp and Todd cough. I quickly sat up, my cheeks flaming like a hotdog at scout camp—at least what I think a hotdog at scout camp would look like; I’d never really seen one.

Jason sat up just as quick though there was more laughter in his smile than embarrassment.

“Hey,” Todd said, staring at his brother, “Now that the make-out session is done, we should probably get going.”

Annie giggled, trying hard to appear invisible. But as soon as Jason stood and started gathering stuff, she grabbed me, her mouth open and eyes twinkling.

“What the crap was that?” She squealed, “I leave you for like two seconds and suddenly you guys go all ‘Notebook’ on me?”

I laughed, still hot and inflamed. “It just…happened.”

She snorted in a kind of ‘duh’ way. “Yeah—we noticed.”

I didn’t say anything. We just stood next to the car, waiting for the guys to finish cleaning up. But all I could do was play that kiss over and over in my head. I bit my lip, wishing everyone would disappear—except Jason. I kept looking at him; I couldn’t stop. And whenever our eyes met—which was often—I’d just smile. And whenever Todd rolled his eyes at us—which was also often—Jason would blush, which was oddly adorable.

When we finally got in the car, I wish I could say things were awkward. But they weren’t. It was an hour-long drive back but it passed like seconds. Well, it was probably awkward fro Annie and Todd. Probably because Jason and I didn’t try to talk or anything. We just smiled and kept glancing at each other, which would make us smile more. Todd seemed kind of mad at his brother, but he was still very talkative. He would crack jokes to Annie about how next time they should try it. That made me look back—Annie would blush and giggle but get her flirt on at the same time. I found that more putrid than walking in on a kiss would be. It made me sick. But Jason just laughed and teased everyone.

It was just past midnight when we pulled up to Cadence’s house. I was dead tired but still feeling on top of the world. And Jason holding me back, allowing Todd and Annie to leave first, didn’t really help. He stole my hand and walked me gently up the walk. Annie walked in after hugging Todd and gave me one last stare. Then Todd walked back to the car, whispering under his breath for Jason to hurry it up and “keep it G rated”. That was awkward. But Jason didn’t let it faze him. He walked me to the door and told me that it had been amazing—that I was amazing.

“You weren’t too bad yourself.” I managed to say, still holding his hand, and knowing it was a total awful, cheesy response. But he just smiled.

“You know, you’ve surprised me.”

“What?” I teased, “You don’t think Manhattan preps can be amazing?”

“No, I mean…I guess. I just didn’t expect the girl with the attitude that almost made my brother cry would be…for me.”

Suddenly I didn’t feel like teasing anymore. I wanted to kiss him—bad. But I resisted, if only because I knew Annie had to be watching from somewhere—not to mention Todd.

Then he hugged me; a warm hug that spread like wildfire. It was nice and he whispered in my ear before he pulled away. “I’m glad I was wrong.”

And then he left me breathless at the door and I couldn’t move. He was halfway down the walk when I did it. I called his name. And when he turned to look at me, I didn’t even hesitate. It took me two seconds—a miracle in heels, I might add—to reach him and then I kissed him hard. I totally went ‘Notebook’ on him and I could feel him smile through it all. And then I let him go, feeling my feet finally touch ground. I ran in the house and closed the door, sliding down it just willing myself to breathe again. I felt like a little girl, but it felt good.

Annie fell next to me, a mess of giggles and squeals. I didn’t hear her. I just touched my lips, my smile as big as the world. I didn’t sleep the whole night, though I did slip into my room as soon as I could. I just lay on the bed and laughed. I was giddy. More giddy than I had been at the fashion show sitting across from Brad Pitt. More giddy than shopping in Paris. I was number than I had been when dad died. And you know what? That was okay. I was wonderfully fine with it. And what’s more? I could still taste his smile.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 4 April 4, 2008

That first week was strange. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like I finally realized I was really stuck here. I finally caught on to the fact that daddy would never come save me. He wasn’t coming back–all he had left me was a fortune I couldn’t use and a sentence to this suburbia prison. And that in itself was weird.

Every morning I’d wake up to the sound of Cadence humming show tunes or spanish love songs and I’d think “That’s my mom.” And every day I had to get out of bed and get ready to go to school. A public school. Where the hottest topic was the next school dance and who you wanted to take. In New York, my school didn’t have dances. but that was because we didn’t need them. We threw our own parties. And whoever put on the most lavish was queen or king of the school–at least till the next one. You needed to stand out. You needed to catch the whole cities attention. i’d been to parties where multiple bands came to preform–from big names to struggling rockers from across the world. There were masquerades, semi-formals, bar hopping–everything. One time, there was a runway set up through the room with a constant flow of professional models showcasing real designers. but that wasn’t even the main event. The girl’s party favors were a free designer item–of our choice. From gowns, to perfumes, whoever got back first, got the best pick. Right off the model and tailored right there if neccessary. And the models would still go on out; their cover dwindling as eager hands delved for something. The guys didn’t mind that part. I’d been to parties where we could dance by actors, actresses, musicians–famous people. So hearing about the next $15 dollar dance wasn’t all that exciting. But it was in Florida. Girls talked and talked about the gowns they were getting–the cinderella catastrophe’s of tulle and cheap satin all spewing out like a giant fairy-tale. I didn’t share my opinion on those.

Then there were the girls. Who all seemed oddly friendly–mot of them for real, too. It was like I’d stepped into teenage stepford–everyone was perfect. Well, no. They had their flaws–like make-p and clothing items. And nosiness-every day someone would be up in my face asking where I got my outfit. But they were all sweet; at least the one’s Annie introduced me too. I could see wannabe hints of my old friends in some of the people around the school. There were the bimbo’s and then the too-cool-for-you. I was used to those; it was the niceness that threw me off.

And every day I’d come home and cadence would wonder how my day had been–she was always there. I don;t think she ever stepped out of that house. I don’t know what she did in it. Definitely not cleaning. It was never clean. But she was always there, and she’d always listen–well, be willing to at least. I never really gave her the chance–as if were the closest of mother-daughter. And dinner, though it wasn’t always happy and perfect, it was always happening. Like clockwork. We’d be summoned to the table where cadence would offer a quick grace and then we’d dig in. Even if Annie and her got in fights–which actually happeend a few times–there was always dinner. And by the end of it, they were all smiles.

Annie was never intrusive. She was actually the least curious of anyone I’d met in Florida. She would compliment my clothes, but would never ask where I got them or–worse–if she could try them on. And she didn’t ask about my dad. Neither did Cadence. In fact, I don’t think I ever heard them mention it.

But the strangest of all? I was getting comfortable with it. I didn’t cringe when I got on the bus. Well, not as much. I actually learned to smile at people. But it was hard to smile when Jenny was near. She wouldn’t leave me alone. That was annoying. And a lot of the guys started talking to me. That was uncomfortable. Cuz they thought they were all that and could easily get me to drool all over them. But I wasn’t tempted–half of them were hard to look at.

Anyway, I started to find it normal to come home to Cadence’s warm smile. I found it normal to see the different sorts of clicks hanging out in different, dirty halls. I was getting used to the constant silly chatter that didn’t interest me at all. Homework wasn’t an issue–I knew everything. That left me with nothing to do but read, talk to Cadence or Annie or text girls who now considered me a friend. I didn’t care as much about my fashion magazines–though I always bought the newest ones. And I didn’t care when my NY friends sent me their newest purchase. And I started to find I was…moving on. I was starting to not miss my dad. Hardly two weeks had gone by since he died and I was already moving on! I craved starbucks more than I craved my dad. And, surprisingly or not, that made me feel awful. Well, its not like I was suddenly free or just forgetting him. It was just I’d gone my whole life without him constantly there–saturday was the one constant–and so, now that he wasn’t, I didn’t really know what to miss. And when I called Melanie, it wasn’t as easy as I thought to make jokes about where I was. When she brought up Cadence or where I was, I’d try and move around it. Because something in me didn’t want to talk bad about them. I craved my Manhattan–I even cried when we watched You’ve Got Mail on night. Cadence and Annie cried to, but for different reasons. But that didn’t mean I could hate on these people; even when Melanie told me she missed me so much. Her calls didn’t last over five minutes though–she always had to take another or get to a meeting or something. And through the days of structured comfort, I realized if I had been able to stay with melanie, I would have been alone. As usual. But I couldn’t figure out if I liked that idea.

Yet, even though I started to get comfortable, I still remained troubled by where I was. I wasn’t used to the snowless ground or the warm air. I couldn’t wrap my head around the smallness of everything and yet the hugeness of other things. The school was huge; sprawled across the land like a prison. In New York everything was tall; I’d never seen a school like that. And the endless streets of houses with parked mini-vans and screaming babies were huge. But the crowds and traffic were nothing; the shopping and food choices were worse. It was very…quiet. And, in that first week only two things really happened that are worth mentioning. Besides those, life was simple. Loud, yes. But in a simple, average sort of way. There were these mom-daughter fights that I’d never seen before. Mostly because most of my friends from manhattan didn’t know their mom let alone talk to them enough to get mad at them. And it all seemed movie-life perfect in suburbia. Well, not perfect. Normal. Kids played on the street and dads mowed lawns. People would walk just to walk and parents would go grocery shopping. I’d never seen that side of life before and it was…wierd.

The day after the first day of school, Cadence had to pick Annie up to take her directly to her piano lessons and I gladly took a ride with them–so much better than the bus. But it turns out, in suburbia, when you drop a kid off somewhere you don’t go home until that kid is in the car again. So we were running errands for, like, ten minutes before she headed back to get her. The piano lessons had been in this “downtown” so there was a bit of traffic. It stressed cadence out, but I thought it was steady enough to be better than bad. She asked me how I could stand New York traffic. I smiled politely. I don’t do small talk. But I told her you got used to it and that this wasn’t even bad. That led her down memory lane and she started telling me about her life in New York.

I’d never ever known anything about my mom, so this was interesting, though slightly awkward. Mostly because it included my dad. She told me how they’d met at the Columbia and fallen in love. They both been affluent yet she always wanted more than just money–she wanted love and family. When her parents died and she didn’t shed a tear, that strengthened her want. So she was happy to find out she was with child. This is where it got really awkward. Cuz, hello, she was saying how she loved me and then up and left like three months later. She didn’t seem to recognize my tenseness, she just went on as if she was enjoying it. And I listened. She said it was weird when she found out–not for her, but for my dad. he went all psycho saying he wasn’t ready to raise a kid and how his business was taking control of his life. When Cadence mentioned moving out of the city, things started getting stressed. That’s when she started to think maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea; having me. But she still did and that started to drive them apart. Especially with dad’s new position in the company. And after she had me, things were just totally down the drain. She looked at me and said that she wished she could blame it all on my dad, but she new she couldn’t. They both had given up trying. And when “Mr. Affair”, as she called him, came into the picture, life just flipped. She turned from the one thing she wanted and ran to the side she’d been hiding from just to not feel the pain and worry. That’s when she left. She couldn’t look at me when she told me. And I could feel hot tears running down my cheek, but I didn’t try and wipe them away. i just watched her. I watched and I wondered why she would just abandon me. Especially if Dad really didn’t want me. She said she couldn’t explain it; she said a day never went by where she didn’t feel guilty. She said her life had been ruined since she had–not that Annie was a problem, just that none of her dreams could work out. She told me she had this fear of commitment–she had failed a child, how could she keep a relationship? and that that had really ruined her second marriage to the lawyer. She said when she had found out about dad she just sat on her bed and cried. And then she called me and after that she just cried and cried. That’s when I asked her if she’d just taken me in to ease her guilt. She sort of started, rushing to say no. I don’t know if I believe her. I wanted to.

She went on and said that she had felt a sort of obligation, but that really it just came down to wanting to know the girl she had started out loving so much. She wanted to have another chance at caring for the one thing she had wanted in the first place. Then she told me I looked so much like my dad. That’s when I wiped my tears. I didn’t want to talk about him–that just made it real and scary. Just living as if nothing had happened except I moved was easier than really admitting he was super gone–not just out of town or something. Cadence seemed to get that, cuz she didn’t mention his death or anything. She just smiled at me and then turned back to the traffic, falling on her horn like a madwoman. I never knew a mood could change so quickly. It was still awkward, but she seemed to have move on and it was just me left with my thoughts. I never knew I could think so much. usually I was just doing something or planning something or ignoring everything. i never really let my thoughts run. But I did here. Maybe that’s just a side affect of the laid-backness of suburbia life. There’s no rush of the city hurrying you on. Its just you and there’s no point in ignoring it. I remember Cadence told me later that she never knew a teen could not text or be off the phone constantly; it seemed so abnormal for a teen now. She said it as a joke, but I guess it’s true. I didn’t really do anything like I used to. Well, I still loved my Chanel and Prada, but I was a lot more…calm. I don’t know if that’s the right word. I still had major attitude, but it was like I didn’t have anyone to unleash it on so I was quiet and just watching. I was learning to sort of breathe–which was actually a lot more bearable to do in Florida than it had ever been in New York City.

Then there was English. The teacher, who I decided was a witch who needed to learn how to apply make-up, assigned these impossibly boring, busy-work group projects on a friday. And I ended up with Todd and this guy named Jason. It was surprisingly bearable that first day. Mostly because Jason took over. In fact, the only thing Todd had time to say was, “Brooke–totally my next guess.” I just rolled my eyes and let Jason take charge. he was a nioce looking guy with hazelnut eyes and dark hair to match. He even had the superman chin and glasses that made him so preppy. he was smart too. Which was refreshing cuz I was starting to discover a lot of stupid people filled the school. But he smiled and introduced himself, said he had heard about me. I just rolled my eyes as Todd found it funny to mention my attitude. His exact words, I think, were, “Careful–she bites.” and Jason responded with a laugh, whispering un-quietly that “Todd has an ego that constantly needs feeding.” That’s when I found out the guys were twins! Twins! I know, right? Totally not identical, but they were twins. Weird. And we had to work together. Mostly the hours was spent with the two cracking jokes at each other. Which should have been weird, but it was actually pretty funny. i smiled, though the look I got from Todd when I did such was slightly annoying and I wanted to slap him. But I didn’t. I just went on and eventually we got each other’s numbers to actually do the project later. Jason just apologized about his brother’s unruliness with a wink. I just smiled and waved a quick goodbye, not sure how I felt about the whole thing at all.

That friday night was spent watching You’ve Got Mail with Annie and Cadence cuz Annie hadn’t finished her chores so she couldn’t have friends over. So suburbia. And I ended up going to bed at midnight. A first for me–New York nights had always been crazy. But I was tired and it had been a weird week. Everything was weird. So I went to bed. And, ya know, I was actually growing used to those itchy sheets.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 3 April 3, 2008

Those two days passed in a blur. An awful blur, but still a blur. There was homemade french fries on one night and canned spaghetti sauce on the other. I had to actually put some of my clothes in drawers since there wasn’t enough room in the closet. Annie offered to let me put some in her room, but I chose not to. I don’t know, the thought of my Marc Jacobs and Ralph Lauren hanging next to her garage-sale style made me cringe. So I folded them. Rolled them, actually. I couldn’t very well have creases–the gods of design would strike me down with lightning.

I found out that Annie wasn’t the spawn of the massuese. She was the love child of Cadence and a small-time lawyer who had recently divorced Cadence after four years of marriage–they’d been on and off all of Annie’s life. He took his son–from another marriage–and left Annie with Cadence. Annie had taken the kids room and left me with her old one. They had been nice enough to get me new sheets, but they still itched like crazy. And the sticky heat wouldn’t leave me alone.

A day didn’t go by when Annie wouldn’t bound in to talk about my clothes. She also told me her life story which was so boring I couldn’t really folow. Her most exciting adventure had been the Texas Alamo–yeah, way life changing. She said she went with her school choir last year. She tried to tell me how school would go–she was there when I registered. I have never been so disgusted in my life. I’d seen plenty of druggies and dirty alleys in my life, but nothing prepared me for that school. I can’t believe they call it a school! It was vile. Dark and just as hot as the outside air. The hallways were musky and even the janitors seemed to have given up trying to keep it clean. I had to get some counselor–she doubled as the swim coach and hardly knew two plus two. I didn’t like her. But I got my classes chosen. I was already way above Florida graduating conditions, so really it was just for the diploma that I went. And Annie made sure I had almost every class with her. Except for History and English. Those were seperated by grades and those were the classes I weren’t scared of. Not the case with the other ones. I had to take some sort of pottery class. Annie said it was “the funnest thing ever invented!” and then there was some sort of P.E. class. Back home I played tennis and went skiing in the alps; dad had gotten me excused from the actual class setting. But now there was no way around it. I was stuck. Stuck in the wierd world of public school.

That first day was…strange, to say the least. I woke up at five, took a horribly cold shower–Cadence was doing laundry–and then got ready. I wore one of my Betsey Johnson mini dress’ paired with my favorite leggings and her heels. I was all ready; I even ate some yogurt–I refrained from the pancakes which looked more like charred hockey pucks. Then Annie said “We’re gonna miss the bus!”

Whoa–hold up. A bus? A yellow, dirty, loud schoolbus? I might have never been on one before, but that was because of careful planning on my part. There had been no point in my life where that was a dream of mine. But Annie just grabbed a pancake and rushed out the door, telling me to hurry up. I was ready to cry. You don’t ask a girl in heels–not to mention, designer–to hurry. Cadence just smiled at me.

“Welcome to our world.” she said, as if that would brighten my day and make me smile. It didn’t. But she ushered me out the door and yelled at Annie to be safe. Annie just waved her hand, stopping only to tell me to run. But I didn’t. And it was good cuz it turned out we weren’t alte. I got there just in time–the bus was a street away. Annie was panting beside some boy. She energetically introduced us–his name was Tom.

“New York City, huh?” I nodded. He looked me over with a smile, pushing his so-not-hot glasses up his nose, “I used to live there–for about a year. In queens.”

I forced a smile across my face, but quickly took it off when Annie took the attention away from me. She was blabbering about how horrible school was and how vacation was too short. Yeah, as if she knew; mine had been three days and that was spent at my fathers funeral and finding out I was being sent to this…place. I didn’t say anything though. I just got on the bus and made sure I held my vomit in. It was just as nasty as I imagined. People were eating–everywhere. It was like I had walked onto a moving McDonald’s. And that bus moved; it threw me into a seat as it jolted forward. I’m sure an annoyed grunt fell from my mouth because I had fallen into an occupied seat. Some guy looked at me, a real smile pushed across his face.

“Well, hello there! You must be Annie’s…sister.”

“Half sister. And my mom told me not to talk to strangers.” I said with an innocent smirk. I had to quickly look away to keep from falling into his humored, bright-blue eyes. He just laughed.

“Yeah, well, you already did so might as well not stop. I’m Todd.”

I brushed off my legs, trying hard to stay balanced while touching as little seat as possible. “I must have missed where that info became valuable.”

“Wow–somebody’s got attitude. You might wanna put that away at school or you’ll get yourself in trouble with some…people.”

I just rolled my eyes, looking up at Annie who was too busy talking with a bunch of people to see my discomfort. “I’m from NY–pretty sure I know how to stay out of trouble.”

“Hmm. Except, now, you don’t have your body guard.”

I stared at him, totally annoyed. “Cute. Your soccer mom teach you that one?”

He stared at me, looking almost bored, “Nah–picked it up from the five seconds I’ve known you.”

“‘Kay, clarification: We don’t know each other. You don’t even know my name.”

“I bet I can guess it. Upper New Yorker’s are all the same.”

“Well, let me stop you right there. I’m not from upper New York–there’s a difference between Upper New York and Upper NYC or Manhattan that you people just get so confused about! And, uh, pretty sure you don’t even know me–you guessing my name doesn’t even prove it.”

“It’s Avery–or Blaire.”

I just shook my head, tired already of the day. Stupid, stupid people.

“Sorry, you’re right I don’t know you.” I looked at him, wondering where he was going with this. “But I think it’s fair to say you fit perfectly into the spoiled manhattan brat stereoptype–so perfectly, in fact, you are probably where the movies, the plays, the writers get all their idea’s. You’ve got the clothes, the attitude, the money–”

I laughed without humor, “Right, well, that’s way cute, Todd. But this is my I-don’t-care-face. Get used to it, cuz I’m sure it will be here every time I see you.”

Then I stood up, completely (and surprisingly) relieved to see the school before me. Annie came over to me, smiling as Todd stood next to me. I just asked her what was next on this wonderful adventure. Todd said a quick, sarcastic goodbye and I just wiggled my fingers, wishing I could light his smirk on fire or something.

Annie just started gushing in whispered tones as we got off the bus. “I can’t believe you even got to sit by him! That’s todd. He is, like, the hottest guy at our school.”

I glanced back, wishing I could say something about that being pathetic–he wasn’t that hot. But he was. In a jockey-slash-punk sort of way. Totally not prep like all the guys I had known. So I just rolled my eyes, telling her his attitude totally butchered that point. She laughed and pulled me inside, saying I so did not understand guys.

We were going to Math and she seemed oddly excited. I just smiled, trying to ignore the catcalls directed from the dark halls and groups of guys who thought they were so cool. I got some glares from girls too, but I didn’t care as much about that. I was used to those.

We were the first in the classroom and Annie seemed happy about that. She flew to the back and threw her bag on another desk to save it for a friend. I quickly sat next to her, praying to be able to get used to the seats. She just blabbered happily about how easy this class was and how much fun it wold be. She only stopped when a beached-blonde walked into the room with a squeal. The girl ran and fell into the seat next to me; annie just whispered an “I’m sorry” and watched half-humored.

“OMG! Totally Betsey!” Love the shoes–totally TMTH!” I could hardly follow. My friends had never really been into the text lingo–at least not speaking it. This girl wouldn’t stop. She actually touched my dress. Wierd. “I totally love Betsey”–as if they were best friends–”She is, like, the greatest fashion designer of our time. Like way beyond….whoever. I would so have one of her dresses, but my mom thinks its too expensive–totally pathetic, I know. But ya–it’s like gorgeous. You’re gorgeous! Goodness, everything is just so gorgeous!” Then she laughed; a sort of horse-on-helium laugh. It was scary. I just smiled uncomfortably. And that made her laugh again.

“Whoa–so sorry–you totally don’t know who I am, huh? Well I know you. See Cadence and my mom are, like, best friends and she told me all about you. That’s totally horrible; about your dad, you know. My names Jenny. But I so need to come over some time and see your wardrobe. maybe I can even borrow something! Well; when we’re friends.” She smiled, and I just turned away, wondering what on earth her mother was feeding her.

Annie quickly pulled me into a conversation with her friend who had appeared during the blonde’s rampage. Her name was Emily and she had a natural shade of brown. It was refreshing. She smiled gently and whispered a feel-sorry apology about Jenny. I just smiled and shrunk into my seat. It was going to be a long day. And it was. I got through the classes okay–Annie mostly made sure of that. I would shrink into the back and just wish the hours to speed by. But I was never alone–there was always some girl coming up with a smile. It seemed everyone in the school knew about me–not my name usually, but just the reasons for my sudden appearance and my likes and dislikes. I even had one girl come up and ask me if I knew Louis Vuitton. That was awkward–he’s been dead for, what, 100 years? Yeah, when I told her, that face was priceless. Jessy had another class with me and thought that made us “Total BFF’s”. But I’d so rather have her again than who ended up in my English class. It was Todd. I rolled my eyes when he waved at me. I could feel all the girls spin around to look at me, but I didn’t care. I just hoped he’d leave me alone. He did. He was a front hugger and I liked the back, so we steered clear during that class.

Lunch was interesting. Loud, highly uncomfortable, but interesting. Annie sat with, like, a million super-loud girls who all laughed and talked about anything and everything. Prom, boys, the holidays, me–which led to New York–jobs and school. It was hard to follow and I actually smiled a few times. Though it took me some time to actually sit on the floor with them. That’s right, they sat on the floor. And they wanted me to join them. I don’t think anyone realized just what I was wearing. It was only when Jessy waved wildly from across the hall that I sunk to there level. Anything was better then her laugh.

I can tell you I have never been through such a long day. School in NY had been boring sometimes, but there was always something relatively interesting to keep one entertained. Plus there wasn’t the stench of underbathed boys and warm seats to worry about. Not to mention the cheeto’s and oreo’s that were thrown around like sparkling water. So as soon as that bell rang I was out the door and on the bus. Annie sat next to me an I very purposefully ignored Todd. Annie found that funny. I didn’t. And I didn’t listen when Cadence asked how it had been–who did she think she was? I went and took my dress off, trying desperately hard not to cry. I really wanted too, though the day hadn’t been that bad. Maybe that was the problem. It had seemed to normal and comfortable. No. It had not been comfortable…but it hadn’t been horror-flick material. I had survived–spot free, mind you; my dress was fine. But I realized I wasn’t totally pissed about everything. I was already accepting it–all of it. Cadence and I hadn’t even gotten in a fight. And Annie was nicer than anyone at my old school. None of whom had texted me since I left. Maybe that’s what hurt. Or maybe I just thought this was a vacation that would end; that, soon, I’d go home to dad and my suite where I could sleep in my closet if I wanted. That I’d be back to french delicacies and satin curtains. Or I’d get to wake up hundreds of feet high and have real breakfast in bed and then going shopping down wherever. But it wasn’t going to happen. And I knew that. And it made me want to cry. Six months. Six months in suburbia with hyperactive strangers, friendly neighbors and public high school. I didn’t even know what I’d do. It was that day that I realized just how long six months would be. The day had already felt like a year and I was in no mood to wake up and do it again. I was done. So I curled up with my 100-thread-count pillow and tears actually fell. Bitter, hot, steaming tears. They hurt. I could feel my phone buzzing on my night stand, but I let it ring. I heard Melanie’s voice start her message and that hurt.

“Hey girl,” her tired voice laughed, “It’s Mel, just checking on you. You haven’t called and I’m sure you’re dying. Hope you’re getting your Starbuck’s! Uh, call me back sometime.”

I laughed bitterly. Nope; no starbucks for the last three days. There wasn’t a single one nearby. My coffee choices were cadence’s creation, the local fast-food wannabe or sneaking into the teachers lounge. None of which sounded worthy of replacing starbucks. And that made me cry more! Plus my feet hurt; I’d never known a school could have so much stairs. And suddenly I was mad at my dad; mad that I was stuck here with a “relative” and not back home with Melanie. I wondered what those stiffs would do if I just up and left; went back home to melanie. I bet I could get away with it. but I wasn’t gonna try; I was too tired. So I just cried.

Good Morning, Sunshine – prt. 2 April 1, 2008

“Listen–as soon as you turn eighteen I’ll be there; not a second late. I promise.”

“You’re always late, Mel.”

She smiled sadly, looking at me as we drove to the airport. I just stared off into the heart of manhattan, ready to die right there. I didn’t want to leave. Six months. In Florida.

“Yeah, well, not this time. Besides, it’s not always my fault.”

As if to illustrate her point, she started yelling at the driver about the fact I was going to miss my plane if he didn’t hurry things up. That sounded like an okay thing to me but I didn’t say anything; just held my starbucks Mocha Frappuccino Blended Coffee and wished I was heading anywhere else. But I wasn’t. Cadence had called every day the last week to make sure I was all set and everything was going as planned; as if I had a choice. She bought the tickets for me; said they were waiting at the airport under my name. I told her I could totally take care of myself; i could even get my jet to come down. She thought that was funny at first. When she realized i was dead serious, she just said no–she wanted to get me here. So there I was, traveling through New York City traffic towards an airport where I actually had to wait in line. All so i could go live with my “mom” down in “Sunshine” Florida. I’m sure the sun was no different there than here, but Cadence made a huge deal about it. I couldn’t really argue; florida was like the only place I’d never been. I had never been to Disney world. Well, I went to Euro Disney last year for my french tour; it wasn’t all that exciting. I much preferred the Paris Fashion Week; I bought a Dior gown and coat. I was wearing the coat that day–I remember. It was a gorgeous trench. But I never had worn the gown. And I highly doubt I’d find a place to wear it in Florida; but I packed it anything. I didn’t leave anything behind. Every perfume bottle, shoe, blouse, pair of jeans, slacks, stockings and piece of jemwelry was coming with me. i made sure of it.

The apartment had been cleared out like no one had ever lived there before. Melanie had found some sort of storage space for it–the safest, most guarded one available. She wouldn’t let me take the paintings and sculptures dad had goteen me through the years; said they’d be here when I came back. but not in my home. It surprised me how fast the memories were packed. They didn’t even haunt the empty halls. I guess it was because most of my memories with dad were made elsewhere. We never really were home. But home was still home–and now I was leaving it all behind. Every high rise, every street corner. they were all staying and I was going.

I remember the day before I had burst into tears as I zipped my final case shut. There was at least five of them. Melanie had them shipped down that night so I wouldn’t have to worry about them all at the airport. I just hoped they’d be there in time. Cadence had this odd idea that I wanted to be going down there; as if I had planned this trip all on my own. every phone call was filled with high-pitched reassurance that it would be the greatest thing–we’d have so much fun. She said even at school I’d have fun. Seemed I did have to finish school and my Ivy-League-inspired private school didn’t have a second in Florida. Shocker. So I’d go to school with Cadence’s other daughter. Yeah. She had another; I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking if it was the masseuses’. She was sixteen and her name was Annie. I didn’t know anyone named Annie. It sounded so…broadway.

When I got to the airport, Melanie had to get to another meeting. So, after a quick kiss on the cheek and a hurried hug, she shoved my Burberry bag in my hands and whispered “good luck” and “text me if you absolutely die”. And then I was alone. And I had to go with the sea of people to the customer service desk. That was a new experience. When I finally got up there, I asked for my tickets only to discover they were coach. I didn’t do coach. I told the lady that and she just looked at me, then moved on to the next customer. I asked for an upgrade but she said there were no available seats. I told her that was bull and she told me she’d call security. So I left.

I got on that plane and shoved myself between some wannabe gangster and dying grandma The kid just kept eyeing me and my tightly-clad legs. I finally asked if he had a problem. He said no, he liked the spicy girls. I just rolled my eyes, put on my designer shades–I think they were my Gucci–and pretended he wasn’t there. It was a long flight. I wish it was longer. Too soon I was off and heading towards my florida exile. I had to switch at the Miami terminal to head to some middle-of-no-where town where the closest airport was thirty miles from my new “home”. That was a distance that made the difference between a prison and a claustrophobic psycho’s ward. It seemed I was heading for the latter. There were only five other people on the plane with me. The flight attendants were in tight blue polyester and looked like they doubled as a Hooters bar waitress. And they played some unheard of hip-hop music (it should remain that way). But it wasn’t till we landed and I squeezed out of that coach-only airplane that I realized exactly how awful it was going to be. The air was warm. And it was wet; I could feel it press against my body. But I could stand that; that was bearable. It was seeing my new “family” that made me want to run. They held a sign, as if they’d mistake me with the rotting men getting off with me. It was an older woman who looked like she’d been frightened of growing old her whole life but had finally given in. Her face echoed of old plastic surgery. The girl next to her was cute enough. Sort of a Wendy’s “it” girl, if there is such a thing. She had red hair and freckles. To give her some credit though, it wasn’t pulled into pigtails. It was held back with a forest green that matched her pants. Well, gauchos–nice, spandexy gaucho’s. As soon as they saw me, they dropped the sign and just stared. I finally walked down to them and pulled off my sunglasses. It suddenly seemed rather hot.

Finally the older woman looked at me, “Brooke?”

I looked around, pulling my burberry back up my arm, and pretended to double check. “Looks like it.”

They thought that was funny. Then she pulled me in my arms and hugged me–really hugged me. I never really got hugs; dad even knew I wasn’t a hug person. She was whispering a whole bunch of stuff in my ear till I finally pushed her away. Then the other girl was in front of me.

“I’m Annie and you are absolutely gorgeous! I never guessed you’d be so pretty–not that I had reason not to. but….Oh, I love your jacket.”

I looked at her, trying to decide if I should stare at the hair or the bright green eyes or the pants. I decided to just put my glasses back on. “Thanks.” I said, “It’s a coat.”

cadence then asked if I had anything else; I said my baggage had been sent down. She laughed and said that’s good to know cuz she wasn’t sure if all that had been mine or if the whole plane had accidentally rerouted their luggage carrier. I didn’t find it that funny.

But I finally got in the car–which cadence actually drove–and Annie felt like she had to sit in the back with me.

“Cool bag. I have one like it. I got it at target for, like twenty bucks. is that real? Mom said NY has all these great street deals for copy’s.”

I could feel my face melt into a despising glare, but I didn’t care. Accusing me of street-corner copies was about as low as you can get. i quickly pointed out the label. She said she’d never heard of it–was it some store? i didn’t bother explaining further, just held it closer.

Other than that it was a silent ride, Annie seemed to catch on real quick that I didn’t rally care for her chatter. And Cadence was too busy watching the endless, deserted road to make conversation. I was fine with that. And I just kept praying that I’d be living in some sort of oasis in this strange, strange part of the world. When we turned down an average suburbia road, I knew I was far from having that prayer answered. there was grass all around. All the houses looked the same and each had their own mailbox. Toys were strewn across the lawn and cheesy christmas decorations still plagued the lawns. We pulled up to own of the more average ones–at least it didn’t have any toys–and I watched as the garage door went up.

I was scared to get out; I kept thinking maybe I was lost. But as Annie opened the door and told me to slide on out–the other door was broken–I knew it was too real. And Cadence pushing the door open and watching nervously as I walked in made it all more real. Annie kind of stumbled in after me, pushing her shoes under a bench and quickly telling me I didn’t have to. Good. Because there was no way I was taking off my wedges to put my feet on that floor.

“Uh,” cadence said, watching as I looked around, “We’re kind of…humble. Not so worried about a clean house as we are about family, right?” She tried to laugh and I slowly pulled my glasses off and pushed them in my bag. The living room was connected to the kitchen and there was no dining room. The TV sat on the floor and was still on. The couch looked like it had seen better days and the windows had plastic blinds on them. A loud air conditioner blew behind me and Annie waited by the stairs, hardly registering my discomfort.

“Your room is by mine; you’re lucky dad and Travis moved out last year, otherwise we’d have to get rid of some of your clothes.”

“What?” I asked a bit loudly.

She just laughed and said it was a joke. Some joke. Then she said she’d show me. So I followed her and I could hear Cadence sigh deeply behind me as I creaked up those stairs. When she opened my new room’s door, I almost ran out screaming. I swear it was smaller than my bathroom had been. It’s walls were a horrid fuschia and the awful paisley bedspread matching with an addition of orange and white would even make martha Stewart gag. The only thin that kept me going in were my five suitcases stacked against a wall. Those clothes needed out. Though I was loathe to place them where I was. A small window took precedence on the farthest wall and a pathetic closet filled the other one. It was about two feet deep. I could hear children laughing outside which was foreign to my ears. I was used to honking, sirens and whistles.

Annie just smiled at me, standing awkwardly in the door. I looked at her.

“Well,” she said, slightly picking up on my angry stare, “I’ll leave you to get settled. Mom said I shouldn’t bother you too much–we do after all have school together in two days. We’re still on Winter break!”

The suffocating heat made it impossible for my brain to register that statement. I just collapsed onto the stiff bed with a whine as soon as my door shut. I dropped my bag to the floor, suddenly not caring about the probable dust mites. I just let my hair fall out of its tight ponytail and stared at the ceiling.

“Well, we’re not in kansas. Though we’re probably close.” I whispered to no one. This was going to be a long six months. Very long.