The pain can
seem
too much to
bear.
I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.
Life has played
a
cold, cruel
hand.
I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.
The darkness tugs,
pulling
me from the
light.
I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.
But isn’t
surrender
indeed a
journey?
I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.
Light can
come
In sweet
surrender.
I cannot
breathe,
so I
Surrender.
With such a
freefall
Comes the
truth.
We cannot
breathe;
We must
Surrender.
Ice drips
in
the light of
the new
day–
even the coldest
is
touched–
and one can see
the trace
of
teardrops
as they
slide
down the
forgotten
face
of a
simple building;
one
might say
it is
just a bit
of nature
acting
out
and,
they are,
in a way,
right,
for
don’t we
all
have
the trace
of
teardrops
slipping slowly,
rusting the
corrupted
walls
within?
Life was tense for the next week. And Jason seemed to get that. Of course, it wasn’t hard to catch on. Every time I saw Todd, heard his name, or even thought of Todd, I’d hug tighter to Jason. Randomly, in the middle of classes, I’d kiss him. Just willing myself to get Todd out of my head. English was the worst. Jason just thought I was completely in to him, which I was. But even I knew that wasn’t why I would hold tight.
On Saturday night he got it out of me. We were sitting outside on my porch swing and I wasn’t really talking. Jason just held my hand and, sighing deeply, asked me what was wrong. At first I tried to veer the conversation in another direction, but I couldn’t resist those eyes and—slowly—I told him everything. About that one time Todd had given me a ride, about the stares, about the screaming fight, and even about the kiss. I was scared to tell it, afraid Jason would stand up and go shoot his brother. But he just laughed; a slow, sad sort of laugh. I sat back, staring at him and asking what on earth his deal was.
He just shook his head, “That’s just…my brother.”
“Just your brother? Oh, so what, he can just go around kissing your girlfriend and you won’t care?” I pushed myself out of his arms, totally pissed, and scooted across the bench.
His eyes got wide. “No, that’s not what I mean! It’s just…. Todd, he….” He sighed, pulling me back over and forcing hand in his. “Todd has a habit of…wanting to be me. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. Everything I have, he wants. He just…never really was his own self. Like, my classes—he has almost the same exact schedule, but he hates half the stuff. He asks my mom for the same stuff I ask for. He’s like some sort of…leech living off of somebody else’s life.”
“So you mean to say he really doesn’t like me?” It wasn’t a sad question, or even mad. I was just asking, really curious.
He looked at me for a second, a sort of laugh in his eyes, “Who wouldn’t like you?”
I hit him, trying to keep the situation serious.
“I don’t know,” he sighed, “I can’t really say I’m surprised. He did it before. With my last girlfriend.” His voice went all quiet and I didn’t dare breathe. “He just…can’t think for himself. And, yeah, it gets annoying, but it’s him. And I didn’t think he liked you. It was just at lunch that first day that he pointed you out, said you were a nut case—but a gorgeous one. I had laughed, but I was curious. Especially when I saw you. And I told him—I told him he could go for you. And, when he didn’t, I even asked him if I could. And he said yeah—that you weren’t some cow to be bought and paid for. That all is fair in love and that he didn’t even want to try for you. That you were high maintenance and a pain. But I didn’t see that, or at least I didn’t mind it, so I went for it.”
I just watched him, different emotions coming with every word. A cow? High maintenance? Go for it? Nut case? Didn’t mind it? But I didn’t bring any of it up. I just looked down, petting his knuckles and breathing slowly. But he wasn’t done.
He laughed softly, leaning his chin on my head. “So, I just have one question for you….”
I looked up; his sparkling eyes surprisingly close and completely mischievous.
“Who’s the better kisser?”
And finally, I laughed. And he kissed me. And the night finally felt warm again.
We sat there for a while more, listening to nothing more than our own breathing. His hands still clasped mine, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt safe and comfortable. I could have slept, right there, but he had a curfew. So I walked him to his car and we stood there for a while more, sharing a kiss and then he told me something. He said I didn’t have to be awkward around Todd, that eventually Todd would get over himself. I snorted, saying that seemed a lofty hope. But Jason was serious. He told me that Todd really was a nice guy, just slightly immature. But then again, no one could blame him for falling for a girl like me–least of all Jason. He also said that I should talk to Todd, that he trusted me. I didn’t know what he expected me to say, so I just nodded, saying I’d keep it in mind. He chuckled and then, with one last hug, kissed me goodnight and left.
So I went to bed and finally felt normal again, as if the world was righted or the worries were gone. Todd still haunted the corner of my mind, but now it was a little less threatening. Especially since I could still feel Jason. And it felt…good.
Simplicity. A rather funny word. Ironic, really, that a word meaning to be simple can hit the mouth in ways that evoke entirely different feelings; feelings of giggles, winks, twitterpation–even heartbreak. But nothing simple.
Simplicity. When you say it, words like Serendipity or Serenity come to mind. You are at peace, but not in a simple-minded way. Rather, you’re struck with muses fighting, vying for your attention. Simplicity is meant to describe being easy or understandable, yet when you look at the word, hear it or even write it, you can’t help but sigh as it flows through, taking one back to Jane Austen’s time of chivalry and romance. Hardly simple.
